stormechaser

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I just watched Big Medicine and I compared myself to everyone on there. 
I found myself answering out loud the questions the doctors would ask. Like, what do you expect out of this surgery and do you have supporters??

Well, I have a good support system. I have a friend whose on board 100% with LapBand, but not at all with RNY. I have to say that I am in agreement with her now. But, she is the type of person who will support me no matter what decisions I make, so she's a keeper!

I have had to beat myself up numerous times when I started playing the game of second guessing myself. Oh, I'll just follow WW on my own, or I wll walk a mile everyday...blah blah blah... Its a sign of insanity to keep doing the same task and expect a different outcome.

Sure, these things work, but not when you are constantly hungry and don't have the energy to walk to the car let alone drive yourself to a secluded place to walk. Secluded so no one can see or harass me, of course. I like cemeteries for this reason. Its actually quite lovely and peacefull...and paved. Hey, if I can be Morbidly Obese and Morbidly Curious, I can be Morbid in other ways such as hanging out in graveyards!!! .....Just saying....

Anyways, I am counting down till next Monday's seminar. I am really excited and nervous at the same time. I am nervous b/c I feel in my heart that this is truly the time its gonna happen for me. Like, the proverbial journey of a thousand miles starting with this first step. 

But, when I think about why I want this surgery, the answers came rolling out of my mind and mouth.

I want to be healthy. 
I want off the meds.
I want to fit in a regular seat.
I want to walk a flight of stairs and not feel like I am having a stroke.
I want to live a long, happy life.

The list goes on. 

I am not asking for supermodel waif thin. I would be happy to be 199 lbs and a size 18WP. I haven't seen that since I was 13. 
Damn, 20 years......what a waste.

I am a girl who likes big stuff. (Get your minds outta the gutter!)
I like guys who are beefy with a bit of muscles on them. My exhusband, ex boyfriend and the guy I am currently seeing are all built the same way. Its kinda funny...I have a type!! This is funny b/c I didn't get a BF until I was 20 b/c I shyed away from guys. I thought I was too fat to be loved. 


Then I think about why I am so afraid of the surgery. Well, right off I am afraid of dying. I am even more scared of making it through the surgery, but having something horrible happen and I am in a PSV state. I worked for years in nursing homes and I have seen some shit, believe me. 

Anyways, I have rambled for a bit so I am gonna go watch Futurama. I will update after the seminar. Thanks for reading!!

I am going to my second seminar for St. Vincent Charity Hospital on Aug. 8th. I went several years ago when I was pursuing RNY. Something always got in the way of that process. I am hoping that was God's way of telling me that it wasn't right for me, but  hopefully LapBand is. 

I am at a point in my life where things need to change. I am getting my personal life somewhat together. School is going well and I am surviving with student loans and living back at home. However, my health is less than desirable. At this point in the game, I truly feel if its not now, it may be never that I become the healthy person I want to be.