Some Thoughts to Type Out.....
Dec 15, 2009Lately, I have been really quiet on here b/c I've been getting all my thoughts together and trying to focus on some things. I can not believe this year is almost over....I am so ready for 2010...I just have a feeling that next year will be the shit...lol Since my surgery, I have been trying to enjoy normal life....I had Thanksgiving at a friend's house and it was actually good. I of course took it easy and had a slice of ham and some macaroni and cheese....Even though I only ate half of it...it still was good! During that holiday break I did manage to catch a cold, spend some time with a friend, watching dvds, working out, and relaxing.....I gotta say I actually had a nice holiday break..I really needed it, b/c my job is driving me absolutely bananas! I am so grateful to have a job, but I am just getting so burned out....Right now I am going through the "what do I want to do for the rest of my life" So for 2010 I will be on the job search for a new career.
In just a few hours I have an appt with my Dr...and for some reason I am nervous as hell. I have been for the most part following the rules, exercising, taking all my vitamins, and stuff....but I just hate getting weighed on their scale....my scale is the bomb b/c it finally has read that I have reached my first goal of weighing under 300 pounds, but then when I go to my Dr.'s office there scale will show differently.....of course their scale is atleast 5-7 pounds heavy and that just makes me mad....I have been working so hard before this surgery and after and just don't want to let myself down. Last night I started having all these nightmares about the Dr. office and woke up this morning wanted to hit the treadmil...My nerves have been shot lately....My train of thinking or dealing with issues has to be so different now that I have this surgery that sometimes has me fustrated....I told myself that I was going to work out like crazy like I did prior to the surgery, but I find myself working out to relieve some stress....When I come home from work...I am fustrated b/c of my job....then work out to keep from feeding my face....come home, shower, eat dinner, and pass out....Everything to me used to solved by shoving food in my mouth and now I have to find other outlets....Since my money has been funny, I really can't go out like I want to....and still trying to some type of social life...things have been kind of up and down...What I am going to do in 2010 is start going to those support groups atleast twice a month....it just sucks that its across town and traffic is crazy during the time it starts....but I think I need to be around folks that are going through the same thing I am going through....I try and talk to my friends about it, but they truly do not understand how I feel right now.....I am so blessed to have had this surgery, but I am still trying to work out the things that are going on inside of me...I look in the mirror and do see some changes, but think its not working like everyone who have had this....I always thought I was a pretty chick that was just a big girl up until the last few years when I really let myself go...at least in my eyes.....Right now I am trying to get my self esteem back in check...but its a battle everyday...I see the changes, I see the inches going away, scale's number decreasing, but in the mirror I still see this fat girl that never got asked out on a real date in a long long time, that got rejected by practically every boy that I liked, being called names and feeling like I was not good enough since I was a fat girl....It just sometimes takes a toll on me...I know I am good enough and just as fine as any skinny chick out there, but after years of being called names and being criticized...sometimes its just makes you a little bit more vunerable....you know..
I know one thing I wish I can just learn how to let go....of one thing inparticualr...I need to face the face that it will never be and just learn to let go...but its so hard...after you are used to having someone/something in your life for so long you tend to want to hold on no matter how bad the situation is or how its not doing abosutely nothing for you but causes you heartache and pain...I just pray that God gives me the strength to let go all the negativity, start living life, and learn to let go and realize that life is too short to linger on things that I do not have control over.
Dec 15, 2006