Brenda C.

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Today, I had my emotions take control of me, which I swear I had that removed during surgery (or was that in a dream).  Anyhow, just to let you know, even someone who strives to stay positive, not let her emotions control her, I have bad days once in awhile.

When I have a bad day, what is the one self sabotaging act I can do?  For those raising their hands, it was rhetorical.  I already know, I used to drown my emotions in food.  After surgery, it isn't going to be easy to revert to old habits due to the limits of my body.   Further out from surgery, I may be able to eat a lot more.  To keep myself "honest," I remind myself,of the old pledge I learned when I was a wee child attending TOPS:

I am an intelligent person, I am in control of my emotions, and will not let my emotions control me. Every time I am tempted to use food to satisfy my frustrated desires, build up my injured ego, or dull my senses, I will remember that although I eat in private, my excess pounds are there for all the World to see (what a fool I’ve been).

This pledge has saved me in the past, and seems to help me stay honest with my eating in the present.  As much as crying makes me feel like I am out of control, by the mere act of repeating the pledge in my head, I know I can make it through this day without causing myself harm - with food/alcohol/shopping - whatever addiction I am working to overcome.  Positivity doesn't just naturally happen, it sometimes has to be worked toward.  Work is good for the mind and body, so this is a positive thing.

When your emotions are telling you to eat, just remind yourself that YOU are an intelligent person, and your emotions do not control you!  Hang in there...

Brenda  : )~

Yeah, I know, I was misleading you folks with the Cheap and Easy, but I am multifaceted...

Not only do I get a lot of my protein powder and meal replacements in bulk - gotta love a deal -  I also LOVE buying Tilapia in individually wrap portions from Costco!  I was eating out with one of my support groups and paid $14 for a piece of Tilapia and a small smattering of potatoes, good lord.  So, after deciding it was a worthy piece of fish flesh, I took my butt down to Costco and bought 12 four ounce portions of Tilapia for just over ten bucks.

Here's where the math comes in: ten divided by twelve equals, $0.83, multiplied by 23 grams of protein, equals one happy consumer!  I have 276 grams of protein for just over ten bucks - oh yeah!!

Lunch consisted of one four ounce fillet of Tilapia, grilled with oil free garlic & herb sauce, and 110 lovely calories - for just under a buck.  Beat that, Value Menu at any Fast Food Restaurant!

If you say, "But Brenda, I hate fish," I would tell you to do the same thing, but with a boneless piece of chicken.  I keep a bag of boneless chicken in my freezer at all times.  Cheap, easy, and if you plan ahead, defrost a piece the day before.  If you buy a bag of individually frozen chicken, you can pull one out at a time.  I stock up when I see it on sale.

Last night I fell victim to asparagus!  I had to have it.  Roasted it in garlic, holy smokes!  Be very careful eating asparagus - it is very fibrous, but if you like it like I do, so worth the extra chewing!  I got mine for $1.47 a pound, Mmmm cheap & good!

The point of this post is, you really can eat well on the cheap, getting all the nutrients you need, just planning ahead and using the kitchens most of us have.  I love using non BPA plastic containers - I make double portions so I can save and reheat the extra, later.  The other point is, you do not have to shop at gourmet, high end grocery stores to get surgery friendly foods.

Brenda  : )~

There has to be few things that can bring such satisfaction as going through clothes, realizing what really does NOT fit, and having to bag it up!  Last night I had the task of going through donated "smaller" clothing, as well as adding my own clothes to the DONATE BAGS.  I had clothes with tags still on them, I would pull them to the side to try on, just to find they were indeed TOO BIG.  I was trying on jeans OVER the ones I was wearing - and they were still too big.

Those of us who have gone up and down in weight for any number of years, have the distinctive Pack Rat mentality I suffer from.  "It's just ten or TWENTY pounds of water weight, I can wear that if I put my mind to it..."  In the closet.  "OH!  I LOVE that (dress, pair of jeans, jacket, SWIMSUIT), I cannot give it away, I just need to lose a few..."  In the closet.  "Oooo, that is gorgeous, but a little small... I'll buy it, keep the tags on, then work on losing weight to fit into it!"  See where this is going?

Just the other day I decided that it was time to go through my stored collection of too small unmentionables!  I, the Pack Rack of the Closet, have a vast selection of lovely things, so continuing to wear ill fitting under garments is a crime!  Nothing like pulling out "old friends," looking forward to when I have to make "new friends."  Away with Granny Panties!

There are about eight women who have been eyeballing my "closet," as I keep threatening to hold a yard sale.  Okay, gloves off, time to get down and dirty, the mass email went out last night, inviting all the women folk to congregate at mi casa, and  share in the spoils of my war, no yard sale needed.  I haven't gotten the strength to give ALL the boxed shoes, yet, but I am making progress.  When the shoes are too big, I know I am doing things right.  Victory, it is what it feels like when you are forced to buy new clothes!

So far in this downsizing journey, I have donated clothing twice.  The upcoming event (and subsequent donation of unwanted goodies) will be my third.  I have come a LONG WAY, BABY! 

Brenda : )~

I am happy & feeling the Buzz Lightyear phrase fits my mood.  It's raining, odd for Seattle, right?  Jeff asked me in bed, if I really wanted to walk today, as he suggested a day off at bedtime.  No day off.  I wanted to get my sneakers on, button my jacket, and get out there and prove the walk I almost gave up on, wasn't going to beat me that easily.

Wondering what could be contributing to the wooziness, I decided not to eat before walking, grab a protein drink (watered down) for the road, and headed out.  I made it past my stopping point yesterday, so turning around for the return trip made me feel a lot better.  I did stop three times on the way back, but it is mostly uphill, so I was happy with my effort.  My recovery time is improving (that is how long it takes to get your heart rate back down), so again, I am happy with the result.

Part of recovery is not to push too hard, just enough to exert more effort then you are used to.  My wound doesn't like the jostling around, so I am sure I need to check my stock of old under garments for tighter fitting drawers!  When I used to do Fat Lady Aerobics (that's what I called them - Women At Large), I wore spandex - one outfit was tiger stripped, I looked like the tiger who ate Little Black Sambo... Now there is an image!  Nothing like a fat tiger pushing 300 pounds, dancing around making butter for the pancakes!  (If you are unfamiliar with the story, I loved it as a child)  I just may still have some of my old tights - when you are fat, you never get rid of something you "might fit back into," telling your boyfriend, "It's just a little water weight!"

I finally invested in exercise bands, and even a jump rope.  The jump rope is possibly a month or more away - not sure if my still tender wound wants to bounce up and down wildly, or that I am coordinated enough!  Man, I hate to realize how out of shape I have let myself go, but at least I am doing something about it.

On the wound, it is close to being closed up!  I have been tending that damn thing since Thanksgiving, and not that I do not appreciate my body's effort to heal, that was one part of surgery I could have skipped.  I still keep wondering if I caused it to split from being (ha ha) too active right after surgery.  I am not very good at sitting still.  Anyhow, I am 99% sure it will be ready for sea water sometime early in February - you know - next week (grin!!!).  I will post some before & after photos in Hawaii - I actually pulled three years worth over, and will be taking my laptop - so I will attempt to post side by side photos.  Soon, I will no longer be Nui Wahine!  Just Wahine, well never JUST anything!  Never give up!  Never surrender!

Brenda  : )~

Bah humbug!  After getting my okay to push my walking, I just started walking daily, adding hills to my exercise routine.  It is raining, strange for Seattle (insert snarky voice here), but I was determined to do my daily walk.  For those who haven't read my blog, I live in the middle of one steep hill (when it snows, it is called "Suicide Hill" and usually closed to all traffic), surrounded by other hills.  Sure, I could drive to my local park, and walk on a flat track, but I am invincible... Or am I?!

Today, I decided that maybe the water I was carrying & drinking was why I was feeling sick to my stomach.  I have been having a scrambled egg or two before my walk.  So I might be leaving too soon after eating, causing the sick to my stomach feeling.  It is drizzly, but not raining hard enough to keep me from walking.   On my first real uphill, I thought I might vomit.  Obviously, I am doing something wrong, so I will figure this out! 

Slowly, I turned, step by step, inch by inch... Yes, Three Stooges left a mark on my memories!  Stopping about every block or two, I made it home.  My boyfriend offered repeatedly to go get the car, but I persevered!  Just remember, when you walk downhill, eventually you will have to walk back uphill.  I kept thinking negatively, "What a loser... WIMP!... Out of shape fatty!... How are you supposed to lose weight if you have to give up from just a walk?!..."  But, through all the negative thoughts, I kept walking.  I started laughing when we were finally up the last hill and back on my street, "The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat!"  I may not have made it as far as I intended on walking, but I didn't completely give up, either.

Dealing with a new "body" after surgery does take some trial and error.  Staying positive will ultimately decide my outcome, so if I have to do things a little differently than I am used to, I will adapt.  Tomorrow, I think I will have a protein shake, wait 20 minutes before the walk, and see if that solves the dizziness & queasy stomach.  Having been benched two months from exercising, has shown me that I am more out of shape than I thought I would be.  That, combined with lower caloric intake, my body needs to adjust.

Never give up, even when that voice in your head is berating you.  Having been an active fat girl most of my life, I expect a lot more out of myself.  Maybe not this week, but maybe next week I will be able to make every hill with ease.  If it takes longer, it will bother me, but I will not let it stop me from getting where I want to be.  Someone asked me the other day what my weight goal was, I responded, "I don't have a number in mind, more of a feeling.  When I am healthy and able to do all the things I love to do, then I will have met my goal."  I really do mean that.  If I weigh what I am supposed to, great.  If I am still considered fat, but am healthy, I am fine with that, too.

Being healthy is why I choose this path.  I gave myself a year to work on my weight before deciding I needed surgical intervention, so I know how to "coach" myself back into good health.  Patience doesn't come easy to me, with my own actions involved, but I am learning.  For most of us, I am sure we are our own worst enemies.  Picking on ourselves, expecting more than we physically can do, but then I remind myself that I am just human.  We are human, we will have to change our behavior, and learn from our mistakes.  Maybe I am annoyingly positive to some people, oh well.  I need to be positive to succeed, we all need to be.  Life isn't easy, but I will be damned if I will give up this soon!

Do something today you avoid.  When you have done it - or even just attempted it - give yourself credit for taking a positive step in the right direction!

Brenda  : )~

I had my routine follow up for my open wound, I was hopeful that I would be cleared to full activity & allowed to swim, but I am not there yet.  Bummer.  On the happier side of things, I am still losing weight, slowly, but still losing.  My starting weight was 474 (BMI 74.2), and my current weight is 395 (BMI 61.9).  At least I have broken the 400 pound barrier, and I am getting closer to that 50 BMI - which at 320 I will have a BMI of 50.1 - new goal!  For many, this number seems ridiculous, but I pulled up my "Big Girl Panties" and am facing my journey head on.

Since the most I am allowed to do for exercise is light core and walking, I decided to go drag myself up and down a few hills -- living on the middle of a hill can have it's advantages.  Wooo, my ear now hurts (it is still Winter), but I at least got my heart pumping.  Take that, pesky pounds!  My best advice to anyone with a high BMI is get out and walk.  If you cannot walk long distances, start slowly & add a little over time.  I wasn't able to swim two miles right away, it took a few weeks to work up to it.  Same thing with walking.  Before I could walk two miles, I would just do laps at a local park.  When I started improving my stamina, I added the hill at the park - so twice around the track and a round trip up & down the hill became my routine.  Patience and staying positive will get you further -- in life & in exercising. 

Two months out, and I am doing pretty well.  I have had a few moments of trial and error - nothing like getting "foamies" in a public place!  In some ways I wish my pouch were more restrictive, but in the long run I know I will adapt.  Getting enough water hasn't been a problem, and I found out I now have a sensitivity to caffeine, so water is what I usually reach for these days.  The one craving - more in my head than anything - has been bread.  Sigh.  It was never really much of a consideration before surgery, but now I am very tuned in on not having it.  There are worse things for sure, but I have to chuckle at my "bad little kid" whining about wanting a sandwich once in a while.  No more fried egg sandwiches, I have to be happy with my egg scrambled on a wee plate!

Probably my hardest thing to beat into my head: EAT EVERY TWO HOURS... Well, get nutrients every two hours. There is nothing like bending over & having to grab a wall instead of eating the floor!  So, I am trying to turn over a new leaf & keep my body fueled.  I still use protein shakes and the occasional meal replacement, but it is almost annoying how often I am supposed to eat!  Waaa, quick, call the WAAmbulance!  Being fat all my life, I had gotten into the habit of skipping meals -- but I cannot really do that anymore.  Remember, food equals fuel, write that down (at least mentally)...

When you start feeling the weight is taking forever to come off, remember this: Your weight didn't happen overnight, it will take at least as long to lose as it did to gain -- in most cases, think twice as long.  Stay positive, and if you falter, pick yourself up & start all over!

Brenda : )~

Having invested in Trader Joe's Peanut Flour - I love this stuff!  It is a cheap protein option to add to shakes & recipes calling for Peanut Butter - lower calories, and all the flavor, without all the fat.  The other reason I started looking for peanut flour - I do not like the added sweetness of Sugar Free Syrups.  I found some on Amazon, and still looking for other, cheaper options than TJ & Marlene's.

Coconut Flour is what I have found at Marlene's & WinCo!  Again, you can mix it into shakes, use it for cooking, flavor & protein without all those pesky calories or fat!  WinCo is so cheap, if you can stand shopping there, it is an excellent option!

TVP - Textured Vegetable Protein - soy that looks a lot like Grape Nuts, has little flavor, TONS of protein, fiber, oh and calci-YUM - potassi-YUM - and Magnesi-YUM (corny, but what the heck?).  What is TVP?  De-fatted soy flour, so you are pumping up recipes with 12 grams of protein for every ounce, while adding 80 calories.  I use this stuff in LOTS of things, soups, meatloaf, anything you need to add a little bulk to.  TVP will take on flavor from fluids - chicken broth, etc. - so it is a fabulous ingredient.  Marlene's charges (if I remember correctly) about $12 a pound - but it weighs next to nothing!  Here is my better option - WinCo!  TVP was just over $3 a pound, in the bulk section.

Unflavored Soy Protein - my next deal - again, WinCo!  I found it in the bulk section, and freaked at how cheap it was - sorry, I forgot the price per pound, but it was CHEAP!

Do you want flavor without alcohol (extracts contain alcohol) or sweetness?  http://www.faeriesfinest.com/  &  http://yumdropsflavoring.com/  Cheap ways to add flavor - just a few drops, lasts a long time.  I still have a couple bottles in my pantry from previous meal replacement shake days!

Your body NEEDS potassium, and for me, the cheapest way to get what my body needs is at Costco & Sams Club - right now save $3.50 at Costco.  I buy a case of 11.5 ounce Low Sodium V8 (non sale price around $14), 70 calories with a third of your daily potassium needs.  Potassium is not easily found in supplements, it is in food.  Since we are limited in what & how much we eat, I love having a Low Sodium V8 every day or so.  If you have room, just stock it in your pantry! 

We all have our favorites when it comes to protein supplements, so I won't even muddy the post with what I buy.  I am preparing for a month away from home, so planning a little will save me a lot!  If you take a little extra time shopping, you can save a lot & get more bang nutritionally for your buck!

Brenda  : )~

One of my goals is to not need my extender belt in my truck, well it worked, but I still feel like I want to keep using it for a few more pounds.  Being able to quick release with a big old butt is my concern.  I have been hit a total of eight times in two trucks - none my fault - and one accident actually did hurt me, necessitating Fire & Rescue to assist me.  I worry a little over bad habits being hard to shake.  I don't think I am over thinking this one, too much.

Went to the movies today, another goal I look forward to attaining - sitting with armrests down.  Well, I am almost there, but I am still not sweating this one too much.  Oh, and for anyone worrying about being tempted by movie theater food - bring your own protein bar - I even usually bring a shaker with protein powder - just in case!  I just put the powder in the bottle, add water when it is needed.  Man, I never used to hide food in my truck, but I do now!!!  I have two different premixed protein drinks, two or three packets of protein powder, usually a bar or two of meal replacement, and a bottle each of sealed water & Powerade Zero.  Funny, I never used to have a stash, until I had to worry about eating right!

My big trip back to Hawaii is less than a month away - holy schmoly!  I am so excited, and worried my wound will not be 100% healed - hope I do not turn into shark bait!  I told one friend, "Brendalicious Bubbly Gum Flavored Shark Snacks," which made us both laugh!  I invited another couple to come stay with us, and my female friend was too embarrassed to ask if I can loan her a swimsuit.  Swimsuit?  SURE!  I have at least six that should fit her, and I am still digging through my ample supply to get to the smallest size -- then one of my favorite goals:  Forced to purchase a NEW swimsuit!  Last year when I was back home, the stupid Pacific Northwest had one of the mildest winters in YEARS, grrrrr.  This time, I think I will be escaping the cold, for sure!  No cleaning the wood pellet stove for a month, ha ha ha!

Oooo, another goal I cannot wait to attain: ONE SEAT ON THE AIRPLANE!  Geez, it sucks to deal with being the fattest, wide body on the damn plane.  Then, I have to deal with rental cars, another ugh.  I am a firm believer in safety belts - read my first paragraph if you cannot figure out why!  The big thing about Hawaii that differs for me on the Mainland, I hate feeling people stare at me.  Sometimes I tell myself more people should see me - see how active I am, blah blah blah, but truth be told, I would rather staring for more positive reasons.  If I can get my life under control, you should be able to, too!  I try to stay positive, work at not over thinking things to death, and try to remember - it took more than a year to get this big, it will take longer to get it off.

When I am swimming in the warm, deep blue, I'll try to post some photos - so I will have before & afters for NEXT year!  Mahalo for listening to me go on about my feelings!  You can do it!
Brenda : )~

Slowly, I chewed... Bite by bite... Until, FULL!  Sounds so simple, but I have to remind myself to eat slowly!  Gone are the days of just wolfing down my food, eating my veggies first, and having my never empty water glass, sigh.  Some people with Roux-en-Y can drink up until they start a meal, I cannot.  Drinking water has always been a big part of my day, having to schedule when to stop - what a pain, but I am adapting!

If you are considering surgery, just know, it is not the same for all of us.  We all fall into little sub groups, just as in pre-surgical life.  I found if I have water too close to eating, I get this weird, thick, clear, gooey, sometimes foamy liquid that makes me so uncomfortable.  I have had to just expel it - yup, I regurgitate this odd fluid.  So, to be a healthy, non-barfy human, I will just not have ANY fluid within 20 minutes of eating -- sounds like swimming, "You'll get cramps..."  No food came up, just the ooey gooey liquid, but it is still gross.

Patience is important.  I have difficulty being patient.  When I see something that I want to change, if I do not sit on my hands (sometimes literally), I have to react.  UGH.  Lord, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... Yup, that pretty much covers that one!  Change happens sometimes slowly, so learn to be patient.

Staying positive!  My mantra!  Here is my Brenda-ism of the day:  Be positive enough to sell a pessimist a dream!  My boyfriend pointed out my snarkiness, and I started to look internally.  Negativity really does effect us and others around us, so why not try positivity?  I once worked as a waitress on the graveyard shift.  This one mean drunk was really pissed off at my upbeat mood & smile.  The guy actually tried tripping me twice, then got in my face & screamed at me.  So, the adage about driving people nuts when you smile really happens!  Oh, and negativity makes your skin icky!  I don't want wrinkles, unless they are LAUGH WRINKLES!

Believe it or not, I do go back and read all this blog - it really helps me to make my foundation solid.  I really have to work at walking the walk, talking the talk, but at least I am working!  If life were easy, we all would be independently wealthy, slim, and perfect.  Perfect is boring, I don't mind being a little flawed, it gives me a project to work on!

Brenda  : )~

This is a recipe I make a few pounds at a time, package up, and eat later!

I start with chuck - you can also use flank or your choice.  I trim the meat of ALL fat, then slice as thin as I can - against the grain.  I brown the meat in garlic, seasoning to taste - no salt needed!  I then add one can of Rotel to each pound of meat (1 - 1, 2 - 2, and so on).  One pan/pot is all you need!  Let this all cook on medium for 2 - 3 hours, lid on will help break the meat down faster (Crockpot is also great), then when you are ready to eat, turn the heat up, lid off, and the concotion will cook down into a fabulous dish!  If you want to add beans on the side, you need to do the nutrition on your own!

each ounce of the recipe as follows:
70 calories
4 grams fat
30 mg sodium
7 grams protein

ENJOY!