beccabecca66
Struggling with 'issues'
Dec 17, 2010
Physically, I'm doing fine. I'm getting in all my protein, eating the way I'm supposed to, drinking all my fluids, even keeping up on regular exercise.
This should make me happy that I'm building a good foundation for my future.
But the mental and emotional pain that I'm dealing with is almost overwhelming. I didn't realize how much I used food to self soothe. Sometimes I'll be driving on the highway and go past the exits with all the fast food and start to have a mini anxiety attack at the thought that I can't stop at any of them. I don't even have to be having a strong emotion (sad, anger, upset) to be panicked that I can't eat. And that makes me want to eat junk food even more.
But, I get home and go back to my 3 meals a day with two snacks of milk.
It still doesn't ease the need inside of me to soothe myself with food. Rather than having that crutch, I simply have to deal with the hard emotion. I've been trying to come up with ideas of what to do that don't cost a lot of money. I've been using scented lotion and burning candles and incense. Trying mindfulness techniques. Dang, it's hard! Much easier to down a double cheeseburger.
And most of all, no one really understands what i'm going through. No one in my real life, that is. I go to the support groups, but they seem to focus on all the good things about the surgery. No one will admit to the mental hell that they went through until they adjusted. Or maybe they still haven't adjusted. I don't know.
I find myself more irritable and more judgmental than ever. I can't stand people. I think they are all dumbasses that don't know how to live their life. I have all the answers to their problems. Thankfully, I've kept all these thoughts to myself, or I'd alienate people even further than they are from the surgery.
I don't have a real point. Other than to say, "I HURT INSIDE!"
0 comments
This should make me happy that I'm building a good foundation for my future.
But the mental and emotional pain that I'm dealing with is almost overwhelming. I didn't realize how much I used food to self soothe. Sometimes I'll be driving on the highway and go past the exits with all the fast food and start to have a mini anxiety attack at the thought that I can't stop at any of them. I don't even have to be having a strong emotion (sad, anger, upset) to be panicked that I can't eat. And that makes me want to eat junk food even more.
But, I get home and go back to my 3 meals a day with two snacks of milk.
It still doesn't ease the need inside of me to soothe myself with food. Rather than having that crutch, I simply have to deal with the hard emotion. I've been trying to come up with ideas of what to do that don't cost a lot of money. I've been using scented lotion and burning candles and incense. Trying mindfulness techniques. Dang, it's hard! Much easier to down a double cheeseburger.
And most of all, no one really understands what i'm going through. No one in my real life, that is. I go to the support groups, but they seem to focus on all the good things about the surgery. No one will admit to the mental hell that they went through until they adjusted. Or maybe they still haven't adjusted. I don't know.
I find myself more irritable and more judgmental than ever. I can't stand people. I think they are all dumbasses that don't know how to live their life. I have all the answers to their problems. Thankfully, I've kept all these thoughts to myself, or I'd alienate people even further than they are from the surgery.
I don't have a real point. Other than to say, "I HURT INSIDE!"
Brainless Monkey
Dec 09, 2010
I don't remember where I read it on OH, but someone said something about even a brainless monkey could lose weight in the first 6 months.
I'm not a monkey, nor brainless. I'm not lazy. I work hard to lose what I do lose. I eat right, i exercise daily. Sure, maybe the pounds come off quicker and easier in the first 6 months. But why insult the changes we've made?
I can't get this thought out of my head. I feel like giving up because apparently, it doesn't matter what I do, I'll still lose weight. Why do i bother sweating my ass off in the cold, or on the dreaded treadmill? Why do I carefully plan my meals so that I get enough protein? Why do I work on my mind so that I'm getting better every day?
I wonder if the person who said this is struggling. I wonder if they can't get with the program. I think about all the excuses I can make for them. But then I think WTF? I've made excuses for people all my life. I have a right to be angry. I have a right to be hurt. I have a right to all my feelings.
Most of all, I hope that I never dismiss the hard work that anyone who has had surgery is putting into improving their life.
------
I'm having some head issues. I'm not in a good place mentally. I am struggling. It might be a medication issue (bipolar), or it might be some post surgery let down and blues. In any case, I don't like it. It's hard to deal with these moods and feelings without food to cope. I drive past fast food places and wish i could binge. Exercise is a great coping tool, but to me, its not soothing. I'm competitive with myself. This is good for challenging self and raising energy levels. But i have to find a coping tool that matches the mood i'm in. Everything I think of doing involves spending money that I don't have. I guess I'll have to settle for a warm shower.
0 comments
I'm not a monkey, nor brainless. I'm not lazy. I work hard to lose what I do lose. I eat right, i exercise daily. Sure, maybe the pounds come off quicker and easier in the first 6 months. But why insult the changes we've made?
I can't get this thought out of my head. I feel like giving up because apparently, it doesn't matter what I do, I'll still lose weight. Why do i bother sweating my ass off in the cold, or on the dreaded treadmill? Why do I carefully plan my meals so that I get enough protein? Why do I work on my mind so that I'm getting better every day?
I wonder if the person who said this is struggling. I wonder if they can't get with the program. I think about all the excuses I can make for them. But then I think WTF? I've made excuses for people all my life. I have a right to be angry. I have a right to be hurt. I have a right to all my feelings.
Most of all, I hope that I never dismiss the hard work that anyone who has had surgery is putting into improving their life.
------
I'm having some head issues. I'm not in a good place mentally. I am struggling. It might be a medication issue (bipolar), or it might be some post surgery let down and blues. In any case, I don't like it. It's hard to deal with these moods and feelings without food to cope. I drive past fast food places and wish i could binge. Exercise is a great coping tool, but to me, its not soothing. I'm competitive with myself. This is good for challenging self and raising energy levels. But i have to find a coping tool that matches the mood i'm in. Everything I think of doing involves spending money that I don't have. I guess I'll have to settle for a warm shower.
Vitamins and Pills and more Pills
Dec 04, 2010
I had my 1 month follow up with the nurse practitioner this past week. She gave me the go ahead to stop crushing my pills and take them whole. She suggested that I take each pill 5 minutes apart until I knew how my stomach would handle them. I was so excited to give up crushing my meds. That was a huge pain in the ass.
That was the good news. The 'bad' news is that she gave me the list of vitamins that I am to start taking. I have so many bottles in front of me...its almost overwhelming. I thought I had a pretty good routine down before. But now I'm really gonna have to schedule things out. The list of meds and vitamins:
Calcium Citrate + D-one pill twice a day
Iron (Ferrous Gluconate)- once a day
Vitamin D - twice a week
Vitamin B12 - once a day
Ursodiol (for the gall bladder)- twice a day
Abilify- once a day
Trileptal- once a day
Cymbalta- once a day
Lamictal- once a day
Multivitamin- twice a day
Phew, I think thats it. so, five minutes per pill, some twice a day... I think i need a whole hour dedicated to meds. And I can't forget drinking my water/crystal light. And milk twice a day. And did I get enough protein in today? What about an hour of exercise? And they say this is the easy way out. Ha!
Sybl Partridge wrote a poem called "Just for Today." One line in the poem is "Just for today, i will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life."
I can't forget the greater picture of my life. Even with all the activity and tasks surrounding the surgery and upkeep of the surgery, I need to take some time just for me to collect who I am and gather inner peace. So yes, I have to worry about eating, exercising, meds, fluids, bipolar, etc... but I also need to worry about my psyche and wellbeing.
0 comments
That was the good news. The 'bad' news is that she gave me the list of vitamins that I am to start taking. I have so many bottles in front of me...its almost overwhelming. I thought I had a pretty good routine down before. But now I'm really gonna have to schedule things out. The list of meds and vitamins:
Calcium Citrate + D-one pill twice a day
Iron (Ferrous Gluconate)- once a day
Vitamin D - twice a week
Vitamin B12 - once a day
Ursodiol (for the gall bladder)- twice a day
Abilify- once a day
Trileptal- once a day
Cymbalta- once a day
Lamictal- once a day
Multivitamin- twice a day
Phew, I think thats it. so, five minutes per pill, some twice a day... I think i need a whole hour dedicated to meds. And I can't forget drinking my water/crystal light. And milk twice a day. And did I get enough protein in today? What about an hour of exercise? And they say this is the easy way out. Ha!
Sybl Partridge wrote a poem called "Just for Today." One line in the poem is "Just for today, i will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life."
I can't forget the greater picture of my life. Even with all the activity and tasks surrounding the surgery and upkeep of the surgery, I need to take some time just for me to collect who I am and gather inner peace. So yes, I have to worry about eating, exercising, meds, fluids, bipolar, etc... but I also need to worry about my psyche and wellbeing.
Phew, Thanksgiving dinner is over!
Nov 25, 2010
I'm so glad that I'm done for the year. Let's hope next year is better.
I probably ate 5 tablespoons of food, yet what i chose to put in those 5 tablespoons disturbed my mom. I feel like no matter what I do, it'll never be good enough for her. I brought dessert-- a sugar free recipe i got here on obesity help. i took two bites of it and it might as well have been the end of the world.
Before I went, i prepped my mom so she wouldn't worry about how much i was eating (or not eating). I guess i did too well because i she was appalled at how much i ate. Not only was it too much, but it was the wrong food, and in the wrong order. I had a 1/2 cup of coffee after dinner. Well, doing that just proved to my mom that I'm gonna fail, i'm gonna gain back all my weight, that i wasted time, and effort and emotional energy on this surgery.
I came back and added up what i ate. it was well under 150 calories. That isn't much at all. This dinner helped me to see maybe where some of my weight issues come from. I guess i'll have to talk to the therapist about it.
Weekly Weigh-In
Nov 21, 2010
I've decided that Monday will be my official weigh-in day each week. I almost cheated and did it on Sunday, but realized that it was later in the day and I surely had some extra weight on from drinking and eating.
So, this morning... bright and early... after peeing... i got on the scale and i'm down 4 pounds. This is a perfect number for me. I am anxious to lose weight, but i don't want to go too quickly. Already, i'm having some body image issues. At my heavier weight, i was okay with how i looked. I thought i was sexy and womanly. Now that the weight is coming off, I know for sure that I was heavy, unattractive, and gross. And I have so much to go yet.
And, speaking of bright and early...I am finding that I need much less sleep than before. Living life at my heaviest was a chore, and I'd easily need 10 hours of sleep per day. Now, I can hardly stay in bed for more than 8 hours. It feels good to have so much energy. And having those 2 extra hours in my waking day gives me no excuse for skipping working out for an hour. No excuse.!
I've been good at keeping to the hour work out except for Saturday. Weekends are harder for me because its a break in the routine. I'll overcome it with some extra effort.
2 comments
So, this morning... bright and early... after peeing... i got on the scale and i'm down 4 pounds. This is a perfect number for me. I am anxious to lose weight, but i don't want to go too quickly. Already, i'm having some body image issues. At my heavier weight, i was okay with how i looked. I thought i was sexy and womanly. Now that the weight is coming off, I know for sure that I was heavy, unattractive, and gross. And I have so much to go yet.
And, speaking of bright and early...I am finding that I need much less sleep than before. Living life at my heaviest was a chore, and I'd easily need 10 hours of sleep per day. Now, I can hardly stay in bed for more than 8 hours. It feels good to have so much energy. And having those 2 extra hours in my waking day gives me no excuse for skipping working out for an hour. No excuse.!
I've been good at keeping to the hour work out except for Saturday. Weekends are harder for me because its a break in the routine. I'll overcome it with some extra effort.
Two weeks out
Nov 15, 2010
Saw my surgeon today for my two week check up- my first checkup since surgery. He and his nurse were very happy with what i was eating and that my food diaries were so complete. This made me beam. I always have been good at paperwork lol.
I'm down 13 pounds. About a pound a day which he said was very normal. Now he wants it to slow down some so that my body can adjust a little more. He increased my water intake to 80 oz a day, and protein to 70-75 mg a day. I'll reach the water goal with no problem. I probably drink that much already. The only way I see that I can increase protein right now is to supplement with powdered milk in things like my greek yogurt and milk. He doesn't believe in protein powders or drinks.
I forgot to ask some of my questions that I had. I know people were telling me to write them down, but of course I didn't, thinking I would remember. But he had so many questions of me and rushed me through the visit, it seemed, so I forgot my questions when he asked me straight out what questions I had. The only thing i remembered to ask was, "Which hole did the camera go in?" lol. silly me.
I can progress to food that can be broken down with a fork. This is good news as thanksgiving is coming up and now i don't have to put my turkey in the blender lol. I was eating out with my sister today- making sure to chew everything as much as i could, and then 30 more after that. She was concerned that I'm not eating enough. I know that if she's thinking that, my other family will worry about that too. If there's anything I don't want, its to draw attention to what I'm eating (or not eating). Everyone seems to have advice about what I can eat and what I can't eat. Drives me crazy. Where were they pre surgery when i could have used some guidance about what 'full' meant?
I know people have good intentions, so I mostly just smile and nod and say, "What a good idea!" It helps to vent it out here. I don't want to take it out on them.
--Becca
1 comment
I'm down 13 pounds. About a pound a day which he said was very normal. Now he wants it to slow down some so that my body can adjust a little more. He increased my water intake to 80 oz a day, and protein to 70-75 mg a day. I'll reach the water goal with no problem. I probably drink that much already. The only way I see that I can increase protein right now is to supplement with powdered milk in things like my greek yogurt and milk. He doesn't believe in protein powders or drinks.
I forgot to ask some of my questions that I had. I know people were telling me to write them down, but of course I didn't, thinking I would remember. But he had so many questions of me and rushed me through the visit, it seemed, so I forgot my questions when he asked me straight out what questions I had. The only thing i remembered to ask was, "Which hole did the camera go in?" lol. silly me.
I can progress to food that can be broken down with a fork. This is good news as thanksgiving is coming up and now i don't have to put my turkey in the blender lol. I was eating out with my sister today- making sure to chew everything as much as i could, and then 30 more after that. She was concerned that I'm not eating enough. I know that if she's thinking that, my other family will worry about that too. If there's anything I don't want, its to draw attention to what I'm eating (or not eating). Everyone seems to have advice about what I can eat and what I can't eat. Drives me crazy. Where were they pre surgery when i could have used some guidance about what 'full' meant?
I know people have good intentions, so I mostly just smile and nod and say, "What a good idea!" It helps to vent it out here. I don't want to take it out on them.
--Becca
6 days out
Nov 08, 2010
Its 6, almost 7 days since my surgery. I won't say I'm feeling "fantastic," but i'm off my pain meds and I'm eating just fine. Haven't puked yet! I walk 20 minutes at a time, 3 times a day adding up to an hour as the surgeon suggested. I just added milk to my regime. No problems so far with the heaviness or gas that they said might happen.
I was most surprised at the amount of weight I gained in the hospital. I was only there for 3 days and put on 14 pounds of fluid weight. I have lost all or most of that since being home. I still have some swelling and tenderness on my abdomen, but nothing unmanageable.
My sister took a couple days off of work to work with me on creating my new routine. Up at 7 am to get some fluids in right away, and then eat at 8 or 8:30. The exercise doesn't have a specific time set yet, but generally one walk in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one in the evening with my sister.
I'm so tired all the time. My legs feel heavy and weary when i walk, but i know this is important, so i push on. I generally have to nap once or twice in the day, but I try to limit that so that i have as many hours to get my fluids in as possible.
Am I happy I did it? Well, I had a rough start and the hospital stay was pretty uncomfortable. I can't say for sure if i'm happy i did it or not. I'm off my diabetes and blood pressure meds, so as far as being healthy, i feel better. Maybe after pounds start coming off i'll feel better about it.
--Becca
2 comments
I was most surprised at the amount of weight I gained in the hospital. I was only there for 3 days and put on 14 pounds of fluid weight. I have lost all or most of that since being home. I still have some swelling and tenderness on my abdomen, but nothing unmanageable.
My sister took a couple days off of work to work with me on creating my new routine. Up at 7 am to get some fluids in right away, and then eat at 8 or 8:30. The exercise doesn't have a specific time set yet, but generally one walk in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one in the evening with my sister.
I'm so tired all the time. My legs feel heavy and weary when i walk, but i know this is important, so i push on. I generally have to nap once or twice in the day, but I try to limit that so that i have as many hours to get my fluids in as possible.
Am I happy I did it? Well, I had a rough start and the hospital stay was pretty uncomfortable. I can't say for sure if i'm happy i did it or not. I'm off my diabetes and blood pressure meds, so as far as being healthy, i feel better. Maybe after pounds start coming off i'll feel better about it.
--Becca
One more week
Oct 26, 2010
Next week Tuesday is my surgery. Yesterday was all the presurgery admission testing and meeting with the anesthesiologist. It was so 'real' and i was feeling a lot of pressure and stress.
I'm very ashamed of myself. I did the 'last meal' thinking and bought a bag of salty and sour chips, a candy bar, and two double cheeseburgers. I ate it all. I was so sickly full and miserable at night. Not only for being overly full, but for giving in so easily to urges for junk food. I've been doing so well these past three weeks, working hard to eat right to shrink my liver enough so that he doesn't have to do an open surgery.
But today is a new day, and I can't linger on the bad thoughts of yesterday. I got up, had my breakfast, and went for my walk. It was incredibly windy, and the sky threatened rain. But by the end of the walk, the wind had blown away the rain clouds and the sun came out. It must be a sign. Things will be okay.
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I'm very ashamed of myself. I did the 'last meal' thinking and bought a bag of salty and sour chips, a candy bar, and two double cheeseburgers. I ate it all. I was so sickly full and miserable at night. Not only for being overly full, but for giving in so easily to urges for junk food. I've been doing so well these past three weeks, working hard to eat right to shrink my liver enough so that he doesn't have to do an open surgery.
But today is a new day, and I can't linger on the bad thoughts of yesterday. I got up, had my breakfast, and went for my walk. It was incredibly windy, and the sky threatened rain. But by the end of the walk, the wind had blown away the rain clouds and the sun came out. It must be a sign. Things will be okay.
Presurgery goal weight
Oct 08, 2010
Surgeon suggested that I lose 25 pounds from that day. I was at 380 that day at his office.
Well, I finally made it down that 25 pounds. Now my next goal is to be down to 344 by the day of my surgery... which is less than a month away. I think i can do it by following the presurgery diet. If I make it, it means that I have lost 50 pounds on my own from my highest weight at the start of this journey I'll be so proud of myself.
--me
1 comment
Well, I finally made it down that 25 pounds. Now my next goal is to be down to 344 by the day of my surgery... which is less than a month away. I think i can do it by following the presurgery diet. If I make it, it means that I have lost 50 pounds on my own from my highest weight at the start of this journey I'll be so proud of myself.
--me
Finally, approved!
Sep 02, 2010
Yay, it finally happened. I finished all my pre surgery requirements and insurance approved me after reviewing 93 pages of medical records and 6 days.
Now, i guess i wait for the nurse to call me to schedule the surgery, which i'm told will be about 4-6 weeks out. I have so much to do this fall--but it will all take second fiddle to this. i'm probably going to miss out on a conference in Anaheim, California that i wanted to go to. But in the scheme of things, that is trivial.
--me
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Now, i guess i wait for the nurse to call me to schedule the surgery, which i'm told will be about 4-6 weeks out. I have so much to do this fall--but it will all take second fiddle to this. i'm probably going to miss out on a conference in Anaheim, California that i wanted to go to. But in the scheme of things, that is trivial.
--me
