Rita T.

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I'm really going to go into surgery in 12 days… I half can't believe after all this time it winds down to just a couple of days. I wanted this for such a long time and now that's its hear I'm not quite sure what to do about it outside of fidget. One of the girls on the main board put it best as describing this time as the "2week freak". I am definitely freaking out and I am scared. I'm not worried about the pain after surgery but more so if I can go without eating solids for 5 weeks if not more. I'm scared to death that like all of my other dieting attempts I am going to let myself down yet again and fail on this one too.
 
I keep rolling it over in my head am I ready for this am I going to be able to do this the right way without complications without hurting myself or the people I love around me.
 
Of course there is the excited side of me as well (especially when I go clothes shopping) that is just screaming to start shopping in the tiny section! To be able to wear cute high heels to be able to wear a g-string and not think it look like the string on the Easter ham.
 
I'm worried about work too. They don't know I am having this surgery and I am pretty concerned that they are going to find out after I start dropping weight like a champ. Not to mention the fact they will no longer see me eating solid food for a while AND when I do get on solid food I am just going to be eating a tiny portion of it. Hopefully I don't believe there are too many people that actually watch me eat, or what I am eating. My mom says if they say anything to tell them I got the surgery before I got there. Sadly I like this job and I don't want to lie to them but I don't think I have a choice.
 
I can't wait for this damn surgery and every time I think about my heart starts pounding because I'm so scared. I don't normally get scared about anything in my life but this THIS is different. My whole life can change with this surgery and hopefully it will be all for the better. Just 12 more days… just 12 more and the tomorrow 11 more…

OKay so real quick on what has happened in like 2-3 months:

I got fired!

I had to cancel surgery!

I was out of work for three weeks and spent all the money I saved for surgery!

I got a new job!

Then i got another job offer!

I took the second job offer!

I am there now and happy!

I rescheduled surgery which is now ONLY 17 days away till I leave for Michigan.

I am sure to keep my job after the surgery.

So yeah that was an insane past couple of months. Oh and did I mention I got into a car accident the day before my college graduation? I did! the car is totaled and I am the owner of an '08 Toyota Yaris (the 3 door one).

And then... then I graduated! I double majored and it took me 5 years becuase in the mean time I worked full time but yeah I did it! FINALLY!

So now I am super close to surgery and my brain is freaking out. Am I ready am I going to be okay with never eating certain foods again is my body going to look disgusting with extra skin? is my boyfreind still going to love me and the way I look? will my mom finally be happy? will I be happy?

So yeah totally freaking out. it'll be okay.... I hope. For those of you reading this I jsut created a new myspace page http://www.myspace.com/shrinkinglamb

Oh more news I actually gained weight from all the crap that was going on in thsoe 2 months or so. And now I am having a really hard time losing it. My water intake is MUCH better.

Oh and geoff and I are moving! yeay. fun part is itxs after the surgery so I will be not lifting SHIT! and that is no joke. I am trying to do my part before the surgery by packing and cleaning.

So it looks like I might have changed my mind again. I am now thinkign about getting the sleeve. I really don't know anymore. I have 66 days to make up my mind, there might be complications, I might not have money to pay for it and just yeah... loads of fun up ahead!

My mind is in a million places, I don't know if the diet is very different or what. Yes of course I can find out in time for surgery. I couldhave a rivision if i ned up gain ing the weight back but I don't want to have a rivision. I should probably do what my surgeon suggests though. 

Me trying to get down to 250 before surgery is not working... I stopped eating mcdonalds and I am drinking a low sugar high protein shake for breakfast to get ready for surgery I have soup for lunch but then I end up cheating b eating a king size snicklers or some other chocoaltes. 

So yeah still addicted to choclate and STILL not losing weight, not gaining which is great but yeah... not happy... I really wanted to get down to 250. Hopefully with the little over two months I have I cna get down in that time. I really need to work out more but work has been crazy lately working betwen the normal 8-the crazy 12 hours. plus the hour commute and I don't want to do crap when I get home... 

BAH! things are not going the way I planned at all...

Woot I got my magic bullet today!!! NO not the sex toy! The super blendy thingy. I got my $25 gift card from mypoints.com and just apid cash for the rest. YEAY!

Now its time to start figuring out what kind of foods will be tasty blended and what foods are going to suck major ass.

I also bought advantage protein shakes (the strawberry kind) and I'll see if they are any good tomorrow morning. So far I can tolerate the slimfast carb diet chocolate ones. They have to be super cold though.

I also found out that scallops are super low in fat carbs and have no sugar BUT have 23 freaking grams of protein. I think I am going to be eating a lot of scallops after surgery. All the better though I guess.

*sigh*

ALSO! My doc was totally awesome and took the money for the surgery from my financing comapny even tough he will have to pay a fee which is no biggie sine that fee will be taken out of the total amount I owe him which is fine by me. THANK GOD! I was so scared for a minute that it wasn't going to happen. I now just have to make sure I stop spending any more of my money and keep super saving. I almost have a grand saved up for the flight. My mom will probably be sending me the 6,000 sometime soon (I hope).

Then when I get to the hospital I just pay them. There is only ONE more obstacle in my way now, just ONE and that is getting signed off from a Primary Care Practitioner that I can have this surgery. If she doesn't do it after the tests I have a back up. I don't go to get the test until the week after next. So I will be holding my breath until then. The best I can hope for is I will show up at my initial visit I tell them what I want they give me some tests they show up clear and the doc gives me the letter of recommendation. OR just meet for the initial visit come back like one more time for all the tests an THEN give me the letter. Just as long as I get the letter in time I will be happy.

So I am having a lot of trouble loosing this weight before surgery. My goal is to get down to at least 250 (I'm 262.4 right now) that doesn't seem too outrageous of a mark but I guess with sweets here and there its really not helping. I have completely cut out McDonalds from my breakfast venture GOOD BYE FOREVER Mc-give me indigestion! I started taking a slim fast shake in teh morning wiht me on the ride to work the carb one which has few carbs tons of protein and only one gram of sugar WOOT! The whole working out thing is where my down fall has been. I have been going out to the mall and what not on the weekends or even the flea market but thats not enough. I wanted to work out 3 times a week with walking and it really has NOT been happening. My boyfriend is back in Aikido (a martial art) and he has dropped 3 pounds already... stupid boys and their super easy way to lose weight :( Oh well at least when i get this surgery we will both be super thin and healthy. So yeah... not been so good with the weight loss, it is coming down (I think my highest was like 265) and unlike all the other times I dieted I am not straving myuself or taking pills. Its lunch time right now and my tummy is all grumble grumble. 

I'm trying not to buy lunch from downstairs cause GEEZ is it expensive for Sh**y food. I've started bringing a can of soup with me hoping that will quench my apetite and it does till about 5-6pm and then i am jsut super hungry again.... Hopefully my tummy will shrink and my body will get used to it. 

Oh and the gain part of this.. My credit score jumped over 50 points this month WOOT! Okay thats all...

So for whatever reason I am stressing (from work) and All I want to do right now is eat some chocolate becuase it will make me feel better... I have to realize that I can;t do that after surgeyr so ia m trying my damndest not to think about it.... though its really not easy... 

On a more positive note I am going to a PCP (primary Care physician) on the 7th. I am really hoping she will give the OK for getting the surgery and in due time. I'll have insurance to pay for the majority of the tests but yeah... I really just want to go in there and be like here you go! take this paper don;t look at it sign it and let me be on my merry way... see... I'm fat! yeay I need surgery! As if that will ever happen....

OKay so we are officially out of the hundred range for days until surgery. i am uber happy and my evaluation at work is today too. I have an A+ in all of my classes and things seem to be going my way for a while. Hopefully this will keep up. I have a ton of homework to do tonight but oh well thats what I get for procrastinating.

My next big mark will be when I hit 50 days. My pre-Op dieting seems to be going pretty well too. I still have some sweet stuff here and there but no McDonalds for the past 5 days so WOOT for me! and i started taking the low carb slimfast stuff thats low in sugar so hopefully that will help with me taking a protein shake once a day when surgery comes. I'm just not too crazy about the flavor but oh well, I'll live. 

99 DAYS!!!!

So I haven't had a chance to share this with you but here goes. Every
day that I get up in the morning I feel like I've gained weight. I
mean literally EVERY DAY. I almost took out the scale this morning
just to prove to myself i was right but I had to run and go to work.
Needless to say, I'm sure, that doesn't exactly make me feel good...

I think that because I know I am getting this surgery I have been
letting myself go and eating more. Problem with that is that I am
supposed to try and lose some weight before surgery NOT gain! Not only
that but statistically the higher weight you are the less skinny you
will get. ... Basically I have been looking at the pictures on the
site I keep telling you to look at but you don't and under the
pictures it will usually say the person's before and after weight.
Well anyone who weighs as much as me only seems to get down to like
150, of course I will look great and feel great at that weight BUT I
don't want to be 150, its still considered overwight for my height.
Not only that but I honestly can;t remember ever geing under 150. I
have a couple of goals with this surgery... okay really I have like a
million of them but I'm just going to list some for you here. This way
you can take this email and rub it in my face as much as you want
after I have reached my goal. so here goes:

Weigh under 200 pounds (hopefully before Chirstmas)
weigh under 150 punds
BE 125 pounds (my personal goal weight which may or amy not happen, if
not no biggie, just as long as I am close)
Go to the beach and be comfortable
wear a single digit pants size (this is normal for women so no
worries, guy sizes are different)
shop in a non-plus sized store/ non-plus size section of the store
run a mile without stopping
wear super high pointy heels
wear non-plus size knee high boots
fit into a pair of size 20 jeans I bought in New York when I visited
my mom (I was almost 200 pounds then)
Wear my sz 16 homecoming dress sitting in the closet... wear ANY
homecoming dress thats sitting in the closet!
wear teeny tiny shorts and be comfortable
not have my stomack flap over the front of my pants
do not have back problems

Okay so I can probably keep going on for AGES but my whole point of
this email is that I need to start eating better starting TODAY! I
just ran out of my tea that I normally drink so I want to go to sams
and buy a pack of drinks that do not have sugar so my body cna get
used to it. I am also only going to order a half a sammich and yogurt
(cause yogurt is good for you and uber yummy) I WILL NOT havbe hot
cocoa or anything else freaking chocolate. I will keep with not
drinking while eating and try to keep in mind to chew my damn food
(please yell at me for not doing this at home, especially when I am
already hungyr because thats when i normally start to wolf things down
my throat and it shouldn't be an excuse now and it can't be an excuse
after surgery. NO MORE PIZZA/ICE CREAM/COOKIES!!! NO NO NO! if you
want that stuff you go get it! and DO NOT tell/ask me about it. And of
course NO SODA! Once again you are not on this diet or having surgery
so feel free to eat this stuff while I am not around just don;t tell
me about it.

I will keep taking my vitamins like I have been and try my damndest to
stop going to f-ing mcdonalds in the morning (that one will be hard).
Sadly one of the main reasons I try and wake up on time lately is just
so i can go through the drive through in time to still make it to
work.

So there... nice long email for you to read...

I love you sweety, try and keep me on task please, I know I am difficult!

I got my Valentines day gift early from my boyfriend. Its a gorgeous ring with three stones up top and three tiny ones on each side of the band. Its from Helzberg Diamonds.

I was kind of expecting him to ask me to marry him but he didn't. I just stood there staring at the ring inthe box and crying and hugging him and I just kept holding it thinking he'll take it out or something. Then I asked him ifhe would putit on and he did... still nothing... so then I did something I knew i shouldn't have which was ask "Are you sure you don't want to ask me anything" and he jsut got quiet... so i quickly shut up and said it was okay and that I rather he be ready and ask me then feel pressured into it. It is SUCH a gorgeous ring though! I mean just DAMN!

I think I need to put it on a different finger though cause people keep telling congratulations and its like... no... he didn't ask and they are like oh its just a ring and I say yeah, he'll ask when he is ready I guess.

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