Accountability Blog I Why am I doing this?

Mar 29, 2011

*I've decided to blog periodically to keep myself accountable for my goals. If I SEE them, I can make them a reality! As the year goes by, LOOKING at my goals will make me remember them so that I will achieve them!! With this preface, here goes Accountability Blog I.

It's 9:41 pm on March 29, 2011, the night before my sleep study, which is the last step I have to take to get a surgery date. I'm sitting here, and the thought crossed my mind to honestly ask myself  WHY I AM HAVING WLS... So many things come to mind as to why I want to do this. Health reasons, of course! Vain, personal reasons? DUH! I want to be smaller, cuter--NO, I want to be beautiful to myself. I can only imagine the clothes I will be able to wear. The outfits will be limitless! Ok, besides that, I want to walk and not be so winded just by walking a few steps. That is so embarrassing. I would love to run! I want to run like those foreign exchange students from Africa used to run around Southeastern's campus. I want to attend SELU's homecoming this year 100lbs lighter and shock people with my progress--especially one person in particular... And by homecoming 2012, I WILL be at my goal weight, 160lbs!!! I want to cross my legs...I have NEVER been able to cross my legs. Man, I may just cross my legs while sitting on the toilet! YES, it's just that serious to me!

I want this badly. Facing reality, most men don't want me because of my size. PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM NOT HAVING THIS DONE JUST TO GET A MAN!!  But, thinking about it, my size has to be the reason. Besides that, what else could there be? I have a career, my own place, a vehicle, a little change in my pockets and in the bank (until this surgery!) and I'm NOT ugly. At least, I don't think I'm ugly...So what else could there be? I have friends and I seem to be able to keep them, so I guess my personality is in good condition...SO??? Again, I ask, what else is there?? So...I guess, in a way, I am doing this so that I can get a good man who will love me! I am 29 years old. I want a husband and some babies! Even if I did have a boyfriend right now, I'd be too self conscious of myself to think he loves me, and every time a woman who is smaller or cuter than me passed by, I'd be wondering if he'd rather have her than me... Cause honestly, that's kinda how I feel now. Self-esteem is shot! I really am happy about most areas of my life. Great family, great career, great friends and coworkers... All is well, thank God. My weight is the ONLY thing I'm hating! So, it's time to do something about it!
Bottom line:
1. I want to be at a healthy, normal weight
2. I want to feel good about myself
3. I want to shop in regular stores, not just those that cater to plus sized women (although I am grateful to LB, Catherine's Ashley's and Cato Plus just to name a few)
4. I want to cross my legs!!! (I think I said this already... LOL)
5. I want to be able to go for a run around the neighborhood
6. I want a man.... (yes, I admit it!)

So, as I continue to blog, I'm hoping to look at this same message a year from now and have MOST, if not ALL of these goals accomplished! Maybe if I keep blogging and keep tying my goals, I'll eventually reach them all! Guess these will be my accountability blogs!

Until next time, happy losing!!

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