utleysmom

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I am up to 163.  That's 8 lbs.  But...I have no one to blame but myself.  I had a rough 2 months back in May and June.  I totally gave up my exercise routine.  (Which, by the way, was quite admirable for me.  cardio 3 times a week, strength training 3 times a week, and walking 2 miles 5 days a week)  I have not tracked any food or exercised regularly all summer.  I tried so hard from January to April to loose one more pound that I simply lost sight of the big picture.  I tried everything everyone suggested and nothing worked.  I think 155 it for me.  I have come a long way.  But, I still dream of those last 30 lbs.  Now that September is here and school is back in session, I can establish a daily routine and get back into some better habits.  Goals for September:  

64 oz of water a day
all vitamins
50 - 60 grams of protein
control portions
6 small meals a day
no sweets
no bad carbs
exercise 3 days a week at the gym 
Weigh 158 by 9/30 and to loose 2 inches in my pudgy waist

Good Luck me!

I still can't get below 155.  I have bouts of seriously beating myself up for not doing whatever it takes to make this number move.  Although, I believe I'm doing everything possible.  I've gotten some really good advice on the main board and I try to keep all that in my head.  But, the bad thoughts still pour in on some days.  Today is one of those days.  I did join the gym.  Go me!  I constantly re-evaluate everything I am doing.  Am I eating too much/too little?  Am I eating too many carbs?  Carbs are a source of MAJOR confusion for me.  My NUT says it's ok to eat 15 carbs per meal.  Some days I eat about 70 carbs.  I think this could be my problem.  They are not the bad carbs.  They come from beans, milk, and yogurt.  The stuff adds up.  I really wonder if this is the culprit.  I want to cut out all carbs, but people say I need them for energy to exercise.  What to do.  What to do.  I just can't seem to find the right combo to make the scales move.  I am getting healthier with all the exercising and my clothes are fitting looser.  I know, I know.  Muscle weighs more than fat.  But at some point in time, the lbs should come off.  Everytime I read on here about somebody else who got to a normal BMI, it really makes me so disappointed in myself.  Why not me?  I know.  Don't focus on the number.  (Say all the people who are size 4's and at a NORMAL BMI.)  I have not lost one lb. in two months.  I am only 10 months out and I feel like there should be more.  I know grief is a process and I think I am just moving through the grieving stages because I am morning the loss of no longer loosing weight.  I hope to move past this because I hate being depressed.  I want this so badly, I focus on it way more than I need to. All I know is that I can't take the stress.  It's bringing me down and making me weak.  I hope to feel better tomorrow.  I am doing a class at the gym and that makes me feel strong.     

Okay...I've taken 11 days off.  I've eaten what I wanted.  I had cake, pie, nutty bars, black tie tuxedo cheesecake, carbs carbs and more carbs, coke, wine, whatever I wanted I ate it.  I didn't really gorge.  I can't.  My stomach is too small.  Thank God.  I have not been on the tread mill since Christmas Day.  I don't really feel guilty.  I did not gain any weight.  But, I have really gotten off the protein track.  I'm still drinking my water.  I just really needed some time off.  It is so hard to get back on track.  But, I want to weigh 140 by June.  In the back of my mind, I feel like my body will weigh no less than 155.  So, I have possible already failed before I even try.  However, I am going to give it 6 more months of the best effort I have.  My goals:

Drink 64 oz of water each day.
Take all my vitamins.
Eat 50 - 60 grams of protein a day.
Eat 6 small meals a day.
Eat 20 or less grams of carbs per meal only if I can want them.
Stop grazing.
Aviod hard candy.
Walk/Run 2 miles a day 5 days a week.
Add in some other type of excercise 3 days a week.
Avoid all sweets and bad carbs until 1/31/09.
Weight 154 by 1/31/09.
Give it all I've got.
I can do this. 

I just hope my body will allow the last 22 lbs and I'm not sabotaging myself.

This is a new year and I need to finalize this weight loss chapter and move into maintenance at 140 lbs for life.

I love me and I will continue to love me and be my best self for 2010.

At last!  Weight loss again.  I was down to 159 on Monday.  Woo Hoo.  By Friday the scales had dropped to 157.  I think that is the most I have lost in a long time.  3 lbs in a week.  I think I am addicted to loosing weight.  I'm not happy unless the scales are dropping.  I guess I will have to reconcile that addiction too.  I can't stand the stalls.  I miserable the whole time.  I guess it's because I'm not at my goal yet and I would hate to stop loosing weight before I got to goal.  I've come to far to stop just shy of the finish line. 

I can't stand it.  I can't get below 160.  No matter what I do.  I'm eating more protein.  I've increased the intensity of my exercise.  I run and walk now.  I am so scared I will not loose anymore weight.  I read all the posts on OH about everyone wearing size 4's, 6's, smalls, and mediums.  I see how everyone looses 120 and 130 lbs.  I read how they lost steadily for a year or more.  I can't even get to 100 lbs.  97 is the closest most I've lost.  I am so envious.  I want this so badly for myself.  I am stressing too much.  I had my six months visit and my surgeon says to forget it.  He says I've accomplished my goals.  I no longer have health problems and I have lost 65% of my excess weight.  Don't focus on a number he says.  But, I weigh 160.  My BMI is 29.4 (finally made it to overweight...no longer obese...on a happy note).  I want to weigh 136 and have a normal BMI.  136 is the most I can weight at 5'2" and have a normal BMI of 24.9.  I am eating so much more now than I was several months ago.  It seem like so much more now.  Is this why I can't loose weight.  I am supposed to be eating 3/4 cup each time I eat.  I can actually eat a little more.  I have to eat 50 - 60 grams of protein now.  I have to get it all from food.  I would rather not eat.  It just makes me want to eat more.  I have started to have really bad head hunger now too.  I want to eat all the time, but I am never hungry.  I honestly think it is because I am so obsessed with loosing 20 more lbs.  I can't figure it out.  The surgeon and his nurse told me to just relax and see what the next 6 months brings.   But, I can't get this off my mind.  Why can't I loose?  Why are the scales stuck?  I want one of these 7 - 8 lb runs like I was getting several months ago.  I swear I am addicted to the high I get from loosing and I can't get it back.  I can't stop eating  because that will make me unhealthy.  I don't know what to do.  Everyone says excercise more.  I can't make myself.  Is exercise the only thing standing between me and my goal weight?  I just can't believe that.  2 miles in 30 minutes 5 times a week should be enough to keep me loosing.  What do I do and how do I do it?  I feel like I have done something wrong.  I feel like this my fault.  I even feel like I have failed.  I've come so far, but to stop 24 lbs short of my goal seems like such a tragedy to me.  It is just so unfair and I am so discuraged. 

I can't believe this stall.  165 166 167 166 165 165 165 166 165.  I hate it.  I refuse to believe I have stopped loosing.  I have 30 more lbs to go.  I've increased exercise to 2 miles a day.  I burn 300 calories a day.  I maybe eat 1000 calories a day.  That's a net of 700 calories.  How can I not be loosing weight.  I drink 64 oz of water a day.  I eat 40 - 50 grams to protein a day.  I just don'y get it.  Something has to give.

I've lost my way.  I am so scared and unsure.  Have I stretched my pouch?  Have I ruined my surgery?  Why do I always do this to myself.  I experience success, then I blow it.  I am relying on willpower now.  I want food.  I want food.  I want food.  I'm not hungry though.  Up until now, I could walk away from the bad stuff.  It's been easy.  All of a sudden, I can't turn it down.  I've been eating hard candy with sugar in it and breakfast bars with sugar in it.  I've eaten a couple of friend chicken tenders.  I've bitten a hot dog.  I ate a couple of Bugles.  Why would I sabotage all my efforts?  I'm worrying myself to death and stressing myself out too much.  I don't think I like my job very much.  I'm bored.  I need more of a challenge.  I'm worried about my Mom.  I'm scared she is going to die.  She is my best friend.  I need her in my life.  The reality is she will die.  She is 80 and she is not going to live forever.  I really wonder how in the world I will make it without her.  My co-worker's father died suddenly this weekend in the same way that my father died 15 years ago.  It has hit really close to home.  I feel such pain for her because I have been there.  It reminds me of how every day counts and that nothing is guaranteed.  I have to make every minute with my Mom count.  I put this pressure on myself.  I need better coping skills.  Instead I am turning to my old friend FOOD to numb myself from all these things that bother me so.  My weight loss has slowed and it makes me feel like a failure.  I've lost 90 lbs, but only 55 of that has been since surgery.  I feel like I should have lost more in 6 months.  My doctor says I'm doing fine.  I'm so scared and worried.  I actually binged today.  It's hard with such a small stomach, but I did it.  I wish I would have made better choices.  Now I am over full and unhappy with myself.  I hope I can break the cycle before it's too late.     

I got down to 181.  I was so excited.  Two lbs. would put me at an even 80 total lost.  Then, I got on the scales on Thrusday and I was up to 184.5.  I was so mad.  I couldn't believe it.  I ate perfectly and did my 2 miles every day.  BAM!  3.5 gained just like that.  I thought it would go away quickly.  I weighed on Monday morning.  Nope, still there. I do fluctuate by a pound or to, but 3.5.  AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!  It's sooooo frustrating.  How can you gain weight when you only net about 800 calories a day?  It's just not logical.  But when I really think about it, my weight was never logical anyway.  So now I have to re-lose those 3.5.  It's unmotivating too.  I start thinking, what's the use.  I'll just eat what I want and quit exercising.  But I catch myself because that is the defeatist attitude I used to have.  I have to remember that this takes time and one setback does not equal total failure.  So I am taking deep breaths and staying off the scales until Friday. 

I am getting lots of compliments the days. I'm getting called skinny and skinnie minnie.  I am being told I look great.    Someone actually called me beautiful.  There are lots of comments about me melting away, getting thin and wasting away.  Everyone is always asking how much weight I've lost.  I have also been accused of letting it go to my head and thinking I was a hottie.  (I didn't think there were 43 year old hotties...haha)  Before I lost weight, I always gracefully accepted any compliment.  However, these days I find it hard.  I still feel like the same old me.  I don't want the attention or the conversation to focus on me.  I get embarrassed and it puts me on edge.  Then there is always, if you loose anymore there will not be anything left.  I just want to yell, "People, I weight 183 lbs and I am 5'2"  I'm still square.  I need to loose 40 more lbs and find some curves.  I am a long way from my goal.  "  I know everone means well and I am thankful for friends who notice my changes.  But, being in the limelight is unfamiliar territory and I wish the novelty would wear off.  I actually expend extra energy in trying not to get noticed.  Who knew this would ever be a problem?             

I may be a little slack on some things and I am having a lot of mixed up gulity feelings about why I may be loosing too slowly.

Sometimes I eat more than 1/4 - 1/2 cup times like when I eat a small Wendy's chili.  That has 14 grams of protein in it.  I don't feel too full.  I feel like I need to protein.  I try to eat as much as I can at meal time so I can get as much protein as possible.  I have to get it all from food.  No protein shakes allowed.  Am I justifying eating too much with this logic?

By now I should be walking 2 miles a day according to Dr. Pender.  But, my average is 1 to 1 1/2 miles and I walk this 5 days a week.  I am unmotivated when it comes to exercise.  I am usually too tired and my bones hurt.  I have to talk myself into it.  When I finish, I do feel better.    

I eat a lot of sugar free popsicles.  I eat about 12 single popsicles a day.  They count as fluid, but are they slowing me down?  

I don't always take 30 minutes to eat and sometimes I only wait 20 minutes before I drink after I eat.

Do I have get more disciplined?  I am not motivated to change any of the above habits above, because I feel like I do what I can and that should be enough.   But, if changing any of these things make my weight loss go faster, what am I waiting for?  I keep overanalyzing everything and it's driving me crazy.