Feeling Ashamed

Nov 18, 2019

Well, it's been a long time but I'm back.  I had a very rough summer and fall and have been struggling with depression and anxiety.  I gained a lot of weight back and now weigh 235.5 Ibs.  At my low weight I was 168.  My highest recorded weight before surgery was 303.  I've been totally off the rails and eating carbs and sugars.

Every day for the past month I've started off strong and have been eating high protein low carb all day long. Then night time falls and it's like a switch flicks in my brain and I become someone else; someone who doesn't care. And I eat.  

Last night I made it until 2 AM before I messed up and went downstairs to eat cereal.

I know my mental health is doing this to me.  I'm not happy and I'm eating my feelings.  

The only good thing I did all summer was keep up with my exercise. I put hundreds of kilometers on my bike. I did a lot of walking in the fall.  But snow has been on the ground for over 2 weeks; over 2 feet of snow, and I've become sedentary.  I need to get on my exercise bike or walk or swim or something.  

I feel like a big failure. 

(edit)

OK, so now a few hours have gone by since I wrote that and I am feeling better. I've lost the weight before and I can do it again.  

I'm still able to fit into my sie 12 pants, but I've gone up 2 sizes in tops.  I think my bottom half stayed smaller from all of the bike riding and walking, maybe? I don't know. 

I went to the store after I wrote this first half of the blog, and bought some almond flour and coconut flour.  I only had some protein shake and decaf coffee so far today and it's 5 PM.  I'm not hungry. I'm drinking my water, and I'm going to make a big pot of chicken broth later so I can have it tomorrow.  Today I'm going to just have protein shake, tea and decaf, and maybe some plain greek yogurt with 1/4 blueberries, or maybe some cottage cheese. I lost 135 Ibs eating yogurt and blueberries, cottage cheese, and protein shakes.  They were my staples for a long time. Maybe if I do a few days of eating soft foods, it will reset my pouch.  

I was thinking of keto but I didn't do keto while i was losing weight, i did low carb high protein. I was afraid of all of the fat in keto, and also all of the calories.

I'm going to try that 90 second keto microwave bread and the cloud bread when I want something bready, to keep down the carbs.  

I can do this.

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