8/1/15

Aug 01, 2015

I started reading a book on shame and realized how warped my thinking is.  I grew up with a father who was either abusive or ignoring me.  I never remember him saying I was pretty or special.  I internalized that I was not good enough.   It did not help having a mother who was a perfectionist.  Now I crave affirmations that I am acceptable.  Being over weight and judged because of it has just increased the shame in my life.    I am blessed with a husband that loves and accepts me just he way I am.  The problem is that I don't love and accept myself.  I am my own worst enemy.   Having layers upon layers of shame from trauma, abuse and neglect, how do you undo that or change it.  I know God loves and accepts me just he way I am.  How do I learn to accept myself and not reinforce the shame based upbringing I had?  I am not as hard on myself as I used to be but I sometimes make poor choices because I crave men's approval.  I have wonderful friends who value me.  Yet I still put myself in questionable situations longing for things I missed as a child.  I don't have any answers but I do pray God will reveal to me what His will is and what I can do to learn to love myself and accept myself as I am.  When I look at my 265 pound body I look in disgust.  Food was my way to survive craziness in childhood and now it has turned on me and caused greater distress in my life.  I am embarrassed by my weight and how I look.  I'm not sure how my husband views me as desirable but I know he does.    I know I have  pretty face, have a great personality, am good at my job, am smart, and get along with others well.   Yet because of my weight I just feel inferior.  How do I learn to accept myself?  I pray God shows me.         

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