kwinkleman

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 As I sit at my desk this morning my eyes will barely stay open.  I have that jittery confused feeling and if I could lay my head down I would be out in a matter of seconds.  I woke up tired, I have had 2 cups of coffee so far which is a lot for someone who NEVER drinks coffee.  I do not know what is going on.  My hands and eyelids are so dry, last night I had about 3 bites of dinner and threw up 4 times.  Today is going to be a miserable rough day.  And I just got thrown into doing an examination under oath for one of our clients.  So I have 25 mins to get myself together.  I am having 2 crackers with a slice of cheese to see if that might give me a little motivation to get the day started.  I took my vitamins today, my B12 pill, and I have been drinking water all morning.  This no energy issue is getting a little frustrating.  My job doesn't care if I am tired, so I have to try and find someway to still get the work done while feeling horrible.

 So I am in a slump.  My scale is not moving again.  How can I be in another stall when I just came out of one like 2 weeks ago?  My so called BF got a test message last night from his ex and that threw me into a fit of jealousy and unhappiness.  Why is it that I have lost 43 pounds in the last 6 weeks and I still give myself absolutely zero credit?  To be honest this girl isn't all that cute, she is average I should not be comparing myself to her and driving myself crazy over this foolishness.  I know the answer: if he wants to be with her fine, then he obviously wasn't the one for me.  I can tell myself that over and over again but it doesn't make going through all this any easier.  I feel stupid for even letting myself get upset over this craziness.  I mean why should I want a man that does these random things?  I want a man that loves me, is good to me, and would do anything for me.  Because that is how I treat him.  He has gone through a rough time the past 2 years, his family totally was unhelpful but I just knew that if I stood by his side maybe I could show him that there are good people out there and you don't have to go through the struggle alone.  Ok, we get through the drama and this is how I get repaid??  By hearing those words "hey how much does it cost to change my number?"  I replied, well I just changed it Friday when I got you the new phone so who has your number now?  And he replied, my ex.  I totally lost it.  Cried, stormed out of the house, left drove around town, came back, yelled, and then went to bed.  He tried to make it better by telling me that he doesn't want to be with her, but it went in one ear and out the other.  I have decided that I am not going to talk about it anymore.  I am not even going to bring it up.  I have been living with him and his mom for 2+ years helping them out.  Now I have to look into helping ME out.  I am still healing for surgery, still going through things with my food and protein intake.  I work full time (he doesn't have a job) I have a 7 year old, and I am a full time student.  I don't have time to be stressed out because a man wants to do foolish things.  I pray that God give me the strength to just let it go.  And move on.  I pray that God clear my mind and allow me to think about other things, allow me to see my self in a more positive light and allow me to never stay with another man who wants to bring me down and make me unhappy.

P.S. I also pray that the scale moves in the morning.  LOL

 So...the stall is gone for now and I lost another pound, so that puts me at the 40 pound mark!!!!! 
I remember going to my PCP and stepping on the scale and it saying 301 and I almost cried.  I know 40 pounds is only the beginning and I have a LONG way to go but I am super excited about my success so far.  My motivation is my 7 year old son Alex.  He is so active and loves to run and jump and go places and play.  I want to be able to do all those things with him.  I really want to be able to take him to Disney World and actually be able to fit in the rides with him.  I want to be able to take him to a water park and not be so totally embarrassed to get on the water rides with him.  I want to run and play with him as he gets older.  For the past 7 years I haven't wanted to do any of those things and that is not fair to him.
I also am motivated by a healthier lifestyle for my entire family.  Alex will ask me "is that high in sugar" or "does this have carbs" LOL it is so funny because he really doesn't know what a carb is but he knows that I don't want to eat them right now.  We are having a lot more dinners at home and cooking has become something that we do together.  I want to become a NO SUGAR household but that is hard right now because we live with my boyfriends mom.  But in the next few months we will be moving and hopefully will be able to set rules that the household can live by.

I know that my weight loss is going to slow, stall (again), and I will have good moments and bad.  But today I am happy that I had the surgery and I am happy with my progress.  And I agree to take things one day at a time.  HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!

 I know that we shouldn't really weigh everyday, but it has become something that I do every  morning like clock work.  I want to get it in before gravity sets in and adds those few extra pounds LOL 
So I get up and tap the scale, it does its little wake up thing flashes zero for me to step on and then it shuts off.  I do it again, and the same thing.  So now I am panicking.  What is wrong with this silly thing?  I flip it over take the battery out, try it again and the same thing.  Now I am ticked off LOL.  I get ready for work and while getting dressed I mention to my son that the darn scale is broken.  He jumps on it and it works fine.  So I run to the bathroom and it works for me too, but by now I am fully dressed with shoes and everything.  So of course it read 2 pounds higher than yesterday.  So I have to just chock today up as a weighing loss.  Gravity has done wrapped her little hands around me and its a total loss.

Yes I do believe that I am addicted to weighing.  LOL  So sad!  

 So.....my scale has been sitting at 264 for like the last week and a half.  I weigh first thing in the  morning.  I even resorted to weighing naked to hope that my clothes might be the extra few pounds.  Nope, it still sat at 264.  A few mornings it said 265 and that was when I really flipped out.  265???  What???  There is no way I am gaining weight....is there?  So this morning I weighed and the darn thing said 263.  I was soooooo super happy.
I wanted to be in the 250's for new years.  Guess that was a little crazy on my part because I am only 5 weeks out so I would have to lose more than a pound a day (which is what my surgeon says in normal).  So I know that I haven't been doing the best with my protein and vitamins and I probably have been eating things that I shouldn't.  Like the occasional sip of soda, and a few potato chips here and there.  I have been able to do fish, chicken, and now I am even able to eat a few raw veggies, which I guess I shouldn't be eating either.  But I am craving veggies....is that normal??  But it didn't hurt and my pouch seemed to like it so I have had a few veggies the last few days.
Today while out for my lunchtime walk with my co-worker we came across this little place called Boca Fiesta.  We went in and it was the cutest little Mexican restaurant.  We ordered a taco salad to share with pulled pork (something I hadn't tried before).  It was very simple and very fresh, a tortilla shell, which I passed on.  Filled with fresh lettuce, which I didn't eat, and then the pulled pork and cheese (shredded).  No tomato, no sour cream, no ranch, but it was served with a delicious light refreshing vinaigrette.  It was the best taco salad (meat) that I have ever had.  LOL and my pouch loved it!

 Today is my one month surgiversary.  I have lost 37 pounds and I think I am in a stall LOL   But at least I made it this far.  I know that if we can cause stalls ourselves then I caused this one 110%.  I have not been drinking my protein shakes since surgery, they tasted bad before and even worse now.  And I haven't been taking my vitamins like I should.  I never got the chewable calcium so that is totally my fault as well.  But I am going to change all of that.  I just set reminders in my cell phone to take my vitamins, and this weekend since I am off Friday (and its payday) I am going to go get unflavored protein and try to find chewable calcium and get back on track.  TH and I am planning on going to the gym starting next week as well, if we don't go to the gym he has at least promised to walk with me everyday and try to do some type of strengthen exercises.  So I have a plan to get back on track and to continue losing.  It would probably help if I could stay away from the scale...but it is addicting!

Well I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!!!  Stay blessed and be safe!  

 HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever felt like it was almost impossible to get ahead?  Well that is how I have been feeling lately.  So surgery went fine, then I had a reaction to the pain meds...got that worked out.  Weight started coming off woohoo.  Pain finally started to go away (incision pain).  I finally got back to work.  And now they think I have an intestinal infection.  WHAT??  WHY??  Well according to the nurse who has so conveniently left for vacation till the 3rd of next year intestinal infections are not common (just my luck) but occur from the antibiotics that they give you after surgery.  I have had diarrhea for a month, I am not getting in my protein because the shakes that I have taste horrible after surgery.  I know I am not getting in my water/Gatorade which is not good when you have diarrhea.  I have to take these tiny baby sips so literally I am still working on the same glass that I started at 8am this morning....it is not 11am!  Eating is another story.  It seems that everything I put in my mouth I either don't chew enough or I am taking too big of bites so when it gets to my pouch it hurts.  I have to take the tiniest little baby bites and if I don't I am in extreme pain where I have to get up and walk to try and get it to pass.  Is it going to be this way forever?  I am a month out in 2 days, on week 7 I am suppose to start soft foods....how I am going to be able to eat soft foods if things like chili, cheese, and scrambled eggs get stuck now?  I have faith that it will get better, I read the posts from individuals that are 2+ years out and they are eating pretty normal things.  Are they baby biting it all?  I also never feel full or hungry.  After playing with my small portion of food for a half an hour I usually just give up and move on to doing something else.  We are suppose to wait 30 mins between eating and drinking...I would literally dry up if I did that.  I have to sip on something all day and even then I am not getting in the 64 oz of water/liquid that I need.
I am not just sitting around complaining though...I do have a plan.  I am going to get unflavored protein and put it in everything.  LOL  I am also going to keep sipping until I can't sip anymore.  I have started walking so that is a step in the right direction as far as exercise.  With foods, I guess I will stick to the more soupy/pureed foods.  Crackers (Ritz) and cream cheese goes down great so that is a plus...as I love cream cheese.  Gotta keep it simple I guess.

Well....that is what is going on in my crazy life.  I hope that every one had a Very Merry Christmas...and have a safe and Happy New Year!!

Well I saw one of my surgical associates today, the surgeon was called to the OR so I didn't get to see him...which honestly that was fine with me.  For the first time since this entire process started I felt like the doctor was actually listening.  Maybe it was when I started crying that he realized that I was not playing around.  He was very compassionate and acted like he genuinely cared about how I was feeling.  So when I gathered myself back to normal and wiped my tears he explained that I was doing ok.  He said that he looked at the CT and x-rays and really didn't think that I had a bowel obstruction and if I did I would be showing symptoms like vomiting, constipation, and would be a lot worse off then I am now.  He said that in his opinion the rash was from the strong cleanser that they used right before surgery, I still think it was the pain medication, but oh well it is going/gone away now so its ok.  He agreed that the pain patch was really not in my best interest and was not addressing the pain I was having correctly, so we are trying something else.  He asked me "what can I do to help you"!  A doctor has never asked me that before.  I felt comfortable talking to him, I feel very uncomfortable with my surgeon, not that he is not a great doctor I just think that our personalities don't match.  When I am in pain and don't feel well I don't want someone acting like arrogant.  And that is how he came off when I was in the hospital.  When I said I was having intense stabbing pain....he told me "um yea you did just have major surgery"...really???  But I am also on a morophine pump that I am pressing every 15 mins (yes I counted the minutes until it turned green again meaning I could get another shot).  He didn't seem to care.  So I struggled in the hospital and for the first week when I came home.

Anyway I also met with the NUT, she made me cry too.  Today has been an emotional day.  When I told her I wasn't getting in my protein I thought she was going to kick me but she didn't.  She was very helpful told me that if I can't stomach the protein shakes that I have to eat pureed foods with more protein.  Refried beans covered in cheese, scrambled egg with cheese, cottage cheese, pimiento cheese, tuna, chicken, salmon, things high in protein.  She said that I have to retrain my gut to eat at least 4 times a day....I have only been eating a few bites twice a day.  When I told her how tired I was she said that was my bodies way of saying that something was wrong.  No protein, not eating, not getting in my water, she said eventually my body would start using my muscle for energy which would make things like hair loss worse, and I would feel worse instead of better.  Her insight really helped me as well.  When I told her I was only drinking maybe 20oz of water a day she almost fainted.  I told her that I was just sipping my water because I was afraid I was going to overfill my pouch which would cause more pain then I am already in.  She told me at this stage I should be able to drink a full 4oz at one time.  She told me that the swelling should be down and I should be able to do more, drink more, snack more, eat a little more.  Not to the point of being miserable in pain but that I really have to do what I can to get the protein and water in.  She was not judgmental, she was not rude in her presence and you can tell that she is very devoted and passionate about nutrition and taking care of her body.  And she enjoys helping others know the best way to take care of their bodies as well.

All in all I have to say that I feel better today than I have any other day so far.  And I owe it to the fantastic doctor and NUT that I met with today.  They put things into reality, they let me know that I am not alone, I am not a failure, and that I am on the right track.  This is NOT the easy way out, this is tough, it hurts, its miserable sometimes.  And more times that I can could I have asked myself "why did you do this???"  But I am a positive person and I believe that it will get better.  (it better get better)   

 Today is my two week mark.  It is funny because when I look back the last two weeks have been HORRIBLE..yet it doesn't seem like two week have went by already...even though they have been the longest two weeks of my life.  So I started pureed foods today which includes things like chicken and tuna salad, cheese, crackers (Ritz), eggs, lunch meat, pureed veggies, pureed lean meats, things of that nature.  I tried tuna salad yesterday....it didn't work at all after about 1 minute of swallowing I felt as if my chest was going to explode, I walked it off and decided that tuna is off the menu!  I made homemade chicken salad in my new Ninja food processor....LOL it turned out to be chicken salad soup, it is more the consistency of applesauce than any type of chicken salad that I have ever had before but it tastes good LOL.  I have also found a love for pimento cheese spread.  A scoop of pimento cheese with 3 Ritz crackers is a great meal, so is refried beans with a little sour cream and guacamole....even a little queso cheese  LOL I miss my Mexican food.

I came back to work 1/2 days last Wednesday, today was suppose to be me first full work day....but I am heading to the house now.  I am tired, exhausted is a better word and just feeling kinda yucky.  
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

Well today marks day #5 on the liquid diet and I am pleased to say that I have not been hungry once.  I have been having a protein shake for breakfast, soup/broth for a morning snack, soup for lunch, and then a shake and soup for dinner.  I do notice a HUGE decrease in energy.  Sitting at my desk right now I am literally exhausted.  I am taking a multivitamin and calcium with vitamin D as recommended but I am still so tired.

I took my son to the grocery store this morning and he got 2 fresh hot donuts.  In the car as I was drinking my yummy Muscle Milk I looked over as caught a whiff of the sweet smell of the donuts and my eyes immediately filled up with tears.  I almost cried over his donuts.  He looked at me and said "don't cry mom because if you cry you will make me cry".  That is the first time that I have wanted something that I couldn't have.  I wanted that donut LOL but instead I took another drink of my muscle milk and resisted the temptation.  

Next week is both Thanksgiving and my birthday so I am a little worried.  They do have no sugar added birthday cake ice cream...maybe I can make me a shake for my bday and I have the sugar free Davinci syrup in Pumpkin Pie flavor that I have been saving for Thanksgiving.  I am hoping if I can stay out of the house and busy I won't be too miserable on either day.  Surgery is next Monday so I am super excited to get this over with so I can move on to the next phase in my life.