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  The picture on the left is a a few weeks before WLS.  The picture on the right is from a few days ago.  That's about a 100 pound difference between the pictures.  I still have a ways to go, but I'm happy to be where I am. 

I took some positive steps to get my head together.  First, I had a heart to heart talk with the family member who had been unsupportive for a couple of months.  It was emotional and difficult.  It felt unresolved in the moment.  However, the next day that person had a complete change of heart.  I am hopeful again.  This relationship is very important.

I also found a new counselor.  With my childhood issues, I have some pretty specific needs, so I decided to see a psychologist when I usually prefer social workers.  I also chose a male over a female because that would be a new dynamic.  And, I don't know if I like him.  I am going to give him one more appointment, then make my decision, but things aren't looking too good for him.  However, I have another person in mind if this doesn't work out.  I clearly need counseling and I am going to do this for myself.

Oh, and I'm also still losing weight.  Despite Thanksgiving, where I neither overindulged nor deprived myself, I still lost four pounds when I got home.  Exercising has been a challenge with a busy holiday schedule, but I am getting some in, not nearly enough, though.

Non Scale Victories:  
     *I can cross my arms like a normal person.  Love that how that feels!
     *I can sit comfortably in a crowded auditorium.
     *I'm wearing heals again
     *My husband's arms can reach all the way around me, past touching in the middle.  :-)
     *My cousin didn't recognize me at first when I visited for Thanksgiving.

It's good to be alive.  It's better to feel alive.  It's fantastic knowing that this will continue.  All my best to those of you who read my blog.  You're so important to me.  Best wishes to you on your journey.  God bless.

Food filled my soul's hunger for my whole life.  I loved the feeling of a distended stomach, full beyond capacity.  It masked the void of love I felt in my life.  A very abused child, I ate to numb the physical and emotional pain.  Obsessive thoughts, many about food, kept my mind off the hell I was living through. 

I have overcome a lot in my life.  I have done my best to stop the cycle of abuse in my family.  I have turned in some of my abusers to the police.  I have tried to take some of the strength I gained through recovery to help other abused children through foster parenting.  Still, my soul hungers.

Unable to overcome obesity, I had WLS.  Daily, RNY forces me to behave as I must to lose weight.  It is working.  The soul hunger remains.  However, there is not enough room in my pouch to mask the pain of this love void that still lingers.  The unintended consequence of my WLS has caused me to reevaluate what is truly important to me, what is truly needed in my life.  The answers have shocked me.  It's as if my eyes have suddenly been opened and I can't believe what I am seeing. 

Instead of hating this void in my life, ignoring it, masking it, I have come to understand that it is a true need. After a horrific childhood of not having that need met, I came to believe that it was a personal flaw, that I was somehow defective or too wounded, that somehow it wasn't a need at all.  The void, the need had to be brought into submission either through prayer or discipline, or self-sacrifice.  Now I know it needs to be filled.  It is an important component of who I am.

Feeding and tending this need has not been easy.  I am still discovering all that must fit into this void.  Those closest to me are unaccustomed to this seemingly new need.  One very important person to me has withdrawn support, kindness, and even love, which makes my soul ache even more.  I am uncertain what this will eventually mean to that relationship, which scares me. 

Nevertheless, I am convinced that my decision for WLS has been the right one.  I feel like that missing piece of the puzzle has become attainable.  It is not simply losing weight and getting healthy, it is getting me.  I am becoming me.

There's a math equation I can get excited about!  I weighed today and the scale said 249.  I love hitting a goal!

The last time I was at this weight, I was on my way up the scale, not down. It was about 25 years ago and I was in my 20's.  I wasn't weighing in at that time, so I'm guessing it was around 1985-1986.  It feels so good to be at this size.  I was sitting on the couch last night, legs crossed and thinking, "Wow, this feels great."

Blessings to everyone who is joining me on this journey.  I'm glad we're doing this together!

What a ride this has been so far!  From my surgery weight, I have lost about 65 pounds.  All totaled, I've lost over 150.  I feel great, not perfect, but awesome.

Life is full of possibilities, a few trials, some difficult decisions, and learning, learning, learning.  It seems like everyday is a challenge to find a way to beat stress without overeating.  Given some of the stresses of this last week, I understand how it was I got to over 400 pounds.  I was eating emotions and words.  Now, I know I have to be assertive instead of passive during difficult situations.  I have to deal with anger instead of dulling it with food.  I have to face problems instead of smothering them with gravy.  I can't anesthetize my pain with food.  I can't even drink.  So, one by one I face my troubles head on. It's hard.  But, I say, it's still a good trade.  I would never go back.

My prayer life is improving.  I didn't think it needed to, but I guess it did. 

I love walking into a new situation with a (still extra large) body that will fit into chairs.  I love the confidence I feel.  I love feeling like me again.  The SMO version of me had become fearful of new situations, chairs, embarrassment.  She had become stilted and a little agoraphobic.  She was tired and losing hope. 

I love the quote, "Become the change you wish to see."  That is what my life is right now.  I am change.

I was so excited last week that I finally, FINALLY broke that stall that I forgot why I wanted to so badly.  I've lost over 150 pounds now!  I am very excited!  I had lost quite a bit prior to my surgery, but it had gotten really hard and I struggled for every pound.  It's not easier for me now, it is just more successful.

At my lower weight, exercise is doable.  It's still a chore somedays.  Other days, it's something I enjoy.  But, I can do it.  Prior to surgery, my joints ached too much.  Exercise was painful and non-productive.  Now, it's more of a mental challenge, getting myself to follow protocol and just get it done.  Colder weather has forced me indoors.  I miss walking the trail outside at night, but I have a treadmill and I'm enjoying exercising with the TV on.  I'm working on my strength exercises which make me sore the next day, but there is a reason they are called strength exercises.  I feel stronger.  I like that a lot. 

I am days away from my five month anniversary.  It's amazing to me that it's only been that long since WLS.  I'm losing about 9 pounds plus change per month. 

Emotionally, well there are some challenges there.  Since I can't eat away my troubles, I tend to be less tolerant of people who are inconsiderate or who take advantage of me.  Close relationships are being challenged and the rules are changing.  The key is respect.  I give it and I need it.  I have begun to treat one loved one exactly as he treats me.  I can tell right now that he feels confused and angry about it, but after years of begging and pleading with him to be kinder, I've decided to mirror his actions instead.  I don't know how long it will take for him to get it, or if he will, and what that may mean, but I refuse to be treated poorly by people who proclaim to love me most. 

Best wishes to everyone who is on this journey with me.  Blessings to you as you bust stalls, reach goals and learn a new way to live life.

Finally!  The I lost all those darned 5 pounds for good.  I lost and regained them for weeks.  Today I weighed and they were gone plus 3.8 more!  I feel better and reinvigorated as I broke through that scale barrier.  It was hard to face that I did need to increase my calories.  It was hard to make time to keep my exercise routine, but that did the trick.  Ahh, finally the scale moved.

I began to think on Monday that my hunger was out of control and driven only by nerves.  However, after I calmed down, I realized that I was hungry still.  I increased my calories, mainly focusing on protein, but getting the needed carbs in.  It helped.  I am going to try to get 80+ grams of protein in daily and I want to up my liquids, as well. I find that I feel less hungry during the day if I delay having carbs until after breakfast.  At least, I think that works.

I hate stalls!  I'm trying to embrace them as they come because it is part of the process.  But, boy!  Can they mess with your head!  

Best wishes to all who are with me on this journey!  Blessings.

 

I'm out of the box.  I'm out of my comfort zone.  I'm stretching myself.  I'm making cold calls, putting myself out there. I'm seeking clients and pay sources.  Mostly, though, I'm hungry! 

I'm not really, because my pouch is full. I feel full. I measured my food, ate slowly, had the tell-tale burp to know I was full even before 20 minutes was up.  The system is "go".  It's working... and I want to eat everything I see.  Why?  I'm nervous. 

Oh man, I have to find a place to put this nervous energy.  Everything I'm doing today is positive and planned and good. But, it is new and I have to talk to strangers on the phone and ask for things.  I have butterflies inside... and apparently they want to eat!

Whew!  Right now, the only thing keeping me from seeing what the limits are to this pouch is the fear of dumping.  Yep, that's  a good fear alright.  I think I am going to go do some serious stress relieving stretches.  Some cleansing breaths and maybe a shower to hit the reset button on my brain. 

All is well.  The world is at peace.  I am okay.  (repeat ad nauseum)

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog.  Your support and accountability gets me through these moments.  Blessings on your journey.

That's what I've been losing and gaining for the past few weeks, the same 5 pounds.  My weight has fluctuated up and down, but it is the same 5 pounds.  So, I particularly loathe these particular 5.   

This was frustrating the heck out of me until last night.  I was wearing one of my favorite blouses from the summer, one that had been form fitting and now hangs off me loosely.  So, I felt encouraged.  The scale may not be moving in a continuous, fluid movement down closer to my goal weight.  It's not even moving in a nice stair step pattern.  Rather, it looks more like a stock market ticker on a bad day, up a little, down a little more. 

My body, on the other hand, is steadily getting smaller.  The scale may be static, at least for now, but my body is shrinking.  I can't remember the last time I put on pair of slacks that fit me last week, but are too tight this week.  It had to be before WLS surgery.  Now, my biggest disappointment comes when a piece of my newer, smaller clothing starts getting too loose to look flattering any more. 

As always, I am grateful for everyone who reads my blog.  You encourage me and spur me on.  Thanks for keeping me accountable and encouraged.  Blessings.

I love the passing of a new month.  I don't know why, but it encourages me.  I weigh on Fridays, so I'll post losses (please Lord no gains) tomorrow.  I'll also try to get some pictures up.  I'm enjoying watching my progression as I take pictures each month.  It helps me to see how far I've progressed. 

NSV's for this past month - My smaller clothes are getting lose.  I'm getting lots of compliments from various people.  I've outed myself as having had WLS.  Loose skin!  Love it or hate it, it's a great "war wound".

Shaving my legs the other day was a little more challenging.  Taut skin is easier for the razor. I don't have that anymore, so I'm giving some serious thought to Nair or Veet, etc.  My knee-jerk reaction when I see all this loose skin is to say "Ugh!"  (I upper arms to match my thighs.) Then, I remind myself what a blessing it is to have less fat.  This is a victory.  I intend to have plastics when I reach goal.  That helps to keep me from being discouraged.

What a great journey we are on!  It is quite the roller coaster marathon, but I am happy to be on it!  Blessings to all my gentle readers.  Thanks for encouraging and inspiring me.