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My new job is working one on one with children with autism.  Kids on the spectrum have particular needs.  ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) is an effective way to help them.  ABA is a "hard" science, unlike psychology.  Behavior can be quantified and measured.  With kids on the spectrum, behavior can be molded using positive reinforcement.

So, when I sit down with one of my kids to begin a session, I ask, "What are you working for?"  Positive reinforcement works for them, but the hard part can be finding something that is reinforcing.  With each kid, it's important to find that reinforcer which will keep them at the table doing some really hard work.

I don't have autism, but I need that reinforcer, too.  Losing weight is a built in reinforcer.  However, my love affair with food has served me all through my lifetime.  I've used food as a medication for years.  It numbs my emotions and soothes my soul.  WIth all the upheaval in my life lately, emotional eating has been a problem this past week.  I do pretty well during the day but at night not so much.  So, I need to change what I'm working for.  I need a more powerful reinforcer.

I haven't figured out what that is yet.  I think I may need some quick, easy reinforcers that don't delay gratification too long... that aren't food.  I haven't come up with any ideas yet.  Mostly, I'm focused on the need.  But, I'm going to sleep on it and see if I can't dream up a solution.

Blessings to you.  Thanks for being part of my solution.

I never thought I would be one of the folks who got WLS and then divorced, but I'm joining the ranks of those who have gone before me.  I had every intention of holding on to my marriage.  I made every effort to do so.  Then, I discovered something really important.

My husband is a very bad person.

It shocked me to figure it out.  I've spent years trying to figure out why our marriage didn't work.  We went to counseling, weekend retreats, seminars, etc.  You name it.  We tried it.  Really, though, I tried, he came along for the ride.

Without food to turn to, I've had to face some tough emotional rides.  I've healed a lot of junk over the past ten months.  It's been exhillerating, tough, but worth it.  Then, I realized that all our marital problems had an unexpected basis.  The man I loved doesn't exist.  He never did.  The guy I married is scary.  He's never hit me, but he has played head games with me our entire marriage.  In fact, he gets his jollies from making me feel crazy.

In the last month, as I made the decision to get the divorce, found a lawyer, etc., I paid attention like never before.  Instead of looking through the eyes of love at a man I believed was forgetful, inept, damaged from childhood, I saw a man who really was a liar and mean.  I realized he was rifling through my things.  All these years I thought I was losing things because I was irresponsible.  I didn't realize he was losing them for me.  I caught him lying to me about an appointment we almost missed, then blaming me for not telling him the right time, when I knew that I had.  It as shocking to realize that it gives him pleasure to mess with my head like that.

So, I'm getting a divorce.  I didn't plan on it.  I didn't want it.  But, now that he is out of the house, I am so much more relaxed.  There's peace here.  We all know that we overeat for a reason.  Guess I found my biggest one.  It's interesting, too.  I feel more full now with less food.  I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but I find it interesting that it happened at the same time. he left.

I wish you all the best.  I had to take a bit of a break to take care of business.  I plan to be more present on the site now that my business as usual is pleasant and calm.

Blessings

My last blog was written while I was shell shock from some realizations.  Today I'm feeling better.  I have a tough road ahead of me in regards to this difficult relationship.  But, this is part of my journey.  I knew when I had my surgery that I'd be breaking my food addiction and I knew junk was going to come up.  It has.  BOY, has it! 

This time is about me.  I'm usually a selfless person, selfless to the point that I literally lost my self.  I'm getting her back and boy have I missed me!  I like myself so much now.  I get offended when people mistreat me now, not because they're mean but because I don't let people hurt my friends.  I am now my own best friend.  My best friend deserves respect. 

As for my difficult relationship person, well, the relationship is in a peaceful lull.  That's a good thing.  I think I have about two weeks before the feces hits the oscillator.  But, we'll see.  I have a strategy in place and I'm working toward unentangling myself from the toxicity.  Until that happens, I realize that I don't have to play the games and I don't have to join the drama.  That's an automatic improvement.

As for my weight loss, the stall has officially broken and that is reason to cheer!  I'm having to be careful about emotional eating right now.  Yesterday I forgot to eat breakfast, which is not good, but for me it was a signal that my head got away from the food for comfort mode, at least for a bit of time.

My life is changing.  Good and awful are happening all at the same time.  I'm enduring the awful and enjoying the good.  Blessings to all of you in your journey!

I have a very close relationship with someone who I have loved for a very long time.  This person is deeply involved in my life and has been for over 25 years.  I've been slowly, gradually awakening to the fact that the relationship is toxic, not just unhealthy.  On Monday, when I saw my therapist (as I talked about in my last post) she was very concerned.  Her response was comforting in that it confirmed my suspicions.  It was unsettling in that it went way beyond what I expected.

I own property with this individual and they are very involved in my life.  Now, I understand I must unentangle myself with this person and due to the severity of their problems, it may not be completely safe for me as I do so.  I'm looking at my options and developing a plan.  I am not in immediate danger:  it's just that this is a volatile person who is likely to respond badly to my much needed boundaries.

WLS has been such a life saving procedure.  Physically, it's changing me, inside and out.  Emotionally, it's helping me to look at the hard stuff.  I've been through a lot, but there are a few "holy cows" in my life that I've been unwilling to deal with and this relationship is one of those. 

On the other hand, this relationship has been so toxic for so long, the thought of being free from that is exciting, despite the concerns I have.  I'm seeking God on this one because I will need Him to untangle this web.  But, no matter what, it all leads to the same place.  I am getting "me" back.  My counselor shared a quote that I am still drinking in and I want you to hear it, too.  It is:

     "If you have to choose between integrity and a relationship, always choose integrity."

In other words, if anyone ever makes you give YOU up for themselves, choose you and not them.  Today and forever, I choose me.  Blessings to all who are on this journey with me.  I treasure your (non-toxic) friendship.  :-)

That's all I've lost in the last month.... Yep, I'd call that a stall. 

It's weird, though, my clothes are much looser and I've lost a some inches overall, not a lot.  But, whatever...  This past month, I've been training for a new job and it was a very intense training.  So, I'm just getting my head out of that matter.

It's hard to balance weight loss and the demands of life.  I have to wonder if my eating was that bad, or if this is just part of the process.  I'm trying not to over think it.  However, over thinking seems to be my favorite past time.  I wonder if the intensity of the material I've been learning kept my brain on high, because I've also had some epiphanies about some relationships.  I am in a "I've had it with the crap.  Take your drama elsewhere." mood.

I don't know if it's a good thing or not.  I do believe it is a necessary thing.  The good news is that I am going to see a counselor on Monday.  She is awesome and I've avoided seeing her before now because it is quite a drive.  I tried a guy that was closer to my home town, but that was not a good match!  I'm looking forward to my appointment because this woman is very affirming, yet challenges me to go higher.  I can wallow in self pity for free, after all.  I hope she helps me bring some clarity to a murky situation.

Despite the not so good news, my life is pretty amazing.  Great things are happening.  At the same time, gut wrenching, soul quaking stuff is happening, too. It's ironic when it happens life that.  But, on the other side of this stall, on the other side of this emotional upheaval will come clarity, peace, and a new way to live.  Gotta love that.

I wish you peace and serenity on your journey.  Blessings.

So many cool things are happening for me that go far beyond just weight loss.  But, I'll start with my progress so far.  I am down 180 pounds from my highest weight, and about 87 since sugery.  I feel great.  I'm still obese and have a ways to go, but it's all good.

I'm still recovering from my last surgery (getting rid of ovaries and fallopian tubes).  But, I feel good.  Energy levels are not what I would want, but better than they use to be after surgery.  Despite that, I've been training to work with children with Autism and boy does that charge my batteries!  I've had some wonderful experiences with some awesome kids and learning how to help them.

I feel like I'm getting, not just my life back, not just my body back, I feel like I'm getting me.  I missed me.  I feel like I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be.  It helps that the package is getting easier to manage.  My body fits in places it didn't in years past.  Since I'm not lugging 180 extra pounds, it's easier to pick a kid up and play with him. 

I love the feeling of having limitations removed.  My future is bright and I feel great.

Some downsides... I have laughably loose skin.  Seriously, until I get plastic surgery, it's 3/4 length sleeves for me.  If not for the looks, I need to be concerned my own safety and that of others.  I don't want to slap folks with my batwing arms.  I need to get serious about support hose and spanx, but just having had my gut cut into, I've been putting that off.  I'm still a bit uncomfortable with the extra compression. 

Blessings to everyone who shares my journey and reads my blog posts. 

I feel like a Science experiment gone wrong.  I have too many variables in my life and can't pin down which is causing what!  But it's all good.

I'm still getting used to my ever evolving eating plan.  Adding an Iron supplement has affected my life in ways I do not like, read: constipation.  So, I am experimenting with fiber... today.  The laxatives recommended to me interrupted my life way too much.  Not trying something put me on a roller coaster ride with thrills and chills in the bathroom that I do not wish to discuss in public. 

I just had my ovaries removed, so I am careening headlong into menopause, read: hot flashes.  However, WLS has caused me to be colder than usual.  It's freezing outside and I'm conserving energy, read: low temps inside.  The net result is I never know how I feel.  I'm cold.  I'm hot.  I'm confused.

In the midst of all of this is the emotional roller coaster exacerbated by my great hormonal shift.  The weight I gained served a purpose in insulating me from my emotions.  I ate to mask feelings and I can't do that anymore.  With each month's weight loss, I uncover another reason why I let myself get to the size I did.  It creates interesting dilemmas as I face, finally, the problem that I used to eat over. 

My first response is to feel the pain, sometimes anger and shame accompany whatever it is.  But, when I get my courage up and face it head on, I feel exhilarated and released from the snare of it all.  It's almost euphoric to overcome the issue at hand. 

I feel so very empowered.  My body is getting smaller, but soul feels so much bigger.  I like that.

Blessings to all who read my post.  I wish you epiphanies and peace.

In one day I went from Morbidly Obese to Obese.  It was the difference of one pound, but the accumulation of a year and a half of work.  It's a big victory for me.  The scale is moving right now and I am so happy. 

I began Super Morbidly Obese (SMO) with a BMI of 70.  I had to lose down to a Morbidly Obese BMI of 60, on my own.  My BMI is 39.7 today.  I am more than halfway to my goal weight, which will ultimately require plastic surgery. 

The quality of my life has improved so much.  I love that my body is more flexible.  I can wear cuter clothes.  I don't have to worry if I'll fit through tight spaces, be able to fit into any particular chair, or if I'll be the biggest person in the room.  I weigh less now than I have 25 years.  It feels so good.

WLS has not been the easiest thing I ever did for myself.  But, it has been one of the best things.  I am glad I did this for myself.

Sending blessings to everyone who reads my blog posts.  I wish you all the best on your journey.

... and that would be by removing body parts. 

I am a 10 year survivor of breast cancer.  Woo Hoo!  I got genetic testing done and discovered that I have a mutation on the BRCA2 gene.  That is part of why I got breast cancer.  I had bilateral mastecotmies in 2001, which removed as much of that risk as possible.  However, I was also at risk for ovarian cancer.  Well, no longer.  Last Thursday, I had them removed.  I've been joking that it is part of my weight loss strategy, removing body parts.

Seriously, though, it is a weight off of my shoulders knowing that this risk is gone.  I have been dreading the surgery, because I'm tired of them.  But, it feels good to know that this particular cancer is no longer a threat.

Now, it's time to get recover and try to follow my food plan while I'm still foggy from medication and surgery.  Best wishes to all who read my post.  I'm grateful for you.

I love the new year.  It feels fresh and new... and hopeful!

I lost weight over the holidays, but less than I could have, I'm sure.  However, I am back to my food plan and I am enjoying it.  I thought there would be some sadness or withdrawal from the sweets.  Instead, I feel reinvigorated and ready to do what needs to be done.

Today is my seven month anniversary.  All totaled, I've lot 168.8 pounds.  I got a little stuck at Christmas.  When I hit the 240's, it just felt so good and satisfying.  There was something about getting under 250 that satisfied me a whole lot.  I was concerned that I was going to become complacent and stay stuck.  But, today I was under 240 and it boosted my confidence. 

I have a surgery next week.  I'll be removing my ovaries to reduce my cancer risk:  I have a mutation on the BRCA2 gene, which puts me at risk.  I'm not looking forward to the recovery and bounding headlong into menopause.  But, I am looking forward to having this worry off my shhoulders. 

I wish everyone who reads this all the best in your own journey.  Try to enjoy more and worry less!  Blessings.