anonymouslyobese

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I got a sinus infection and have been sick for over a week.  I didn't exercise for over a week because of it and I think it's contributing to me suddenly having the worst head hunger!  I have been munching too much for about the last four days.  Mostly I have made better choices of what to much than I would previously have done but sitting at home (I've been out of work... it's really hard to teach when you don't feel well and have no voice) for some reason... suddenly my iron will has left me.  
I was doing so well!  I'm not mad so much as disappointed in losing the umph I had since the surgery.  It's only been almost two months and already I'm slipping into bad habits.  Normally I last longer when I do it on my own.  Today I forced myself to do some yoga in order to still exercise without breathing too hard because it makes me cough a lot.  It was not as much exercise as I like to do, but I"m hoping it jump starts my "will power" as I was experiencing before.  I think maybe the exercise is helpful in making sure I use up calories of course but also to get out my extra energy from any anxieties I have.  

I also moved while I was sick, and so my life has been a little in disarray.  While there is still much to do, the real chaos is over.  I need to go grocery shopping so I can stop eating out and start cooking for myself and my man.  I know it will make a big difference for both of us.  On the list... grocery shopping tomorrow... and at least more yoga if I can't do more. 

On the brightest side, I feel better today than I have in over a week now... I can breathe a little better and whatever was still in my head seems to be gone.  Now it's just coughing... even my voice is starting to come back (I sense it will be back soon! Watch out my darling students!!).    

I think I almost forgot how much of a hyper person I always used to be.  I have lost about 54 lbs now and while you can tell when you look at me, it is even more obvious in my energy levels.  I feel almost like I'm going to burst out of myself sometimes.  In a way it's annoying when I want to do things that make me sit and focus for a long time.  However,  it is also even more so... incredibly awesome.  My bursts don't last forever, but they last long enough to actually do things besides sit on my booty!  

I even want to exercise and move my body often.  I feel so happy I can climb a flight of stairs without feeling like I'm dying that I actually like to do it.  I can walk across the campus at my work without cursing the person I feel I can blame that I have to walk to that part of my school.  I randomly dance and shake my booty.  I can't sit at my video game (WoW) for more than 2 hours before I have to get up and do something (anything!).  I break into a simple Yoga stretch pose at work while I'm waiting for the kids to come into the classroom.  I can walk between the aisles and fit... and I don't knock crap off the kids' desks as much (still do a little though) with my booty.  I can fall asleep at night because I can breathe and I'm actually tired because I used my energy!  I feel in a "good" mood more often.  I'm really happy even though I'm moving to a new apartment, ending the semester and planning a wedding... instead of anxious all the time (which is awesome because I'm supposed to be excited and happy about these things!!).  I actually feel like cooking instead of like it's just too hard.  I can actually have intimate time that isn't just uncomfortable.

I'm no where near done losing weight.  I have a long way to go still.  It is very encouraging, however, to feel so good already.  I still have moments I miss eating, food, binging, or being able to sit on my booty for hours on end... but remembering how much better I feel now helps me miss it much much less and get past the weaker moments.  

This morning my scale said I weighed less than 3 bills!  I am super happy!  I have so much more energy at 50 lbs less.  I'm super happy about it. 

It's hard sometimes to stick to all the rules I'm supposed to follow, but most of the time I don't have to think twice.  It's worth it though.  :) 

So, today I was talking to my mother, who I love tons and tons.  She is mostly wonderful but she can sometimes try to control every little aspect of her children's lives.  She said something like that today and I felt so angry.  I don't feel angry often and it is the worst emotion for me because I never know  how to share it without a blow up.  

Normally, therefore, if I'm angry I would have binged on food.  Instead, I was angry and complained to my man for a little bit and realized I needed to work out.  It was like there was a red angry energy just building up inside me and there really was no better way to let it out.  So I exercised and thought about it for my exercise time.  I feel better now.  I'm not angry anymore, at least not like that!

So I consider my choice of exercise over food (even liquid food) to be a NSV.  Now I just have to figure out what to do about what she actually said.  She doesn't get to make this choice for me.  I'm 32 for goodness' sake! 

Rock on peep!

I am still counting down.  It feels like it's taking forever, but I can't wait until Wednesday anyway.  It is a shame that just the driving portion of my trip to and from my doctor is about 3.5 hours or more if there is more traffic.  Getting fills is going to be a slow process! 

My workouts are getting more difficult but I've pretty much kept them at 30 minutes.  It's kinda cool though.  I've been adding some extra Yoga stretches and I like them, but it is surprising how hard some of them are.  I can feel myself do better the more I do them though, which is awesome.  I made a "routine" in my Wii Fit Plus and it makes it go much more quickly between the exercises which appeals to my lazy side that gets annoyed at having to "go back" so often and rechoose.  It has all my exercises in my order and less yappy yappy from the cartoon trainer lady too! 

I have been getting cold so much easier.  It should be a great sign that I've lost weight, but I've found it kind of a nuisance!  I forget my sweaters all the time because I used to never need them or to think much ahead of how cold it was, and now I'm cold even when others are not!  Oh well, it's great that it's almost summer.  Summer - no work, finish planning and having my wedding, swimming parties at my mom's.  It's gonna be fun and I'm going to have more energy for it all too!

I am getting tired more recently... maybe the exercises are helping.  I know the weight loss is, my sleep apnea isn't as bad as it was just 6 short weeks ago!  I used to lay down and feel like I was suffocating before I fell asleep.  Now I can lay on my back and be fine and sleep for more than 2 hours at a time!  Yay!  Speaking of tired, may bei"ll go lay down.  :) 

Work is going well and I have gotten over my need to keep my lapband a secret.  Now I've told a few people at work that I really like (adults of course) and I have decided to still not discuss it with the students.  Most everyone has been supportive which is nice  (though it does make me wonder, is it because I was SO big everyone was worried about me?  Probably!  345 at 5'2" is pretty large!).  

Why is it that I hate making myself exercise when I actually like it when I do it?  That feeling never seems to go away no matter how long I exercise, every time I have ever lost weight.  It would be nice to turn my emotional eating into emotional exercising but for some reason I have a exercising roadblock when it comes time to get off my butt.  Oh well, I ended up not exercising the last two days but I got back to it today and it felt good.  The Wii was like, "Where have you been?".  :) 

My last biggest incision had it's giant scab finally fall off.  They all look so good!  It makes me feel good and that I'm healing pretty well. 

My countdown is still on... one week from tomorrow.  I can't wait for you next Wednesday!  :)   

I am doing well.  I feel healthy and my incisions are just scabs now, some of them are even scabless!   Everything is pretty good.  Except...

I feel like I want to start eating food again.  I don't dream about the bad foods I used to eat.  I just want to eat an egg or some refried beans or something.  I'm very tired of liquids.  I don't like the monotony and I really want to cook some meals for my fiance.  He's been going out without me daily because he doesn't want to eat in front of me and no matter how many times I tell him it's okay he says he'd feel too guilty.  When he does bother to eat at home it's not something he cooks because he doesn't want to make the house smell like food I can't have.  The second one I am kind of grateful for, but really it's not fair for him.  

I am just counting down the days, 10 more until my nutrition appointment and the doc tells me when I can eat real food again.  Trying to be positive, on the liquid diet I have lost 12 lbs in the 2 weeks since my surgery which brings it up to 37 lbs since I started it something like 5 weeks ago.  On the other hand, um, I want food!  Okay.  I will stop my whining and commence my counting.  I'm sure it will be here before I know it.....

Okay so today my allergies are going crazy.  I came home and there was no water.  I can't pee in my own apartment.  I had to drive a few blocks away (because I can't breathe without coughing and I have to pee) in order to pee in a store.  I decided to go to Vons and try some new soup.  

I found this soup that looked really great.  Santa Fe style, not too much fat, has some protein acceptable number of calories, decided to buy it.  I take it home and open it and portion it into 1 cup portions... as I'm doing so I suddenly see that it has LOTS Of chunks.  I sorta figured there would be some but not as many as I saw.  I didn't strain it even though I knew I should.  I heated it up and it got less thick.  It tasted good.  I soooo wanted all those chunks.  I'm only 2 weeks post op and am supposed to be on liquid only for another week but it will be two because my doctor was out of town next week.  Against the knowledge that I shouldn't, I ate about five small cubes of chicken and the liquid and left the rest of the lots of chunks in the bottom of the tiny bowl.  

Hopefully I didn't just kill myself or something.... hopefully I'll check in soon!

I guess I don't have to do this everyday... so I'm not going to feel guilty! 

Well it's been windy for the last four days or so, on and off, and my Spring allergies are in full swing.  Unfortunately I can't breathe too well.  If I try to exercise I cough and choke.  I didn't exercise yesterday, and I"m not sure if I can today.  It's really disappointing.  

It's also not fair to feel sick when I start work tomorrow!  I'm a little nervous about working but I'm sure things will feel normal quickly.  

The best news is that my port incision was bothering me and looking irritated everyday and worrying me.  This morning when I work up though, it looked sooo much better!  It's still the worst (the others look really awesome) but it's starting to really look like it's healing.  So awesome!  Also, it makes me a little less worried about working, because I feel like I can wear work clothes better.  

Today was a pretty good day.  I feel a little less food starved (all mental of course).  I went to the Dr and he cleared my lungs to get rid of the oxygen tanks and I also received notice that I am  no longer going to be laid off.  All the teachers in the district agreed to some furloughs to save jobs this year and hopefully next as well.  So that is two sighs of relief.  

I have got to start exercising earlier than 9pm, unless that works during the school week too.  I don't know how it will go, but I'll find out next week!  I'm kind of glad to go back to a routine. I think it will make the drinking enough easier.  Of course I feel pretty good today from those two things and I itch a little less today too... woot.  The itching was starting to drive me crazy yesterday! 

Okay, off to Wii Fit!  :)