lauraanne715
Funny Thing About This ....
Jul 02, 2009
Somewhere in the past ten -fifteen years as I grew larger and larger I lost a part of myself....I lost the girl who had confidence and self-esteem and took pride in who she was inside and out. As the years passed and I got bigger those parts of me disappeared...were forgotten..or were discarded as I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss of shame and hopelessness.Let me be clear, one does not get to 300+ without a little despair and hopelessness in there. I was depressed, anxious, and feeding all my stress with food. My one and only coping mechanism. Not good on so many levels!! But it was all I had..some people drink too much, some people take medication, some people starve themselves--I ate. I ate and ate and ate and ate until I could no longer tell when I was hungry or when I was full or if I was eating because I was hungry or eating because I was depressed. I just ATE. I ate and ballooned up into this person I didn't recognize in the mirror or on the inside either....the old me was gone replaced by this large shell of a person that once used to be me but was somehow not me any longer.
Then I hit the wall. I could no longer stand where I was but could no longer move past where I was. I was stuck. No diet, no pill, no amount of anything was helping me--I was careening out of control and was afraid of where it would all end. Then my light bulb moment came and I found Barix and Dr.P and WLS...and it SAVED my life. End of story.
But not quite the end..because here is the Funny thing about this...the girl that disappeared over ten years ago is starting to emerge. Oh sure she has grown up a bit and is more mature but she still kicks ass!! See, as the layers fell so did the shame and hopelessness I had felt for so long. I feel like I am stripping down to my bare skin and revealing a new version of who I am and who I will become.
I often envsion it as the phoenix rising from the flames and ash--Whole but different than it was before. I am finding myself and my voice again but this tiem it is a little different--this girl is a bit grown up and yet beginning to feel the old confidence come back a bit more each day and each month. A little bit each day and each week she comes to the surface feeling grateful to be alive and taking big gulps of air as she adjusts to this new life.
It is interesting and funny when men who would crack a comment about your fat ass now whistle as you walk past them in the home improvement store or on the street....and it is interesting that even though I was heavy and ashamed I would not have given them a moment of my time and I still don't today--I am not flattered by these types of people. I am flattered by the teenage boy in the bookstore with his gangly limbs and pimples who stuttered and blushed when I was the customer next in line and smiled at me with his braces to the point where even my husband noticed this poor kid trying to flirt withme!! LOL But that is interesting to see myself through new eyes...I was at one time and may still be attractive. That is ego boosting but not in the concieted way many people think--I need to rebuild my sense of self and my idea of self worth...each day and each moment that I can see the good, see my health improving, see my efforts are worth it --each of these is affirming me and my decision.
Somewhere inside the old me is beginning to come out and become one with the new me. And that makes me smile....
Till next time!
0 Comments
About Me
Pottstown, PA
Location
29.7
BMI
Surgery
05/28/2008
Surgery Date
Feb 18, 2008
Member Since
