Dinka Doo

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT???? Look up! Up there! No, no! To your left....at the top. Do you see that BMI? 39.8 baby! Woohoooo! No longer in the 50's and no longer in the 40's!!! ::sigh:: I am beginning to feel more relaxed with this weight loss. I think that has to be the hardest part about this surgery for me is that feeling of failure. No matter how logical you are or how you are able to reason through things, it just happens. You just let yourself get into that old dieting self-talk that from here on out you won't lose a thing. Okay - now I hope I can remember it for next time. LOL - easier said than done!!!

I was a very very very VERY bad girl today. Dare I even say it? ::gasp:: I dunno if I want to admit this because it truly is a bad thing. Oh well - confession being good for the soul (but hell to pay if you mention this in certain circles!): I ate a......

a.....

a....A DONUT, OKAY???? I had a stinking donut. I have no excuse. In fact it might have been a slight act of defiance. It might have been an experiment to see if I would dump. I might have been because my DH wanted donuts and I let myself be weak. I mean, it wasn't like I had to have it, but I did anyway. I have been pretty good and really don't venture to sugary starchy things with the exception of fruit which I like to have at least 1x a day. But I did have it. I was fine but I couldn't quite finish a whole glazed. I knew I would be chancing it to have a cake donut...I knew that would make me dump, so I didn't go there. Glazed isn't my favorite, but that was what I knew would be the least damaging to me. So I had that and we drove around for about and hour and I was fine. I think the thing is, the donut was fluffy enough to not wash through my pouch and make me dump. BUT THEN....I decided to have a couple of crackers w/cheese and lunchmeat from a lunchable with my son about an hour or hour and a half later. Well, the donut was still sitting in my stomach and I ended up getting full. It pushed the donut out of my stomach and WHAMO...sick as a dog. So there ya go - I got sick on a lunchable but not
a donut! ROFL!

Truly though - please don't write me and tell me that I'm setting myself up to fail. Please don't write me and tell me I am on a self-destructive roll. Please don't tell me that I just sold my soul to the sugar devil. None of it is true and I know myself better than anyone else. I can laugh this off because I see it for what it is - an experiment to see what the dealio is. A moment of being a little kid and allowing myself to not be perfect. I really can't stand it when you go onto a forum joking about something stupid you did that made you dump and then get barraged with those frantic people who are so certain that you are going to gain it all back. Nothing worse than someone who gets that fanatical after their surgery. I know why people panic, but like my counselor says - that black and white thinking is what got me into this mess. I have to agree with her there. My problem wasn't the fact that I ate donuts. Those weren't my poison of choice. My problem stemmed from overeating to the point of misery when I was a kid - which were all based on emotional issues. So when I dealt with those issues, my huge stomach remained and my hunger was always there. My goal here was to be as normal as I could be. That means having a half a sandwich and a couple of chips for lunch sometimes and being happy with it. You just don't know how much I envied the thin people who would bring their lunch in a little brown paper bag and that lunch consisted of a skinny little sandwich with 1 slice of meat, a few baby carrots or an apple and milk or diet soda. I haven't been satisfied on that since I was in grade school. Now here I am and I'm able to have that and feel satisfied. This was my dream. To not have to carry in a lunch bag jammed to the gills with lunch and snacks to last me through my shift.

Anyway, I got off track, didn't I? ;o) I guess I should hit the hay. I didn't go to church last week because I stayed up too late, so I don't want to miss it if I can keep from it today. Okay - so here is my next goal: I *hope* I can be down a full 75 lbs (from surgery) by my 5 month anniversary. I'm 4 lbs away and 3 whole days. Hmmmmm - somehow I don't think it will happen. But that's okay. When I get to slide that bar over on my scale to the 200 spot instead of the 250, you are going to hear a shout around the world!

I am BUMMED! I have been stuck at 63 lbs lost for over 2 weeks now. I play with 1 lb that brings me to 64 lbs but it goes back and forth and usually keeps me at 63 lbs down. I am never 64 lbs down for a whole day. :::grrrrr::: I hate these stinking plateaus. It's not like I'm doing anything to sabatoge myself. So I didn't walk every single day last week. I did walk several of them. And I swam a LOT on top of that. And I don't want to hear about muscle. Yes, I know it weighs more than fat, but this is freaking ridiculous. I am SERIOUSLY STUCK and am about to have a cow. I just better start losing soon or I'm going to pop a vein or something!!!

On a sad note, last night I walked into work, sat down and relieved a co-worker for a break. No sooner did I sit down than I had to dispatch a head on collision where 5 people died. That's just way tragic. One was a 2 month old infant. The almost 3 year old girl survived but has lost her whole family. I don't want to go into details but all I will say is it sapped the energy out of me. Then to add insult to injury, so to speak, at then end of my 12 hour shift, I get ANOTHER multiple fatal. 2 confirmed with 1 more possible by the time I left. People - ANYONE READING THIS: STOP AGGRESSIVE DRIVING AND MAKING BAD PASSES. AND GOOD GRAVY, IF YOU DRINK AND DRIVE I ONLY HOPE YOU KILL YOURSELF. You just don't know how many fatal accidents happen all the time, and you just have no clue how aggressive driving causes a vast portion of them. If you can't cope, see a shrink. Pull off the road and let the anger dissipate. Don't take a perfectly beautiful weekend and ruin it by killing someone. Just be SAFE on the roads, okay?

Rant over. Just feeling pissy all over the place here. No more death. My birthday is tomorrow....hope I can get there with a smile on my face instead of a grimace.

These are my 4 month progress pictures...down 60 lbs.

Well, 2 more days to my 4 month anniversary and of all thing I went up 2 lbs yesterday! :::grumble::: Okay, I realize it's just "water weight" but it still bites the big one. Here I was hoping to see 60 lbs by my 4 month. That's not too much to ask, is it? Sometimes I feel like I'm treading water with the weight loss, but then when I put on my pants they hang on me, so I know I'm losing. I also have to remind myself that I am walking now (up to 1.3 miles a day...hope to get it up to 5 very soon...just get too tired right now). When we exercise, we build muscle, right? Right? Please tell me that is where my weight is going! LOL! To be fair, I have eaten an awful lot of that Tillamook steak chunk jerky lately.  It may be good for me with the protein, but the salt level is up there, so I'm sure I'm just retaining water. ::sigh::

On another note, I am battling a bladder infection. Yeesh. I don't get them often so I always don't realize it's happening until it's pretty bad. I didn't think I'd make it through work last night but it got better as the night drew on. I have been sipping on my diet cranberry juice and it is seeming to help. I may not need to go to the doctor after all. One can hope.

Things are as hectic as ever for me. I'm not able to keep up and do as many profiles as I'd like for OH with all the overtime at work. Holy cow - work. Yeesh. The 5th I went in and the dispatcher I was relieving had just dispatched his 3rd fatal accident that day. I got the last one handed off to me. What a horrible thing - yanno? It's always holidays when people want to get together with family and it's always holidays when someone travelling to or from family gets killed in a wreck. For years it made me neurotic about road trips. There is still a stretch of road I don't like to travel because I know how many fatals we have there. Nothing like working in law enforcement to make you neurotic and afraid of your own shadow!!!

So anyway, between the overtime, doing profiles at OH, doing siggies for another wls group I'm on, managing a parenting group, creating a website for my local support group, exercising, etc etc etc....::SIGH:: I'm pooped! I have so many things to do and I always forget these things until it's 2am and at work when I can't do anything about it. Such is life. Well, I will try to remember to update on my anniversary date but who knows. I probably won't if I don't go below the 267 listed up there on my chart!!! LOL. Oh yeah - the chart shows I'm at 71 lost but that was from my highest. When I say I'm down 58, it's from surgery. :o)

Well, I am now down 55 lbs. I'm starting to "believe" this is going to happen now, but still remain pessimistic to a degree. How DOES that happen? I guess it's easy to get caught up in the negative things you hear and focus on those. For instance - on thinnerself.com they show me as having a goal of 227 over the course of the years. The line of weight loss I'm following, which is slow, is what theirs shows. Hard not to get discouraged because it is a slow loss. So it made me angry to think that I'd only lose 98 lbs. How in the WORLD!? But after talking to some wls friends that have been there/done that, they told me what I already know but needed to hear: I will lose the rest of the weight if I want to and I work at it. In other words, I may get to 227 if I don't try at all, but if I give it my all, I should be able to get down to MY goal, which is still 150. According to my fitday software, I'm steady at a rate of loss that will allow me to get there in a year.

Another new development is that I finally decided to get my butt in gear and started walking....at least on the mornings I get off work. I intend on continuing this, although I haven't walked at all this weekend. I right now am walking around a mile, but I intend on upping that so I am walking 30 minutes or more in the morning. My first course was 0.65 miles and it was only 11 minutes. So I suspect 2 miles even will do it for me. But I have to get the ol' legs used to it first. Then, when it's warm enough and I get enough sleep so I can get up in the afternoon, I will be swimming probably on a daily basis. I can't wait until the weather gets in the 100's....it's so nice then! LOL!

On the clothing front, I was able to see some more progress there as well. I had a pair of jeans I had when I got pregnant with Mason and they just fit then. Now they are getting too big on me. That is I think what has really done it for me. I'm finally able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I also boxed up a huge box of clothes for a friend and shipped them off this week. It made me feel really good that some of the clothes that I actually liked even though I was my heaviest will still have a life after me, and make someone else happy. It really made me realize what a clothes horse I have been. I think it's going to get worse. ::gulp:: Sorry honey!!! heheheh. I'm refraining from buying right now, but I know it's only a matter of time where I *have* to buy. I think I'm going to do eBay as much as possible and then maybe clearance racks until I get to goal. I did find an adorable jumper in a size 18 on eBay for only $6.00 that I can't wait to get into. I suspect I'll be in it by Sept....which is perfect since it's a fall sort of look. I just couldn't resist for that price! ::grin::

On the work front, I am being pummeled with overtime but I'm trying to not dwell on the negative. There is so very much negative lately too. There was a mistake the union made when bargaining our contract last time that ended up screwing some of us over who have seniority. It's long and hard to explain but it boils down to those who have less seniority being able to have a higher step than some of us with more seniority, and now with the new contract we have frozen wages for 2 years. So they will be a step higher than us for that long. Between that, overtime, being ordered YET AGAIN to work the weekend adjacent to a vacation day off (they promised they'd work with us over and over on it...), I have a pretty lousy view of things again. But I'm trying to not let myself focus on that. I know it won't do any good to dwell on it. I'm just going to go in, put in my time and focus on my time at home.

Somewhat work related but not entirely, I'm going to take a couple college courses this year. I need 15 credits to get my intermediate certification at work, and 30 to get advanced. If I take Spanish and get fairly fluent, I can get a 5% increase as well. So I am going to go for it all. I want to take that and web design classes, so I will have to registered asap when the fall term is open to register. I need to remind myself to contact the college and speak to a counselor. Ugh - horrible memory. I SO need a PDA.

Okay - that's enough. I've blabbered on too long. Time to wrap it up and move on. Catch y'all later!

It's been awhile since I updated! I am getting pretty lazy about this with all my irons in the fire right now. I just feel a little overextended, but then I did work way too much overtime this month. I was on a restriction for voluntary overtime only (we have mandatory), but I ended up signing up for a lot both out of a feeling of obligation, plus not wanting to be the first person who gets called for June. Oh well. No big whoop. I'm finally on my weekend!!!

I have lost down to 279 now and am only 4 lbs away from where I was when I got pregnant with Mason. I wrote on a message board that at times it feels like I'm just holding my breath when it comes to losing weight. I mean, I know it's coming off, but it's slow and I feel like I can't exhale until I hit a landmark number - like 50. I don't know why, but it doesn't feel very victorious for me right now. I mean, I am happy and not brooding, but at the same time, I still have that sense of "this isn't going to last." It's hard to get the emotions to line up with the logic. Even though I can wear old clothing I couldn't wear before and even though I can see a difference in the photos (which I still need to have another one taken!), it is weird. I know when I would lose on Atkins, I'd be thrilled over this kind of loss. I never did lose this much on Atkins before. But for some reason - probably because of false high expectations - I feel like all those who whine about it not working for them. I know it's wrong, but it's there, nonetheless.

I did find out I have a yeast problem. I've read up on it online and it struck me that I kind of knew all along, but it was slightly elusive. I had a sense of my problems but the lightbulb just didn't go on until I started reading about it then took the tests. I know many doctors don't believe it is a problem, but just from my perspective with the skin problems I have and the other similar things that seem to be related, I know for me there is a problem. Maybe not everyone who takes those tests is really a person with a major problem, but now that I know what is what, I know I am. I have battled a rash on my back for about 10 years now, I have battled red weepy skin behind my ears for about 6 years now, I have battled problems with red sore patches under my arms and in other nether regions that resist treatment, and I get constant ear infections. The one thing that struck me most was that I was too blind to see it for years. And I was too bullheaded to listen to those who suggested it might be my problem. The thing is - I didn't want to entertain the thought because it would mean I'd have had to follow a special diet and I just couldn't manage the thought of being more strict than Atkins. The thing that really gets me is that no doctor looked at all the different problems and put them together. I knew there was a common bond and likely it was candida taking over. I've spent my whole life being on antibiotics for one thing or another - it shouldn't surprise me. :oP

On an up note, I have been having fun creating graphics and working on profiles for OH and another group I'm on. I really love doing it but I find that I am way too much of a perfectionist and I take up too much time to do these things. I have a hard time getting 2 profiles done in a week, and others probably zoom through one a day. Oh well, I guess every little bit helps. Reminds me, I have to update my list of profiles done - it's a bit behind the times! LOL!

So, that's enough from me right now. I have some more graphics to play with. For those who are catching up on my profile and I haven't posted in any of my forums lately, I really want to apologize. I have been so wiped out that when I read the posts I just sit and think how I'd like to respond, but I know it's going to drain my energy. I will be back, I promise. I just need to get a little sleep and learn to focus on my tasks at hand.