sundaymorning

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

So i've been on a diet since Sunday.
SUPER SUCKY!
I was doing okay until today.  I was soo hungry and it was making me emotional/angry so I gave in to the monster and had a cheeseburger :[ Horrible I know.  I'm not going to eat dinner tonight and I plan on excercising alot today but I had to do it. 
It is a month before my surgery and when it comes to the two weeks before, i'll be strict on my diet. I told myself i'll give myself one time a week to cheat so today was my day.

Anyways, this sounds like me making excuse so i'm going to stop there!  DEC. 15th IS ALMOST HERE @#$235346!!!!

So I have surgery in a month!!
Because my doctor has not given me ANYTHING to do pre-op, i'm doing my own thang! lol
I've been reading the book Weight loss surgery with the adjustable gastric band and it's been pretty helpful.
On Nov. 15th I'll be starting a diet to shrink my liver.  In a nutshell it will be :
B: protein shake
L: Protein shake
D: Salad (letucce tomato only) fat free dressing, 1 low cal vegetable, cup of fresh fruit, and grilled/baked chicken. 
Then when it's a week before surgery i'm going to do all liquids. 

It's making me get a little anxious.  I'm not afraid of the surgery itself.  I've wanted it for so long and i'm so excited. I am afraid that I'm going to go crazy.  I live an addictive lifestyle.  I smoked for 6 years and now I have quit since August.  (By quit I mean I haven't bought any cigarettes but have had a few on special occassions)  I'm not going to have a cigarette from now on.  I don't want to do anything that could sobotage my surgery.  I'm also addicted to fast food.  When I had a busy lifestyle with work and school it was so easy to just drive-thru somewhere and get food.  It's hard to cook.  I dont really know how.  I go grocery shopping and spend tons of money but It doesn't last long and it feels like such a waste.  Hopefully because it is pretty strict on what to eat that it will be easier for me to shop and learn how to cook.  

Another thing i'm a tad scared about is that it's not going to happen.  I'm afraid that I'll go into surgery and i'll have some sort of infection or something will be wrong with me.  I'm finally able to get this surgery and i'm scared to death that this opportunity will be taken away from me.  

I'm going to do this.  It's going to be hard, I might get sad/pissed/depressed/angry/anxious but i'm going to do it. 

If anyone does read this, What did you do to take your mind off of food and eating?  Any new habits you picked up that have worked well for you?   I like to walk but I need something more.  Anyways, wish me luck.  

So I am in between two tattoos right now.  I'm going to be getting a tattoo for my birthday (nov. 7) and it's going to be the beginning of my "pain before beauty" theme.




Both of these are SUPER amazing.  They won't be exactly like that but i'm into the whole spanish look.

anyways, there is my rant for the day.  I'm soooo excited.. I have 74 days till surgery lol

Dec. 15th 2009 HERE I COME!

So i'm trying to make mini-goals for myself to keep myself motivated and to reward myself for the hard work I will be doing to keep healthy.  Here we go:

Surgery is Dec. 15th.

February 15th:  Buy a tank top and feel more comfortable showing more skin.
                            Begin Bike riding again

April 15th:  Get hair extensions to feel more beautiful

May 15th:  Finish tattoo "Pain before Beauty"

June 15th:  Buy a bathing suit with short shorts rather than bags for shorts to cover my legs

July 15th: By this point, participate in at least 3 walk-a-thons

August 15th: Pick out wedding dress :)

September 15th:  Hopefully be at least 70 lbs. lighter
                                 Join soccer team

October 15th:  Get married this month :D

November 15th: Be able to shop at any clothing store 

December 15th:  Go on honeymoon, wear a betsey johnson dress :D  (Finish school)

This is just a short list of goals that I want to accomplish the first year after surgery.
I WILL accomplish this. I will be more optimistic.  

[rant]
This day/week has been going wonderfully until now.

I get a call from cal state, 2 days before i'm supposed to begin classes, that says that I cannot go there because I do not have enough credits.  FYI:  I turned in my transcripts last May so why wasn't I called then? Oh because they SUCK!  

Another crappy thing added to my day, I got a date! but it's during the week of my finals :D GREAT !  So somehow I have to beg my teachers to let me take the final the week before.  If they don't, i can't get surgery, and honestly, that would kill me.  

I know most people say they have horrible luck, but I REALLY do.  I bust my ass at everything I do and I feel like it's nothing.  I'm just praying that I can get my finals moved and I can get surgery. 


[/rant]

SOOoooOOo
I'm really excited :)
I had a doctors appointment yesterday.  I waitied 40 min. after my scheduled time and all the nurses did was take a picture.
WASTE OF TIME!  I had to give the front desk lady my number because they kept calling my dad instead of me and someone, I have no idea who, copied down my number and text messaged me after i left asking, "Are you dating anyone?"  I thought it was my friends messing with me so i joked around until he/she said "I saw you at the medical clinic..I liked what I saw." so I told him that was creepy and to not text me ever again.  Total weirdo!  That has never happened to me before and I just feel awkward.  
Anyways, I'm trying to schedule my surgery date but I have to wait for the scheduler to call me back.  I just hope I get the date I need because I can only do it right before xmas due to my school schedule.

I'm super excited and I feel like these next 3 months are going to take forever.  My fiance is not excited.  I know he's kind of freaking out.  Because I've been so vocal about everthing i've learned, he's afraid that when I get self confidence I'll leave him.  It's actually super annoying especially when people he works with always tell him the negative things they know about realtionship after wls.

oh well :)  For once, i'm going to care about myself

So I'm hoping to FINALLY be starting my lapband journey.  I was for RNY but because my insurance company would require me to gain about 15 more lbs., i'm going to do self-pay with lapband.  I'm super excited but i'm scared something will come up and I won't be able to do it.  I'm trying my best not to give my hopes up.  I am supposed to meet the doctor soon and I believe i will have to begin a 6 month diet thing.  I don't care, I'll do anything.  I was a smoker, i quit last week and i'm hoping to not smoke again.  I've been smoking since i was 16 (i'm 22) and I can't say i want to be healthy and still smoke.  It is one of the hardest things i've ever done.  I hope I stick to it.  Anyways, just an update.  I'M EXCITED!! :)

first off, i want surgery so bad and with no one to really talk to about it or get info from is so frustrating.
I got  so excited because i thought i was finally taking the right steps to getting surgery but of course, being the very unlucky person that I am, i'm back to square one.
My insurance company, kaiser in ca, cover surgery but getting approved by my doctor is starting to feel almost impossible.
I can never find the RIGHT information and i keep getting pushed around with the wrong answers.   It's starting to feel like i'm never goint to get it.
if i ever do get it, these are my goals:
To get married and wear a beautiful wedding dress that isn't in size xxxxxxxl.
To not be afraid of being in pictures
to not be afraid to see old friends or classmates
to not get tired all the time
to be on my feet all day without having pain
to RUN!
to play soccer again
to be able to go to the beach and not want to find ways to be constantly covering my fat
this might sound silly, but to get pregnant and have people KNOW that i'm pregnant and to love the "baby belly"
to have kids and be able to do everything that they do
to be confident
to have higher self esteem
to not be so depressed when i look in the mirror
to not cry my eyes off when i step on the scale
to buy cute clothes from any clothing store i want to
to be healthy
to sit comfortably in school desks
to not be the fat friend/daughter/cousin/sister
to feel sexy
to walk into a room and feel like 'the hot girl'
to be recognized as a person that as 'that fat girl'
to not be judged wherever i go
to have more of a social life

these are just a few things that i wish i could accomplish.  I've mentioned the surgery to people and their first response is, "well why don't you just go on a diet and stick to it."  i'm sorry, but that drives me insane.  I have been on and off diets since i was 7.  I was a skinny kid up until around 3rd grade when i found out i had hypothyroidism.  It stunt (sp) my growth and caused me to gain tons of weight and i've never been able to lose the weight and keep it off.  It's so frustrating especially when my own dad says "just change the way you eat and excercise more, i'm thin!"  My mom has struggled with her weight since i was little but i've never looked at her and thought she was huge.  My only real support system is my boyfriend and I LOVE him to death and i'm so blessed to have him.  But because he doesn't fully understand my feelings, it makes it difficult to talk to him about it.  he loves me the way i am and i'm grateful, but i don't love the way I am.  anyways. I hope that i can figure all of my issues out so that i can accomplish all that i want  to in life.