10 wks until Surgery!

Oct 20, 2011

I am tentatively scheduled for surgery on December 28, 2011. I had to get my name on the books so i could apply for FMLA. I have all the preop testing done (psych, endoscopy, sleep study, fitness, 4/6 nutrition visits). I am very excited and already counting down.

I have been looking at alot of before and after pictures these past 2 days since i registered to OH. I am completely shocked how some people look completely different. There are also quite a few people who had tummy fat but its gone in the after photo and... their tummy is flat, not droopy. I am very concerned about the extra skin that will start to sag everywhere. I already know who i am going to after i reach my goal weight for skin removal, the trick will be insurance coverage and what i have in savings by then. A few of the pictures actually made me choke up and get a little wet in the eyes. I was not expecting that response. I thought a little bit about that yesterday and will continue to try to figure out why i nearly cried when i saw people meet their goal and look so good too. I think that i am scared that it wont work for me, that i will be uglier afterwards. I have been overweight my entire life and so far have pretty firm skin but i am entering the unknown. I wish i knew other people here who have had the same surgery who have been overweight their whole life. I do have one friend but for her she was only overweight as an adult.

On to a different subject.

I have been taking my vitamins regularly (vit d, b12, multi, iron and colace, sertraline and phentermine) i feel so great for the first half to 3/4 of the day, lots of energy but then just after lunch i am dragging on the floor. i am trying to kick the carbonated habit so energy drinks and sodas are out, and coffee gives me the runs. i heard of a monster rehab drink that is not carbonated. i cant wait to try that! i am tired now and will be tired for a few weeks to months after surgery and need need something that will help pick me up.

Practice, Practice, Practice!

I was very discouraged the last nutrition visit i had. i felt overwhelmed and scared. My nutritionist and personal trainer are awesome! they told me that these feelings are normal. I need to view it as practice. I already have proven that i am not perfect, thats why i am there. I will never have a perfect week every week of my life. I can be near perfect or perfect one week and not the next. Its not something to be completely discouraged over. They want to help me practice for post op. This made so much sense to me! Of course if i was able to follow a diet perfectly i wouldnt be 285lbs today and 300lbs at my heaviest. Life isnt about perfection or obsession or addiction. Life is about trying new things, working towards a goal to be a better person and being present right now! Since that last visit, now 2 weeks ago, i have been practicing. Some days are great and others are good but all in all i think i have done really well. I have practiced doing an entire exercise routine 3 days in the last two weeks and plan to do 10 more days before our next meeting. i started out slow and even though i was telling myself to practice i was procrastinating. another really bad habit i am aware that i need to quit. I have been getting in 48-72 oz water every day and eating smaller portions. I have not tried counting calories and protein yet because i wanted to keep practicing smaller portions before i move on to something more detailed.

I am doing really well with small portions and my body is doing good! no headaches! no more bm 3-5 times a day! more cash in my pocket! no more horrible hunger pains! more controlled emotions! decreased emotional eating/binging!

This first blog is really long, this is the first time i have started a blog. I have seen you tube videos and read others blogs but was not convinced i needed to do it myself. The reason i decided to start this blog is to be accountable to myself. I do not have a format for when and what but i promise myself that through this process i will update pictures, scale and non-scale victories. I will also reflect on what i perceive has changed (i.e. relationships, work, life!). I want to have something to look back on when i am at goal or on my way to goal that will remind me of where i was. what my mind was like, what my body felt like.

I have never been skinny, except when i was born (if that counts). When i was 10 years old i could not fit into a junior size 16. this was 15 years ago before they started to make plus size juniors clothes or anything that didnt resemble grandmas wardrobe. I will always remember that day. i was too resilient to let it get me down. i have the best family and friends. I grew up active in sports, church and always doing something with friends or my younger brother. I was not the girl who hid in her room or cried because of her weight. my mom would just take me store to store to find something that made me feel better. I still wore abercrombie and fitch in high school (only the shirts, my bottom was too big). I was not embarrased to wear a swim suit as long as it covered my tummy. i learned growing up that you have to flaunt what you have. and for me that is my booty, or wooty. you can check out the pictures i uploaded. I am so tired of doing that now though.

I am a single mother of a beautiful 5 year old boy. I have met lots of guys who looove my butt but in the end i push them away because i figure and have been trained (unfortunately) to think they are only interested in me because of my wooty. so of course, lots of jealous feelings arise and that is no way to live or to nurture the possibility of love. These are feelings that are not going to change overnight. The surgery is not going to fix this. I know that! This is something that i will continue to work on with my psychologist and probably write about here. I believe some of these feelings are innate in me and others are learned. i want to change the learned feelings and hope to revert the innate feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem.

One thing that i will say to wrap up a completely random blog post is that i cannot wait to wear normal scrubs! I dont want to have to worry about cellulite poking through, tummy or butt flopping out. I just want to comfortably wear scrubs that dont make me look worse than i already am.

Sara

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