Getting Back on Track

Jan 24, 2012

Today I grabbed a cup of hot herbal tea versus my usual sugar free decaff swiss mocha. It is my way of reminding myself I need to heal instead of indulge. I am not quite sure what that means but I want to explore learning this. I believe I see food as a cure all or maybe something I deserve when things go wrong in my life. I don't believe I have ever thought about using food to help heal my mind and my body. I do know my body felt much better when I ate a healthier diet and has not felt great since I went back to the sugary carbs. I am mindful with each sip of tea, the warmth it is putting inside my body, how it is soothing my sore throat and nasal congestion. I am hoping it will help me to get rid of my headache.
 I plan to have a protein bar or drink in an hour and I have a greek yogurt in the fridge that I can eat for a snack. I need to put together a shopping list and go to the grocery store. One step forward...going to keep looking forward.


1 Year Ago Today

Feb 10, 2010

My life has changed so much in the past year. I have lost a total of 151 pounds (including my pre-surgery weight loss). That is an entire adult person with a somewhat normal BMI depending on their height of course. WOW!

It is interesting the changes you go through mentally. I was thinking about the person I lost and for the first time I truly saw how empty and eaten up with sadness she was. I am so sorry that she carried over 200 pounds of guilt, pain and sadness for so many years. No one should be stuck in that place, no one should be left there for that many years. No one should live in such darkness.

I see now that I used all those layers of fat to insulate myself away from losing people. It hurt me to lose my son, my mother, and my sister. It hurt me that I couldn't keep my marriage intact during my son's illness. I felt like such a failure, truth is I actually felt defective and unworthy of love. I shut my husband out because all I could do was focus on my son. He left me because I was isolated away from everything because I knew my son would die and I didn't have a clue how I would live. I ate  the guilt of being a failure as a mother and a wife for over 30 years! It made me feel so guilty the thought of enjoying life when my son could not so I ate. 

I felt guilty when my mom and sister died, I was in the car and I lived. I walked away with only a few scrapes and bruises. They both died horribly. Year after year I silently questioned myself, "why didn't you just grab Sherry's hand?" I did not because I was afraid. The noise of the metal being ripped away from the car was so loud and alien. The car was spinning and all I could do was close my eyes and wrap my arms across my chest and pray for the car to stop. I clung to myself, I didn't reach out because I was afraid. I am sorry sister, I could not save you.  Today I realize I wanted to live too! I paid 25 years of my life out for the guilt of living after surviving a car accident I didn't even cause.

Today I no longer see myself as the perpetrator of some horrible crime like living. I actually laugh at the stupidity of such a thought.  I have said my apologizes as well as my goodbyes to those I lost, I have forgiven myself for things I had no control over. I understand I miss these people who were such a vital part of my existence and I don't have to hide from life to do this. I believe I am normal and important. I have a right to live my life joyously and without guilt or feelings of overwhelming inadequacy. I am human after all and allowed to make many mistakes and to move forward.  

I am no longer a slave to food although it does try to call me back. I am much stronger and am learning to say "no I don't need you, I am okay being exposed to life." I am learning to cope with emotions. This has not been an easy year but it is one of my richer years. I am hopeful for a much brighter, fulfilling life. 


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Mushy vs dense protein

Aug 18, 2009

My hunger is waking up. Talked with the Nut. After reviewing my food journals it seems I am eating way to many soft foods such as cheese and refried beans. I love those foods! I need to add in denser proteins fish, chicken, pork, beef. I don't love those foods!
I need to cook meats in crock pot or bake meats in little aluminum foil pouches. Add low cal, low fat sauces for moistness. Hey how I am to know that meat is tougher when it is boiled quickly. I just know that tough, extra chewy meat=Pain and the eventual foamies and vomiting. So I am going to get some low carb and weight loss surgery cookbooks and learn the art of cooking meat that I will be able to eat.

I never said I was a cook but I did claim to be the Queen of Fast Food before surgery.

6 months out

Aug 10, 2009

I am down 124 pounds (including my pre surgery weight loss) since I began my life change.  Can't wait to see what weight I will end up. I can fit into most size large tops and size 14 pants. I wear a size 7 1/2 shoe normal width (was an 8 to an 81/2 wide) My blood pressure is normal, my sleep apnea is well worse  but hopeful will get better over time.  I can cross my legs, bend over and touch my hands on the floor, run up a flight of stairs, kayak for 3-4 hours in heavy chop and 2-3 1/2 foot swells and not feel like I will have a heart attack. My feet and back no longer hurt. I can feel bones that I haven't felt for years and parts of my body have emerged that were buried LMAO.  I find each day I learn more and more about myself and my relationship with food. I feel stronger and more in control. I struggle with some overeating and not crossing that fine line between taking one bite to many but that is gettng better. I have not had any pop, caffeine or refined sugar since May 2008 and I feel wonderful.
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WOW's All Around ME

Jun 05, 2009

First I got into an argument with a drunk male at the lake while trying to load kayaks onto my truck. I just had a problem believing I was blocking the driveway area. I mean I guess if you are blocking something a drunk should not be able to pull up next to you and yell (in heavy slur) "your stupid truck is blocking the driveway" Call me stupid but hey he had plenty of room to pull a large truck and boat trailer up next to my car and not hit me or my trailer so WTF. Well needless to say, I was hot and tired because I had (WOW moment #1) kayaked from one side of the lake to the other. I argued with this drunk person. (WOW moment #2) he called me every name in the book except a fat B*tch. WOW WOW WOW. He did drive past my car to get his boat from the lake and got his trailer stuck on a cement divider though.

WOW moment #3 I am now considered OBESE not morbidly obese, not significant obese. I am just plain old obese WAHOOEY!! Dance me a lil jig.

WOW moment #4 Last weekend I gardened for 6 straight hours. Used a sod cutter and cut a 125x 12 foot garden. My sister, nephew and I lifted the heavy sod rolls and filled in a large area of bald areas in my back yard.

WOW moment #5 occurred today I had to tie my shoe. I was standing up so I brought my foot up to my thigh (did I say I was standing up?) and I tied my shoe. Could have died and went to heaven...sigh... life is good

Week 10 post-op

Apr 21, 2009

Well I haven't written anything here for a long time so thought I should. This is an interesting journey to say the least. I have experienced so many emotional and physical changes in 10 weeks I can't even begin to list them all.

As of today I am officially down (drum role please) 90 pounds.

This weekend I discovered the fun of clothes shopping. My oldest nephew Brian is graduating college in May so I need to have something to wear to his graduation so...  I found a cute capris and fell in love. What size to get is the big dilemma  I decided to buy a pair of size 18 and thought "I hope I can fit into these by then".

When I got home I decided to try them on and what an experience. I went through the usual prayer "Please God don't let it pinch my fat or me rip out teh butt seam, and it would also be nice if I could actually get them over my hips." Hesitantly I put them on and WAH LA... they slide over my hips and up to my waist. Snap and zip and they were on. A SIZE 18 non-stretch material pair of pants. I have went down from a snug, stretchy material, pull on jean in a size 28 to a size 18. However, the old saying just because you can doesn't mean you should still applies and with the size 18 pants.

However they will look great with about 10 pounds more off my shrinking humongo butt. I figure by Brian's graduation I will be strutn my stuff in them fancy lil pants!  I have also went from a size 5 x top to an X-lg misses shirt.  Happily I can't blame this size decrease on the "girls" because there wasn't alot to speak of their in the first place. I think I lost a large turkey off my stomach and it feels great.

I am getting in my 60 gm. of protein shakes  and I can now eat up to 1/2 cup of food. Drinking 64 ounces of water is well lets just say I am trying. It is going well with all my vitamins. Next month I can graduate from Fred Flinstones to Bariatric Advantage. I will be glad for that. I do wish that food smelled gross but it doesn't. I am working on head hunger and feel good about where I am at. I have gotten to kayak in my new boat, very fast and I got in and out of it without ending up in the water. It may not have looked pretty but hey you can't ask for everything. I feel happy with my life right now and the candle on the cake is I should have a grandbaby arriving any day now. WAHOO!!!


The Evils of Soy Milk

Mar 12, 2009

I thought I could increase my protein intake by adding soy milk to my protein shakes. It is lactose free, good source of protein, and it didn't taste awful. Well I kept having severe nausea, spasms, pain in the mid-epigastric region that went thru to my back! OHHHH NOOO the gall bladder zone. Pain severe enough I needed to take pain medication couldn't eat and couldn't drink.

I consulted with the Dr. No gall stones thank goodness. Hmmm might be soy milk! So I stopped the soy milk and I feel like a brand new woman. No more nausea, pain or spasms. Iam eating and drinking again. I actually have had energy the past few days. Moral of the story there just is no easy way to get around that protein drink. Tough it out girl.  

I am really excited because in 2 days there is a big canoe and kayak expo. I am in heaven. I am going to go and buy me a sit in kayak.The best part is I will use the money I saved that I used to spend on fast food. WAHOO! This treat will help tke off fat instead of putting it on. 

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Day 22 Post-op

Mar 03, 2009

I feel quiet inside me. It is a reflective time. I keep thinking, okay now what? I think I expected to have this big revelation as to what would make my life perfect and happy. Instead I find myself contemplating all the things that brought me to a surgery that rearranged my insides. I don't regret my decision these thoughts confirm why I needed to do something so life altering to regain who I am as well as to redesign my self to live without food in an unhealthy lifestyle. Those days are now long gone and I couldn't be happier. However, it is hard to change 52 years of eating being the core of my existence. Now I have to search for the me I want to be at the core of my existence. Okay so maybe I am getting bored sitting around here all day and I usually have as many as 28 nursing assistant candidates in a day to occupy my work day thoughts and now it is just me and the dogs. LMAO  contemplation time is good I guess.
I can not wait for spring, being able to get my kayak out onto the water. Peaceful and serene it is a great place for reflection. Feeling the strength in my arms as I move my kayak through the water. I miss the water spray as the boat breaks through the waves. I miss being on the water during these cold months. I need cold weather hobbies.  Need to pull out my glass working supplies.

I am freezing cold. This is a change from the past when I was so warm all the time. I find I put on sweats and have layers of clothes underneath. I move around frequently and I am still freezing cold. I have 3 blankets on my bed.. thank goodness I have bought extras  I keep the house turned up to 74 when no one is here and it is still cold. I am going hate payin that gas bill this month. But I am sooooo... cold.

I am getting in all my protein, love that Pro Complex! The water is iffy at best. I love ricotta cheese and spaghetti sauce SF. I am still on the pureed diet and I do not like pureed salmon.  I am enjoying 30 minutes a day of exercise on my WI fit or walking.

I guess I am doing great. LMAO.

I am grateful that I am able to see myself  and not feel like I need to hide parts of myself from others.
I am grateful that the elastic in the legs of  my underwear are loose now LMAO.
I am grateful for the people who love me and stand by me.
I am grateful for the smile and laughter God places on my face each day.

Life only gets better each day.

Day 14 post-op

Feb 23, 2009

2 weeks since surgery. How quickly time flies! Went to the MD yesterday and lost 8 pounds since surgery. Okay so I was mad LMAO until they told me not to worry. Yeah right. I said, I am a competitive personality and want the big numbers just like all the other newbies out there.   So the Dr. says to me you have actually lost 24 pounds in the past month that is a good loss. So I said 24 pounds in a month  I guess that is okay... Wow I lost 16 pounds with the 2 week liquid diet. Wahoo!!

Life lesson sit back and just enjoy the ride. It is going to happen!

Today I am grateful because I now fit into big girl pants (the ones with zippers) instead of the pull up elastic waist pants.
I am grateful for having a protein powder that is allowing me to get in my 60Gm. a day and it still tastes okay.
I am grateful I am alive and I watched the most beautiful sunrise this morning. The sun is beautiful in her golden majesty.


Day 12 post-op

Feb 21, 2009

Today I feel grateful
I woke up, walked to the bathroom, sleepy eyed and stubbed my toe. The wonderful thing was when I looked down I could see my toes. "Hello little fellows it has been years since I have seen you". Then I realized I not only saw toes I could see the top of my feet. Where the heck did they come from. i kinda took advantage of just knowing they were still attached to my body but I had no real proof of that.
I am grateful I found a protein product that I can drink and tolerate. Today I think clearly and without the brain fog .

I am grateful for my sister who keeps telling me shut up, quit being a baby and let's fix the problem

I am grateful for the support of my friends here on OH. Life doesn't get any better.

Oh and I am grateful for my lil sweet Oreo who is dancing for me right now because he just wants me to love him.

About Me
Surgery Date
Nov 21, 2008
Member Since

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Latest Blog 22