Rita T.

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ihaveadateihaveadate!!!! I HAVE A DATE!!!!!

I will be going under the knife on May 22nd. I have a consultation on the 21st. My doc. Is dr. Pleatman in  Michigan. OMG!!!!!

Only 115 days to go.... WTF am I going to do all that time?

So I made the call... 

I am trying to get mysurgery scheduled for the 21st of May, technically it'll be the 22nd but my consultation is the 21st... now I am just waiting to hear back from the people at the hospital in Michigan.... I am super nervous... but I'm almost one step closer....

So i told my boss that I am planning on taking time off in may, maybe two weeks maybe one. Depending onhow quickly I heal. SO! It will be a fun little ride until May. I am going to have my surgery (hopefully) around memorial day. Talk about a memory making day for me! 

So yeah time needs to super fly! Febuary even has an extra day in it

In the mean time I need to start saving some UBER serious money. My stuff on ebay is selling nicely but damn it I want to make even more money! I'm just worried about the complications that might happen. I can't really afford to get extra surgery but I guess they could always bill me at a later date. 

I am soooo ready for this! I still need to find a damn PCP. I got the name of one lady so hopefully she will be in my network when I get insurance.

OMG I WANT TO BE THIN!!!!

he he he....

don't mind the small out bursts. i am so ready to have this surgery!!!! i don;t even have to put down a deposit for it or nothing!. I just need to save until i graduate in May and then BOOM off I go to get my lap. RNY. 

Problem now is the waiting... first I thought I would have to wait like 10 months before I could save up enough money to have the surgery, now I find out I only have to wait 4 months...techncally 3.5 months... OH MY GOD!!!! 

This is actually going to happen, everyday I come a little closer to it happening my brain explodes a little I think. All I can think about is going up to anyone who has ever looked at me in disgust for being fat in a string bikini (low rise!) and be like yeah! F-YOU! A-HOLE! oooh god I want to see every ex-boyfriend I have ever had and prance around them and be like nah nah nah nah nah this is what you COULD have had but now its too late and your are married/single/divorced with child payments HA HA HA HA serves you right!!!!

I swear i am going to wear some of the tightest most revealing outfits I can find!!!....

Okay so I knwo I am probably sounding a little crazy but I can't help it! I can't wait to be skinny and to be able to run skip jump wear anything and everything I can lay my hands on! go to teh beach, get a belly button ring. I know there is going to be loose skin thats fine! i will more than likley get a tummy tuck if not a body tuck in the end and I am soooooo okay with that. I am totally okay at the fact I am going to need a breast reduction/lift. In fact I can;t wait till I need one! (okay so really I need a breast reduction now casue my back kills me evry day but oh well). 

Oha nd my god, I even heard you could be slightly taller ebcause the weight compresses your spine! Oh and i will be wearing smaller shoe sizes and you better believe i will be wearing some stilethos (or however you spell that). I can wear normal size panty hose and go shopping for bras at victoria secret. I don;t care hoe much pain I am going to be in it will ALL be worth it!!!!

OMG I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

So I found a doctor in michigan for  decent price and WOOOO my mom said she would give me $6000 towards my surgery. so yeah WOOOO only like another $2,500 or so to go!!! and this will officially be my graduation gift to myself and from my mom. 

So yeah in May I will be having surgery EEEEEE!!!!! I just hope I cna get the time off from work!!! Its hard to get time off at where I work right now so hopefully they will give it to me its going to be medical leave so uh yeah... they have to give it to me right? or I sue? or soemthing like that. I am not even sure if its considered medical leave if its bariatric surgery. Or voluntary or whatever. 


oh god I sooo cannot wait!!!!

I am having such a rush of multiple emotions. (doesn't help I'm on the rag ). I have a friend on here who does roller derby and now I all of a sudden want to join but i don't know if I should joiun right now with School going on and what if I don't make th team and then i will have surgery and I don't want to miss practise because thats not fair to the team. I also haven't roller skated in ages which doesn't help. So yeah... no idea... 

I know I don't want to get the surgery until after i graduate this semester (thats a definite). I may not be able to get it till novemebr or december because I won;t have the money. It all just so much to deal with right now. 

I already missed turning in one assginment for class andI felt like such a dummy for not realizing it was due. I tried tomake up for it by making multiple posts to other peopel's entries and hopefully that will get me a little extra credit to cover my a**. 

I keep thinking that my boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him on Valentines day but now I am not so sure and he was talking about a promise ring and i had to open my big mouth and be like "WTF is that?" I was also thinking in my head but managed to keep it to myself not to say well i have some colorfulo string in the closet why don;t you make me a friendship bracelet while you are at it... yeah I'm a big fat jerk and now I don't think he'll be asking to marry him after all which sucks . But then again thats what I get for getting my hopes up. Now I'm probably going to get some earings or bracelt or something... yeah I know I'll be happy with it no matter what he gets me but damn it I was really hoping for that engagement ring. *sigh* He said at some point in the conversation "I'm too selfish to spend that much on jewlery" and I was about ready to blow my top at that point but didn't. I didn't say anything... I just gave him a hug and sighed.

School is just too much to deal with along withmy wake upa t 6am don't get home til 7pm bit at work is really not working for me either. Well I mean it works but its hard to keep up with school and to just add one mroe thing would probably be nuts.

Okay so... I decided (for now) that I am going to get the Lap RNY done in MexiCali Mexico With Dr. Aceves. The cost of the surgery is 12, 500. I have a little over 400 saved up and 5,500 from financial solutions. If I can save $700 a month I will have enoughmoney in 10 months to get the surgery. I also asked my mom to take out some money and maybe if she gets aproved I can have the surgery even sooner. My plan is for her to go through Med Financial also and hopefully pay for the other half of my surgery. The thing is I am not sure if thats allowed. I'm not sure if she can take out a medical loan and use it for me, or if she can only use it for herself. So we'll see not to mention I am not sure if she will go for this at all. 

I'm so worried about getting my hopes up! I'm half doubting myself now if i am even ready ot have the surgery. Two weeks ago I was plenty ready, now?.. who knows.... I know no matter what I need to focus on school right now to make sure I pass this semester but damn is it hard to do that when Ihave so much other stuff going on.

So I don't think I can write much right now because I'm at work and I don't want to get emotional BUT... here is a letter I wrote to my mom which pretty much sums up how I feel:

So with the surgery not happening for another 5 years (I averaged it out and if I save $400 a month it will take me 5 years to get the money to have surgery), what should I do in the mean time? I just keep gaining weight slowly but surely and I'm really sick of dieting or taking pills. I'm working more then ever and going to school so trying to find time to go the gym is almost a joke.
 
So what do I do in the mean time? I really don't want to be 300 pounds.
 
I feel like this surgery is my last hope in ever losing weight. The thing is that statement alone feels like I'm giving up and I don't like to feel like that. I know I'm pretty much a control freak but my weight seems to be the one thing I can't control.
 
So what do I the mean time? Should I start taking pills again? Whats going to happen after I stop taking them? am I going to gain even more weight again?
 
In the mean time I am slowly starting to fall into a severe depression. i don't want to go to work, I don't want to study, forget about having a sex life, I don't want to socialize, I just want to crawl into a cave and cry and just die there fat and alone. So yeah... not the happiest of thoughts going through my head. I talked to a couple of my friends and they all tell me that I just need to eat less or exersize, or eat this or that and to just "be strong" and if I hear one more person tell me how strong I am and to "be strong" I'm going to either scream or throw up all over them.
 
So what do I do? Do I just ignore all of this until I saved up enough for the surgery? Just keep buying bigger and bigger clothes, ignore how uncomfortable I am in my own skin? What?
 
I really don't know what to do anymore. I was ready to have this surgery, that was my new years resolution. To get the surgery and be healthy for the rest of my life. Well that new years resolution went right out the window before even half of the month of Januray was over. You know I don't mind working hard, I don't mind it all. i am completly okay with having to work 12 hours a day if it means there are going to be some sort of results at the end. Well i have been workng pretty damn hard for a couple of years now and I'm getting really tired of nothng happening when I want it to.
 
Let me know if you have any answers for me. Cause I am fresh out at this point.
 
Love you,
Pocok

I called up my insraucne company at work througha  friend's card and they said that Bariatric Surgery is excluded... 

I guess I'm going to get surgery in Mexico... I am so fucking upset right now...

My sales on Ebay recently went well, better then expected, now I just have to make sure I don't do soemthing stupid and spend it. 

I know no matter what I am going to need some extra money if and when this surgery comes. I do two.. make that really three... websites that pay you cash for surverys... okay really its four... two for surveys, one for checking my email when they send it to me and pay me for shopping online, and the last gives me points for gift cards (which i then turn around and sell on ebay for money :-X) so... my plan is to take all of this money and put it in a seperate savings account can't be the one I have now casue i keep dipping into it. 

So my plan today was to open a savings acount with my other bank and they are lame and couldn;t do it online... LAME! L.A.M.E.!!!!

So I guess I might do that this weekend or something.