Angela M.

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 ...I just haven't met him yet!


GOODNIGHT!!! Finally.

Thank God for Lauren, or else Id be in a mental institution right about now. jk But really- Im seeing things from a different perspective now and its nice. Im over losers. Im staying single for the next couple of years and just enjoying this adventure that Im about to take. But that doesnt change the fact that Im boy crazy as hell. I just found an ex on myspace who looks hot in his army uniform and two other kids I used to know who are marines and currently in Iraq...and so so gorgeous. Oh man. Okay well Im going to cruise the boards. LATERRR.

Im so depressed. I hate guys. I hate myself for giving them the power to absolutely crush my soul. Thats how I feel. I feel like the most horrible person ever, I feel like a loser, I feel not worthy of a damn thing right now. Im pathetic. And Im so ashamed and embarassed that Im this way. What is wrong with me? How come the only people that can see the good in me are older women? Guys dont even want to be my friend. And Im starting to think that its NOT because of my weight. Because I know guys who have girls as friends who are less than not attractive and are just as fat as me...but they get along fine with them anyways. Its like the run from me- they cant stand hanging out with me, talking to me on the phone, being seen in public with me. Am I that horrible? Am I hideous? Do I smell? Am I just a general bitch? I cant figure it out. I asked my EX-"boyfriend" what the problem was and he had no answer and I said it wasnt fair and he said "life isn't fair and I dont have to be either." And that comes from a guy who is generally refered to as a really nice kid. WHAT AN ASS. I just called Lauren and she isnt home or she is busy so I emailed her and I told her that seriously, I'd love to slit my wrists right now. I feel miserable. Can someone please give me an answer? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do people not like me?

GREATTT Im going to be alone for the rest of my life. I filled out an application and personality profile on eharmony.com and they denied me!! They said that their service wont work for me, nobody mathces me, and they cannot be of assistance. Greattt. Nobody wants to be with a girl like m! In reality its probably because guys my age dont use online dating sites but still, thats depressing!!

Do you think I'll EVER be a size 10 and able to fit into A&E? Im reading this WLS book and its all like "real life people may get down to a 14..." blah blah blah. Like its not even encouraging at all. WTF.

So Im thinking more and more about the concept of actually having surgery in less than a month. Its hard and confusing. Im so used to people rejecting me because of my weight and honestly part of the reason why I wanted surgery so bad (and I know everyone is going to hate this) is because I want people to treat me differently. I want them to see how amazingly smart and kind I am, and really admire me for who I am instead of just how fat I am. Thats not my only reason for surgery but its one that bothering me right now. Like the concept of guys- guys who talk to me online or on the phone before they meet me- LOVE me. They think I am their dream girl and that I couldnt be more perfect. Then they meet me and everything is different, because of my looks. I know that most of them are just shallow but also they have a point- you cant make yourself be attracted to someone and physical attraction is crucial to any relationship...so there isnt really anything they can do about it. And I have a list of guys that I cant wait until Im thin and they are so jealous because oh I will be gorgeous as hell, then I WILL be their dream girl, and they cant have me. Their loss. But wont I think that about every guy who shows an interest in me? I'll be so bitter about thinking 'uhmmm would you have given me the time of day 1 year ago?' I cant really think that about everyone, but I know I will.  How long will it take me to get past that? Im sure I'll love and appreciate the attention but when will I start taking people seriously and stop being bitter? Did anyone else have those feelings? I know many people who have had WLS that are already married so its hard for me to relate to them, Im 19- people are just as cruel as they were in high school and shallow as all hell. I will make one guy so damn lucky one day but will he deserve me? This sucks. I want so bad to be skinny but it raises so many concerns in my head. What will my body look like? Will I finally like myself, or at least cut myself some slack? Will I get concieted and shallow? More materialistic then I already am? Will I go in debt and buy all the CHANEL, Tiffany, Gucci, Jimmy Choos, Coach, Dior, and Marc Jacobs that I could possibly want? I already tell guys "Im big on personality, but Im even bigger on your wallet." haha And the saddest part is that I almost mean that, will I become an evil cold bitch? I hope not. Thats why I need to stay good friends with Lauren so she can keep my ass in check, and I know she will. She always tells me how it is and honestly, I kind of look up to her. But yeah maybe I'll get skinny and be ugly as hell so I shouldnt really be worried too much. And its not about looks anyways. I'll finally be skinny and healthy and able to not live in constant pain and fear. I can run and jump and go dancing and swimming and not worry. I can walk up stairs, take a pilates class, even think about having babies one day and not dying during labor. I can have a REAL life, not a fantasy life that I pretend to have. I can actually live for the first time ever. That thought is so amazing. I want to keep my values and morals and stay grounded. I want to keep the people who are important to me and stay interested in the important things like school and my future. But also you have to understand that I missed out of SO MUCH of my teenage years that maybe I wont know what to do with myself and I'll want to party and do crazy things. Do I not do those things now because I really dont like them or because I just dont have the oppurtunity to. Do I not have lots of friends because Im really a loner who just likes a few people or is it because I hide myself from people and stay where Im "safe." Who knows? I dont know and all I can do is wait and see. I just hope that this site and my journal really keep me grounded on this adventure Im about to embark on. If someone is reading this anytime in 2008 and you see more recent entries and I seem out of my mind then please copy and paste this post and email it to me and tell me to wake the fuck up. PLEASE. Im counting on that. Now we just have to wait and see... 

OMG I want these Tie-Front Cut Out animal print Manolo Blahnik pumps, they are a Nieman Marcus exclusive but they are freakin $715...am I ever going to make enough money in my life to afford shoes like that? Im like seriously droooling over them. Man oh mannn.

WHAT KIND OF GIRL AM I???

You are the classic southern belle. You are kind, proper, responsible, and very adult like. You attend church every Sunday and you have grace, poise, and are very dainty. You are mature beyond your years and prefer gentlemen of well kept families for your marrying. But don't be afraid to break loose from your corset strings once and awhile and just have some fun. You're only a kid once.

Just for my own reference- weight check at 2:00 on Jan 10th and follow up with nutrition Jan 31st at 1:30. Blah to the weight check!

I talked to Buffy today, they are still jerking her around. She met her 5% today and they told her to lose more! But I think the team meets again on the 27th or something like that so maybe she will get approved anyways. We'll see. Yeah so surgery for me is the 17th, thats like 29 days away...I have pre-op testing on the 28th of december which involves patient education from the hospital and then a physical with their nurse. Then on the 15th of january I meet with the anesthesiologist just for a brief interview. Surgery is that wednesday and Im pretty sure that Im the second surgery of the day so they told me they would call me the day before and tell me what time to be at the hospital. I called nutrition today because I have to schedule a two week post-op appointment with them or else I cant move onto the next stage of the diet but they didnt answer and I left a message and they didnt return my call, I wonder whats up with their office today. Oh well. Im thinking the next month will go by wicked slow since I have a date now but Im hoping it doesnt. I just want all of this to be done with. People have suggested to me that I should put off surgery until after the semester but thats NOT happening. I'll just see how things go, I have about two weeks into the semester that I can still withdraw from classes so I'll just see how things go at that point. I'll still keep my online class so Im doing something with myself. And other then that maybe it will be a good idea to not be under pressure and stressed, I can just focus on myself and be healthy and happy. The next behavior group with Dr. Bourne is actually on my surgery day, so I wont be making it there haha. So next time everyone see's me maybe I'll be down 30 lbs! haha Damn Lisa will probably look so different, not seeing her for two whole months at the rate she is losing! Okay well I got a few emails to send but I'll keep everyone posted of the oh so interesting happening of my life!

I'll just repost what I put on the board and I'll write more later, Im in a weird mood.

Well I got a date! Jan 17th. It was first available. But the reason why Im not as happy as I thought Id be is because that is my first day of school- so Id have to take the semester off and lose my scholarship for the next two years. There is no way around it, even for medical reasons if you dont use it for a semester then you cant use it anymore. THAT SUCKS. But I have to put my health first. Maybe they will have a cancellation sooner and I can move up. We'll see. BUT at least I finally have a freakin date!!!

I see the surgeon in two days!!

So the other day I went to the nutrition group and got all the info about Stages 1-3 of the post op diet. I also got some more samples of unjury and smartforme and boost. Oh yea and they also gave me some chewable calcium and vitamins to try from bariatric advantage. I was the only one there who didnt gain weight, interesting...maybe because they make me starve myself! But whatever, I see Dr. Arcand on MONDAY, yippeee! Then I get a date and I can start the countdown. I hope its sooon! 

My very sexy boyfriend Brian is coming over tomorrow! We are gonna go out to dinner and go shopping and watch movies and then go hang out with Lauren and her husband. Im so freakin in love with this guy, Im telling you he is perfect. He is 6'4", 225, basically just tall dark and handsome, here's a pic:
Gorgeous. Yeaaaah and he is going into the Navy and he is just perfect. Okay yea so I'll stop gushing about him and yea okay I need to go to sleep now.

Well today I really dont wanna get out of bed. I have a book to read, christmas cards to make out, and just stuff to read up on. I have an appointment with Nancy Gill at 4 but I think I'll cancel. Today is my day in bed. Everyone (especially me) needs one of those sometime. Tomorrow I will be super busy and out all day so why not?

Okay I just canceled my appointment with her. Thank God. So last night I went to my behavioral group and I had a good time besides the fact that I felt like I was going to pass out. I just felt so dizzy and my head hurt. Buffy said my face was red and hot. Wonder why? Oh well. So I saw Lisa who had surgery 3 weeks ago and she is doing great. She lost a total of 68(?) pounds since her 5-10% before surgery and then her post op weightloss. Thats so great. I found out that Dr. Arcand is doing surgeries the day after christmas and one lady is going that day, she said it was open because nobody else wanted it. I wonder if when I go there will still be a slot open that day. I wonder how many he does a day- I think he only does surgery on tuesdays and thursdays. But so I also found out that Dr. Arcand requires a 1 day liquid diet. It wont be so bad. Just all chicken broth and stuff. I didnt eat anything solid yesterday so Im all set, I can do it. And some people have to do it for two weeks! Lucky us. My family doesnt do christmas anyway, just christmas eve, so if by chance I got the 26th it wouldn't bother me one bit.

Im gonna try and call Lauren..