sweetness75

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I am truly not loving my VSG. I want food now. It seems to me that at first I wasn't hungry but now everytime I turn around I want to put something in my mouth. I have to say thank God for my DH everytime I try to eat something that he knows that I should not be eating he will take it away or tell me know that I can't have it because he would be wasting his money because everytime I do eat something I throw it back up. I must confess tonight I tried to eat some ice cream big mistake. I sat here and I was in so much pain and then finally I threw it up. That was the best feeling ever. I know also that I shouldn't be trying to throw up because I am not fully healed. Why do I do this to myself. Why didn't I just leave everything the way that it was. At least I would be able to eat. I miss food so much. It is like my life is ran by food. I never knew how much I depended on food to make me happy. One good thing I am off of the blood pressure medication. I guess that it has some good points.
I know that I am depressed and not looking forward to going back to work next week. There is so much drama going on at my office. I have been applying for jobs all this week. I know right now I am not following what I tell my friends about giving it all the God. I know that he knows what I am going through what is in my heart. I know what I am going to do is say a pray.

Father God thank you for all the blessing you have given me. Thank you for my family and friends. I am coming to you Father God because I am wanting you to take this depression out of my heart and mind, Give me the guidance that I need to overcome this food desire. I know that because I am sitting in the house day in and day out that I am making a way for the devil to play on my emotions. Thank you Father God for the friends that I have meet and communicate with on OH. Thank you for putting the positive people in my life that tell me the turth and not what I want to hear. I know that You have given me this tool to use so that I can be around to help other people that want to go through any type of WLS. I thank YOU. Father God take me in Yours and hug me and show me Your love.
In Your name I pray.

AMEN

It has been 24 days and I am bored out my mind. I guess part of it is because I have shut myself from the world. I have been out the house maybe three times since I have been home and I wonder why I haven't lost anymore weight. I just don't know if I made the right decision because I miss food. In my mind I think that I am okay to eat anything and once I put it in my mouth I am sick to my stomach. I know that I have read other post and this is normal but I don't like feeling this way. I want my band back at least with that when I wanted some chicken and fries it may take me all day to eat but I would have the satisfaction of knowing I could eat it. Now I can't even really drink water much less eat anything, I dont even know why I am not losing more weight since I am not really eating but once a day. Then my husband I don't even know where to begin with him. He just doesn't understand what I am going through. Just because he has to do some house work until I am able to he is crying everyday and I don't want to hear it because I have to do it day in and day out without any help while he sits on the computer and play games. I haven't really told anyone in my family so they really don't understand why I can't really eat. I guess I am a little depressed. I will get over it when I am back at 100% but when will that be. I have no energy I don't want to do anything and I don't want to go anywhere. I have really let myself go. I realized that since I have been married I have changed who I am. At one time I didn't care what anyone thinks or feels about me. When someone would say something I would just think whatever now it seems that everything matters. I pretend that nothing does but it is so untrue.
Well I just wanted to get some feelings off of my chest.

This is happening so fast. It just feels like yesterday I was in the doctors office asking about having a revision now tomorrow I will be having it done. I am so nervous but I have been getting so much support and feedback that Ifeel alot better now than I did about an hour ago. I had to leave work because I couldn't focus on anything. Now I am at my part-time job just chillin. Anyhoo I will keep everyone posted on how I doing. I may even have a friend of mine post for me depending on how I am feeling. I think that I was worried because I had some complications after having the Lap-band surgery and I just don't want to have to go throught it again. Well to all the people that wished me well thank you. 

Have a bless one until I post after surgery

Chastity

June 6 2008

After spending a week in NY I would have thought by now I would be use to the stares. Well I am not.
Yesterday while walkig to the bathroom I almost started to cry becuase it was so painful to walk up and down about five steps. This weight is really killing me. I am so sick and tired of being fat the I just am thinking about straving myself. I am around all of this other ladies that are small and I feel so uncomfortable. They are not making me feel this way but I know that it is just me. I am thinking about contacting my friend and getting a colonic to maybe shed about five pounds. 
I am really worried about getting approved because it seems that VSG isn't something has been around long so alot of insurance companies are not approving this procedure. I have been really thinking about it.
I feel like I am eating myself in a early grave. I know that I shouldn't be thinking about this but I have to be honest with myself and know that if I don't stop this current path that I am on. 

While I was here in NY I have been thinking about my marriage. I don't think that i don't want to be married anymore. I don't really know if I love my husband. Normally when I am away from him I miss him but I didn't call him that whole time that I was here and when he called me I really didn't want to talk to him.
How did I get to this point where I am having trouble sleeping because I believe that my sleep apnea is getting worst. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me because I know that I have a eating disorder. 
Well I guess that this is enough complaining about myself and feeling sorry for myself. I have to get back to the real world and deal with it. 

Chas

I know that it has been awhile since I have posted. I have also been on a website called Sparkpeople. It has a lot of great tools. They have a calorie counter and burner. It is really cool. If anyone gets a chance check it out. There are a lot of different people on this site are trying to lose weight, may have had surgery, or are just there as motivation.
Anyway I just wanted to let everyone know that I am getting my band removed and having a revision to VSG. I have thought long and hard about this but I am going to do this change to help with my weight lose. I don't want to look at it like my band failed me I just want to have a little more help. 
I am a little nervous but hay I have God on my side and I am going to let his will be done.
I want the thank everyone on this site that has given me support and keep me in your prays.

Chas

Okay I really didn't do that well last night. I think that I did ok yesterday. I am still fighting with wanting to eat. Being on the liquids doesn't keep my full. Maybe it is just all in my mind. This morning I had a carnations breakfast shake. I want to eat something but I am trying to be strong and not go out and buy some type of junk. I was thinking about going to get some peanuts but I don't think that will be a good idea either. I will chat more later I am going to use this time to get things off of my mind so that I don't want to go and eat. 

Hi all I know that it has been awhile since I have updated my information. I just got a fill yesterday Sept 18. I am coming to my one year mark and I have not been successful.  When I went to the doctor yesterday the scale said that I am back in the 300's. I was really upset about that but now I just like I know what I have to do.  My fill was 2cc so now I am up to 10.5cc and I can feel the difference. I just hope that it last. I have decided to go to a support group because I need help. I am not really getting th support from home that I thought I should. My husband is always telling me that I don't need to lose any weight and I think that I was starting to listen to him and I didn't think that about getting a fill or eating right. I thought since he loved my the way that I am it didn't matter but it does because my health is the reason that I got ths band in my body. I know now that there is something in my that I am not happy about I just have to figure out what it is. I have to stop turning to the food for comfort.  Since before I hadn't really set any goals for myself I have decided to set one. I am going to lost 10lbs every two months. I am not sure if this is putting to much on myself but I feel I need to be hard on myself in order to get what I want. I wanted to be planning my wedding well renewing my vows next year and I want to wear that white dress. Since that may not be possible I am going to push it back a year and just start over. I deservse a fresh start. I have to be more active with what is going on in my life and not just complain about it. If I don't do anything about it no one else will. I read other peoples blogs and I think that it they can do why can't I. I just can't believe that it is almost been a year. It seems that time goes by so fast. So everybody out there pray for me. I am going to make it this time. I know that it will be hard but everything worth having has to be hard so that you will appreciate it. 

Sweetness

I really have been pigging out. It seems since I can eat anything I have been eating everything. I finally past my test now I just have a new set of test to take. I think that these are going to be easier hopefully. I was a little upset because they hired a new person in my department to be my boss and he is younger than me and he doesn't seem to know what he is doing. I guess that I have to be honest with myself and realize because of the choses that I made in my life I have to deal with stuff like this. Ok getting back to this band. I don't know if I really made the right decision. The reason that I am thinking this way is because I am not losing any weight. I am picking up some of the weight at a slower pace but I want to lose. It is my fault. I am so lazy. My mother tries to make me feel better because I work two jobs and she says that it is understandable that I don't have any energy to exercise. That is just an excuse. I could force myself to wake up earlier in the morning and do my exercise tape. This is a typical day for me I get up at 6:30 am get ready for work. Get to work about 8:00 am-5:00pm. Get home about 6:30 pm start dinner it gets done at 8:00pm eat stay up for an hour get to bed about 10:00 pm. What could I do different. If I had kids I don't know what I would do.I really need to get another part-time job so that I can pay some of my bill off. I am just confused about what I need to do.

Today I took my second bookkeeping test and I failed again. So you know what I want to go and do right now is get my a chocolate cake and ice cream and just go for it. Now I just finished my lunch from yesterday and now I am in a little pain but I still want more. I know that right now there is no way that I can get what I want because I am at work I am just wondering if I am doing to much. I know that there are people out there that are working two jobs and going to school. I can't even work my two jobs and keep the information that I am studying in my brain. I don't want to mope but that is just the way I feel. I have to pay for this test everytime that I take is so at some point I hope that I will pass because $60 is not a little bit of money when I am always broke. I would save money if I would stop eating so much. Again I ask myself why did I get the band if I am not going to make it work for me. I dont' follow any of the rules. I get sidetracked so easily. I am just weak. It is like everyone comes to me for help and advice when I don't even really have a clue about my own life. My brother said that the reason that everyone comes and talks to me is because I am a good listener. I guess that is true. Because I don't really talk that much and at times I wish that people would stop talking to me. What is wrong with this picture. I am at the point where I want to say forget it all and just do whatever but I know that I would be a loser and this one thing that I hate are losers. I know that I have it in me I just have to find it and bring it out. Well I am almost in tears so that means I need to move on.

Sweetness75 AKA Chastity 

I wonder is it possible??? I had my surgery on Sept 27, 2006. TO this date I have gained back ten ppounds that I lost. Part of it is water I know because it is so hard for me to drink. Not that I am drinking anything else. I find that I don't really have the desire to drink anything. I don't want to beat my self up but I have to be honest with myself about the path that I am taking. Last night I have half of a piece of chocolate cake. After I ate it I felt so bad not phyiscally but mentally. I knew that I should not have eaten it but right now I am going through so much with working seven days a week and not really getting the support that I need at home. Everyone wants me to be there for them but I don't have anyone to turn to. I guess it is crazy that I could go the message board with my issue but they seem so small compared to others. Did I make the mistake of getting the band since I am not following the rules. I don't have a restrication at all. I can eat just about anything without any problems. Okay true I have only had two fills but my doctor only gives them every two months. At first when I go I seem tight but after the first week anything goes. Ok I know just because I can eat anything I shouldn't but I don't have the will power. The time something isn't going right I go to food because I don't have to worry about hearing any lip from it. Then I have my friends a work that look at me as if I should be a size 4 by now. They don't say anything but I just feel that they are talking behind my back. Maybe it is just that I am tripping because I know that I am not doing right. I know that I need to get involved with a support group in my area but it doesn't fit into my schedule. 
I get a fill on April 27 I am going to make that my new starting point. I am going to work on going to the gym three days a week. If that means coming to work really early so that I can go after work since my husband is back doing his lawncare business. I don't have to rush home an cook. I am going to start over again and get these ten pounds off and get back to my goal of getting down to 190. I have 99lbs to go. Pray for me

Sweetness AKA Chastity