Janine J.

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I guess I am really the worst about updating my profile. I seem to write so much on the board and I never archive some of the things I write about. I also keep journals for my grandchildren...so after that sometimes I do not feel like writing anymore!

Since right before Christmas, I decided to bust free from the carbs. I have successfully since then lost 30 pounds. That is just amazing to me because in just a few short months, I will be 6 years post op.
It was not easy to begin with, but as the pounds have steadily melted off, it has given me the same type of momentum I had after WLS. Who would have thought that all these years later that you could lose that kind of weight?
I am smaller now than I have ever been...even after all the reconstructive surgery. I bought my first size 10 pair of Levi's this past week and I have to say....nothing tastes better than those 10's do!
I said that to my mil last night as they sat there eating their faces off and she keeps making snipes about how I don't eat. Well I do eat....she does not get the fact that one I cannot consume much food at a time and two that I rededicated myself to being true to myself and my pouch.

I just keep thinking honestly how I let myself gain and all I can say it was the power of denial for sure because when you have been reconstructed,one your weight does not show as quick....it is like you have been strapped down so far that it is nearly impossible to blow up where you were tightenend. Your weight will show in other areas, but DENIAL is quite powerful. You know those pants still fit and that is how I always judged my gaining....pants got tight...I knew I was gaining. A lot of my tops were still fitting...and I was still denying!

I am not exactly sure what was the turning point, but I felt I was slipping away and starting to hide and looked around at what I was eating...feeling that all too familar feel of sluggishness in the afternoon.....just shoveling my face when the going got tough and even tougher. I was not living the words that I was telling people on the boards. I was a FAKE! It is so much easier to talk the talk instead of walking it.
I know I could give a bunch of excuses too for the reasons that I just let mysef go and gave into grazing on crackers, dry ceral..you name it. Protien bars became candy to me. Although I kept telling myself it was healthy food....oh come on fat girl...how much denial are you going to believe eh?

So I did pull myself up by the boot straps because I am NOT going to be that person who loses the gift she was given the day she was rolled into that OR to save her life. I am not going to be that person who gets the whispers about how much weight she has gained. I am not going to hide and be out of sight because I do not want others to see that I am a failure.
I had a small bleep in my journey I would say...I am human and to be human is to err for sure. But my friend now is a measuring cup and a scale....something I thought that I would never resort to. I do not care that it appears that I am on a diet....well yeah I am on a diet and it is a diet called life and I want to be present for life. I am what I eat....and I am healthy today!

I have always said and tried to live by that motto,"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels," but for me now I can say is "Nothing tastes as good as those 10's feel!"
I also strongly believe in the phrase..."Just for Today" because I know that sometimes that is all I can get through and sometimes just for the moment. I have to listen to my body and distinguish the difference from true hunger or head or emotional hunger. This will be the reality of the rest of my life and I know that the moment I do not listen...I will be on the slippery slope again. 
As hard as a time I have had lately with work related issues and some family, I will NOT cave into the cravings. It is torture sometimes and I have drank myself silly with water and tea, but whatever works right?

My life is what I make it!!!!

PEACE OUT!!!!  

Well I feel as though I have gotten my life back. My husbands niece moved back to Iowa this past weekend and not too soon. Best part of it is that I felt that I was FREE...FREE to be me and I have been exercising and re-evaluating who I am and what I did to myself in the time she was here.
One thing I know loud and clear, I am still after 5+years an emotional eater and I do not know if I will ever be able to break the cycle of this. 
I do not believe my stress level ever hit this high since I have had surgery and I threw caution to the wind and went back to old habits.
I have made a committment to myself to get myself back on track and take care of me. 
The big thing I have to do is ween myself off of carbs, and figure out how I am going to deal with the fall out from his family.
No words have been spoken yet and my biggest fears is Jeff's parents hearing stories that I am sure are going to be extremely eskewed by a 17 year old who has some pretty deep emotional problems herself.
I guess wait and see, but in the meantime I am going to take care of me. I feel so good exercising and prior to having a motorcycle accident this past year, I was an exercise junkie. I even have all my own equipment at home, plus I have a gym membership. Excessive I know, but I looked good and felt great back then.
I want to be back there and give myself little choice but to move my body and go back to a more basic eating lifestyle again.
So for any of you who think you can not fail at this...believe it is right around the corner always ready to nip you in the heels. I became complacent and forgot where I came from and the ramifications of a little here and a little there. Take it from an old timer...you still have to diet and exercise....the pouch can't just work on its own.
As we roll into Thanksgiving this year, I feel good about it and know I do not have to stuff myself and my feelings because I am with people who love me and support me just the way I am!

PEACE OUT!!!  

It really has been a long time since I have posted to my profile and so much has happened in my life since then. First and foremost, I became a grandmother in September! That pleased me to no ends. 
Everyone told me what a joy it would be to be a grandmother....I do know that feeling now, but sometimes it also comes with its own price...long story.
On the food front and my weight....I have been fighting terribly and the pin point of it is stress. The stress eminates from having a teenage girl living with us. She is less than what I expected and surely had portrayed herself much different than she really is before I asked her to move out here to go to school.
Never in my life have I been treated so badly...not even my sons were like this...maybe it is a girl thing, I am not sure.

But the main thing is that I eat over stress. I have not been exercising since Ava was born. I am so down on myself right now. A so called friend said how fat I was that has been chewing at my craw since last week...so what do I do....eat. The irony of her words are that she is so damn heavy herself and she was someone whom I have known for 32 years and was always under 130pds. I guess she said it to make herself feel better, but I took it to heart and have been upset ever since.
I realize I need to get some help, I can no longer do this alone and after 5 + years of doing it alone...I am just tired of the internal battles...wars that are epic in my own head. I do not want to lay down and just give up, but that is how I feel right now.

PEACE OUT!  

6-23-07

Many of you know that I am somewhat of an old timer around here. I will be 5 years out of surgery this next month...so as Steve calls me....and elder in these parts. I have been on the boards that long however it does not reflect that because I changed my profile or membership or something like that.

The reason I am posting is because I just came back from the gym wtih my son. Now not that is anything extraordinary, but I got on the scale to see how I have been doing. 
I completely went back to basic food plan and cut out all my carbs...complex that is....no breads, rice, pasta.....nothing....just protien, veggies, water...you all know the drill right? Well in one weeks time, I have dropped 8 pounds!
I got into a habit at school of stress eating as I was under an incrediable amount of pressure for various reasons and found myself reaching for carbs...the comfort food. Well I sabotaged myself and I felt really horrible...physically not to mention emotionally. I had already gained some weight from hormones which the doctor promptly took me off of because my blood sugar was elevated...then I just started doing what I knew best....eating carbs.
I swear I never thought I would resort to that kind of behavior again as I held on to the good kind of behavior for so long. Well when people post here XXX amount of pounds lost forever....don't be fooled because the moment you let your guard down, the pounds will reappear. Maybe not all of a sudden, but over a period of time they will. DON'T BE FOOLED!!!

I did not think I had it in me to go back to basics. I have suffered physically with feeling like crap from the food I put in my mouth....no...no cake or stuff like that...but BREAD...I have not been able to exercise like I did because I am still not up to snuff after the motorcycle accident last year......but I am fighting my way back!!!

I am only posting this because I feel like it should be said...that wls is only a tool. It is not a guarantee that your weight problems will not come back! Work your tool...you put your body through a lot....it works when you work it...and if you think you stretched your stoma or your whatever....you didn't...it works if you are willing to work it!
I posted a pic of myself taken yesterday and I feel really proud of myself at 53 next month....soon to be a grandmother and know that I am going to live long enough to mostly likely see my grandchildren grown and married and hopefully live long enough to be a great grandmother...and it will be because I am willing never to give up and know that I have a tool that works for me as long as I am willing!!!

PEACE OUT  

This upcoming month of July is going to be a biggie for me. I will be 5 years out on the 10th and then on the 20th I will be 53. This is just amazing to me. I keep wondering where the time has gone. 

Last week I past the milestone of 3 years since I had my first reconstructive surgery. Now I really ask where did all that time go? I have 5 reconstructive surgeries to date!

I just posted a pic my husband took of me in my new swimsuit for the house only this year. I have not bought one for a while, but since my boxer ate my top yesterday and left me the chewed up, wire poking through...hi mom look what I did....I had to go and buy a new one. They are friggin expensive!!!!
It feels good that I feel comfortable with myself to wear a suit like this at home. Although I could go out in public with it on, I choose not to because I have been starred at and I feel it is because of all the scars I have....not because of my size because let me tell you.....and I am really not trying to be concided...I have seen worse and I have also had the audacity to wear a suit in public with my class at 300+ and then some pounds. How I ever did that I will never know!!!

I know with the wls and the reconstructive the biggest draw back to me is my still self loathing and how critical I am of myself.
I still have to accept that yes Janine...you were once a 385 pd person, you are not now, but you are in your 50's, going to be a grandmother....you have your health and what more could I ask for? Not a lot. Well maybe a bit less of the head trip games....but I am sure all of you following where I am at.
Maybe one day I will accept myself for me...with all the flaws, you know the scars, the stretch marks....the yada yada yada...oh yeah and wrinkles....but you know what? I will have fun in the meantime and love the life that all of this has afforded me.
And even though I complain sometimes here in my posts....I do love myself....and I feel fortunate and proud of myself for all my accomplishments because I use to feel that I did not deserve anything...and now I do!!! 

PEACE OUT  

Spring is a time of new beginnings for many things...like in nature there are flowers blooming, butterflies will be emerging soon and many of the people around these boards will be emerging into a new and improved healthy self! This is an exciting time of year! Many feel like bears coming out of the hybernation so to speak with the winter months behind us pretty much.

I often forget how it was like prior to wls because being nearly 5 years out, you tend to forget the pain you suffered prior to having wls. I mean the pain physically, but emotionally is just as strong and as crippling.

It is not easy following this path in life and even though we have the wls to help put the stoppers on our destructive road with food, we still have to follow a very disciplined way of life or the surgery does not work.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and only in the sense I miss my friend when I am down and out because I had so many of years of food being my best friend. I miss that friend even 5 years later.
I know I went into thinking that wls was going to be a cure for cure all's and found that wls is a lot of work. This is not to say that I do not mind. WLS keeps me in check day in and down out. I still dump very easy. I am not complaining, but my pouch sure lets me know who is the boss!
I struggle still at times and I am not a wls rock star either even though I have not done too shabby. No I am not in the single digits of clothing and never will be, but I am a respectable 12 which is fine with me. I was fortunate enough to have been able to have complete reconstructive surgery which is elusive to a lot of people. I feel that if I had not gone down that path that I was for sure in danger of gaining.
So I sit here thinking about all the ups and downs I have had with wls and I still would do it over again. It forever changed my life...in good ways and in bad ways...the bad ways are always being under the watchful eyes of others who know....but other than that...I do not think it is was a bad decision. As the saying goes...nothing tastes as good as thin feels...and no I am not thin...but compared to where I came from....I feel like a runway model for sure and I guess that is all that matters....that is how I feel about myself. 
I feel that I have accomplished a lot in my near 53 years....and no I do not identify myself as a wls person....and wls is not my life....what wls is to me is something that saved my life and improved it beyond my expectations!

PEACE OUT!!!

 

 

Hi Everyone...currently I am 16 days post-op. I am down 22 pds. I had lap RNY by a great doctor in Wildomar. I have no regrets. I feel fabulous. I am a 5th grade teacher out in the CA desert. Never imagined I would move out the SF bay area where I grew up, but I am loving life out here. I have two grown son's who also moved here this year. I have a very loving and supportive husband who didn't care how I looked...only wanted me to be happy. My son's are also very supportive. One of my friends totally freaks out about this, but he is coming around. Everyone at my work is supportive also. Would I do it again? You bet!!! I was very lucky for my process from deciding to do this to actually day of surgery was 2 months. This was meant to be. I would glad help anyone who needs the help in knowing what to do. Peace out!

 

 

 

 

Well I am feeling good these days. I have lost 30 pds now. I put it on yesterday to see how it fit. Well it was a tent on me....and what was really funny is that the dress is below my knees!! I am going to keep that dress. One of the teachers I work with said she would be next year I could wear the neck opening of the dress around my waist. I wouldn't doubt it. I also thought it was very funny!!

 

 

 

 

11/17/02 Wow I can't believe it has been 3 months since I have updated my profile. I am currently 65 pds lighter than the day of my surgery. Amazing to me. I have come to feel like the new me inside is a part of me now. I don't think about having the surgery as much in terms of feeling everything that is going on inside. It had become more routine for me now. For the most part, I have had no problems. I somtimes feel as though I am having a gall bladder attack, but doctor says it is because I had excessive scar tissue from the gall bladder surgery I had over 27 years ago. So I deal with it when it happens. I eat a very limited variety of food. I vary little because I know what works for me and I don't want to rock the boat so to speak. I think when I am on x-mas vacation in a month or so, I will experiment on some new foods....mainly vegetables. I really miss salad a lot! Time and time again I have been asked if I had it to do over again would I do it. I have never once said well you know....maybe I would re-consider. I think to myself why didn't I do this sooner. My only conclusion was that if I had done it sooner, I perhaps wouldn't have been ready for the lifestyle change. It is like they can't operate on your brain and make it all go away...the behavior that is. So I feel encouraged so far that I am not going back....I like my new lifestyle. I like being able to kick butt at the gym with weights and walking/runner. I like being able to go into the clothes store and not have to worry that the largest size might not fit. I like looking better on my motorcycle and believe me I have drawn some looks prior to surgery and I get them now too...but feel better about it. I like the way people react to me. I like it when some say they barely recognize me even at this point. I laugh when my photo came up here and I blew right pass myself because I didn't recognize me. I like feeling good....no longer having high blood sugar and high blood pressure.....and most of all I like myself for having the courage to give myself and my family the greatest gift I ever could have. The other thing that has been great about having this surgery is that I have made some really cool friends in the wls world!!!

 

 

 

 

12/10/02 Well I am officially 5 months post op and feeling fine. I am currently down 78 pds....not a huge weight loss like some, but nevertheless completely pleased with what I have accomplished. I continue to go to the gym at 4 in the morning 5 days a week, and this is where I notice by biggest change. Not only being dedicated to getting into shape, but the inches have fallen off tremendously! I am wearing 16's now and that is much smaller than I ever wore at this weight. A friend of mine told me that her doctor explained that when we carrying a large amount of weight on our frames for extended periods of time that it tends to make our bones more dense....kind of like dinosaur bones. Makes sense to me because I thought I would have to be below 200 to get into 16's. Most of all I have to say I am the most pleased by how I feel. My energy is good, I have had little complications...well actually none...just some obnoxious gas that hurts on occasion. I still eat a very limited array of foods. I don't really care that I haven't branched out too much. I did add some more meat to my diet which really gives me a good boost sometimes....I actually will crave it. When I deviate with my food that is what gives me problems....i.e.gas LOL I still do not regret have WLS...I would do it every year if I had to maintain what I have accomplished. I have a real peace about my decisions and real peace about my limitations. I am the kind of person who does really well on very focused things. I think what I really like about having this tool is that you just can't cheat or back slide in a sense because it will catch you and expose you with dumping, and once you dump....you know you don't want to go there again...at least not on purpose. So even though they only operated on my stomach....part of it in a sense they operated on my brain!

3/16/03 Well here I am 8 months post-op. Losing like a snail, but I rather don't care. I don't mean this in a negative way either. I just have let go of the numbers and stay focused on the exercise regime and eating properly. I know I have lost 90+ pds which is fine, but that century club still seems to elude me. I keep going down in sizes and I am currently a 14. That is what exercise has done for me....inches, and feeling good about myself. It gives me a tremendous amount of energy and I have to admit, I am addicted to the endorphines. I haven't taken a current picture. I plan to. I was looking at the two in my profile and realized how much I have changed in the 8 months. Pretty cool I think! I plan to get a new one real soon. Funny I was so excited about that leather jacket I bought 4 months ago and laughing at how large it is for me now. Going into the store and buying that off the rack was monumental at the time. Now it is going into the regular size department and trying to find clothes to fit LOL It seems like a real sea of clothes out there and sometimes it makes me feel really lost. I find the large sizes calling my name still. Really freaky to get out of them, and know there is no going back. Okay honestly, I can handle it. However, sometimes I just get frustrated. So life is good 8 months later. I fight with my issues as I am sure I always will, I am just more accepting of them now is all. I know I would do this all over again in a heartbeat without a doubt. I know I did this at the right time in my life. I don't know if I would have had the maturity and the awareness to have it down when I was younger. I don't even know if I would have appreciated it as much as I do now. Life is good to me in all aspects!!! Peace out!!!

 

 

 

 

6/10/03 I am 11 months post op now. I have lost 102 pds. I know I am a slow loser, but who cares when you are a loser LOL. I have had some struggles with emotional eating which I kind of managed to avoid. It is really difficult when you lose your main coping mechanism. Lots have changed for me in the past 11 months that I wouldnt change for anything. Not only did my body changed, I also changed work places. I still teach, but this next fall I will be teaching middle school. This will be a real switch for me! I am looking forward to that. I am also looking forward to blending in more at the work place. I won't have all eyes on my like they have been this past year. IT is like I have lived under a microscope about the weight loss. I really don't like all that attention and now, I will be able to go to work and know I won't be the heaviest one there! I continue to exercise like a maniac. It has been a great stress reduction device for me. I could have never exercised like I do 11 months ago. Not only being obese, I also was smoking my brains out. I quit a month before I had surgery....so I have a full year of no smoking under my belt too! That in itself is a great life saver as far as I am concerned. I no longer have high blood sugar nor hypertension. I wouldn't change what I have done for a moment, and I would do again if it meant that I could stay thin. Life is good....life is great!!!

7/10/03 Sliding on in here on the seat of my pants...well skirt okay...telling all you I made it through my 1st year as new WOMAN!! This has had to be the quickest year of my life. It seemed like only yesterday that I was complaining to my friend that if I didn't have this surgery any sooner, I would have to buy a whole new wardrobe as none of my clothes were fitting. I was in a tight 24 pants...really should have been in a 26 and I wore 3x tops stretched...or a 30-32 top (blouses if you could call them that!). Today I wear a 14 pant and skirts comfortably and generally will wear an XL top and some larges. Funny after all the years we have searched for loose fitting clothes only to be wearing form fitting ones now! I totally dig it! The really upbeat side of this surgery has been the health issues. I don't have any!!! None!! Well I still take thyroid meds which I will for the rest of my life....like having to take vitamins...no big deal, but I no longer have stage II diabetes, I no longer have high blood pressure, my cholestoral if fine. Hell I really might live to be 100!! My grandad is still alive at a whopping 95! My confidence is unbelievable and even though I had confidence prior to this or some may say "balls", it has never been like this. It isn't cockiness either. Having this surgery is like drugs in a way because it makes you feel so high about life and about yourself. Now if we could bottle this, we would all be millionaires. However all kidding aside, I am a very rich woman emotionally and spiritually and that is all I need. Good family ( you know those 2 hunk

10/13/03
Hard as this is to believe....I was never a princess and never wanted to be a princess....I was lumped together with a group of really nice people. However,I still had no desire to be called one or have to be in what some has described as a posse. I have always been just Janine, but many didn't want to see that either. What started as a term of endearment (slork) with the Contessa aka Joann La Porte...everyone wanted a part of it. It was for Joann and me alone...people wanted be slorkettes we tried to appease them and from there it just snowballed in to this childish popularity game. This is my last post to the open boards. I have no desire to come here and post and share what is meaningless to most. Hard as it is to believe too, I have a life; a very rich and full life and I did prior to WLS. I just do not have the desire to participate in the games any longer. I will support people whom I have made friends with and that is far as I can go. What could have been a great forum has only turn out to be a forum of questionable intentions. Thanks for the memories everyone...and I will you will in your journey. PEACE OUT!!

10/14/03
I hope that everyone reads the 10/13/03 post I made here as it is pertanent. I just want everyone to know and you all know who you are who have sent me letters of encouragement to stay on these boards. It is really hard for me as some of you know to want to put myself out there on the public boards. Surprisingly enough, I have received emails and even IM's from people I would have never thought would do or even care....I thank you for that also. I just want people to know that I will continue to support people via surgery pages and emails. I will continue to read the open boards and if I decide that if something moves me enough to post on the open boards....I will do so. I realized that there comes a time in my life that even so I love you guys dearly (you know who you are too) I just need to take care of myself not only physically, but emotionally also. I was becoming really drug down by all the negatvity that was flying and I thought to myself...why do this to myself...and worse yet...what am I doing sometimes participating in it? So instead of getting in a twist...I bowed out....I took back my indentity...and now it is time to get back to the business of what this board is really about....supporting one another in this incrediable new lifestyle.

10/19/03
This past week, I heard from a great deal of AMOS members showing their caring kind selfs to me. It took me forever to respond to each and everyone of you...and if for some reason I didn't get them all out...I truly apologize. Have to really say I was blown away as I didn't leave....only watching my input on the open MB. I read the boards daily and sometimes a few times a day when time permits. It is truly my only form of support aside from my family and few friends that know I had the surgery.
I had a very interesting weekend here in Palm Springs (that is where I live). We had our annual Biker Weekend. It was really cool. Lot of dirty bikers...kind of fun to rub elbows with the Hells Angels to Bikers for Jesus people. We all have a commonality of our love of motorcycles. It was fun. I was able to purchase a new light brown leather jacket. That really excited me because the one I bought this time last year is too big for me and it is a gorgeous jacket, but I am glad that it is too big! I also was able to by a two toned leather vest...a womens one no less....awesome looking!!! Always bought some beater shirts with unappropriate slogans on them for when I want to be a dirty biker LOL....I tell you people.....this WLS has been a real kick in the pants for me. I was hit on this weekend....that felt good.....there was this woman body builder walking down the street in her patriotic bikini...and my husband said she had nothing on me in the shoulder department...and even though her biceps were larger than mine....I said to him I am not trying to have Arnold arms either LOL!!!! It was good in some ways for my self esteem, but bad in others because I have issues with my arms with the hanging skin. The more my arms are building muscle the more it is apparent that I have some major apehangers under them. I really want to have a brachio done, but it is not in the cards for me right now. I am have to remind myself how truly blessed I am to have been able to have this life saving surgery....because it saved my miserable sorry life and my health. I never thought of myself as a really depressed woman, but I now realize how depressed I was about everything and it all eminated from my fat self and poor health. I am very healthy and active now and I don't have to put on a front when things aren't right. I can now say I have a problem because I feel like I won't be judged. It always seemed like before I wouldn't say anything for fear people would say...well your fat...that is your problem...any health issues doctors would say well lose some weight and then we will talk. Well my God....who annoted them God, judge, and doctor all rolled into one? I am still skidderish around doctors....won't go unless absolutely necessary and that is not good either. See as we all know living a life of an obese person has some really long term damaging effects to our spirits and I don't know for myself will they ever totally disappear. Like I have said, I truly never want to forget who I am....no amount of weight loss well ever let me forget what it is like to live the life of an obese person. I even watch obese people now and just wish I could help them to help themselves...it is really painful for me to watch them sometimes and I think....I wonder if people thought that way about me. Most of my friends say they never really though of me as being fat...just a big person...so go figure. So today is good....and I thank my lucky stars for wLS and the friends I have found here who have been so kind and wonderful and their support is priceless!! PEACE OUT!!!

1/4/04 Wow that is the first time that I have used 04! So here I am in the new year!!I haven't updated my profile in a long time I can see!!! I will be 18 months post op on the 10th of this month. Hard for me to believe. I am having an enormously big problem with my food because of emotional eating and justifying it with the holidays. I just want to eat, eat, eat, and then eat some more!! I am full, but my emotions are not full. Two months or so ago, I had the scare of my life thinking that my biological mother who gave me up for adoption was going to move here in my area. I swear I went off the deep end masking it by saying how cool would it be if we could just come to some common ground and she would finally accept me. Well I spent these two months not wanting to actually admit that I was really trying to live a fantasy and the more scared I became that it could be a reality....I porked!!! I made bad choices in food...oh don't get me wrong...my bad choices came in the form of grazing....my truly favorite thing to do!! I am not a sugar eater and never really have been...but I also drank excessively too. I didn't finally get it what was the root of it all until yesterday when I talked with my birth brother. He told me our mother was putting it on hold about moving here right now pending some other things and I swear to you all, the lightbulb went on!! Okay well the brick hit me in the head and I also felt sucker punched. For as educated of a person I am, I can really be a dumbshit about my emotions....like that is some big surprise here....hello???????come again how I got so fat????Well the best thing that happened was I didn't gain weight...I flucuate between 182-185 but if I hadn't been porking and drinking....I would have lost weight with all the exercise I do....I swear exercise is my only saving grace these days! So needless to say this little revelation really put some things into perspective for me.....like I am still an emotional eater....they only operated on my stomach.....I learned that I need to stay aware and not slip back into my old habits even though they were my best friend. I am also grateful to have my friend and slork Joann here to slap some sense into me sometimes...oh and don't you all worry.....I slap her too LMAO....Tomorrow I go back to work after being off for 2 delightful weeks of painting, reading, and partying with family and friends....and let me tell you....I hope it doesn't drive me further off the edge.....I need to start looking for some changes there!!! More to come my friends....it is a new year and still a new life of adjustments....repeat to myself....stay aware, stay aware!!!

PEACE OUT!!!!


2/12/04 So here I am 19 months out...did I celebrate....NO....all I do is fight with my brain...and it goes like this:

Lately, I have been having intense discussions with my brain. I want to tell it to shuddup and leave me the hell alone!!!
I have been on a real tear of being down on myself...calling myself names, not sleeping because my brain wakes up and tells me how awful I look. The last 2 nights, I have been awake since a little after 1 a.m. in the morning...and this last night, I woke because I had the nightmare about having to go to my surgeon's office for a checkup! I walked up to the door and saw the girl who had surgery the same day as I. They were all happy to see me and I was mortified. She was rail thin (she was very tall like 6' and that is in real life) and here was me in a dumpy gym tshirt that was all wrinkled and a pair of shorts. I ran crying hysterically not wanting them to see that I was a failure. My husband was trying to comfort me, but when they came out of the building is when I woke!
What does this all tell me? I am very self loathing these days....yesterday I must have gone through I don't know how many changes of clothes. Some of jeans the legs are getting tight because of working out....I equate that to getting fat again....the surgery failed me. Every lump and bump I see.....I am fat....I just can't stand this any longer. It seems when I was MO that I didn't care I was so far into denial. Today this surgery has made me obessive about my weight more than ever.
I never went into this surgery thinking that I would be rail thin, but isn't there a happy medium for me somewhere? This is insane. I am dying a million deaths of seeing my AMOS friends this weekend because I am telling myself that they are all going to see that I am a failure....with each pound they lose....I keep telling myself I am gaining it.
I don't feel like a success....I am hurting....I hate that my body won't cooperate...why did I ever think that surgery would make me lose weight easier...fought tooth and nail for every pound I have lost....I guess I should be happy that I have. My friend said to me the other day....Janine take that dress out you wore to the hospital when you had surgery....I am afraid to because my stupid brain is telling me that it is going to fit.
So shuddup brain...stop torturing me.....I can't stand it any longer!!!

I so wish that I could feel successful. I do not measure my success with numbers still....I measure my success with my brain and trying to merge the body and brain with each other....that to me is by far a harder task!

PEACE OUT!!!

2/21/04 For what it is worth, this site has served me well in the time I have spent here. I know that it has been a great place to find information, make friends, and generally feel like a part of a community. However, lately it has not felt right here nor does it feel good here any longer. The board is not a safe place and when I am monitored by other members for exercising my freedom of speech, it is no longer safe either. I have been sent horrible emails by a member using the language of a trucker....or maybe that is putting it mildly.....I did not. I am no saint....I have a mind of my own.....I don't feel it is necessary for many things....but I am so called spanked for saying what many people are feeling, and not playing into the daily whine fest that goes on here. See truth is people get on their high horses when you pull their numbers. I have to laugh because the post I made to someone's thread yesterday couldn't even respond herself. And furthermore, I have to sit back here and laugh thinking about what my friends have said and they don't get attacked. I guess I am easier prey....who knows. I rather doubt people will read this as I am going to pull a disappearing act. I don't want to be part of something that is so negative. Perhaps I will come back at some point in time and see the only changes is the weight loss....not the stupidity and awful attitudes!!

PEACE OUT!!!!!!!!!

5/14/04
I can't believe it has been nearly 3 months since I have updated my profile.
Not a lot has changed for me in the weight department and that is okay with me. I have not given up...or given in....I am just at a place where I know I have hit the ending of my weight loss so to speak. I knew going into this surgery that I would not be skinny as I was never a skinny person to begin with. Believe me I have grappled with this and have chewed it up and spit it out so many times that I have a sour taste in my mouth over it.
I took a huge step this past month and decided to seek reconstructive surgery. I do not know what kind of a battle I will have with the insurance. Dr. Katzen is by far more optimistic than I am...which is cool....and I need that right about now!
Although I will not be a model so to speak when I am done with the surgeries....yes surgeries....in my eyes....and in my mind.....I know that this will finally put a close on my life as an obese person. I know that sounds strange in a sense....it is like I never want to forget where I came from...and I never will....but I feel like I have to do the reconstructive surgery in order to have a healthier mental outlook about myself. I prayed and exercised my brains out hoping that I would be saved from the hanging skin....but age and the length of time I spent obese were not in my favor!
The irony of it all is that when I have been mulling the surgery over in my head....I get scared to think of a life without an apron....a life without apehangers (my arms...it is a motorcycle thing LOL) life without breast that have their heart set on going south....you all know what I am talking about. So how silly am I? Pretty silly....but I will mourn the loss pretty much how I went through the same emotions giving up food!
I often wonder if there will be a day that goes by that I will not obsess about weight issues, hanging skin....and food? Perhaps....I think I have in some ways taken steps to do so....and as my shrink said to me many years ago...."Janine we are not cakes that we stick our fingers into to see if we are done." Moral of that one is that life is a continuing process where we learn, jump the hurdles...and eventually find our niche of success!
PEACE OUT :-)

6/12/04 Well here I sit...nearly 2 years out and in 3 days I am going into the hospital for my first round of reconstructive surgery. I am one of the fortunate ones to have my insurance covering a good precentage of the work for me....I just have to pay my co-pays.
I have mixed feelings about all of it. I have had an apron (panni) since I had my 1st son over 26 years ago...will be weird to see my body with a flat stomach for sure! It feels like I am going through a mourning process about it all....will I freak out whenI see my new body. I am scared to death waking up and feeling the pain....a friend who had her thighs lifted said don't be scared a how swollen you will be between your legs....I said I guess I will know what it feels like to have balls too LOL
I know that I am going to come through this surgery with flying colors....I have faith in Dr.Katzen....good man!
So not only am I nearly my 2nd anniversary, I will be 50 in July...shouhd have had both surgeries by then....wow what a 5th gift to myself!!!

 

 

 

 

Shortly before I had my 1st reconstructive surgery.
7/9/04 Tomorrow marks my 2 year anniversary of having WLS. I truly cannot believe that 2 years has slipped by so fast!!! It is pretty darn amazing the mostly ups I have enjoyed in these past 2 years.
I was very fortunate to never really have any complications from WLS. I sailed through the operations with no complications. I complied with my surgeon's program even though he did not follow me after a couple of months. I had a great PCP who did anyways. I have never had any problems with my lab work. I do not take expensive vitamins. Daily I take a high potiency multiple vitamin from Trader Joe's and I take one CalciumCitrate pill a day. Once a week, I pop my sublingual B-12. Like I said I have good labs. My doc says they are of a young persons!
The 2nd year of my WLS was in some ways very difficult for me as the further you are out from surgery the less willingness you have being compliant. I bounced around in my weight within 5-7 pds. I still continually exercised up to having PS 3 and half weeks ago. I beat myself up emotionally a lot my 2nd year. You know, the honeymoon was over!! I had to really work at it and I was a slow loser on top of it!
Now don't get me wrong, I am thrilled at where I am at. Part of the beating up was totally related to skin issues and no matter how hard I worked at the gym, I could not see the person who I was. I constantly looked in the mirror and kept telling myself that I was just doomed to be a fat pig the rest of my life......but I wasn't a fat pig.....I was a nearly 50 year old gal who had 2 kids....c-section which left me at the ripe age of 23 with an apron from hell....gobs of stretch marks that lead to a map of nowhere, and very unhappy. Everywhere I looked on my body, I had the tell tell signs of hey you were once a MO person!
It was meant to be that I met Dr. Katzen who did my initial round of reconstructive surgery a few weeks ago. For those who do not know what I had done.....I had a complete lower body power lift. I am cut from my panni all the way around up over my hips and around the entire back. I had a medial and lateral thigh lift....which is the most painful thing I have ever done....the body lift was a cake walk in a sense....and my butt was lifted.
Although I am still swollen in my abdomen......you can tell how slender I am going to be. NO I am never going to be a model, but hell for what Dr. Katzen has done to my body so far....I am thrilled beyond belief!!! Yesterday, I bought myself a size medium jersey skirt....a MEDIUM!!! Knit....and clingy and even though my tummy is swollen still.....it fit and looks good. I started to cry in the dressing room and I know so many of you here can indentify with that one. I immediately called a gf when I got out of the store and told her because the day before she was able to buy a size 6 pair of shorts and she looked awesome in them and hasn't had any body work done yet!!!
So in few weeks I go for my 2nd round of PS....the upper body stuff! YAY!!!!!! New boobs and no more apehanger arms!!!!
In less than 2 weeks, I turn 50! I am so happy that I made it to be 50. I use to think my parents were so old at 50 and I am feeling like life is really just beginning for me. I know I am going to live the 2nd half of my life happy and healthy. I know I am never going to have to beat myself up for how I look. I am going to be able to wear clothes that have the 5% spandex in them without looking like a sausage incased in unnatural patterns and colors, I will be able to go to the gym and feel proud of what I have accomplished.....my body is going to show all the hard work that I have done and will continue to do.

You know I sit back and think about all that I have done in the last 2 years to enhance my life and my looks and it is really hard for me sometimes to take it all in....you know the magnitude of it all. I swear that I would do this surgery (WLS) all over again or each year if that is what it meant to keep healthy like I am now. It is truely a life altering decision. I had to really grabble with do I wanna give up my best friend or do I want to be healthy?????There was seriously a lot of soul searching going on. I had a hard time at first when I made the decision....do I or can I really give up all my comfy food....could I be compliant....could I learn to say NO to myself? I found that once I said yes and that I was going to have WLS and made that committment, I could do it. I am not saying that each day there hasn't been and internal battle with my brain and emotions, but I have a tool that reels me in and pulls the reins tight and sends that message to my brain and says, "NO you are not going to screw up!!!!!!" I am forever grateful!!!

PEACE OUT!



7/31/04
Gearing up for the 2nd round of reconstructive surgery is quite difficult for me in the sense that I am starting to feel human from my 1st round of surgery and I know I have to go through some uncomfortableness again!
I said to a friend the other day at the gym about how I wish I didn't have to have the second round of surgery, but he said no don't you think that way....get it done and you will be through with it and just move on! I told him he was right because I never want to go through something like this again.
The lower body lift with thighs and all was a very long haul for me, but one day short of 6 weeks I was back in the gym inspite of being full of stitches and staples in my groins and all the way around my torso. I have become the kotex queen of bandages for the leaky spots and rarely have a leaky accident. I have a couple of places that opened due to lack of blood supply from an old scar....no big deal....but irritating having to tape pads to my body when I don't do the girl thing any longer LOL!!!!!!!!
Over the course of this past week, I worked out everyday. Dr.Katzen asked me to go back to the gym and work my upper body prior to my next surgery which I have been doing. On the 1st day I walked 15 minutes on the treadmill....and from that day on....I have been back on the eliptical crosstrainer....yesterday completely 18 minutes. Now I know that doesn't sound like a lot....but when you are whacked up like me it is a lot....but prior to surgery....I did 35-40 minutes at a time!! I am hooked on that machine LOL....weight training was only up one notch from where I was working out before. However, there are exercises that I am not doing because I am not suppose to work the abs yet nor my inner legs.
When I think of where I have come just in these 6 weeks, it is absolutely amazing. The 1st couple of weeks I could have blown my brains out from the pain....and I would not say that lightly either. I have a very high tolerance for pain, but the thighs were off the hook in pain. I am so glad now that I did!!!
I guess everything is about time and patiences....and I suck at patience big time! This has taught me a lesson!
I am grateful for the life I have been given back not only from WLS, but from the reconstruction because that has given me more in a sense emotionally. This is not to say that I am not so so grateful for the WLS....I am....it was lifesaving!!! Reconstruction truly gave me my confidence back.....and I don't care what you say....you can't put a price tag on either!!!!
Stay tuned for more to come after next surgery :-)

8/21/04
Okay I survived reconstructive surgery # 2!!! I am 11 days post op right now and have a completely different out look on life than I did 11 days post op from my 1st surgery!!!
This surgery hurt me in a different way...more burning and pulling in my arms and sides. For all of you who haven't followed the journey here, my 2nd surgery consisted of a breast job with silicone implants, a brachioplasty, lipo on my back which eventuated in having to have incisions made on the side of my torso from around just under the breast area to a smidge below my waist on both sides, tattoo's removed from my biceps, and a revision of my last surgery as my wound opened on the bikini line due to lack of blood supply from an old surgery with lipo and more skin pulled down!! Can you say I truly look like the bride of Frankenstein with all the scars???????????
Well I do look like her, but I am okay with it all. I am overwhelmed at how this surgery is so much different from the last one in the sense of one, pain and two how different I look.
I was happy with the last surgery, but I was incomplete still...out of balance so to speak. This sugery gave me one hell of a figure that I never thought was possible! I can't even begin to express the gratitude I have towards Dr. Katzen...as I have said, "A true miracle worker and artist!!!"
This surgery has really come with a hefty price tag of emotions for me also. I feel like I am so exposed now and have no way of hiding behind my body. I have cried a lot and I am sure mourning still the loss of my security blanket, i.e. FAT!!! Not to mention I have to reinvent the way I dress even down to my underwear. Now don't get me wrong that I hate it, but it is a bit frustrating in the stores for me now with the old programing going on in my head about...oh I can't wear this or I can't wear that....and the truth is....I can wear anything I want because I no longer have the hanging skin that inhibited me from wearing it.
My mind has really not caught up to the image. I startled myself a number of times yesterday when I was out at how I look. Now I am only getting stares because of the incisions on my arms and not because I am either FAT or at the hanging skin on my arms that I never bothered to cover.
I am walking around in a very new world to me. This gal that I know who works in Lane Byrant said to me yesterday (and no I do not have shop there as I am with the swelling a medium and/or size 12 for the time being) that so many people forget where they come from and I said to her...Laurie...you know me and you know that I would never forget that. She agreed with me.
So often we have the tendency to forget how life was being MO...I am constantly going to be reminded of who I am everytime I look in the mirror or pull my clothes off and see the reminants of my former self....and although I joke around.....I am very humble about this experience and understand what it has afforded me....some piece of mind not to any longer beat myself up over my appearance and there is NO way you could ever put a price tag on the ridding of self loathing and gaining self acceptance!!! PEACE OUT :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

9/23/04
I can't believe that I am actually finishng my 4th week of work now!! I went back to work 3 weeks after I had my 2nd surgery. It was initially difficult with trying to get myself back into a schedule and routine, but now I am in full swing of teaching and feeling really good about myself.
There has been a lot of changes in my body in the last month. One I am significantly smaller...meaning a lot of the swelling has gone down in my abdomin. There is still a good amount left of swelling, but I don't care at this point as I look half way normal.
I saw Dr. Katzen the other day and more than once he said to me that I looked great and was rather cute when he walked into the exam room...he said, "Hi I am Dr. Katzen (with his hand out to shake mine)....do I know you????" I just cracked up until he got the needle out to shoot up my groin with lidocaine to remove a staple and a stitch that remained from my original surgery.
I am overall pleased with how I look like I said. I keep thinking I have these huge thighs now as most pants for the way they are cut are too slim in my thighs and loose on my waist. Yes I am wearing a size 12 with what appears to be a very flat tummy, but actually it is still swollen!!!! LOL
What has dramatically changed for me is my outlook about myself. I was so so down on myself for so many years although, never letting my appearance totally get in my way. I feel excited about life. I feel very present in life for a change and look forward to going to work each day which is a good thing. I feel very clear about how I need to eat, how I need to exercise, and how I need to stay mentally healthy to not eat and to exercise. I feel I have a great support system starting with my husband down to a number of really close friends.
I guess no one ever said life would be easy and God knows we have had some pretty hard roads to travel, but WLS gives a life that we would never had known otherwise. The grattitude I have for making it to 50 years, for having wonderful people in my life, to having 2 awesome son's...and then to have what seems to me WLS hand to be....and the icing on the cake the reconstructive surgery.....I just feel like I said grateful. I am a very lucky person and there is not one day that goes by that I don't know that I am very lucky for all that has happened to me. It molded who I am....and to tell you the truth there is not one thing I would change.....it was a road I needed travel to become one with mind and body!!

PEACE OUT :-)

 

 

 

 

11/4//04 As all of you know this past weekend was the big OH Convention in LA. I went to this event with the understanding that people on these board were kind and loving people whom I felt I could trust. For the most part I still think I know who you are. However, the chain of events which took place this last weekend has sadden and disappointed me to no ends.

First of all and to whomever might read this, I will not excuse my behavior attributed to alcohol although it did play a part into it unfortunately. However, the same people who come to these boards claiming to be supportive and who are tried of being judged are the same people who pointed finger...well just remember when you point that finger, there are 3 fingers pointed back at yourself.
The other thing, I feel that a lot of us were betrayed by posting pictures on this site for God knows who to see that could ultimately have a negative effect on people's careers. Although not done in malice, but done in very poor judgement.


As a very wise person told me about this last weekend, that we came here to the convention with a lot of emotions and we felt that it was a safe place. There was gossip and rumors flying, big time caddiness and back stabbing, and plain vicious lies spread by some.

It really baffles me to no ends. I do not understand why a bunch of grown so called adults had to act in the fashion...pretty much grade school stuff as I cannot even say it is middle school behavior.

Why does human nature dictate the crudest acts of unkindness I often wonder. I can honestly say in my hearts of hearts that I have nothing bad to say about one person here. No I do not have to like everyone. However, that does not give me the right to put them down because we do not see eye to eye on things.

A number of people have encouraged me to stick around and show up to events still...that I am a well liked person and that people look up to me. Well obviously you saw a different side of me this past week....okay a side that perhaps I am not particularly proud of but nevertheless I am just as human as you are or the next person. But moreover, I do not feel safe now. I feel like I was hugely betrayed by some of the people whom I did call my friend. I look around and think...wow who can I really trust? Well I found out.

So as much as my actions do not tell the person of who I really am, I do not feel that it is anybodies right to sit in judgement. That is for our final day if you know what I mean. I have a lot going for myself and I do not mean that in a conceited way....it is just I am so much more than the person you saw this weekend.

As always, I do wish everyone well in their new way of life where they are!!

PEACE OUT!!!!

11/11/04
Well I feel I can take a moments breather and think for myself and not have a bizillion things to do.
As a lot of you know my oldest son got married this last weekend and it is a barrel of emotions I must admit.
I had no reservations about the gal he was marrying. In fact I like Sandy a whole lot. The two of them make a cute couple and I have to hand it to her...anyone who can put up with James does deserve a medal and then more!!
The wedding itself went off without too many hitches. The reception was a real ball. Everyone danced and yucked it up like you rarely see at a wedding.
I had a hard time because I was being seen by a lot of people who never knew me for one, and then there was a great deal of people there who had not seen me for a very long time. I could see the shock on their faces, but I handled it with dignity I felt. I wanted the focus of the day to be away from me and directed at my son and his new bride.
I hide myself under a dressy poncho for a long time before I let people see me in a revealing black dress. Now don't get me wrong, I felt good about how I looked, but nevertheless it is still hard to receive postive attention when I have been so programed to only hear the negative.
I re-read my profile this morning. I haven't done that for a very long time. In nearly 2 and half years, I have come a long ways. I am not saying I am done for sure. However, I can see the growth, I can see the struggles and it was very good for me to read the struggles, and keep myself focused to stay clear in my thoughts and not allow anyone or anything to sabatoge my personal growth.
I want to be successful for myself and myself only. I know that sounds selfish in a way, but what I mean is that I am not here or anywhere else to please anyone.
I set out on my journey a few years ago in quest of a healthier life. I have always said that anything past getting healthy was pure gravy and I still believe that mentality to this day. I have been extremely fortunate to get to where I am today and I won't ever forget that either.
So when you have time, sit down and re-read your profile again and see how far you have come in your journey. I think it is as benefical to you as it is to others who read your profile.
I know I do not have all the answers to living my life after wls. I know that somedays are by far more difficult than others. Things effect our lives, and we are so quick to revert to our old habits. I just know I have to stay focused and stay strong and and be true to my own self.

PEACE OUT!!!


1/3/05
It has been a while since I have made an update on my profile. Since the least update, I have had another surgery. Although the surgery went fine, it has been long haul to recover from this one it seems like.
Life just seems to be so hectic and crazy....I survived the holidays with not a lot of stress for a change. Both of my son's did the holiday cooking. My younger son and his wife cooked for Thanksgiving and my older son and his wife did the Christmas dinner. For the 1st time for both holidays in 30 years I did not cook. It felt weird, but I guess it is time to pass the reigns!

So this year, 2005 is met with no resolutions as I feel a real contentment in my life these days. I never even thought about making a resolution and as I was making a post this morning, I realized that I had not done so.

It is such a relief not to be in that kind of a mindset. I have made peace and feel like I do not need to set myself up for disappointing myself any longer. I realize that in my 50 years that I have come a long ways and understand that I need to deal with issues as they present themselves and not wait for something like a new year to take care of them.

I feel like having wls has taught me a lot about myself and what I mean by this is that I no longer have the food to numb or dull the situation. I feel like I have to confront my issues and that in itself can be very powerful. Powerful in the sense that I am taking the power out of food and allowing myself to feel what is uncomfortable, say what I am not liking and know that I am not going to stuff it all back down with food.

Years ago when I found my birthmother, I realized that I never had to quit at doing something that I started. WLS has renewed that same kind of determination about my life.

Now with the added luxuary I would say of having reconstructive surgery it has only compounded my shear determination and strength inwardly. I realize what a lucky person I am to have been able to have my entire body remolded into a normal looking body, but it gave me courage and strength that I did not know I had. It gave to me that there is no way that I would ever blow my wls tool because I like being able to fit in and not be known for oh yeah that use to be the fat gal! And don't get me wrong here, I know where I came from and I will not let that ever effect my attitude or my feelings for people who unmercifully get hounded and disrespected because of weight issues.

2005....it sounds so futuristic, but knowing that I have a future of living healthy is remarkable! So as I march through this young year so far, I will hold my head up high and know that this once fat girl can do anything she sets out to do and she doesn't need to make resolutions to achieve it!!!

PEACE OUT!!!!!!!!

1/9/05

For those of you post-op and even those who are pre-op who have had these thoughts about wls that after you have your operation that you would wake up thin?
Well I sure had those thoughts big time and was so horrible disappointed when they woke me up in recovery that I was not thin and gorgeous. I played such games with my head. And of course, even after I worked through that part, I thought all would go back to the way it was when I was a young woman (like teens ) and my life would be complete.

Well here is the real kicker....I lost the weight my body would allow me to...and life was not all so great and my skin took a huge hit from being morbidly obese all my adult life.

I seeked out reconstructive surgery as a last result to have some sort of normalcy with my body and this is where I found that the psychological part of this leg of my journey has been the hardest.

I did wake up thin so to speak. It is one of the most freakest feelings in the whole world and there is even less time to get use to the fact that your body has been altered. Still all these months later the mind and body image has not caught up. I still want to buy larger sizes and this is not about a size or the number aspect....it is just I don't get it.

I catch glimpses of myself and think who is that? And the funny thing of it is....I really didn't go through this as bad as I did while going through the wl. I think the reason for that is because I was a super slow loser and my mind had more time to adjust.

The other part to this PS thing is that NO my skin does not look beautiful like one would think. I am a walking map of scars from the ravishes of obesity. My stretch marks that I had from being obese are still there only in different places and in different directions. I really trip out because they use to be more vertical and now they are diagional!!

No amount of reconstructive surgery will ever rid me of knowing here I came from and for sure there is no way that I ever want to forget. Some have said to me you did this out of vanity, and I have to say part of me did and part of me feels really hurt when they say this because they have never had to life in a body of fat.

I feel more so that I did this and I have said it many of times here is that I did it for my sanity and my physical health. I know in my heart of hearts that I would have never maintained my weight if I had not done something even more drastic than wls.

This leg of my journey has been very up and down for me emotionally and physically. I want to be normal in my head so bad, but then I think what is normal and what am I trying to achieve? Is normal that model in a magazine or the gal strutting down the street with her head held up high brimming with cofidence? I don't know to be honest with you. I never wanted to be a model nor did I ever think I was even pretty. You know my husband has always thought I was pretty even when he married me at 360 pds....but today he thinks I am his model and treats me like one....I really love it too!

I guess what I am trying to tell you guys is that one I am happy I did this in a lot of ways, but it is not a cure all to end all. There is a huge psychological component that goes along with doing something like this and it takes continual work just like it does working your tool that we have been so lucky to have. I really do hope someday that my mind and body image merges to a degree where I can let go of the feeling of such a huge event in my life....and then again maybe I should just try to learn to embrace who I am now...healthy and happy with a side of who and the heck am I?


PEACE OUT!!!!!!


1/18/05


For months now as you all have known I went through all this reconstructive surgery still to be plagued with belittling myself every chance I got and never accepting the changes for real or should I say own those changes. I have constantly had this broken record in my head saying to myself...you're fat...you're this or that...you all know that record....it was recorded by each and everyone of us for whatever our reasons are.

Well yesterday, Dr. Katzen pulled up my surgical pictures. The before one he took literally minutes before I went into the operating room. First of all I was not watching his computer screen when he was search...so he says to me, "Janine do you recognize this person?" I sat there with some puzzlement....and he said to me, "Janine do you recognize that tattoo?" I started to feel the tears come to my eyes when I realized....OMG that is me.
To go a step further, Dr. Katzen pulled up the pictures of where he marked me off for surgery. In some places it look like nearly a foot of my stomach was taken off....the marks were shocking because he said where the lines were from top to bottom is where he removed all the skin. I also saw some of the pictures that were taken during the medial thigh lift while I was under anesthesia.

Shocking all of this....you bet!!! I can honestly say that the surgical stuff was not the most shocking part of looking at these photo's. The shocking part was the disbelief at how far I have come due to the talented hands of this man.

Will I ever put myself down like I have always done....I don't think so. I have often said that Dr. Katzen gave me a real gift of returning my life to me or just having a life that I never knew. But this by far was the greatest gift he gave me....to let me see where I came from. And honestly...to see the look of pride and accomplishment in his face was also a pleasure to see.

I cannot explain to you in words what I experienced yesterday because I cannot sort it all out. I just know that I came away from his office yesterday with a different perspective of myself. I am honestly blown away and I have a new sense of myself. I know I walked around wherever I was in the vast L.A. area with my head up high and a feeling for once in my life being super proud of myself knowing where I have come from and what I have accomplished!

Hugs to all of you for the continuing out pour of support you have shown me through my evolving self!


PEACE OUT!!!!


4/25/05
What a difference a few months make in healing well pretty much completely and being able to work out in the gym 4 days a week. I feel like a new person! I have had some pretty good results with working out and have received compliments beyond...even was told my someone that I reminded them of the wrestler, China. At first I was offended, but then realized it was meant as a compliment because I look strong...well heck I am!

I have pretty much kept a low profile around these neck of the woods. Meaning I am more than willing to support people who are honest and real and have and will continue to pass over the b.s. that seems to be so prevalent around here.
This wl community I thought would be different and that we had this common bond...kind of how I thought about my adopted brother and me always sticking together because we were bound my adoption...well think again.
It is like if you are not so emotionally healthy prior to surgery...this surgery is surely not going to fix your head unles you seek out therapy or just plain be willing to change your behavior.
I have come across more childish and really rotten behavior from some here that I am super appauld about to be quite frank and it will continue to keep me away for good at any OH activities or anything related to them. And for people who have read my profile and wonder...it has nothing to do with things that happened at the convention last year, but it is a cumilation of a lot of things.
However I do want to reiterate, the people who truly need support and the few people who shown their true friendship, I will always support and go out of my way for you....it is like you take what you need and leave the rest behind kind of thing.

As for my future with living this way of life, I feel confident in the choices I make and this is not to say that I do not blow it hear and there. I am not so over confident that I think that I also have my food issues solved. I am just like the rest of you....I struggle and have my bad days, but one thing that is always consistant is my love of exercise and really my love of me because for one if I cannot love myself....who can I love! I am proud of me for all the I have accomplished in my 50 years and I know there is more for me down the road!!!

Peace Out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A footnote to new people reading...I am not longer a 5th grade teacher. I teach in the CA desert still, but I am now a middle school teacher. Not that it really matters but I was looking at the beginning of my profile and saw that!

5/10/05

You know it is nice still after being nearly 3 years out from wls that I can still have one of those Oh Wow moments!!

Today was the beginning of the installation of the tile mural wall I have been working on non-stop for the last

Well enough of that...what was the oh wow moment was that me...after all day teaching went out and helped my greatest guy in the world stucco the wall where the mural is going to be placed. I worked 5 hours after I taught all day....applying this goop to level out the wall or as in stucco guy talk...float the wall. I am telling you, I did not have the stamina even a year ago to pull something like that off let alone being a morbidly obese person. I did my first mural as a MO person. Today I did this as a normal sized person who is healthy, fit and full of life.
I have to honestly say I do not know what meant more to me, the mural or the feeling of accomplishment with self. I went through hell to get to where I am today. And yes I call it hell because the weight loss was the easy part to me. Not having choices with my food like I use to is not hard for me either. What was hard was making it back from reconstructive surgery and even harder to have the acceptance of self when I look in the mirror these days. I do not want to say I still see that fat person looking back at me...the person whom I knew for so many years. I am more not understanding my body in the sense it is all so new and it is a body that I never had in my life. This is not because I was always MO...this is because the doctor who rebuilt me built me this whole new person!!
The other thing is that I had to go into Ross's to get some work clothes....meaning some beater type clothes that I didn't care about wrecking while doing this installation. It is so incrediably weird to go in there and just pick up some clothes...bing bing bing and everything works without trying it on.
You know when I began this journey I never had a size or a weight in mind of what I wanted to be. If I had had a mouthful of something when the surgeon told me that I would probably weigh about 140 pds...well I would have spit it all over his face. I thought to myself...yeah right...140...I weighed that in 8th grade, wasn't as nearly tall as I am now and was thin. Today I do not know how much I weigh....I am a size 12 sometimes 10's in pants....and I wear a large top. I am happy. I couldn't have asked for more and above all and this is the real clencher for me is that I am healthy, I am fit, and I have this new found confidence that I feel free to exercise. I no longer sit back and not say what I really feel because I know now that I can say it and I am not going to ridiculed on my weight because I have an opinion.

Ain't life grand???? You know there is no amount of money in the world that could make me go back to where I was and if there was a price tag I would put on where I came from...well I would also have to say....PRICELESS!!!

PEACE OUT!!!

6/15/05

Wow I have a hard time believing that it has been a year today since I had my first round of reconstructive surgery. I never thought in a million years that I would be sitting where I am today in terms of what my body looks like. I am still not out of the woods in terms of surgery as I am having another one on the 15th of July and hopefully it will be my last one!

I really feel good about where I have gotten inspite of set backs of having to have more surgery than anticipated. I am really okay with it because I know my doctor has my best interest at heart. He didn't have a great body to work with from the get go and I still feel after all said and done, he is still a talented man.

Things just keep getting better and better for me. I am able to work out like a fool and not have to worry about arms flying or about anything else. How cool is that?

In terms of how I feel about myself. Well I do feel more vunerable to people's attitudes and how I am treated, but a member here pointed out how we are all guilty of some sort of discrimination about others too. It was a point well taken. Sometimes I feel more sensitive too in terms of having raw feelings that can't be stuffed, but I am learning that this is okay too even though it causes me problems. Those problems are a 50/50 thing with me and others and mostly I feel because they are not use to me saying how I feel. I keep thinking...am I wrong to state how I feel? Kind makes me wanna crawl in my hole or shell really since I am a crab!

I have come to realize honesty is a hard thing for people to deal with...me included at times. I do know that I have to be honest with myself and be true to myself because I know with all the deciet and lying that was and has been done to me got me to 385 pds.

So today is a good day and an odd day...I can't even say I even identify with the gal in the pictures anymore. I have slowly come around to getting it in my head that I am no longer that fat chick with great gobs of pain in her eyes. I am a reinvented person thanks to a lot of hard work and the miracles of modern medicine!

PEACE OUT!!!


6/6/05

On Sunday the 10th I will be exactly 3 years out from wls! For the last couple of days, I have been quite reflective of those 3 years and just before I decided to write this, I re-read my profile here.

It was very interesting to me to see all the ups and downs that I posted here for me to remember where I came from and for others to hopefully benefit by my own quest for health and happiness.

One think that I have loud and clear these days is as I posted to a gals thread this week is that I no longer live for food, but instead I have the mindset of food to live.

I often have thought what was the magic pill for me with wls and I have to honestly admit that it always leads back to my health. We all know that if we do not have our health our lives are dismal at best. I know I could not go back to that mere existance of what I called a life. Imagine and I know you can all indentify with this is basis your whole daily living around what was going to be your next meal? What kind of life is that?

When I made the decision to have surgery, I went on a last meal kick that consequently made me gain weight and even though my surgeon did not require me to lose, I felt like a failure and ashamed that I had gained so much. I just wanted to get in as much food as I could possibly hold because I knew it was death to food.

Today...food is not death to me...it is life. I do still struggle at times. However, I know have a tool that helps and my excessive amount of exercise keeps my weight very stable. One would say I am addicted to exercise...my friend said endorphine junkie...I could think of worse things to be addicted to. I would even venture to say that yes probably I am still addicted to food, but in a totally different way. I am addicted to healthy good tasting food. I am addicted to quality not quantity.

You know even being 3 years out, I will always remember my fat girl self...remember the pain, the shame, the unhealthiness that my obesity brought me. It is so unfair that we have to wear our disease in some respects. I might have lost a part of me, but it was the part I didn't need.

I need to be present and love myself no matter what others think of me. I have to forget that other people have their issues and fall prey to projection. I know in my heart of hearts I am a good person...forthright and honest. I have a VOICE...that is one of the unexpected great perks of wls to me. I able to say when I do not like something and not have the fear of someway calling me FAT or pointing the finger blaming the situation on me because of weight...and if that doesn't make sense....scenario....well everyone knows she is like that...because she is fat...you get my drift!

So as I close on another year of living life, present and accountable for me and what I put in me....I am happy, loving myself and life.


PEACE OUT!!!


8/20/05


The Indelible Image


The reason I put the heading I did is because once again (yes I have talked about this before) the images my doctor showed me and his new associates yesterday. I was truly stunned and it will forever leave an idelible image in my mind.


In 13 months, I have gone from....heck I cannot even put into words how I looked....most people didn't see me as fat....but I did have skin issues....to being very flat and think in the areas that bothered me the most. Dr. K said to me yesterday that most doctors will tell you what you want to hear...meaning you look great, but even he said that I came out of this last operation even better than he has expected. I know he sincerely meant this....and truth be told....I feel the same way.


He was explaining to his associated Dr. Eby and his P.A. wife how taking elipitical portions off the body worked better to contour the body then going with the traditional methods. What he meant by the traditional method was there is still a group of doctors who will make an incision on the back to get rid of back boobs!!! With the way doc did mine from the sides of the torso and the center of my abdomin it has made it for a nice effect....although not the flat smooth back I would love to have...so much better than back boobs!!! I figure you can't have it all....and having a flat tummy is what people see 1st!!!


I kind of shake my head in disbelief what can be done through the powers of modern medicine...first with the bypass and getting healthy and then with the reconstructive phase to render you more asthetically pleasing to yourself. I am truly grateful and more grateful than I can put into words.


Photographs and documentation are very powerful people. I know prior to our surgery we shy away from the cameras as much as we can. I think after coming full circle with wls and reconstructive surgery, I realize I wish I had more documentation than I did. I wish I still had the photo's I was required to take in the diet program I was in years ago. You could not put my body side by side and know it was the same person.

Also going through my photo's with doc yesterday and seeing all the successions of surgery ....just baffling is all I can say. I remember the 1st breast reconstruction to where they look today...OMG is all I can say because there has been so major changes....and in a good way. I love my torso and lower stomach....and I am still swollen and know I am going to be even smaller. The incisions from my revision of my brachioplasty is phenominal to say the least. I do have to get silcone strips to help the scars even further, but if I didn't do that, I would still be happy with how my arms have come out.

I think one of the most common things I hear from people who have lived a significant amount of their lives MO, have wls, and then able to go on to reconstructive surgery....we all feel a profound amount of loss losing everything we know. I know I had my apron for 23 years and had to learn how to urinate different after the lower body lift....I cried for my old self because I had to relearn just like I did with having to eat.

Reconstructive surgery is not something I would wish on my worst enemy....and especially a medial thigh lift. I really feel that nothing prepares you for the radical difference there is with your body which is immediate inspite of the swelling. You can rationalize all you want in your head how this is going to improve your life....but when you walk through this phase and come out looking like a totally different person....I don't want to say you flip out....but for me what happened and is still happening is that there is no way for your mind and emotions have any time to make-up for the image that you see a day later so to speak.

I have no regrets with every having wls because it totally improved the quality of my life and I do not regret the reconstructive part. My advice to anyone who is either looking into this phase of their journey to seek out someone to speak with....run your feeling by....it doesn't always need to be a professional, but it helps too just knowing someone who has done it.
Much like wls as we say they can operate on the body, but not the mind....same true of reconstructive surgery and I feel moreso. Having a body that you never have known can really play havoc with your mind and the distorted body image thing we all suffer with.

I know now I have even a more intense desire not to blow my program because of what I have put myself through in these short 13 months...and I know that everyday of the rest of my life I am going to have to be accountable for the way I eat and they way I exercise. Fine by me and whatever it takes!!

PEACE OUT!!

10-5-05

Wow it has been a while since I have updated my profile. My life has been crazy coupled with the fact that I spend less and less time here. It is not because I do not want to, but I am not really welcomed here on the Cali boards because I refuse to be part of the cliques, and I get ridiculed and talked about by the very people whom I have supported. Oh well can please all the people all the time. I figure it this way is that I do take responsibility for my own actions and that is all I can do.

Admist all the work turnmoil that I have gone through since school has started, I have done very well if I don't say so on my food. I actually have little time to eat and find that I have food that is easy and not messy to eat while I work through my lunch time and so forth. I do not have the time to sit and eat with my co-workers....one because I do not want to get involved and two....I am just too busy with teaching in a couple of subject areas plus doing the yearbook this year for the new school I am at.

Funny or not so...I don't know how much more time we have when we put the food down. I am also going to school 3 days a week to get a supplemental credential and I am having a ball. All the men who are around my age are hillarious...each and everyone of them at some point have come up to me and have asked what happened to my arms. I want to give them some bs story, but do not have the heart to do so!

I find that even though I had a lot of confidence prior to wls and even my reconstructive surgery....I have even more now in the general public. Sometimes I still have to get past in my head that I am no longer the fat girl....I just call myself a trim big girl. Yeah I am not 6 or 8, but I am a comfortable in 10-12's and what more could I ask for? I am a 51 year old woman who had 2 kids and lived her adult life obese. So I feel really fortunate for where I am at.

Speaking of fortunate.....not for one day have I ever taken my surgery for granted. It is a tool for which saved me from dying a slow death. I will always remember John Ott and his fight for his surgery and his insurance company failing him in my eyes and making that poor man wait until it was essentailly too late. This surgery was meant for people like John and shame on the industry for blocking a procedure or dragging their feet for so long. John left his legacy for us....for all of us to never give up no matter what you are determined to do.....it is about determination and tenacity....and if you do not fight for your rights....then you might as well be dead also.

I have often thought of how my life would have been different if I had not been obese. And I have never regretted being obese on some levels because it taught me a lot and got me to where I am today and I am not talking about my body as the exterior. Me, Janine....the person who I am inside has grown through the years and I have developed into a very successful person and I am not ashamed to say that or feel guilty about saying that. I am fortunate beyond belief because every step I take in my life has taught me something and for that I am completely grateful!

All I can say is never give up because if you do....you cease to grow!!!

PEACE OUT!!

12-22-05

So I say lucky because I do feel that way for having my health. It has been a long road for a lot of us and I had no short route for sure in many aspects, but today I feel on top of the world.

The day of the Solstice in Joshua Tree

 

 

 

 

Like I said, I have my health, I have a good support system of family and a few close friends in the real world and very few here. However the ones that I do have here are some pretty awesome people.

So as we move it to a new year....I hope this one is a good one for me and all out there!

 

 

 

 

12-26-05

I had this really cool Christmas this year and I hope that others can say the same too!
For years I did all the cooking, all the shopping just to insure that everyone was taken care of. Yesterday and throughout the entire holiday season it seems and feels like I was taken care of. I did not have to cook, bake, shop unless I wanted to...anything. I did not have to have anything at my house and so forth...it was awesome!!!

My son's and their wives did it all and I got to spend time with them, friends and just totally enjoy the day. Now how cools is that?

I ate more or grazed more than I am accustomed to. Okay it is just a one day thing and I am okay with it....but that is where it ended. I even got up yesterday morning and exercised....okay I am an exercise junkie if truth be told...and even better today I am going to go out and buy this complete weight training contraption! I am super excited about that one!

Recently I bought a gym quality eliptical and have only been using free weights which I hate but nevertheless they are still keeping me in shape. I work on an exercise ball too which I just love because I can stretch my body really good on it and it really helps with all the scar tissue I have from reconstructive surgery.

I look forward to welcoming 2006 in. It means that I will have another minor degree from college (okay I am way too educated), I have my health....and I only face one more surgery....I am blessed with a lot of things...family, health, friends what more could a gal ask for eh?
I hope that 2006 only brings us the challenge of staying healthy at all costs!

12-30-05

I guess this will be the last post on my profile for the year. Hard to believe that it is already going to be 2006. It seems like it was yesterday that there was all the big hoopla about the new milenium!!

I am happy to say that I can forego the free weights because I went out the other day and purchased a universal weight machine. It is so cool and the only thing you cannot do on it is ab and adductor leg work. You can do all the upper body weight training and lower body as well except for the two I mentioned! I am so excited about it. It is like having my own private gym completely now and I can exercise whenever I want, do not have to fit for a machine amongst stinky men and do not have to worry if I look okay! How cool is that? I tell you and anyone who reads this...I am a whacko about exercise and love it!

Happy New Years all ;-)

 

 

 

 

2-12-06

I guess I should add something to my profile as I haven't written here for a while.

I feel I am fortuante in so many ways hence the screename. I have this very small circle of friends who support me and I support them in return. I actually really found out who are my friends and I am very grateful for them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7/06




Life has been on the run for me these days with changing schools, and have 3 different subjet areas to teach in plus going to school myself to get my art credential. According to Bush I am not qualified to teach art even though I have for quite a while....I need a piece of paper saying that I am....dumb eh? I love the clases I have taken and it has only strengthen my abilities which is cool.....we always have room for learning eh?

 

 

 

 

me 1-1-06

I have good days and bad days with food still....I struggle just like the rest of you or will after the honeymoon is long gone. I still exercise faithfully even when I do not want to and realize that this is only for today. For anyone who thinks that it is easy the further you are out...think again...the further you are out....the harder you have to work I think. I am nearly 4 years out....and it sure has its bumpy roads to travel. I won't give up!!!!!

 

 

 

 

This is my dil Ashley on left, me and my other dil, Sandy on Rodeo Drive 2-19-06

4-14-06

I have not posted much on my profile lately. I do not know why, but here I am now.
I just underwent a 5th round of reconstructive surgery. It was really a rough surgery for me as it was a lot more painful than I had expected. My body continues to make scar tissue that hurts me a lot and doc has had to redo my breast more times than I want to think about. He told me this time he had to attach the tissue or what was left of it to my ribs..thant kind of grosses me out...I do not know why, but it does. He also did a revision on my tt...a mini tt as he calls it. He really paid attention to what I had to say and gave me a new kitty which I am happy about...not that the old one looked bad from his first job, but I told him how I wanted it to look and he did it. Funny how little things can bother you.
This hospital he had me at Century City was a real upscaled hospital. Cracked me up that they served Wolfgang Puck food and had waiters bring you food. They even served Peets coffee and for those who do not know Peets...it originated up in the SF bay area and I have it shipped here I like it so much. So when they had this coffee at the hospital and made it strong...I was happy camper along with my pain pump LOL

I really hope that this is the last of surgeries. It has really worn me down over these nearly 2 years that I have been going through it. I hope to have my body cooperate and just get on with life.

This was me the day before surgery...

 

 

 

 

Be good to yourselves people and know that your body is a temple and should be treated that way!

PEACE OUT!!

4/22/06

Well 11 days out from this last round of surgery and I am finally starting to feel a bit better. I have had a tremendous amount of pain in my breast area and I assume it is because of the tissue being connected to my ribs. OUCH is all I can say!

I have gone over in my head so many times while I have been laying around recouperating of how angry and sad I am that obesity brought me to this place. Partly I feel like I had no control over it and the other part is just being honest and knowing that I shoved my face full of food to mask the saddness, loneliness, anger whatever I was feeling with food.

I know today that this is not an option for me, but nevertheless I still think of those days. Gratefully enough, I am able to work with what I have meaning I make smarter choices because I cannot stand the chance of gaining because of what I have put my body through. It keeps me real honest.

I know others have had their tt's and breast done...but I really know no one personally who has gone to the lengths I have gone to to reconstruct my body. I am not saying I am better than anyone either. I am saying that my body was that screwed up and I was not going to just live with having my body unbalanced. I did not want to have to keep looking in the mirror and criticize myself anymore than I already have in my life.

I also know how fortunate that I have been to have this really great doctor.....Dr.Katzen who not only knows his stuff, but listened to me. It is almost like he is able to go into your head via his hands and make you this person you want to be. I am so utterly grateful to him and attribute a lot of my sanity to him....of course I have probably drove him a little insane trying to get it right too LOL.

I also know that I am fortunate to have good insurance and a husband who is wiling to pick up the slack emotionally and finacially. He got to a point where he knew how important this was to me and made it a priority too. He was always happy with me...hell he married me at 360 pds.....and I joke with him now and say hey you got yourself a trophy wife now...he replies and says...you have always been my trophy....now how could you help not loving a guy like that? This last surgery....well I am wearing my trip to Cabo for spring break! LOL

So when I think about eating for something other than what my body really needs....I get a reality check...a twinge here and a twinge there....not being able to move freely...whatever....I know that I must be vigilant of what goes in my body.

PEACE OUT!!!

6-10-06

Well tomorrow is my 2month mark from my last round of reconstructive surgery. I am still sore somewhat and I still have some places where I have skin peeling, but over all I think I am doing pretty good and look pretty good. I went to the prom dance at the middle school I teach at and here is how I looked....and I even danced with the kids and had some fun!!!

 

 

 

 

Not bad for being 52 years old next month and also 4 years next month since I had wls!!! Life seems to be good!!!! :-)

7/10/06

At What Price?

Today marks my 4 year anniversary from wls. I keep asking myself over and over again lately at what price did I pay for being obese?

I say this because in the last 4 years it has been at times a very difficult time in my life. It has not been difficult getting healthy, but when I think back at all the different stages I have gone through to sit here today and write this, well I become very overwhelmed.

Intially when I had my surgery or even comtemplated it, I went into it with the assumption of ridding the fat from my body and becoming healthy. I know I had unrealistic expectations....one was waking up from surgery and already being skinny!! Now how funny is that?
I also remember thinking in my own weird way that I would go back to what I looked like when I was not obese. I was sorely disappointed about that one too.
I was also disappointed that I could not measure up to others here. I was told over and over again and read over and over again not to compare myself to others. Most of the time I could stay in that reality, but when I constantly read that someone had dumped 100 pounds in a matter of months and someone was wearing a 4 or 6, it was not hard for me to look at myself as a faliure.

So I ask myself what price did I pay to get to where I am today. Well I paid dearly not only physically, but also monetary too. I have put myself at risk over and over again to achieve a body that is normal to me. I hate and I am being really honest that I will never be in the single digits of clothes. As my dear husband says to me....Janine....your pelvis is never going to be less than a 12. I have to get use to the idea that yes Janine you are a trim big girl.

I have paid the price emotional like all of us have in one form or another. I can walk through the mall, streets...wherever and fit in....and really shock the hell out of people when I tell them after they compliment me that yes I use to be a woman who weighed 385 pds. However, they cannot see all the emotional and physical scars that I have from being that person.

Am I a fat person still in my head? No not really. I do know that I am acutely aware of how I look on a daily basis and I am acutely aware that I want to look my best each day. I can even go as far to say that I am sometimes even more self conscious than I ever was when I was MO. Strange eh? This was not to say that I was in denial about being MO...I had an attitude of thumbing my nose to the world...love me as I am or don't love me at all.

Today I love how much I can move my body and exercising like a maniac sometimes. I love that I can walk away from the food. I love how much I am able to make conscious decisions and not meader mindlessly about what I do. I love that I can walk into any store and wear really cool clothes off the racks...and more so find that my size is pretty average because it is my size that is usually the least in supply. There are plenty of those single digits hanging there. I love the way I take care of myself even better than I did when I was MO.

I love myself a lot, but I did pay a huge price emotionally and physically with all the reconstructive surgery. Without a doubt I would never trade any of it to be honest with all of you because it is what molded me into the person I have become today. By becoming honest with my food, I became honest with my life.

Being in the space I am today in my life has opened the doors to me like no other time. This past year I was able to go back to school and obtain a new credential to teach art full time under the new laws. I would have never done something like that if I had been MO because I would have said that my talent was not valid because......I was MO. You see every failure I felt before WLS was in my mind because I was MO. Silly I know, but our minds work in really weird ways. We can justify anything right? And that type of behavior is what got us MO right?

WLS opened up a life of not being obese. I had up until I had the surgery lived an entire adult life of being obese. I was 10 days shy of turning 48 and now I am 10 days shy of being 52. WLS gave me my health back.

Reconstructive surgery in the last 2 years gave me my confidence back. People ask me how I could have done all the surgery I have done. I ask myself that sometimes too because I was one of the people who said no I would never do anything like that. Well having the reconstructive surgery got me out of not being so down on my appearence. It gave me a lap back, it gave me a chest that I could be proud of and I am not taking size...I am saying that I never had normal developed breasts. I just know it was all worth it looking back and still when I am in pain.

There is so much tied to all of what we do....and that is why I say at what price did I pay for all of this? Looking back I wonder how much food was the enemy or was it just me being the enemy against myself? Why was I so intent on hurting myself so badly like I did. I wore that hurt on my body for everyone to see. Honestly today I know what hurt me so bad to hide myself. I wanted to be invisable, but instead I made myself a spectacule in a society where thin is in.

Today I eat to live and not live to eat. Oh yeah and I did pay a price, but I learned to love me.

 

 

 

 

PEACE OUT!!!

 

 

Photos