stormechaser

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So here it is NINE WEEKS since the scale moved. I am ready to slit my wrists. LOL, just kidding. I have had some more NSV's that are keeping me semi-sane.

I can wear a pair of size 22WP jeans. That's amazing. I think that's where I was when I graduated high school. I know  that I wore a size 18 at 200 lbs. I remember that from age 13. I hope to get back there soon.

I know 71lbs  is a HUGE loss. But I am greedy and I want more! I really wanted to make goal weight by October. I don't see that hapening. But who knows.  

I find myself  wishing I'd had RNY. I also think about joining weight watchers, nutrisystems and other various things. I guess its safe to say I am in a "diet mentalitty" frame of mind. That's not too healtthy.

And to think, I was almost loving my VSG. Now I am just plain pissed off at the whole thing. 

Its been just over seven weeks since tthe scale moved for me. I am so frustrated I could scream. The NSV's have stopped as well. If fact, I almost feel fat again. I am loosing the euphoric feelings of the pounds melting away. And I am both pissed and scared.

I talked to Susan and she said to aim b/t 1000-1200 calories a day. Don't sweat the carbs as long as I make sure they  are in the form of fruits/veggies/whole grains. And tto push the 64 oz. of water. I am sucking at all of these.

So, here I am trying yet again to take control of my tool. 

But I really think this stall is in my metabolism's control. I have had a bad stretch of days where I grazed and it didn't move and then a good stretch of days....and itt didn't move. It makes me feel a bit less responsible which is a good thing. I was starting to feel like a major VSG failure. Like, why can so many others breeze thru this and I am fucking it up left and right???

Well, att leastt my period is on time. PCOS seems tto be resolving itself in that form. I can deal with the facial hair since my curse is occurring naturally. Small miracles...I take 'em where I can get 'em.

Ah, well...enough bitching for now. I am off to calculate a day of eatting 3 meals and 3 snacks. And ttry to keep them under 1200 calories. Yea, good luck, right?

...of my sleeve--for the second time this year.

VSG isn't hard. Its such a great tool. I do like it very much. What I hate at the moment is my compulsive overeating. I have struggled for years with this issue...and its still a daily problem.

When I loose that full feeling, usually after an hour or so, I feel the need to get it again. It doesn't matter that my tummy is tiny now. I still have the problem. It goes w/o saying that I eat less at a time now. I try to snack on good stuff...organic carrots and pretzels. I have all kinds of good stuff in my house. But I hate that I cannot overcome this. 

I am waiting on a counseling appt. anytime now. I went thru intake and now they are going to assign me a person. I know I need to work on this. But I am frustrated to tears at the fact I cannot seem to loose any more weight. I keep thinking "I paid 10,000 to loose 70lbs!!!" 

I know better. Really, I do. I understand that stalls are common and can go on for great lenghts. I understand that the more I workout--and I walk almost everyday--I will replace fat weight with muscle weight. I know inches are falling off of me. But that damn scale.....and my g-damn obsession with it.

But another fact is that I have no idea where I am suppposed to be at in terms of intake. Three months ago I was eating 800-1000 calories. I was good at that. Now, it takes more to make me feel full. I eat around 1300-1500 calories and feel like a pig. I guess I need nutrition help too.

I had to vent this b/c I have had enough. I have a new plan.

*I am going to religiously use the daily plate
*I am going to get an appt. with a nutritionist
*I am going to continue to walk and exercise
*I am going to see a doctor abut my eating issues

I hope these steps will get me back on track. Because, some days, I feel like I never had surgery at all...and I feel as hopeless as I used to.

Yes, not only am I an addict of food....apparently now I am addicted to the scale as well....

I remember in the beggining when I was barely eating that the weight would just dissapear. And then I complained that my clothes were still fitting. 

Now, I am into week 5 of a stall and my clothes are super loose. I recently bought a pair of size 24WP jeans at walmart. They fit pretty darn good. Withing 10 days, they are loose to the point of needing pulled up as I walk. Yet, no weight is coming off. 

I am a paradox of pissy-ness currently. 

I mean, I feel good. I am starting to believe I look good. I bought a size 20WP pair of jeans from the thrift store and will prolly be into them by next month. Yet, all I think about is that damn number on  my scale. It effing sucks.

I get so much support here.  I really do. But I just don't understand myself much. I am waiting on a counseling appt. to address my life issues. And there are many, believe me. 

I have fallen into the habit of grazing. Its a very  hard habit to break. I am logging my food into the Daily Plate.  I didn't like it at first, but now I do. I eat upwards of 1300-1500 cals a day. I have no idea where I should be at as I near my 6 months out date. 

If I had any complaints about going to Dr. Alvarez, this would be the biggest one. I feel lost as far as follow up nutrition goes. I know all about carbs, yet I don't know what to do about them. I am just a mess at the moment with making proper choices.

I see so many people farther out than me who are doing so well. I see they still drink protein. I wanted to begin my new life eating a new and healthy way so that I could form new habits that would last a lifettime. I wanted to include good carbs and fiber. I feel like I am failing now b/c I eat bread and fruits. 

I can see from my own writing that I need to see a nutritionist...pronto. I hope I can get a revised plan that will allow me to live normally and continue to shed this weight. Thankfully, sometimes writing it down can help you solve the problem. 

Ok, I am going to go eat my dinner...a noodless lasagna. Its tasty and filled with protein. I hope tomorrow will be a good day and I can continue looking for the silver lining to this damn cloud hanging over me!

I am in a good place. About to move, school starts soon..all kinds of good stuff. But, I think I am negative in my thinking.

All I can think about is the fact that I feel lonely. I really want a nice boyfriend. I look at all of the members on here that are married or with someone, and I think, "what's wrong with me?". Is it my weight? Is it my personality? 

I have tried to "not look". I hear that's when you find someone. Where are all the guys who like big gals? Not that I plan to stay big for much longer, but these guys can't all be taken!!! LOL

I am out and about just being me. I am worried that may be the problem! I know I can be bitchy and every now and again...I can whine a little. I try to work on these issues. I know I am not perfect. 

A guy friend of mine asked me last night what was wrong with him. Why he couldn't seem to find a girlfriend who treated him as well as he treats them. I told him I wished I had the answer, cuz I feel the same way. And before you think it....we already tried dating and we are just great friends. Ironic too...since he likes bigger gals.

I am a loner. I have great friends and I never feel left out...except when it comes to love. Its like everyone else got the how to manual...and I have a raincheck with no expected arrival date.

I know by today's standards, I am young at 33. I certainly don't feel past my prime. But, I feel like I am running out of time to meet that special person and maybe have a family. I don't want to be having kids in my 40's. My mom had me when she was 40 and I always kinda resented it. Its different these day, I know. But I don't want to go thru that.

Ugh...I dunno. I am just feeling whiny right now cuz my Cleveland Browns f*cked up and may not make the playoffs. (I am such a dude!LOL)

Oh well...words of wisdom are always appreciated!

My current virtual model (and she has no clothing choices cuz of her size!!)

What a day this is turning into. I awoke with a terrible headache and cold, and its now one of the best days of my life!!
I got my loan check Friday. I took a chance and called Susan at Dr. Alvraez’s number. I talked with her for a while and got scheduled for date. I will become banana-ed on October 4, 2007. I’m scared and excited all at the same time.
So, I guess I need an “angel”  and some sleeve sisters! Any volunteers? LOL

Now I’m off to take some more cold medicine. I can’t believe this is really happening!!!

Just a quick blurb today...I got my loan approved!!!!!

I am not using traditional methods. My sister helped me get a loan I can payoff after I graduate from college. Otherwise, there would be no way I could have this done. I am so excited, and I just can't hide it!!!!!

What a week. 

Firslty, I argued with a friend over my responsiblilty issues and her feelings on surgery. We agreed I needed counseling. I got an appointment for 8/24. I need to battle OCD issues as well as the underlying cause for the obesity. All is well now in the friend department. I will chalk the experience up to a case of "the truth hurts". Now I have to take that lemon and make a big ole pitcher of lemonade.

Secondly, I applied for my loan to cover surgery. I am thankful to have a great sister who will cosign for me. Otherwise, I would be so SOL. Please say prayers we get funding!! I am feeling good that it'll go through, but nervous at the same time.

Hmmm...I got my Pell grant approved. Not really an issue for here, but I was freaking out b/c of it. All good in the school department. If I didn't have school continuing to go forward, I can't even venture to guess how fucked up I would be. At my spot in life, age 33, I need forward momentum in all that I do. I don't feel that I have time for idleness or pointless ventures. Some may argue this, but its my view...so deal!!! LOL

Well, when I write it out, I can't believe that's a weeks worth of work. But, hey, it takes as long as it takes, right? Okay, I am gonna go do more research. I am such a nervous nelly!!!

I have been up all night again. My days and nights are so screwed up. I keep trying to fix it, but I end up right back where I was.  (It has to be fixed in 2 short weeks as I start back to school. With the math classes I am in, I can't afford to miss more than a few when and if I have surgery.)

So, with nothing better to do, I start reading stories and message board posts. I want to be on the other side of this surgery. Dammit, I wanna be a looser.

I think tomorrow is D Day...I am calling for a PCP appointment and applying for the loan to cover surgery. I believe I am gonna go for the VSG instead of the band. The more I read about it, the better it seems. When I read about everything people can do now, I get so happy for them and sad for me. I want this too. I am tired of being tired.

I hope that by Monday night, I will have a whole lot of good news. Wish me luck!!