Willowbeez

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Well the count down has begun.  12 more days until I'm on the bench.    Can't wait.  My emotional roller coaster has settled for the time being.  But I find I'm extremely stressed out.  Doctors notes, papers to fill out, schedules to make, protein to buy.  It is overwhelming.  I'm looking forward to the new me and that has kept me motivated and pushing forward.  The liquid diet hasn't been all that bad.  I mean it could be worse - it could be aweful tasting liquid .  At least it's been vanilla shakes and tomato soup.  I'm tired and can't wait to be on the other side....

Vanilla protein shakes, water, crystal light, SF jello.  I've been practicing for post-op so I've sipped everything or ate in small bites.  2 OZ in 15 minutes for a drink, 4 oz food in 30 minutes.  It took me all day to get the liquids in and I found I wasn't hungry.  Go figure.  This whole liquid diet isn't all that bad until I smelled goodness wafting from the cafeteria down the hall from my office.  It didn't help and for a moment I went crazy.  I stared at a lolly pop on a co-worker's desk and wondered... if I suck on it, it becomes liquid.  doesn't that count towards my liquid diet?    Yeah... I only lost my mind momentarily.  I then headed back to my desk and sucked back some more water.  

I find I'm getting nervous - not about the surgery but more about how the dynamic of my relationships will change from home and extended family to co-workers and friends.  Honestly it scares me.  I've heard sad stories and I'm worried.  Also, it's been so long since I've been thin, I don't know how to be a thin woman any more.  I found myself looking at dresses the other day - something I haven't worn in forever.  It will be a self rediscovery that's for sure and for those that love me I think it will be like re-uniting with an old friend.

16 More Days and then here I come Onederland.  So before I started this three week shake fest, I thought I would have a couple of dietary funerals.  So I had popcorn, bruchetta and today I'm having ribs.  The funny thing is I'm not feeling sad or anxious about not ever seeing these foods again or for a very long time.  I'm actually so ready to get this production in gear I'm not feeling bad about the food loss.  Maybe I will, but for now no worries.  Since the food wasn't giving me the satisfaction that I thought it would I decided it was time to start incorporating things into my routine that need to be part of my every day life - like EXERCISE!  UGGG....  So dear ol' hubby and I hiked a hill near my house.  Took us 40 minutes.  It was awesome even though my feet hurt and I was breathing like an 80 year old, 2 pack a day smoker.  The cool air in my lungs, sun on my face, cramps in my ass and hamstrings.  Yep it was all worth it.  

Although I went back and forth and back and forth about this surgery I've made peace with my decision.  Yes, I would have liked to have been able to drop another human being from my ass without surgery - but I'm realistic.  If I haven't been able to do it within the past 15 years then I think I need professional help.  And I'm not going into this thing thinking about all the things I won't be able to have... I'm going in thinking about all the things I will be able to have.. and do... and be!  What will be will be and if I hit a hurdle then hopefully I've prepared myself well enough for this journey to overcome it.

So good bye junk food, fried food, all around heart attack inducing food!  I wish you well!  Hello hikes and skinny jeans - where have you been for so long!  

Starting the next phase - three weeks of protein shakes and liquids.  Mmmmm.  I think the only thing I will really miss is holiday meals - like turkey.  Or a steak during the summer.  I know in time I will be able to have them back - just in much smaller portions.   

The good thing is I should be able to drop some more weight before surgery on this liquid diet.  So far 17 lbs.  - that's 17 lbs of butter!  Think about it.  That's huge.  I can't even imagine what 100 lbs of butter looks like wrapped and stacked but I do know what it looks like on my ass!  Any way - hopefully I'll drop a bit more before April 23rd.  I'm so excited. 

It is official.  My surgery date is April 23, 2013.  Ewwwww my. 

Just under three weeks away and I will be joining the losers bench.  Need to make sure I have everything I need post-op.

If all goes well April 23rd will be my new birthday.  YAYYY  

Just called the surgeon and am waiting for the confirmation that the hospital is available on that date.  April 17th see my GP for surgery approval note.  April 22nd meet surgeon for pre-op meeting.  Then hopefuly the "Big Day".  I'm over being scared - time to shift my ass into gear and get things done.  Need to go shopping and fill up with all the goodies I'm going to need for when I make it on the bench.    

First all Happy Easter!  Had a great holiday weekend with the family.  Large holiday meal, lots of wine.  I realized this weekend that although I don't even have surgery scheduled, I'm mourning the loss of my stomach and I haven't lost it yet 

WTF!  It upset me thinking about it  and I realized it was making me back away again from the surgery.  Had to keep telling my self - it's not gone it will just be smaller.  Like extra skin, you don't want it any way.  Made me feel a bit better.

Another thing I realized this weekend as conversation turned to WLS with another family member - as fat people we are judged for being fat.  We're also judged for seeking out help - in the form of WLS in particular.  Doesn't make sense - we're damned if we do and we're damned if we don't.  

I have concluded that my journey will remain anonymous and that no one - with the exception of my husband and kids will know what I have done. 

So it's the end of March 2013 and I should have had my surgery by now.  I haven't because as the day rolled closer I chickened out and canceled my appointment.  Yes, the thought of puking constantly, never being able to gulp water or eat more than a Tim Bit was very daunting and I panicked.  What if I am the one out of how many that has a terrible experience....  I'm a big baby and I know it.  Any whoooo...  I'm putting my big girl panties on and I'm going to re-schedule the surgery and go through with it.  My life depends on it.

Today March 26th (by the way Happy B-Day Hubby), I initiated the process again by engaging my GP.  She has to review some of my old records before she send my referral to the surgeon.  Once I have that referral - the surgery can be booked as soon or as late as I want it. I think I'll go sooner rather than later so I don't spook myself out again.  Hopefully I'll see my GP again in the next couple of weeks.  Until next time.  ~ Willow