shantele7824

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Well I am posting for the first time since friday but I am back and ready to conitnue with my weight lost.  I got the news on friday and said I thought I was just going to loss it really.  With all the other things going on around me that almost knocked me over but after drinking myself crazy on friday I woke up the next morning ready too sit down and figure something out and not give up and I am not giving up and starting my wieght loss journey again.  I am not a quiter and things get toss in my path everyday and I will privail.

Well on friday Febrauary 18, 2011 there was a couple of things I was too do.  One being to get weighed I did and lost 6.6 pounds in exactly 7 days of 2 shakes and 1 meal. ya!!!!  The next was getting the rest of my money for my deductible and that now has fell through.   My heart is hurting I have to come up with $2500 in order to have the surgery and rite now I just don't know how I am going to do it.  SO I had a binge last night of food and alcoohol, I didnt want to do nothing else but that, I couldnt think of anything healthy I wanted to do. 

It is almost 6am as I am writing this and I woke up this morning with a heart of determenation.  I had my self pity party last night but I can't give up not just yet.

I have for a long time felt along in my struggles in alot of things.  And as my prep for the surgery is coming along I am having that feeling of alongness again.  I have a sister and friends who all want me to have the surgery and understand I need to have it but I am finding it hard to get them to commit to helping and really be there afterwards when I am healing. 

I guess my major concern is for help with my 18 month old, who is truly dependent on me.  I am a daycare provider so she is at home with me and I am already having problems finding a suitable daycare provider in my area and when I talk too my friends and family about needing help to drop off and pick up my baby nobody has spoken up and said yes I will help so I feel like noone wants too do it!!  I know I need to calm down everything happens for a reason and GOD will take care of this like he has taken care of everything else.

LOL ok I came home today after paying bills and had mail and in it was my authorization from my insurance stating that yes I can have the surgery, I think I forgot about this part I already knew I was having it but putting it in writing is just something else all together, so ya!!!

Well it's only 7:30 am so I am just starting my day.  Today is the 5th day of my 2 shakes and a meal and it is going good.  I have stuck too it and it isn't really hard for me.  What I know about myself is when I set my mind to something that is this meaningful to me I usually do a good job till a road block comes up.. I am afraid the road block will come on friday when I go see my primary doctor and get weighed in and have not lost any weight, but I am not going to claim it I know that I can do all things through christ and he hasn't brought me this far too let me lose out.  He truly has opened doors for me that have been closed for soo long. 

yesterday I learned that I will need some long-term pysch help afterwards, I am the type of person who don't try lying to myself so it isn't something I haven't known but yesterday it really hit me.  I have a friend who I love too death and it's a guy I have known for over 5 years and he made me feel so bad that the good news I got yesterday was good news but his words kept popping up in my head too the point it overshadowed my good news.  Ok so first off let me say that I love him alot and he don't  totally know how I feel about him,  but I do keep alot from him..  Ok so I was proudly telling him how I had walked around the grocery store isles twice and how it took me like an hour and I was so proud and then he goes and says well that isn't real excerise.  when he said that my whole little feel good moment went totally away I actually started crying.  I was feeling good because  for the last couple of months I hadnt even went into a grocery store at all I would have my groceries delivered so for me to even go into the store I thought was a good thing and then to walk down every isle more than once I thought was great.  But he doesnt know that and I finally got myself to that point of realizing that he just doesnt understand what a moment that really was for me.

Also that was my moment that I realize that I need and will conitnue to need the help of a therapist so that I learn to get past what those I love don't put me in that mind frame of low again.  I acutally cried off and on all yesterday and I felt bad, but I don't necessarily blame him because I am messed up on the inside, he truly just don't understand my struggle with life and that is because I haven't been veyr honest with him.

Ok so my good news for the day is that with the type of insurance I have I have a deductible that needs to be paid ouot before my insurance will cover anything so I needed $2500 and I so far have $2000 and yesterday out the blue GOD blessed with with $500 from out of nowhere so I now have the money I need to conitnue I knew I would eventually come up with it but didn't know how and GOD just sent it from heaven.  If only I could express the goodness of GOD.

On Febraury 10, 2011 I met my surgeon Dr. Ajay through Alta Bates in Oakland Ca.  I was very excited and ready for whatever he had to tell me.  At went into my appointment not really knowing what was going to happening but ready for whatever.  I really thought I was going to have too lose alot of weight before I could have the surgery so I was very nervous about the numbers.  When the surgeon walked into the room he was nice and I loved how he presented himself.  We talked about what was in my chart how much I weighed and what procedure I was interested in and which one would be good for me.  At the end he told me I needed to lose 20 pounds.  In my head I was screaming and hollering and damn near in tears but I was holding it in begging in my head for him to leave so that I could celebrate.  I was so happy and surprised to hear such a low number I knew it wasn't anything else but the grace of GOD that he spoke those words.