jennaflirt

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OMG!! So much has happened over the last few days, where do I begin?
On Monday broke up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years.  It was bad and tramatic.  We both decided we just couldn't do it any longer.  But it took a fight for us to break up.  He moved out and took all his things. I threw away everything he left og his and cleaned until all signs of him were gone.  I moved furniture, traded beds with the spare room and invited my dogs back into my bed.  They had been banished to the downstairs for 4 years.  This 3 days before my sons bday.  He also took both cars and has left me walking.  Thank God when we moved last I moved .5 mile from work just in case.  But it getting cold damn it!! 
A couple weeks ago I met a man that continued to come into work and ask when I was calling him.  So broke down and called and we have kicked it off like I cant believe.  He is everything Jon wasnt.  I have already been out with him 2x and Jon took me out 3 times in 4 years.  Normal for others this is new and amazing for me.  We have already made plans to take my son and his daughter to the strip this weekend.  Jon never took my son anywhere, we had never done anything together.
My dilema with Jon was that he hated I had surgery and hated my new super skinny body.  I was too boney and it wasn't sexy.  But he loved me so it was what it was.  Now I am thinking about this new guy seeing my nasty shrunkin, bag of of skin and it scares the crap outta me.  I even bought a lil sexy number to hide the stomach and perk up the boobies.  I told him about my surgery only becasue he keeps inviting me for drinks and dinner.  So I had to explain why at lunch I had only a water and 1 chicken wing.  lol  He thinks its really cool what I have done and tells me how sexy I am and how he cant wait to show me off.  We have only known each other a short time but nakedness is for sure on its way.  As long as I stay on my back and keep the girls out of my armpits ill be ok.  I think?????????  OMG.

The Jon calls today, I changed my cell number and the locks.  he called work and asked if I wanted a car until we figured it out.  He thinks we are on a break.  But when he asks to come home I tell him no.  I need a car but I cant break down and use the car.  It is in my name but I think it will give him and the new guy a wrong message.  I was going to take my son for sushi today on his bday but now it is whatever is at home to eat.  Poor baby I owe him big time.

So now I have constant nose bleeds I have no idea why but I think it is my blood pressure but cant get to the dr.  I have dropped another 3 lbs.  I hate eating.  I like nothing and cant eat enough.  now I have to walk to work and try to make up the difference calories I am burning.  Its near impossible.   

So my 1 yr came and went and I did nothing to celebrate it.  In fact it past and I didn't even think about it.  I have not had a penny toent  spend on myself.  So no haircut no cute outfit no pictures.  I guess it will come when things get better.  On a better note. I have replaced my laptop that crashed with a netbook.  Cute small will travel well.  Lightweight, I like that.  So I guess that was my splurge.  On the weightloss side????  I am still fluctuating around 129.  Which is good.  I do not need to lose another pound.  But something in my head keeps saying, "you can wear a 4 dress, can u get into a 4 pant?"  Is that really necesary?  That will be too small for me I think.  But of course weight has become an obsession.  I wanted meat so badly today but I don't usually eat it.  It makes me feel bad and gives me terrible gas.  So I broke down and decided it was time to add something new to the diet.  Brisket.  Yeah brisket maybe 4 bites and a bite of mac n cheese (i dont do pasta) and some corn.  Mind u this is y i dont do meat and pasta.  In 10 minutes I was on the toilet.  Dont act like you havent had that same problem.  I also had a piece of roll (i dont do bread).  It was nasty.  I use to die for any bread.  I havent had any in a yr and i realized today that it is gross.  Just mushy dough.  Yuck.  No more bread ever. So I decided well meat was a bad idea lets try a lil salad for dinner.  Hell no.  Again something I dont usually eat and this is why.  Right to the bathroom.  No more variety for me.  Ill stick to my enchiladas.  At least I know I am safe there.  I have planned a trip to San Diego for Nov.  I am really excited.  All of my family is there and they have not seen me since surgery.  They are all buggin on what I might look like.  I am also newly in touch with a few old friends so this should really be fun.

11 months post op and so much happening.
I got down to 131 but I fluctuate a good 4 lbs back and forth.  I am ok with that.  I dont want to lose anymore.  I am for sure trying to maintain.  I do still watch the scale everyday.  I know sugar makes me gain.  And yes I have sugar filled weeks, not days, weeks.  Sometimes I just need it.  I don't dump and I am careful on the amount of sugar.  It makes me burp and makes me sleepy.  I am addicted to cheez its still and must eat cheese enchiladas at least 3x a week.  Otherwise my diet is mushrooms and zucchini.  I still can't do meat.  Actually, I handled meat better early out than I do now.  I still eat alot of eggs but can only do one at a time.  Still no bread, pasta or rice....ever!!!!  Still haven't had soda.  I don't follow the rules I should.  Sometimes I feel I need to eat anything rather than be concerned about what I am eating.  I can go days on cheez its.  But finances have played a big part in how I eat as well.  My new favorite is popcorn shrimp.  No problem there.  Today I am craving avocados.

I am wearing a size 5 jrs jean, 4/6 misses pants and dresses.  size 6 panties..lol Like you needed to know that. The bra is the sad part.  I would say I am a 34B if I am lucky.  My skin has held up well on my face and arms but the boobs, belly and thighs are a sad sight.  But so worth it.  I have been moving and dealing with life trying to feel normal.  Which explains my absence from OH.  I had to step away and see if I could feel normal.  No I can't.  I love my collar bones and my ribs.  But sometimes I feel gaunt.  I love potato salad but it gives me that terrible gas u cant pass for days.  I do eat some form of sugar everyday.  a cookie, skittles, granola bar...something.  If I didn't I am afraid I would go crazy. 

But the hair...OMG.  I have yet to recover from the hair loss.  My hair is still so think it is horrible.  My everyday look is a thin ponytail.  I hate it.  I bruise easily and am covered in them.  I have no insurance right now so I can't follow up but I will asap.

Today for breakfast: tabasco cheez its    lunch: 1/3 cheese enchilada  snack: chewy granola bar   dinner: avocados and hopefully some shrimp.  I only drink milk water and sobe o life water, i love acai fruit punch.

So my RNY did everything I wanted it to do.  I taught me how to control myself and make better choices.  I do eat more veggies than I have in my life.  But my meat intake is very limited.  I am fit and slim and look good.  My mom saw me for the first time in August and said I was too thin she was in shock.  I like that response.

i lost my mind today and went shopping with money I dont have.  I bought 2 tops from the juniors section.  2 bras in 36b and c.  I bought a size 9 juniors skinny jean and a size 8 misses slack.  the slacks have to go back as I should have purchased an 8.  I was tired of only having my size 10 shorts to wear.  I need panties though.  I am still wearing my 9s and well they are not helping anything.  Felt good to wear nice clothing feel bad because I really should not have spent the money.  i also go a pair of heels that are amazing.  My have to go back though.  i was really bad.  just need to look normal.  All this fight to get the weight off I dont want to look like I still weigh 200 when I dont have to.

I can't believe I am so close to goal.  I suddenly started losing again.  I am glad.  Though I am not sure if I want to keep losing.  I feel like I am obsessed, "lets see how much I can lose".  I am in an 8 and that is where i wanted to be.  Now I am thinking can I get in a 6.  I think I am crazy.  I tried on my prom dress and it fit. Too funny.  I also tried on a pair of vintage 501xx 32x34 jeans that I had, not for myself but for retail, and they fit.  I never thought in a million years I would be the size I was in high school.  Its so crazy.  Personal life has flipped me upside down.  I am still looking for another job.  My job is making me crazy.  I cant pay my bills and just cant keep going on like this.  Thank god for the surgery.  Now I can feed my sona nd not worry about my intake.  I know I need to stay healthy but i can eat much less and gt by. 

Wow I didnt realize it had been so long.  I guess once I got past the miscarriage I just needed a minute to get back on track.  So I am at a major stall.  Still hold and fluctuating about 3lbs.  I am happy where I am appearance wise but I would love to get down a few more pounds.  All is well on the homefront.  Money is awful right now.  I am making nothing and it is really taking its toll.  I actually live off of crackers.  That may explain the stall.  Any suggestions on how to start losing again on literallay a dime are all appreciated.  Bad timing since I started my period today and feel like snacking.  I usually dont care what I eat at this time  but I need to get it together.  I am looking for a new job and trying to get by.

Finally all the baby stuff is over.  Thank God.  It was hell.  7 days straight.  4 days of terrible cramping.  Now I am back to normal.  I can't even remember the last time I needed to worry about getting pregnant.  Maybe 18.  So now my bf is afraid to have sex..lol  It has been almost 2 weeks and I cant take it.  So I begged for him to buy condoms until I can get on bc.  I had an appt. for tomorrow but I dont have my copay so I have to cancel.  I didnt have money for rent so I had to pawn my wedding rings from my 1st marriage.  Not that I care.  I also had to sell some stuff and my bf had to borrow.  Things suck so bad.  I did however apply for a job that I feel was made for me.  I am so anxious hoping that they will call.  I cant live with this job any longer.  My weight loss is holding at 150.  My bf, who loves plus size women told me I needed to gain 50lbs..lol  Uh no.  I understand where he is coming from.  I miss my curves.  Since I was 14 I had a great ass now I have no ass and ol dlady boobs.  Tha's sexy.  My bf is only 26 and I know looks are still of higher inportance to him than say a man in his 40's.  But I cant help it.  Last night he said he will do anything to make me happy.  That felt better.  Just to know that he is hre for the long haul and my body is not making him want to run is a good thing.  I cant help what I look like now.  I have to admit, even though I thought I wanted to be 140 and my dr wants me at 150, thats really skinny to me.  I feel really thin.  Almost in a an 8 from a 20.  It is weird.  Almost 7 months out and I still look around and feel  weird about fitting in.  No one has any idea of my previous weight and I just look like everyone else.  I am very aware of that.

What a miserable weekend it has been. 
Not only am I having to play warden to my son who is on severe restriction but my body finally decided to miscarry.  I have been doubled over in pain, this will be day 4.  I have worked for the first 3 days.  OMG it is awful.  I thought Sunday morning was the worst of it.(TMI) I passed a huge clot the size of my hand and thought ok good that was what I needed to do.  But now I am just bleeding lik emy period.  My dr office has not called about scheduling the D&C I was to have this week.  So when they call I can tell them what is happening and hopefully will not have to do the D&C.  This is my 3rd miscarriage and not one D&C.  Thank God.
So my son.  This is day 5 of his restriction and whoever told me not to restrict him longer than I can handle I feel you,  I am going crazy with him.  He is restricted from everything for breaking the window.  Which I cant fix for another  weeks.  So he is selling his PSP to pay for it.  He is also in major trouble for fighting with my bf during his restriction.  He told my bf he was and asshole.  OMG my son does not talk like that.  he was testing to see what Jon would do.  They fought all day while I was at work.  So Trae is also in trouble for not knowing when to just do what you are told and not argue.  If I can get him to understand that you do what you are told the first time and do not question adults just do it, we would be golden.  SO he has to stay in his room all day and can only play with his pets.  He sleeps upstairs in my livingroom at night because it was his bedroom window he broke.  But he cant watch tv.  So that kicks me out of the living room at night and Jon goes to sleep early to be at work at 4am.  So I think I am being punished.  Plus I am in terrible pain. 
And we have no money,  None.  So I have to use the PSP money to buy food then replace the window in 2 weeks when I have money.  That would be the same week I have to fix his broken tooth.  OMG my life makes me life.  If I wasnt in pain I could deal better.

Hey at least I am still losing.  I am for sure not trying.  During this miscarriage I am jsut eating whatever is availble.  Since food is limited in this house right now I just eat whatever I can find.  Lost 2 lbs this week so I am ok.  Once I feel better I will be back on track.  Almost to goal.  I cant give up now.  I am also almost in an 8.  That is my new goal.

I went to the dr today and they were surprised that I had not misscarried yet.  SO they did another unltrasound.  Still no heartbeat and no growth but everything was the same.  She said I had too much fluid and that if I did the meds it may not work.  So they are scheduling me for a D&C next week. She is starting me on antibiotics and since I know I will get a yeast infection, meds there also.  So i am leaving the dr office and I get a call from my sons school.  He hit his face and chipped his front tooth.  Damn it.  I did the same thing at 10.  So I haad to leave work and go get him.  Not as bad as i thought but bad enough he will need it fixed. 

So last night I figured it was my crapping bday and I wanted a frickin chocolate donut.  So I did a little research and went to dunkin donuts fo a choclate cake donut.  19 g of sugar.  This is the first sugar I have eaten on purpose.  Meaning that I have not put anything with sugar in my mouth.  No cookies, cake nothing.  So I got my donut, cut it into 4.  last night I ate 2 1/4's.  So 8g of sugar.  no illness or dumping but ooo was i tired.  Now the other half is staring at me and asking me to eat it.  You know I will.  Then that will be it.  It was a special occasion.

Today I wore my new size "10"  yeah that's right size "10" shorts to work.  OMG I was so excited.  I can't believe i could wear a 10.  Just amazing.  It was a good day.

my co-worker went to chillis for lunch and brought me back southwestern eggrolls and some boneless buffalo wings.  I at 3 wings over 2.5 hours.  I cant even try the eggrolls yet.  Maybe tomorrow.  I also discovered Lifewater in sf.  Fiji Apple Pear yummy.

Oh yeah and down another pound. 

Changed dr appt again from today to tomorrow morning.  Will update tomorrow night.