greatexpectations
5 weeks
Jun 22, 2009
...Sunday was 5 weeks out and I weighed today and i'm 299. I had hoped to be at 290 last week. So i'm 10 lbs behind. That's ok. I still have 3 more weeks to make the 30 lbs I want to for this month. And once I get closer to 250, I'll be a happier girl.
...I have been living off cough syrup for a few days now. It makes me happy and sleepy and tingly. I know that it's bad but I can't start drinking yet. So this will have to do. Something called DXM in it that is good. Good like getting high not good like for your body. I plan on talking to the doc about it.
...I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt of my ex. He's coming up here soon and he wants to talk. I have a new boy who I adore but I have a feeling my ex is going to try something. There's nervousness about it. For one, the new boy has never done anything to hurt me and he's precious but he's unknown. The ex is predictable and knowable but I also know that he left me and hurt me. I never dated much in high school. I like predictable and certain things. But I feel this new boy has done everything to prove to me he's lovely and would never hurt me so I think i'll take my chances with him and shoo away the ex. Even though the ex is in the military and is a jake gyllenhaal twin. (!!!) I cannot let his beauty overshadow his apathy.
...Well imma go back to sleep now. I took some syrup and now i'm feeling woozy. Sleep time!
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...I have been living off cough syrup for a few days now. It makes me happy and sleepy and tingly. I know that it's bad but I can't start drinking yet. So this will have to do. Something called DXM in it that is good. Good like getting high not good like for your body. I plan on talking to the doc about it.
...I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt of my ex. He's coming up here soon and he wants to talk. I have a new boy who I adore but I have a feeling my ex is going to try something. There's nervousness about it. For one, the new boy has never done anything to hurt me and he's precious but he's unknown. The ex is predictable and knowable but I also know that he left me and hurt me. I never dated much in high school. I like predictable and certain things. But I feel this new boy has done everything to prove to me he's lovely and would never hurt me so I think i'll take my chances with him and shoo away the ex. Even though the ex is in the military and is a jake gyllenhaal twin. (!!!) I cannot let his beauty overshadow his apathy.
...Well imma go back to sleep now. I took some syrup and now i'm feeling woozy. Sleep time!
...
Jun 19, 2009
...Bipolar roars its stupid ridiculous unnecessary head.
...Currently am feeling a huge failure and just huge. In reality today has only had a minor problem. Lack of doing anything. As far as food goes, I have eaten chicken twice today and am working on protein bar. So that makes the protein for today. I sipped Pepsi but I am not going to even think about it right now. No the big problem is my pit of despair, self defeating inner dialog and my craving to drink.
...I have been nearly bed ridden except for going to school this week. I just can't manage to stay up long. It isn't weakness, it's just this disgust that I have nothing to do. I wish I worked. But it's complicated and it's better if I don't work now. I make more money not working than I do working. But if I worked I would have a goal everyday, social interaction, and a reason to brush my teeth and do my hair. At current, when I do wake up I get cussed, put down or verbally abused in some way. So naturally I turn around and go back to bed where I force down the liquid lortab I have left over from surgery so I can pass out again so I don't have to think or feel.
...Problem is, the lortab is just about gone. And it's not the crap i'm after, I really don't have a problem with drugs or anything, it's the ability to go back to sleep and not think that I want. Because I just don't want to feel. Depressed, no?
...Woe is me. I feel whiny. So...anyway, if I could get the motivation to get out of bed I would certainly pop in the gym and work out hard. But I just feel so down. Maybe I need an antidepressant.
...I am at 303 right now. It's been nearly 5 weeks. That's almost 30. I feel like a failure. I don't know if it's the lack of water, the lack of exercise, not enough calories or just lame failure. Surely it's a combination. I don't feel broke, I just feel like I haven't started yet. Maybe my expectations are too high. My surgery went great and I healed fast. Others had a harder surgery and harder recovery and so they lost more. I really hate eating. I love throwing up. It makes me feel better. Even if I don't eat that much. Just to know i'm not getting those calories. Which is stupid since I need some calories.
...I'm scared to tell my doc. They'll probably just say "you suck." Or..."better eat some and work out." Duh. Maybe I should just tell my psychiatrist. I am suppose to see him on Monday. I was thinking about canceling. Maybe I shouldn't. Probably better not.
...I want to be 270 in 3 weeks. I have a strong feeling I might be at 290. MIGHT. And 10 lbs in 3 weeks to me is epic failure. :( Why can't I just feel better?
...This brings me to my thoughts on my weight and psych problems. They mostly started (or got out of hand) when I got out of high school. I did not adjust well. High school was safe for me. I had a goal everyday. I had supportive people around me (friends). I had several opportunities to be successful and be rewarded (choir, theatre, class, clubs). Real world isn't like that. You have to figure crap out on your own. You call the shots. You are not surrounded by like minded peers in the same situation as you. It's very different.
...I was thin 4 years ago. I was happy. And then high school ended and I was faced with my friends leaving and being on my own and not having anyone. And trying to find a good serious job with just a high school diploma is impossible. You must have college and even then it's hard. So that was a joke.
...I feel like a big whiny idiot. I just want to drink some alcohol and go back to sleep and dream. Should I have a drink? I'm really not sure if I should or not. If I have the rest of the lortab I can probably fit 4-5 more hours of sleep in which will put me at 5 am. Maybe I wouldn't have to have a whole bottle to get drunk. Maybe it would just take a little bit. Then I wouldn't feel so bad about the calories.
...Cripes. Bad ideas all around. I'm just thinking out loud here. Imma take a bath and try to think positive. I hope when I leave my room I do not get harassed.
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...Currently am feeling a huge failure and just huge. In reality today has only had a minor problem. Lack of doing anything. As far as food goes, I have eaten chicken twice today and am working on protein bar. So that makes the protein for today. I sipped Pepsi but I am not going to even think about it right now. No the big problem is my pit of despair, self defeating inner dialog and my craving to drink.
...I have been nearly bed ridden except for going to school this week. I just can't manage to stay up long. It isn't weakness, it's just this disgust that I have nothing to do. I wish I worked. But it's complicated and it's better if I don't work now. I make more money not working than I do working. But if I worked I would have a goal everyday, social interaction, and a reason to brush my teeth and do my hair. At current, when I do wake up I get cussed, put down or verbally abused in some way. So naturally I turn around and go back to bed where I force down the liquid lortab I have left over from surgery so I can pass out again so I don't have to think or feel.
...Problem is, the lortab is just about gone. And it's not the crap i'm after, I really don't have a problem with drugs or anything, it's the ability to go back to sleep and not think that I want. Because I just don't want to feel. Depressed, no?
...Woe is me. I feel whiny. So...anyway, if I could get the motivation to get out of bed I would certainly pop in the gym and work out hard. But I just feel so down. Maybe I need an antidepressant.
...I am at 303 right now. It's been nearly 5 weeks. That's almost 30. I feel like a failure. I don't know if it's the lack of water, the lack of exercise, not enough calories or just lame failure. Surely it's a combination. I don't feel broke, I just feel like I haven't started yet. Maybe my expectations are too high. My surgery went great and I healed fast. Others had a harder surgery and harder recovery and so they lost more. I really hate eating. I love throwing up. It makes me feel better. Even if I don't eat that much. Just to know i'm not getting those calories. Which is stupid since I need some calories.
...I'm scared to tell my doc. They'll probably just say "you suck." Or..."better eat some and work out." Duh. Maybe I should just tell my psychiatrist. I am suppose to see him on Monday. I was thinking about canceling. Maybe I shouldn't. Probably better not.
...I want to be 270 in 3 weeks. I have a strong feeling I might be at 290. MIGHT. And 10 lbs in 3 weeks to me is epic failure. :( Why can't I just feel better?
...This brings me to my thoughts on my weight and psych problems. They mostly started (or got out of hand) when I got out of high school. I did not adjust well. High school was safe for me. I had a goal everyday. I had supportive people around me (friends). I had several opportunities to be successful and be rewarded (choir, theatre, class, clubs). Real world isn't like that. You have to figure crap out on your own. You call the shots. You are not surrounded by like minded peers in the same situation as you. It's very different.
...I was thin 4 years ago. I was happy. And then high school ended and I was faced with my friends leaving and being on my own and not having anyone. And trying to find a good serious job with just a high school diploma is impossible. You must have college and even then it's hard. So that was a joke.
...I feel like a big whiny idiot. I just want to drink some alcohol and go back to sleep and dream. Should I have a drink? I'm really not sure if I should or not. If I have the rest of the lortab I can probably fit 4-5 more hours of sleep in which will put me at 5 am. Maybe I wouldn't have to have a whole bottle to get drunk. Maybe it would just take a little bit. Then I wouldn't feel so bad about the calories.
...Cripes. Bad ideas all around. I'm just thinking out loud here. Imma take a bath and try to think positive. I hope when I leave my room I do not get harassed.
Today
Jun 18, 2009
...Today was a good day.
...I made a friend! In class I made a friend who is a girl (big deal). I usually have a hard time making friends with girls just cuz so many are so catty. But this one is very nice. She's my age but she's married with a little girl. But that wasn't weird. She likes a few of the same things as me but the main thing is she is totally sweet. So i'm glad I have a new friend to do stuff with.
...We went to lunch today. (first time out to eat with someone!) We went to an italian place and I got the cheese ravioli. I ate about 4 of the raviolis but a bite or two of salad and one bite of bread. I sipped some water and that was that. I felt full but not stuffed. So I think I did good. I know there are carbs in the ravioli and bread but there was a lot of cheese and that's good for calcium.
...So I ate my first protein bar today. I ate half before school and then the other half just a little bit ago. It was hard to get the second half down. Those things are big (3.4oz). They have 30g of protein in one bar though. Which is excellent. I ate a few ounces of chicken earlier and then plus the cheese I know that I hit 50g of protein today. So hopefully I will start to see some pounds drop now that I am getting in my protein. The protein bar is called Supreme Protein Carb Conscious Caramel Nut chocolate. It tastes like a candy bar. It's just a lot to get down. I feel a little bleh after 1 1/2 ounces of it. I kinda wanted to drink milk with it. Melting Mama had an entry about it on her site so that where I found out about them. I got it at GNC for about 30.00$ (I have a card there). I am hoping I can manage to get one a day in. I might have to break them up more. Cuz it's just so much. It's time like this that I know I haven't stretched my pouch.
...I did sip pepsi some today. I know i've got to stop that. It's very hard to do when it's in the house but I can't get rid of it since other people drink it. And I didn't work out today. I have trouble sleeping at night and so I sleep during the day and then I miss going to the gym. I slept from 3 till 11 today. Was up all last night and this morning.
...I had my first test in abnormal psych today. I think I did well. It wasn't hard. Just a few confusing questions about what type of counseling was provided in certain scenarios, cognitive, behaviorist, humanistic or learning. But I think I made an A. So go me.
...So things are going good. Working hard on the A's, got my protein in and the boy is well loved. So go me. Good day.
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...I made a friend! In class I made a friend who is a girl (big deal). I usually have a hard time making friends with girls just cuz so many are so catty. But this one is very nice. She's my age but she's married with a little girl. But that wasn't weird. She likes a few of the same things as me but the main thing is she is totally sweet. So i'm glad I have a new friend to do stuff with.
...We went to lunch today. (first time out to eat with someone!) We went to an italian place and I got the cheese ravioli. I ate about 4 of the raviolis but a bite or two of salad and one bite of bread. I sipped some water and that was that. I felt full but not stuffed. So I think I did good. I know there are carbs in the ravioli and bread but there was a lot of cheese and that's good for calcium.
...So I ate my first protein bar today. I ate half before school and then the other half just a little bit ago. It was hard to get the second half down. Those things are big (3.4oz). They have 30g of protein in one bar though. Which is excellent. I ate a few ounces of chicken earlier and then plus the cheese I know that I hit 50g of protein today. So hopefully I will start to see some pounds drop now that I am getting in my protein. The protein bar is called Supreme Protein Carb Conscious Caramel Nut chocolate. It tastes like a candy bar. It's just a lot to get down. I feel a little bleh after 1 1/2 ounces of it. I kinda wanted to drink milk with it. Melting Mama had an entry about it on her site so that where I found out about them. I got it at GNC for about 30.00$ (I have a card there). I am hoping I can manage to get one a day in. I might have to break them up more. Cuz it's just so much. It's time like this that I know I haven't stretched my pouch.
...I did sip pepsi some today. I know i've got to stop that. It's very hard to do when it's in the house but I can't get rid of it since other people drink it. And I didn't work out today. I have trouble sleeping at night and so I sleep during the day and then I miss going to the gym. I slept from 3 till 11 today. Was up all last night and this morning.
...I had my first test in abnormal psych today. I think I did well. It wasn't hard. Just a few confusing questions about what type of counseling was provided in certain scenarios, cognitive, behaviorist, humanistic or learning. But I think I made an A. So go me.
...So things are going good. Working hard on the A's, got my protein in and the boy is well loved. So go me. Good day.
Quick review of situation
Jun 16, 2009
...Am going to get protein bars today. I am excited. I am going to get my protein in much easier this way with something chewy. Screw you shakes.
...Today is my 4 month anniversary with a certain boy. Major success! I must get in good shape so I can feel worthy of being totally pampered. He spoils me so.
...I am going to get an excellent job when the time comes. Already got an internship and I'll be doing good when I get done with school. I looked up stuff on Monster and I feel confident in the HR field. I really need to get an internship though in the HR field specifically. I will look into that next summer. As for now, a research internship is not shabby. Go me.
...So at present moment, things look good. I will start eating protein bars, I will continue with working out, I will continue to do good in school, I will charm the boy some more and then in a few months I will have some A's, have a smitten boy, and be thinner. Yays for me.
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...Today is my 4 month anniversary with a certain boy. Major success! I must get in good shape so I can feel worthy of being totally pampered. He spoils me so.
...I am going to get an excellent job when the time comes. Already got an internship and I'll be doing good when I get done with school. I looked up stuff on Monster and I feel confident in the HR field. I really need to get an internship though in the HR field specifically. I will look into that next summer. As for now, a research internship is not shabby. Go me.
...So at present moment, things look good. I will start eating protein bars, I will continue with working out, I will continue to do good in school, I will charm the boy some more and then in a few months I will have some A's, have a smitten boy, and be thinner. Yays for me.
Epic Fail
Jun 15, 2009
...So epic fail for the first day of starting over. Go figure. But really I have an excuse. :D
...So this is gross so if you're a boy, go away. I have had blood running down my legs for the past 2 days. I've been on my period for about 1.5 weeks now and it got real bad yesterday. Gushing, bright red blood down both legs. Huge mess in bed that resembles a small murder. Clots of...yeah..Gross to the max. And the thing is I haven't had a period in forever!
...The thing with that is not that I have PCOS or anything, I have a brain tumor on my pituitary gland that is *wonderful* and makes too much prolactin thus making my body think it is already pregnant so the periods are scarce and my boobs are swollen. It's *awesome*.
...So that is why the period is shocking. And it's lasting for-ever. I seriously bleed out within an hour of putting on clothes. I change my tampon about once every hour or two. It's pathetic. Ick. Nast.
...Now, I because of this lovely red river I have not done right on my first day of starting over. I know I shouldn't have any excuses but I suck. I will simply have to try again tomorrow. So epic fail for today. I didn't get in my protein all the way ( maybe 30-40g) and I didn't take my vits but I did get in enough water. So one small win. Needless to say working out was not an option with the blood.
...I will achieve my goals this month. 30 lbs is what I want to lose. And I will lose it, just as soon as I start. Which will be tomorrow. Which I hope to wake up to no period. That would be great. I think I stink of blood. (yes I showered). But still.
...I think I am going to get chewable vitamins. And I need to like tape them to my door in the morning so I have to take them to get out or something.
...I am lame. Do not offer me support. I should be chastised. I bet when I go to the surgeon and get my bloodwork done they are gonna be ashamed of me. I feel healthy though. Well ish. I feel a little weak from the bleeding. But ohhh! I remembered.
...I was going to talk about how much better I feel since getting these 30 lbs off. I feel much better. I can walk and not die. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack before. But now I can go to class just fine. No worries. And I don't run out of breath all embarassingly. I still take the elevator just cuz I don't like stairs (i am an ass, idc) but I at least can walk the billion miles (1/2 mile) from my car to the building. Yays!
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...So this is gross so if you're a boy, go away. I have had blood running down my legs for the past 2 days. I've been on my period for about 1.5 weeks now and it got real bad yesterday. Gushing, bright red blood down both legs. Huge mess in bed that resembles a small murder. Clots of...yeah..Gross to the max. And the thing is I haven't had a period in forever!
...The thing with that is not that I have PCOS or anything, I have a brain tumor on my pituitary gland that is *wonderful* and makes too much prolactin thus making my body think it is already pregnant so the periods are scarce and my boobs are swollen. It's *awesome*.
...So that is why the period is shocking. And it's lasting for-ever. I seriously bleed out within an hour of putting on clothes. I change my tampon about once every hour or two. It's pathetic. Ick. Nast.
...Now, I because of this lovely red river I have not done right on my first day of starting over. I know I shouldn't have any excuses but I suck. I will simply have to try again tomorrow. So epic fail for today. I didn't get in my protein all the way ( maybe 30-40g) and I didn't take my vits but I did get in enough water. So one small win. Needless to say working out was not an option with the blood.
...I will achieve my goals this month. 30 lbs is what I want to lose. And I will lose it, just as soon as I start. Which will be tomorrow. Which I hope to wake up to no period. That would be great. I think I stink of blood. (yes I showered). But still.
...I think I am going to get chewable vitamins. And I need to like tape them to my door in the morning so I have to take them to get out or something.
...I am lame. Do not offer me support. I should be chastised. I bet when I go to the surgeon and get my bloodwork done they are gonna be ashamed of me. I feel healthy though. Well ish. I feel a little weak from the bleeding. But ohhh! I remembered.
...I was going to talk about how much better I feel since getting these 30 lbs off. I feel much better. I can walk and not die. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack before. But now I can go to class just fine. No worries. And I don't run out of breath all embarassingly. I still take the elevator just cuz I don't like stairs (i am an ass, idc) but I at least can walk the billion miles (1/2 mile) from my car to the building. Yays!
Start Over
Jun 12, 2009
...I think all people who struggle with their weight are familiar with the "starting over" sentiments. You start over your diet, you start over your work out schedule, you start over your life. And we start over because we make mistakes that seem too overwhelming or big to be called small slip ups. We aren't comfortable with slip ups. We think we have to be perfect to acheive success. At least this is my perception of things, let me know if i'm right or wrong.
...So my point is I am starting over. (go figure) I am almost 1 month out and I'm hovering around 305. Stupid 305. I haven't been getting my protein in and I have been sipping pepsi. Also, and this really is bad, I have been eating more than I should. And I drink when I eat. Essentially, every rule they give you I have broken. I am not a happy rebel. I didn't mean to, it just happened!
...Now that i've confessed the worst of it, I must mention the best. I have worked out 3 times this week and intend to go tomorrow. That is good. I have been stocking the house with healthy foods. I haven't been eating really terrible foods. Short list, no?
...Something shocking I learned is that apparently baby post ops are suppose to have like 500 cal only. Did not know this. I repeatedly asked my dietitian what caloric intake I should be at, her response was "just eat what's on the list and don't worry." Two problems 1) I eat a lot of what's on the list 2) I make liberal interpretations of what is on the list. If she would just say "no more than 700 cal a day" I would say "ok." But this did not happen. I don't even want to guesstimate how much I have been hitting. Maybe around 800? Nothing compared to what I was eating but that's not the point.
...I am dissatisfied with my current loss. And it's my fault.
...So...gameplan time... An activity I am quite familiar with. I am going to try to go back to liquids. With maybe some cheese. I MUST get the idiotic shake in a day. It's got 52g of protein (but it has 250 cal!) so if I can just struggle to get that down then essentially I don't have to eat anything else for the rest of the day. I need to get in water but I'm alright on that front. I like water and the best thing is I can eat a bajillion sf popsicles and that counts as liquids and so yes.
...Part two of gameplan, I am going to fit in 30 minutes of "good" (as in sweating and somewhat effort) work out a day. I can do this. I can handle 30 minutes. And then later I will try adding the pool in afterwards. Cuz the pool is just plain fun. I don't care who you are. Swimming is fun. Especially when there's no one to look at you except old people. No young hooligans in their bikinis with their abs and their skinny legs. Yuck. They can go away forever. Just kidding..one day I hope to look like them but I will not be like them. They are much too annoying for my tastes.
...So gameplan is back to liquids, 30 min workouts daily. If I don't lose some more damn weight Imma kill something. (a bug probably) but my fury will be unleashed on some living creature.
...Now for some whiny ranting. Ugh. The homelife is suckage. I will leave it at that. But it's pure suckage. I wish I had my own house. I *hate* living at home. I want a house and a puppy. A house with big windows and a puppy who doesn't pooh in the house. :) That would make me happy. And a certain boy to be with me. But no....I have to wait until I finish school before said boy and I can have said house and puppy. How stupid. Also, no one is contacting me to babysit. This is pissing me off. I put my ad on craigslist and have had only 1 reply and the lady doesn't need me right now. I need cash for to pay silly doctors. Yay life. (sarcasm). It's not as bad as I think it is. I just really can't stand living at home. I want to have my own place. Where there are no people criticising me and getting into my stuff. That's all.
p.s. I love messages and comments. Thanks to you who gimme them. Makes me feel like someone is reading this crapola that is my thoughts.
2 comments
...So my point is I am starting over. (go figure) I am almost 1 month out and I'm hovering around 305. Stupid 305. I haven't been getting my protein in and I have been sipping pepsi. Also, and this really is bad, I have been eating more than I should. And I drink when I eat. Essentially, every rule they give you I have broken. I am not a happy rebel. I didn't mean to, it just happened!
...Now that i've confessed the worst of it, I must mention the best. I have worked out 3 times this week and intend to go tomorrow. That is good. I have been stocking the house with healthy foods. I haven't been eating really terrible foods. Short list, no?
...Something shocking I learned is that apparently baby post ops are suppose to have like 500 cal only. Did not know this. I repeatedly asked my dietitian what caloric intake I should be at, her response was "just eat what's on the list and don't worry." Two problems 1) I eat a lot of what's on the list 2) I make liberal interpretations of what is on the list. If she would just say "no more than 700 cal a day" I would say "ok." But this did not happen. I don't even want to guesstimate how much I have been hitting. Maybe around 800? Nothing compared to what I was eating but that's not the point.
...I am dissatisfied with my current loss. And it's my fault.
...So...gameplan time... An activity I am quite familiar with. I am going to try to go back to liquids. With maybe some cheese. I MUST get the idiotic shake in a day. It's got 52g of protein (but it has 250 cal!) so if I can just struggle to get that down then essentially I don't have to eat anything else for the rest of the day. I need to get in water but I'm alright on that front. I like water and the best thing is I can eat a bajillion sf popsicles and that counts as liquids and so yes.
...Part two of gameplan, I am going to fit in 30 minutes of "good" (as in sweating and somewhat effort) work out a day. I can do this. I can handle 30 minutes. And then later I will try adding the pool in afterwards. Cuz the pool is just plain fun. I don't care who you are. Swimming is fun. Especially when there's no one to look at you except old people. No young hooligans in their bikinis with their abs and their skinny legs. Yuck. They can go away forever. Just kidding..one day I hope to look like them but I will not be like them. They are much too annoying for my tastes.
...So gameplan is back to liquids, 30 min workouts daily. If I don't lose some more damn weight Imma kill something. (a bug probably) but my fury will be unleashed on some living creature.
...Now for some whiny ranting. Ugh. The homelife is suckage. I will leave it at that. But it's pure suckage. I wish I had my own house. I *hate* living at home. I want a house and a puppy. A house with big windows and a puppy who doesn't pooh in the house. :) That would make me happy. And a certain boy to be with me. But no....I have to wait until I finish school before said boy and I can have said house and puppy. How stupid. Also, no one is contacting me to babysit. This is pissing me off. I put my ad on craigslist and have had only 1 reply and the lady doesn't need me right now. I need cash for to pay silly doctors. Yay life. (sarcasm). It's not as bad as I think it is. I just really can't stand living at home. I want to have my own place. Where there are no people criticising me and getting into my stuff. That's all.
p.s. I love messages and comments. Thanks to you who gimme them. Makes me feel like someone is reading this crapola that is my thoughts.
Confessions
Jun 08, 2009
...So I haven't lost anymore. Well.. I have been a scale whore and it bounces around. I weighed and it said 302.5 (lowest since surgery) but then after I ate, it said 307. So i'm gonna go by 302.5 so that's a small loss this week. I am just over 3 weeks out and i've gone from 331 tops to 302.5 which is 28.5. My goal was 40lbs this month.
...I will be a happy girl when I get down to the 240s. God 240 sounds skinny to me. And because I'm tallish I looked like a "big girl" and not an obese slob. Which is half what I look like now. It's just so hard to get clothes to fit nicely on you when you're lumpy and large. You know what i'm talking about. But at 240 I can wear a 20/18 ish and that's in regular stores folks!! So heck yes..big girl land and not hugeness. 18 is a nice number. But 14 is better. And then 12 and then the the very best, 10!! I was a 10 in high school.
...Ok so what am I confessing? I am confessing that I don't have a sugar intolerance. The doctor apparently did not do that little part of the surgery. Others seem to dump at the slightest bit of sugar and yet I can have sugar and nothing. That time I thought I was "dumping" that was just low blood sugar. Apparently I have some hypoglycemia ( i have had it my whole life but i drank about a 2 liter of pepsi throughout the day so i never got low blood sugar) but now that I have not been having much sugar..it's roaring its ugly head. My solution? Small sips of the delicious nectar of the Gods known as Pepsi. OMG..how I have missed you darling. Yes I have been sneaking small sips of pepsi. But I am trying to keep from having to do that often. I just take a few sips in the morning to prevent passing out early and then I eat little snacks (usually delish cheese) throughout the day. The laughing cow cheese lite is deliciousness. Yum!
...I worked out for an hour today. I walked 2.3 miles. I plan on going at least 4 times a week possbily more and then definitely more when I am smaller and feel like it. Plus the doc isn't letting me do a lot of things until a month out.
...About my hunger, some days I pig. I snack a lot but on low fat stuff. Oooo! I forget to say something. Another confession, I love throwing up. I know that sounds crazy but after never being able to now I can. It just comes up. I don't throw up from overeating cuz I eat about 2-3 ounces and I was told I could handle 4 ounces. Honestly, I like being able to sip water after I eat (i know i know, but i get thirsty) so I leave an ounce for a sip. I only throw up when I eat something too rough or it just doesn't sit right. Chicken sometimes doesn't sit right. And I do chew it up good. But I like throwing up. You get to eat and then your stomach is empty! Magic!!!
...School starts tomorrow and thank god. I was needing something to do. Right now I am counting down until A) I hit 240 B) Big Love comes out on DVD C) My trip at the end of the year....................
p.s. amelia is writing a book! imma buy that for sure!
0 comments
...I will be a happy girl when I get down to the 240s. God 240 sounds skinny to me. And because I'm tallish I looked like a "big girl" and not an obese slob. Which is half what I look like now. It's just so hard to get clothes to fit nicely on you when you're lumpy and large. You know what i'm talking about. But at 240 I can wear a 20/18 ish and that's in regular stores folks!! So heck yes..big girl land and not hugeness. 18 is a nice number. But 14 is better. And then 12 and then the the very best, 10!! I was a 10 in high school.
...Ok so what am I confessing? I am confessing that I don't have a sugar intolerance. The doctor apparently did not do that little part of the surgery. Others seem to dump at the slightest bit of sugar and yet I can have sugar and nothing. That time I thought I was "dumping" that was just low blood sugar. Apparently I have some hypoglycemia ( i have had it my whole life but i drank about a 2 liter of pepsi throughout the day so i never got low blood sugar) but now that I have not been having much sugar..it's roaring its ugly head. My solution? Small sips of the delicious nectar of the Gods known as Pepsi. OMG..how I have missed you darling. Yes I have been sneaking small sips of pepsi. But I am trying to keep from having to do that often. I just take a few sips in the morning to prevent passing out early and then I eat little snacks (usually delish cheese) throughout the day. The laughing cow cheese lite is deliciousness. Yum!
...I worked out for an hour today. I walked 2.3 miles. I plan on going at least 4 times a week possbily more and then definitely more when I am smaller and feel like it. Plus the doc isn't letting me do a lot of things until a month out.
...About my hunger, some days I pig. I snack a lot but on low fat stuff. Oooo! I forget to say something. Another confession, I love throwing up. I know that sounds crazy but after never being able to now I can. It just comes up. I don't throw up from overeating cuz I eat about 2-3 ounces and I was told I could handle 4 ounces. Honestly, I like being able to sip water after I eat (i know i know, but i get thirsty) so I leave an ounce for a sip. I only throw up when I eat something too rough or it just doesn't sit right. Chicken sometimes doesn't sit right. And I do chew it up good. But I like throwing up. You get to eat and then your stomach is empty! Magic!!!
...School starts tomorrow and thank god. I was needing something to do. Right now I am counting down until A) I hit 240 B) Big Love comes out on DVD C) My trip at the end of the year....................
p.s. amelia is writing a book! imma buy that for sure!
I threw up!
May 29, 2009
...First time to throw up! And I have never been a thrower upper. Just didn't have it in me, otherwise i'd have been bulimic forever ago. But yeah I got really thirsty after my protein drink so I thought i'd have a few sips but I gulped instead and a few seconds later omg this horrible pain! And then I was puking in the bathroom! So I guess my pouch isn't broke and it does work. That protein shake is long gone though. I need to start getting it in early in the day. So I have time to break it into two. OMG water has never tasted so good until this surgery. I get so thirsty. Now I know why they say not to drink and eat at the same time. Better listen!!
0 comments
First Post Op Appt
May 29, 2009
...Saw Dr. Kennedy today. She is really lovely. I got my legs scanned for blood clots and I met with the dietitian. The doc says I'm doing good. I'm down 23 lbs total from before surgery. It's not as much as I wanted but we shall see what the next two weeks bring. If I lose another 23 lbs, i'll be plenty happy. I'm just scared it'll slow down on me.
...I got to eat real food today. I had half a chicken salad sandwich from Chik fil a on the ride home. I was hungry! It was delicious. Half a sandwich filled me up. I am going to plan out some menus for the next two weeks and go shopping for food. There are so many things I want to cook and make (never cooked before) so it should be fun.
...I am feeling like I need a schedule. I have decided to get a job. Now I just have to find one that works with school. I don't want to work too much. Just a little. I still have to keep days open for doctor appointments and homework. I'll be doing an internship plus two classes this summer plus working out. So working is just gonna have to be really special for it to happen.
...Speaking of working out, they said I can't do anything but walk. I feel jipped. I really wanted to get on the elliptical and go swimming. Now I can't. Not for another two weeks. I think tomorrow imma go get a gym membership and walk on the treadmill. I can at least do that. Maybe it will help me lose faster.
...Well other than missing caffeine, I'm doing better. I desperately want to taste some pepsi but I know that it'll kill me. So i haven't. Have any of you been able to have soda after surgery? I know I shouldn't drink it but I just want to taste it.
2 comments
...I got to eat real food today. I had half a chicken salad sandwich from Chik fil a on the ride home. I was hungry! It was delicious. Half a sandwich filled me up. I am going to plan out some menus for the next two weeks and go shopping for food. There are so many things I want to cook and make (never cooked before) so it should be fun.
...I am feeling like I need a schedule. I have decided to get a job. Now I just have to find one that works with school. I don't want to work too much. Just a little. I still have to keep days open for doctor appointments and homework. I'll be doing an internship plus two classes this summer plus working out. So working is just gonna have to be really special for it to happen.
...Speaking of working out, they said I can't do anything but walk. I feel jipped. I really wanted to get on the elliptical and go swimming. Now I can't. Not for another two weeks. I think tomorrow imma go get a gym membership and walk on the treadmill. I can at least do that. Maybe it will help me lose faster.
...Well other than missing caffeine, I'm doing better. I desperately want to taste some pepsi but I know that it'll kill me. So i haven't. Have any of you been able to have soda after surgery? I know I shouldn't drink it but I just want to taste it.
Problems
May 25, 2009
...I hate my life. I have hated it for a while. I keep coming up with ideas for a new life. I just wish money wasn't such a problem. I would take off and live somewhere else. Bleh. I am so f'n bored. College sucks. No, the part in between when you are bored sucks. I wish I had a class to take my mind off things. Part of me wishes I worked. I would like to work right now. Just go somewhere and do something and get tired. I am in a permanent loungingness state. F'n boring. I need friends. I have none. I am so lame. Ugh.
...I ate cheese. I'm not suppose to for another 3 days. I ate some grated parm. And it was good. I am so sick of liquids. I want to eat something that's heavy in my stomach. I want a f'n sandwich. F! I also did something. I fake ate a hamburger. I chewed it up and spit it out. It tasted good. But it's hard teaching yourself not to swallow.
...I am sick of protein shakes. They are gross. The milk makes me sick. And I must be weird but I like the sick feeling. Like I'm going to throw up. I think it will be a lot easier to do this once I can eat real food again. I will be able to eat lean jerky and get in my protein and chew something. And i've got a thousand recipes I want to try for WLS peeps. Imma make a delish sandwich.
...I want to sleep this away. I am so bored. I don't feel like anything happened at all. I thought this would change things. It has changed nothing except I don't eat whatever I want. And now I might die if I get a stomach ache. That's pretty much it. Lame. But this is better than the alternative. Alternative being diabetes and hugeness forever. It's only been a little over a week and already I am depressed. Maybe it's the anathesia. They said this could happen. Lame Bipolar!!
...Pay no attention to me. I babble.
3 comments
...I ate cheese. I'm not suppose to for another 3 days. I ate some grated parm. And it was good. I am so sick of liquids. I want to eat something that's heavy in my stomach. I want a f'n sandwich. F! I also did something. I fake ate a hamburger. I chewed it up and spit it out. It tasted good. But it's hard teaching yourself not to swallow.
...I am sick of protein shakes. They are gross. The milk makes me sick. And I must be weird but I like the sick feeling. Like I'm going to throw up. I think it will be a lot easier to do this once I can eat real food again. I will be able to eat lean jerky and get in my protein and chew something. And i've got a thousand recipes I want to try for WLS peeps. Imma make a delish sandwich.
...I want to sleep this away. I am so bored. I don't feel like anything happened at all. I thought this would change things. It has changed nothing except I don't eat whatever I want. And now I might die if I get a stomach ache. That's pretty much it. Lame. But this is better than the alternative. Alternative being diabetes and hugeness forever. It's only been a little over a week and already I am depressed. Maybe it's the anathesia. They said this could happen. Lame Bipolar!!
...Pay no attention to me. I babble.
