readytobeme2010

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I don't believe in labels. I never give life to the terms "honeymoon stage" or "goal" etc. What I do choose to give life to is the fact that I am an entirely differently person.  Personality wise, I am the same. I loved who I was prior to surgery and now having over 100lbs lost, I just feel better in my skin being who I already was.  

I am in school to become a Clinical Psychologist. However, on top of my normal schooling, I also underwent vigorious training consisting of over 500hrs of learning joined with ongoing clinical hours as a Prof. Hypnotherapist.  This has changed my whole world including my way of thinking about the power our mind possesses to heal, give and receive energy and to live life to an even higher state of awareness.

I have opened my own private practice as a Hypnotherapist.  I already have clients and it is growing.  I know with the understanding and power I have through self awareness, my thoughts creating my reality and how to alter undesired areas of my life into productive positive avenues, my weight will never be regained.  I have a different focus, different respect for my physical body than I ever had previously before becoming a Hypnotherapist and now learning Energy Healing.  I love my body as it is connected to my soul/spirit and I act and move within that premise.  

I plan to author books this year and I am already being scheduled for public speaking events.  

I might be strange, I can't say my confidence is "higher" than pre-op because I have always had a high sense of self confidence.  That was an area of my life I worked on years ago.  WHAT I CAN SAY is I am now "free to move about" as the commercial says.  I love doing things I never enjoyed much before without being exhausted.  I am no longer pre-diabetic.  I now CAN NOT find clothes that fit me because everything just seems to be TOO SMALL.  I am now a size 5 or 7 depending on the style or what it is.  

I just got engaged this past weekend to the love of my life.  We will be married October 13th of this year.  I am so excited. I have never been proposed to, engaged or had the fun of planning a wedding.  Yes I was married prior for 16 years but that was NOT a shot gun wedding but it was pretty much not far from an elopement (is that a word lol).  This is just a beautiful new beginning.

All I can say is I turned 40 this past summer and I plan to live my 40's 50's 60's and beyond with a BANG......

Everything about and around this surgery has been an ongoing mental anguishing battle for me.  Needless to say, I promised that my next blog would be on a good day and not a bad one.

So during my 1.5mi walk this morning (YEP that is what I do everyday for exercise, doesn't sound like much but it's a hell of alot more than I used to do which was NOTHING FURTHER THAN MY FRONT SIDEWALK) I said to myself, you know, life is SO short, I have to own every conscious moment and every choice I make. For instance, I am choosing at this moment to spend my time by walking, this is MY CHOICE, I own it and anything that goes along with it. 

So as I was into my walk I was asking myself, why am I in such a rush to loose the weight?  Why am I so consumed with wanting the "thin angela" now? What is driving me? Or better yet, driving me nuts? Why can't I slow down and actually enjoy the journey to a better, healthier me? 

As I continued, I began to dig even deeper.......I needed to get to the root of this and turn my attitude around.

What I realized so far is this....I need to understand that I am "ok" exactly where I am today.  I will never have this day to live over and it is not worth the energy expelled in being angry I am not getting my way RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.....whether I am what society considers "thin" or whether I am at 221 like I am today, this has ZERO effect on who I am as a person. Who I am inside is beautiful.  People love me, I love to be around people. I have wonderful children who need a mom who sees the positive in life and not dwelling on the negative.  

Our words have power. If I spend my time complaining, what signal am I sending out to those around me? and better yet WHO THE HELL wants to be around someone who is down all the time? By nature I am a very optimistic person. I always see the glass half full in everything else in life so why not have the same outlook on my WLS?

I have the opportunity TODAY to be a positive person, to do something that will bring good into this world, to make a difference. THE CHOICE IS MINE....

We may be guaranteed ALOT of things in life, but tomorrow is never one of them!!

So while our "outside" is improving day by day, lets love ourselves, respect ourselves SO much to ENJOY and LOVE the very moment of life you are living right now.

Even though the weight is coming down ever so SLOWLY I have come to realize that this has truly been a Love / Hate relationship.

What do I love:

Well my clothes are loose
I see weight off my face and actually my legs
I do have more energy and not so tired anymore
Dreaming of the possibilities when I AM at goal
hearing people say I look great!
Feeling like "part" of my confidence is coming back

What I Hate:
When I CRAVE carbs which is ALL THE TIME...I want biscuits and gravy, I want spaghetti, I want Rice you name it
Going out to eat and seeing how very limited my selections are
The HEAD games, will I ever get to goal? Will I ever even see Onederland!!!!
Worried about having regain when I am done loosing
Wondering constantly if I have stretched my pouch
Knowing I can get in MUCH more food than most people post they can and I don't get it


I could go on but you get the point yes???? But like everything in life there is pro's and cons, this surgery is absolutely no exception whatsoever. 

So today is one of those down days. Yesterday I had a bottomless pouch day. NOT FUN....I took in 1436 calories OH MY LORD but one thing I can say is NONE of it was "junk" it was high protein low carb/fat foods. I just seemed starving all day.

I do not have a "full" feeling yet I DO HAVE a hungry one......both head and physically.....so go figure....

Well this is where I am today I am going to vow on my next "good" day I am going to blog because it seems I blog when I am having my worst!!!

Ok so here I am 3 weeks out, damn scale hasn't budged, moved NOTHING. I have been logging EVERY breathe of the day just about, even adding my calories I average anywhere from 7-900 calories a day MOST or at least a third is from the stupid protein drink they are RIDICULOUSLY high in calories and the rest from food I am taking my vitamins religously, I walk everyday with increase amounts I am now at 1.5 miles.

SO WHAT GIVES....am I destined to just REMAIN 233 for freakin LIFE???? This is just ridiculous. Other people loose 20lbs their first month. Well let's see next week is one month and what????I am going to loose 20lbs in ONE week...

I could have lost THIS SLOW with just dieting and exercise. This is amazing to me. What the heck was I all cut up for and rerouted????

This is NOT what I dreamed. I know stahls are normal and yes they can happen but how about at 3 or 4 MONTHS OUT why NOW????

UGH UGH UGH UGH

Wow, as I sit here I ponder my life to come. I saw my doc for first consultation and 4 weeks later I am through all my Pre-Op
I had to have:

Visit with Psych
Cardiologist
Pulmonologist
2 support meetings
Meal Planning
Visit with Dietician
Chest Xray
EGD
Ultra sound of my heart
EKG
Clearance from my family physician

Yesterday I got my surgery date for Feb 17th...

I am on such a high from it wow.

My Pre-op final appointment with Dr. Peters is Feb 2

I have to loose 5lbs according to my insurance. I can't believe I am struggling so much with this. It keeps going through my head. Sometimes I feel like I am self fulfilling my demise. I have about one week till I see the doc so next week I will protein shake it and eat one small salad or protein rich lunch a day. SEE this is the only freaking way I loose weight, is to starve and I hate it so much. One of my reasons for having surgery.

I am super excited and not nervous about the surgery at all. I have full confidence I will come through this with flying colors.

I am very ready for a new physical me!!