Willowbeez

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Since I get inquiries from time to time, I thought I would just a blog a quick update for those of you I had connected with earlier this year.

As you know when i went for my VSG on May 14th, the doctor found cancer all over my liver.  Tests also revealed two swollen lymph nodes in my chest.  On July 10th I was lucky enough to have 80% of my liver removed which contained one large, lemon sized tumor and so many smaller tumors the pathologist stopped counting.  I declined chemo and radiation and took a holistic approach instead.  I changed my diet to a 95% raw, vegan diet.  I began supplementing and have done things I never thought I would do.  Any way, long story short I just had my 4 month check up and my liver shows no signs of recurrence and the suspicious nodes in my chest have shrunk and look normal.  As of right now I am cancer free and plan on remaining that way.  Oh and in addition to the fabulous results to my skin, I have lost 64lbs due to my diet.  I feel better than I have in years!

If this is a message of anything, let it be one of hope.  

I wish you all well on your individual journey.

Take care,

Willow

I wanted to submit one last post so that my friends here at OH would know why I suddenly disappeared from the boards.

On May 14th I went in for WLS surgery.  When I awoke 2 hours later, I was told that cancer had been found in my liver and the procedure that started as WLS to save my life from obesity, had now switched to a biopsy and documentation.  

I was so drugged I honestly didn't even have an emotion attached to those words "you have cancer".  Now that I'm almost out of my drug induced stupor, well I'm flooded with every emotion.

Obviously I will be leaving the OH boards while I battle this disease.  But I will from time to time drop in to check on my friends here to make sure you are all doing what you need to do to win your battle with obesity.  Take care all of you.  I wish you well.

~Willow 

So I've been on the 2 week pre-op diet now for 4 weeks - EEEEKKKS!!  Any ways...  Although I've been fine on it there has been an unforeseen symptom.  I've broken out like a hormonal teenager jacked up on sugar.... WTF???????   I never even broke out like this when I was a teen - its like I'm making up for loss time or something.  This whole WLS is giving me a lot more than a smaller ass - acne, hair loss, saggy skin.  Ok Ok, I'm calm.  Tomorrow I start clear liquids because Tuesday is the day.  Yay bring it on.  The faster I can get through all of these lovely side effects the better. Less then 34 hours to go...

I’ve had time for personal reflection with the recent news about politicians getting WLS and their motives for doing so, coupled with all the talk about whether you should or shouldn’t tell people.

For me my decision to have WLS had to do with the fact I was getting older.  I feel like I’ve been on borrowed time, like a decades old smoker who has yet to get sick.  You know you’re tempting fate and time isn’t on your side.  

As I’ve aged I’ve become profanely aware of how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken.  I’ve noticed there aren’t any real fat, old people.  Knowing my odds I was still struggling with the decision to “save" myself once and for all.

Then in the summer of 2012 I found out I had a mass in my liver.  It took almost an entire month to go through the ultrasound, cat scan, mri, blood tests, liver tests, surgeons, liver specialists.  During that period, I knew that if what was found was liver cancer, it was a signed, sealed and delivered death warrant.  That is not a cancer people recover from.  I can’t even describe how you feel when faced with almost certain death.  Life was temporarily drowned out, like when you lie back in a pool or tub and cover your ears with the water.  You can kinda hear some muffled noise but for the most part it’s quiet - just the sound of your own breath rising and falling.  Time literally stood still during those weeks and everything I had ever done or not done in my life was now center stage for review.  I was grateful for all that I had and all I had done and sorely mourned everything I had put on the back burner.  I was vulnerable and raw and the thought of telling my children that I may die kept me from sleeping, eating.

When it was finally confirmed what I had was neither cancer nor terminal I cried.  I cried for all of the people who never get that joyous, wonderful message that they will be ok.  I prayed for all of those who never got that second chance and I promised them I wouldn’t sit idle and watch my life go by.

It was at that moment I knew without a doubt, I would have WLS.  Being overweight you become a spectator of your own life and now I knew that time was a precious commodity and your bank account of minutes are limited.  

My choice not to notify everyone and their brother of my decision was just natural for me.  Other then the fact that my co-workers know I have children and a husband, I don’t discuss our life with them.  Same with acquaintances, distant friends and neighbors.  My life is my personal business and I rarely share details.  My closest of friends and of course my family know.  Again because it has always been my MO to include them in my life at such a personal level.  

My decision to not disclose my journey is my prerogative.  It’s not a lie by omission or a deception - it’s just none of anyone’s damn business.

For anyone who thinks WLS is taking the easy way out?  I don’t give a shit about what they think.  As far as I’m concerned they can go fuck their hat.  They have not walked one second in my shoes and until they do, I could care less whether they think I’ve copped out or not.

Here on OH I can remain anonymous.  My name isn’t Willowbeez or Willow for that matter.  But hidden behind that userid I can be honest and open to those on a similar journey.  Here I can participate, encourage and belong to a group that totally understands me and they don’t give a rat’s ass why I decided to have this surgery or why I didn’t tell anyone.

This is my journey and if I wish to keep it hidden from those who know me and divulge the world to those I’m anonymous too, that is my prerogative.

In the final stretch.  Counting down the days, the hours until surgery.  And it dawned on me - this time is different.  For anyone who gets to surgery day, is sitting on the gurney all prepped to go and then their surgery gets canceled - take heart in knowing this.  The second time's the charm.

All the feelings, emotions the rollercoaster leading up to surgery the first time?  Yeah, it doesn't repeat.  All the wondering, worrying and dietary funerals.  Nope - doesn't happen either on the second time around.  At least not for me.  I"m not sure why, but this time I've been completely calm barely thinking about the desecration of my guts that will happen on May 14th.  Ok, desecration may be a strong word but you know what I mean.  The first time I mourned.  I was frightened.  I was happy.  Now I'm just... well I'm just waiting.  This time - No emotions attached to it what so ever.  Is it because I now know how it will all go down (at least right up to the point of lights out)?  Is it because it's summer and it's so friggin nice outside that's all one's mind can concentrate on?  I'm not sure and I don't care.  Maybe the lack of terror coursing through my body will mean I won't lose my hair   A girl can hope right?

In any event, the absence of the emotional rollercoaster is a welcome relief..  

8 more days....  wait... wait... wait...

... and the cold I had caught 2 days before finally moved into my chest, it was 3:00 am.  I didn't sleep a wink from that point forward.  I was hacking, I couldn't take a sip of water, couldn't take any medicine to break it up.  My chest was tight and sore.  I stayed awake as the clock ticked closer to my alarm setting.  I'm not going to kid you - the thought of having surgery when I was that sick was freaking me the hell out.  When my alarm finally went off I got up and got ready to go to the hospital.

When I got there, I checked in and they came to get me for the surgery ward.  I mentioned I was sick to everyone!  Every nurse, every doctor hell I think I told the janitor.  As long as I didn't have a fever and my lungs were clear they would proceed.  Finally the head  anesthesiologist orders a respiratory specialist to come hear my chest as they had all thought it sounded pretty clear.  When the resp specialist came she made me cough (something no one else had asked me to do) and she said she heard a rattle.  She then proceeded to give me some breathing treatment which made my fingers tingle, my arms numb and I shook like crazy.  But that crap was the bomb because the tightness in my chest was gone and I could hock up what I could feel in my lungs.  I'm not going to get too descriptive but lets just say when the doctor saw it she said "NO GO" and my surgery was canceled like that.

I really wanted to have this surgery.  I had planned for it, scheduled for it had others change their routines to accommodate me and now it was going to be postponed.  But the truth is...  I was afraid they WOULD do the surgery.  The thought of sneezing, coughing, plugged nose and congested chest during recovery was nothing short of terrifying.  This is an elective surgery and like all surgeries it has risks.  My risks increased exponentially the moment I caught a cold and even more when it moved to my chest.  I was more than glad to walk away and wait!  So I'm not sleeved, I'm not really healthy and I feel like crap but it's all good.  I'll wait my turn - it just wasn't  my day!

No one goes into any WLS without fear.  Of course there is the fear of dying, or being disabled or sick for the rest of your life.  Those are given fears - meaning no matter what your background, experience or the reasons for driving you to WLS, those fears will exist in all of us.  But I have other fears.  Fears that may not seem rational or make any sense but they are real to me.  Here are my fears (aside from all the cheery ones already listed):  

1. Hair-loss.  The thought of trading one insecurity for another isn't that appealing.  And I mean really? Your hair??? Don't F%^& with a girl's hair.  I know this is temporary but it frightens me beyond belief.  

2. Pooping.  Or the lack of the ability to poop.  I hate not being able to poop (as I'm sure most people do).  It hurts my belly, makes me cranky and some even say it makes your breath bad (science has yet to rule that out!) 

3. Loose Skin.  My boobs are already saggy (I liken them to slinkies walking down the stairs ahead of me), my thigh skin already looks like the folds of an accordion.  Imagining more folds and crevices than the Grand Canyon doesn't make me want to run around in a bikini any time soon.  

4. Never eating a normal meal again.  I mean if we're at the point of WLS obviously something went awry with our eating (quality or quantity) but no one goes into WLS hoping to be skinny and abnormal for the rest of their life (although it would be a fair trade off).   Never being able to eat more than a bite of food at one time is a bit concerning.  

5. Can you handle the new me?  I've often wondered how people will react to the "new" me.  (I will refrain from adding improved behind that "new" because that theory still needs to be tested).  I'm not sure how I will react to the new me.   

6. Peeing.  I know I can't seem to get away from this end of the spectrum (or body).  I tried drinking 64 oz of water/day for the past 2 weeks.  All I can say is that I peed all day and I peed all night.  How am I ever to get any sleep in if all I ever do is pee!  I can't pee like that at work -  I have meetings and schedules to follow.    

7. Eating enough protein.  See note 6 about peeing.  Same concept - how am I going to eat all day long in the hopes of meeting my protein requirements?  Again my schedule doesn't allow for me to be munching down on meat and eggs during work.  I can only imagine what my co-workers would think.  

These are some of my fears.  I know some of these items will resolve themselves with time but my last and final fear is... How will I manage each of them until they've been resolved? 

Three more days until surgery.  I'm excited and hopeful.  I may have fears but for the first time in a long time, I am hopeful.  

So I read a post on the VSG forum the other day from a vet, who suggested that all us pre-ops should record a video from our current fat self, to our future skinny self.  This would provide encouragement and remind ourselves of where we came from.  I can't bare to see myself in a video so I decided I would instead write a letter - from may current fat self, to my future skinny self.  This letter is to help keep me on track and to remind of who I am today.  I plan on re-reading this letter when I reach goal and every time I need encouragement.  So..... without further ado, here is my letter to my future self.

Dear Skinny Self;

Well if you are reading this then you have completed the first half of a life long journey - losing all of your excess weight.  You will now embark on the second half of this trek.  Here are some things I want you to remember along your journey so that you remember me and where you came from:

Love needs to come from within.  Hateful words, demeaning comments and negative attitudes work against everything you have worked so hard for.  Especially true when the words come from within.  Love yourself.

Food is nourishment.  It’s not your best friend or worst enemy.  It serves a need - to fuel your body.  Don’t twist that relationship up and make it into something it is not.  Enjoy food.  Love food.  But DO NOT use or abuse food.

Maintenance doesn’t mean perfection.  But it does mean acknowledgment and accountability.  Don’t lose sight of your responsibility to yourself.

Life is much easier when you can tie your own shoes, clip your own toenails, bend and still breath.  Life is happier when you can play with your children, ride a bike or hike a trail.  Life is gentler when you show compassion to others and yourself.  

I prayed for you, Skinny Self.  That you would be happy and participate in life, but most importantly I prayed you would be healthy.  I sacrificed my protection so that you may live and thrive.  Do not lose who you are.  Make sure your voice is heard.  Please remember that I, Fat Self, live most days in pain.  Sleep eludes me.  Illness keeps finding me.  I wish and prayed for so much more for you.

I wish you happiness, success and of course health.  Know that I am always with you.  I will be that little voice in your head encouraging you to keep moving, challenging your desire to deviate from the right path.  I will not steer you wrong.  Please remember me and my struggle.

With much love,

Fat Self

So 8 more days until the "BIG" day and I've been riding the emotional rollercoaster.  One minute I'm happy and can't wait to get it over, next I'm scared and thinking "what the hell am I doing", next I'm looking at new clothing in much smaller sizes.... anxiety, happiness, nervousness, excited, scared, impatient, resistant, joy, sadness...  on and on and on.  HOLY CRAP stop the rollercoaster.  Enough already!  I've rethought my decision a million times.  I've played the best scenario in my head at least 10 times but played the worst case scenario in my head 100 times/hour.  STOP!  Please for the love of God just STOP!  

Why are we so attached to our gut!  I mean I had tonsils removed, adenoids removed.  I didn't miss them.  I've been operated on several times and never once was scared of the outcome.  So why this?  Why is this such a slap in the face.  You know, maybe it's not the loss of said gut but rather the loss of a friend.  A friend who has been with me for the past 15 years and has listened to me when no one else would.  A friend that neither judges nor turns their back on me and rides the highs and lows of life.  We celebrate together and we mourn together and now in 8 days that friend will be gone.  (or at least greatly diminished)  

If I had to have a piece of my stomach removed for an illness I would be all over this surgery, telling the Dr. "are you sure you took enough".  But thankfully I don't have an illness that requires this operation.  But I do have an illness that makes this operation a viable solution.  This operation is going to save my life - right?  Or at the very minimum make my quality of life better.... right?  I think I need to stop thinking and just keep counting down.  Leave it in God's hands....  Amen.

At times it feels very surreal.  I'm not sure why but there is no normalcy at work, at home.  Everyone seems different to me.  My DH has said the same thing - normalcy has left the building.  It makes me anxious, waiting for my new normalcy.

The liquid diet has been going fine.  I'm dealing fine with the head hunger.  Now just wait wait wait.