I think my glasses are playing tricks...

Oct 23, 2009

My scale is telling me that I weigh 217 pounds. And my body definitely looks smaller. But I cannot believe it. It is almost as if  it is like I am caught in some sort of Matrix and my body is transforming and morphing into something unreal. I cannot seem to fathom this transformation. Although it was something that I wanted, I guess I did not fully understand how it could happen when I was so large for such a long period of time. I am scared to take pictures of myself, because I am afraid that if I see myself I will think, I am still large and expect the transformation to go faster....or maybe I will not like the transformation because it is making look deformed in certain places...basically I am just feeling weird.

It is quite strange to have more energy. I can literally walk up my steps without huffing and puffing. I can walk a little faster and have a spring in my step. I am fitting in jeans that I have not worn in years but was determined to fit in but I still do not believe that I am fitting in those jeans, running up those steps, and springing in my step. I thought it would take me almost a year to get under 200 pounds, but yet to see that goal insight is a thousand emotions to me. For the first time, I see that I can do this. I can be the person who I always desired to be...and I am scared and excited at the same time.

It is just taking me a moment to take that all in and really evaluate that...I am caught in the Matrix...of this transformation...and I feel...excited...terrified...happy....relieved...scared...anxious...upset...worried...nervous...confident...confused...but most of all...encouraged to keep moving forward.

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