beccabecca66

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Whatever the reason, I'm not able to do the things I was doing earlier this year.  I don't want to obsess about the why right now.  It is what it is. 

For tonight, I'm going to have to be satisfied with smaller things and acknowledge even the seeming tiniest things I succeeded at-- or I'll drown in a sea of my own negativity.

They picked up my car today.  I requested it.  I knew it was coming.  But it was still hard to see it taken away.  I did have the beginnings of an anxiety attack, but I quickly distracted myself.  I grabbed the leashes and got my sister's dogs from downstairs and took them on a walk.    There are so many other negative things I might have done, but I didn't do them.  That is a success.

I woke up and thought about staying in bed all day.  But I didn't.  I did dishes, I did a load of laundry.  I changed the sheets on my bed.  I showered.  I got outside and did a little raking and went on a couple walks.  

Yah, maybe thats no big deal for me on other days, but today it was huge.  So rather than be mad/sad/whatever about the things i didn't do, I'm allowing time to be grateful for the things I *did* do.

Tomorrow i made plans to go walking with a neighbor in the morning.  Then I have a therapist appointment.  That may be all I am able to do, and if it is... that will be okay. 

There are 5 billion things I can't do.  Why waste my energy on *thinking* about the things I can't do when I could better spend my energy on actually *doing* what I can do.  Small successes will build on one another.

p.s. reminder to self... please eat more fiber.

A friend stopped over tonight unexpectedly.  He said he called, and when I didn't pick up, he thought he better stop over to check on me.  That was a little weird because its not like he lives in my neighborhood.  He lives about a 30 minute drive from here.  Can't a girl not answer her phone?  Actually, I was in the basement getting laundry... and I often don't pick up his calls.  It didn't quite make sense to me why he would immediately drive over, so I pressed him a bit more.

I guess he ran into my brother at the store and my brother said that he was concerned about me.  My brother told him I turned down an invitation to have thanksgiving with my family, and I disconnected my cellphone, and I am voluntarily surrendering my car.

I have good reasons for all of those things.  I shared the reasons and also let him know about some other thoughts/feelings/behaviors that I'm struggling with. 

He agreed with the reasons-- but also said that he's never heard me talk with a voice of depression like this before.

I met him in 2008.  I guess technically I was his boss for awhile, but we've both left that non profit organization.  We continue to be friends.

I tried explaining to him how my brain simply is not functioning the way I'm used to it working.  I can't think.  I can't concentrate.  I can't remember things.  I can't even fill out a stupid form for financial assistance for a hospital bill.  I'm sad and mad. I feel tremendous guilt for just about everything.   Guilt for things I've said and actions I've done, and guilt for every morsel that goes in my mouth, especially since I've been working out less.  I feel guilty for being sad and mad.  And guilty for feeling guilty.

He said "Get on an antidepressant."

I'm not used to feeling depressed like this.  Or If i have in the past, I totally forgot about it.

I had seen my old therapist on and off for about 7 years.  I moved to Ohio for a brief time and obviously stopped seeing him.  When I came back, I started seeing him again.  I really liked him.  He finally retired at the end of July.  I spent June and July tranisitioning, alternating visits between a new therapist (that he suggested) and him.  The new one was a woman.  I've usually clicked better with men than women therapists, but I was willing to give it a shot.

I guess it works out that she happens to be an eating disorder specialist.  Or not?  I don't know. 

She says I'm not eating nearly enough.  I don't agree.
I say I'm not exercising enough.  She doesn't agree.

She says that I have an eating disorder.  I argue with her on that sometimes because I'm still grossly overweight.  I don't know what to think.

I am so deathly afraid that I've failed and that I'm going to gain weight without ever getting to a healthy weight.  I don't know if i experience hunger or not.  The thought of eating really freaks me out.  I hate when I can feel food in my stomach.

She says that if I eat more, I'll start feeling better.  Maybe its true.  But eating sends me into a panic.  I cancel plans with my friends if it includes eating.  I had some friends over the other day to watch a movie, but I can't really tell you what the movie was about.  I was relieved when they left so that I could go work out.  

Evenings are generally somewhat okay for me... but every morning, i wake up in a panic.  Even before I open my eyes to see that its light outside, I'm freaked out by having to face a whole day.   And a whole day of what?  I don't work- although i was volunteering part time and also serving on a board of directors for a state wide non profit organization.  Things stopped making sense to me.  Things that I knew inside and out and even helped design became like a foreign language.  I stepped down as board president.  I'm debating on whether or not to quit volunteering.  I've cut way down... and I'm not even sure I can do that much anymore.

Mornings also signify a 'new start'.  Which should be a good thing, right?  To me, its another day where I'm faced with the fact that I'm a complete nothing.  And yet, I lack the mental energy to become anything.  I don't even know what I think I'd like to try...nothing interests me.

I attempted to eat more today, and today is the first day in a long time where I *didn't* exercise.  Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better for it.  But tonight, i feel like crap for it.  I'm struggling to not run downstairs to the treadmill to work off some of those calories.

I felt so centered the last few months.  Felt like I was okay.  Felt confident. 

It vanished. 

I'm so depressed.  Its like the bottom dropped out on me.  It sucks. 

I'm terrified of gaining weight back, and I haven't even reached goal yet... although I don't really know what my final goal *should* be.  I think I plugged in 150 as my goal weight way back when.   I can't remember if or what surgeon said would be reasonable. 

I started tracking food and activity.  This could be good or bad. 

I had my 1 year follow up appt and they ran my labs. Everything was in normal range, except vitamin d (27.2) This might account for the depression.  I hope its that simple. 

My white blood count was a bit low (2.9), but the rest of the blood stuff came back normal, so I don't know that it really means anything.

My therapist wants me to see a psychiatrist again and consider taking an antidepressant.  She's very insistent on this.  She's never seen me this low.  She is positive I can get back to where I was earlier this year. 

I've been off of psychotropic meds since early this year and been okay. The thought of going back on them scares me. Many of them contributed to my weight in some ways.  I'm not one that blames all the weight gain on meds... I take responsibility for putting all that food in my mouth... however there is something to be said about the intense carb cravings that were a side effect.

I dipped down to 198 but figured the scale would bounce back up again as it tends to do sometimes.  I thought I must be dehydrated or something.  I didn't want to celebrate too soon.

But its been staying at 198, dipping down to 196 at times.  Hard to believe that I'm under 200 pounds. 

Finally to "onederland" as they call it... Lots to explore about this new land called me.

I think most people are ecstatic about reaching this milestone.  I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.  There was a reason I held onto all that weight.  I'm a little scared to be living life without that blanket of protection.

Also had to end my gym membership because I couldn't afford it anymore.  I mostly used the gym for my strength training.  Cardio I do elsewhere.  I will have to be more creative about toning and strengthening now that I don't have access to weight machines and free weights.

I'll have to work especially hard on maintaining a new level of honesty with myself.  If i slip backwards, it might be easy to say its because I had to quit the gym.  But I want to be real with myself and decide if its because of this fear of living life without the weight.

--Becca

Until now.  And I suspect I'll understand more as time moves forward.

1.  This surgery changes your body forever.  I did all my research and made my own choice.  I take full responsibility.  However when the doctor that first suggested it over 7 years ago and encourages and supports it through the whole process says "Maybe surgery wasn't the best choice for you.  It makes it harder for me to treat you," it sucks.  She needs to be sent to surgery and have her whole body altered so she could maybe start to understand how hurtful her comment was.

2.  Everyone is different.  While we have many similarities, there will still be individual things that make us different.  I go to two support groups from two different programs.  Completely different protocol in each.  And there are members in each that insist there is only one way to do things.  And if I suggest that everyone is different, and perhaps I don't have to have breakfast foods for breakfast, i'm told i'm going to fail.  (I think they may be putting their fears and issues on me.  The confident and assertive me won't carry their issues.)

3.  Support groups are very helpful, but their word is not the final say in my life.  When i go home and i'm laying in bed in those moments before sleep, are they there with me?   I listen, and I welcome hearing their stories, but what is true for them doesn't make it true for me.

4.  When people say it was the best thing that they ever did, and there were no problems, they aren't exactly lying.  Its like when I say i loved being a kid and it was the best time of my life.  I remember the good parts and kinda forget about the temper tantrums  when I was told no more cookies!  or crying about how life wasn't fair.  or being told what to do all the time.  Gosh, thats how I felt at times after surgery, too.

5.  Work out the stuff in your head while you still have the full benefit of your tool.  Or you'll gain your weight back, or you'll change to a different addiction.  Its not so much about the food, as it is about the trauma and abuse i never addressed.

6.  Surgery doesn't 'fix' you.  Guess what i finally figured out?  I am not broken.  I don't need fixing.  I need help finding the beauty and strength and gracefulness already inside me.  I was beautiful at my highest weight, and as long as i'm living the life I want to live, i'll be beautiful at my lowest.  And anywhere in between.  I need to focus more on love and respect for myself than calories or fat grams or pounds or even protein.

7.  Doesn't anyone notice that diet says 'Die to a T'?  I don't want to lose. I want to gain.  Does that surprise you?   I want to gain more of the authentic me.  I want to gain more confidence and strength and take better care of me, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  If my weight decreases in that process, its okay with me.

--Becca  9.5 months out... lost about 145 pounds since surgery, but gained confidence, assertiveness, respect (from within, and from other people), and more.  I'm hoping to keep gaining. 

I knew things would calm down eventually.  And they have.  I am now 9 months out from surgery. 

As I remember it:

Month 1- Bliss, almost on a high.
Months 2 and 3- Depression as a result of anesthesia.
Months 3, 4, and 5- Pure hell, trying to figure out who I was.  My body was changing so rapidly as well as my mind.  People didn't know what to think of me.  I didn't know what to think of me.
Months 6, 7, and 8- Starting to calm down, starting to find a balance.

I was pretty consistently losing 15-20 pounds a month.  The weight loss stall didn't seem to happen at 6 months as I expected.  I still don't feel hunger.  I kept saying that I wished the weight loss would slow down a bit so I could adjust.

It did.  Dead standstill for 4 weeks.  I lost and gained the same pound 8 times in that 4 weeks.  I was relieved, but scared.  When you are used to losing so much, even if you stay steady, you feel like you are gaining.

So I did my best plateau busting moves.  Made sure I was taking all my vitamins as needed, drinking all my water, plus a little.  Changed my exercise routine a little bit each day.  I love the treadmill.  I was used to my workout time and speed.  I switched it up.  One day, i went slower but higher incline.  The next, I'd do no incline, but higher speed.  Some days a little less time, some days a little more time.  Finally, I started eating a little more.  Little being the keyword.  I'd sneak in an extra light string cheese.  Or have an extra cup of skim milk.  When it got so hot, i was unable to leave the house.  I wanted to exercise at the gym, but all I could do was get to the kitchen and find a few cans and lift them above my head a few times.  (Heat takes all my strength and energy away).

The combo of eating just a bit more and actually exercising less (just for one week) broke the plateau.

My medical doctor saw me before she left for India for 1 month.  She saw me again when she got back.  In that 5 weeks, I lost 19 pounds.  Even though I was in a plateau for most of it.

Looking back at the times I struggled, I wish I would have taken the time preop to write down all the things I knew about myself.  Funny, compassionate, kind, loving, intelligent, etc.  When i was struggling to know who I was, I would have pulled out that list and realized I was still all those things.  And while I was losing weight rapidly, I was gaining other things.  Confidence.  Assertiveness.  No matter what anyone says, those are good things.  I was a good person before, and I am still a good person, maybe even better.

Oh.  The numbers.  I hate sharing numbers.  Everyone is different.  I had more to lose than most people.  So my numbers may seem big, but if you are smaller, remember, you'll lose less. 

Hw- 394 (February, 2010)
Sw- 353 (November, 2010)
Cw- 213 (August, 2011)

(down 181 from highest weight, and down 140 pounds since surgery 9 months ago)



















Picture on left is at my highest... Polar Bear Plunge.
Picture on right was from last week.

--Becca

I haven't been around here much.  So busy with life, not much time for computer, and less interest in sitting on my butt at the desk.

Months 3, 4, and 5 have been pretty bad for me.  Weight is coming off so rapidly that I can hardly keep up with what I look like from day to day.  Personality changes that I think are awesome (increased confidence, more assertive, more vocal, etc), are being frowned upon by friends and family.  "When will we get the old you back?"

I can hardly keep up with who I am from day to day.  How could I ever expect anyone else to?

Diagnosed with an acoustic neuroma in February, 2011.   Its a tumor growing on the nerve that connects your ear to your brain.  It is now extending into the cochlea.  It has caused permanent hearing loss and tinnitus in my right ear.  Surgery will remove the tumor, but I'm a little too weak from bariatric surgery to proceed at this point.  So for now, we just do an mri every couple months to watch it and make sure it  doesn't do more damage.

Losing weight in my feet and increased activity has put too much pressure on the bones in my feet.  Barred from exercising till they can fit me with orthotics.  My insurance won't cover orthotics unless i'm diabetic.  Because of surgery, i'm no longer diabetic.  They are trying to find a way around that.

Took a bad fall on February 18, 2011.  Sprained the ligament that goes up and down my spine and also several ligaments that go in between the vertebrae.  I can't take anti inflammatories (and injections didn't work for me) so its taking forever to heal.  Muscles on either side of my spine are trying to compensate and get so tight, especially under stress, that they are pinching nerves causing weird nerve things all throughout my body.  Pain is so severe that I have been given handicap parking.

Pain and mood and stress has been causing me not to eat or take supplements.  I was eating about 100 calories a day and 10 grams of protein.  (another reason i'm too weak to have surgery for the tumor).  I'm striving to get 60 grams of protein each day, but the sudden increase in food has me so constipated that I can hardly wear pants.  I don't think I've had a real bowel movement in 2 weeks.  Phillips is not working.  Currently working with masseuse to resolve this issue.  

Stroke symptoms sent me to the er and caused me to be admitted to the stroke center this week.  Ct scan and mri showed no stroke.  Still waiting for blood tests to come back.  They suspect vitamin b12 and vitamin d deficiency causing facial paralysis (my left side) and extreme weakness and lack of sensation in right side extremities.  Hopefully I can get my levels up quick enough so that the damage is not permanent.  2 months ago, my blood levels were well within the normal range.  I had no idea it could drop so rapidly to cause paralysis.

Car was stolen and totalled last month.  I got it repaired, and it was in better than new condition.  While i was parked in the er parking lot this week, someone hit my car and ran.  ugh.

Sister has severe concussion.  I think there is more going on.  She's been off of work for several weeks.  She has severe mood issues and cognitive issues.  She's been a real bear to deal with. 

Despite all this stress, my mood appears to be good and I'm in decent spirits.  I have a good sense of humor that keeps me going.  Oh, and i forgot to mention, I've been off all bipolar medications since early January.  Doing fine.  Bipolar appears to be in remission. 

I'm exploring some more eastern approaches to my treatment with great success.  Massage, acupuncture, energy work, meditation.  No vitamins or herbs, though.  Not sure those would be too good for me.

Take care and comments welcome,

--Becca

I'm finally emerging from the pit of darkness and despair.  I'm not sure what to attribute it to- my psychiatrist would say its because of restarting Wellbutrin.  My therapist would say it was holding on and waiting for it to pass.  My trainer would say its from resuming working out on a regular basis.  I would say its a bit of each.

I pinched a nerve or something in my neck/shoulder.  My pinky and ring finger are numb.  This makes typing difficult.  I've been stretching a lot and trying to work it out on my own, but I think a trip to my medical doctor is in store.  She'll be excited to see me.  I've lost 51 pounds since surgery on November 2, 2010.  I'm really starting to notice it in my looks.  I knew i was losing from my clothes being to big, but i couldn't see it. 

There are some exciting things happening at my job... I'm thrilled to be a part of it.  It makes going to work so much easier and rewarding.  I feel good when I come home.  This also has contributed to my mood improving.

Glad to be on the upswing,

--me

Yep, all that post surgery energy, zest, and happiness are all gone.  

I stopped taking one of my antidepressants after surgery because I couldn't crush it.  And i thought I was doing well without it.  But now two months out, I am in a huge funk.  All the things I know would make me feel somewhat better as i wait for the med to kick in again seem like a huge chore.  I have no energy.  I am sad.  My body feels like lead. 

I talked to the surgeons nurse about this at my scheduled visit yesterday.  She said that it is common to hit a post surgery slump. 
Because of my mood disorder (bipolar), I may be getting hit especially hard with it.  No matter the reason or cause, it sucks!

I'm doing my best to maintain a schedule of meds/vitamins, eating, drinking, etc.  I just have to wait this out, it seems.  I am meeting a friend at the gym this morning.  Hopefully exercising and being somewhat social will help me feel a bit better today.  I am not giving up.

--me