6 month Surgiversary

Jan 19, 2011

Wow, has it really been 6 months?
On July 19, 2010 I walked into the OR, and laid on their table. It was freezing in there. I didn't get scared or nervous until they started to strap me down. They took their sweet time before they remembered to put the Valium in my IV, since they took so long and my anxiety was so high, it knocked me out in moments. I remember thinking, "What am I doing?" and "Is this what I really want?" I was terrified that it was just going to be another failed weight loss attempt, and I'd screw up my insides as well as look like crap on the outside.
When I woke up, I wasn't nauseous! They had been warned and apparently took care of that. The last time I was put under for surgery I felt like I'd been dropped back onto this plane, I was nauseous, scared, panicked, and in tears. I was short tempered with the nurses when they brought me back to my room, and I couldn't stop crying even when my friend and my brother came to talk to me. THIS TIME, I woke up like I'd been hibernating, it was hard to come back to reality, I was apparently very, very drugged since I could barely hold myself upright without wanting to flop back. I was quiet and introspective, I didn't cry, and I only got a little gurgly over my ice chips. I wanted my husband with me once I realized it was 6:30 pm (surgery was at noon) and I was sure he was worried. Dr McKenna took out my gall bladder while he was in there since it looked like it would need to come out soon anyway, this added to the time and gave me a few more scars to remember him by.
Before I go on, I would like to explore the difference in waking up from surgery. I heard somewhere that a percentage of the population wakes up from surgery the way I did the first time (I don't remember the number, though I think it was high). I have 2 theories on this. #1 your subconscious remembers the trauma and pain of surgery even if you don't realize it and is crying as an outlet. But it doesn't happen to everyone, and it didn't happen to me the second time. My next theory is my favorite #2 when you are put under your mind is completely open, repressed memories come to the surface and play. They might be locked up safe again by the time you come out, but the damage is done, they got out and they brought back the pain of whatever you were trying to forget. I like this theory a lot, because when I had surgery #1, I hadn't dealt with my trauma, and it was bad. I had been sexually assaulted by 4 different men between the time I was 4 until the day before my 17th birthday. I never dealt with it. I thought I did, but I didn't. I know this because that's the trauma that landed me in the hospital 5 years ago. Apparently childhood trauma can manifest itself as a physical pain in the lower abdomen. Since I didn't know this at the time, and no test gave them any reason for the searing pain (that coincided with me TRYING to deal with the past) they did exploratory surgery, found my appendix to be slightly inflamed and took that and said that's that. It wasn't until I ended up in there AGAIN a few months later that the gastroenterologist asked me if I'd ever been raped. I almost denied it without thinking, my mother was sitting right there and she had never believed me (another level of psychosis I've since dealt with). It took another year (of pointless therapy, and less pointless talking it out with a friend, and a LOT of introspection) before I felt that I was in control of myself again. I had some other issues, poor life choices, but I had also resolved them. Once all that was dealt with and behind me, I decided to start dating, I was finally ready for a real relationship, with someone I could see forever with. In May 2008, I met my husband, who is very grateful that I'd put myself together and didn't come to him still broken.
I finally confronted my mother about my anger at her and her lack of belief in me when I needed her most (she was visiting with her best friend at my home and her friend and I got drunk together) later in a drunken rage, I told her every little thing about then that I didn't even know I was holding on to. My husband listened to the whole thing and that big chunk of the Jenna-puzzle finally clicked for him. He's promised to never ask me to confide in my mother ever again. The best part? The anger is gone. This was in March or April 2010.
So I was in the right mental place before surgery in July, I'd resolved the worst things in my life and I believe that as a result, I didn't have a traumatic unlocked repressed memory marathon tormenting me while I was out. YAY.

I probably should have weighed myself this morning since it's my half-a-surgiversary, but I didn't. I will post pictures tonight after my husband takes them. On this journey I've lost 80 pounds, countless inches, gone from size 20 to a size 8, and I'm not even done yet. I'm happier than I've been in a long time (these last two years haven't been unhappy per se, but I'm happier with myself). My diabetes is in remission, I'm reconnecting with old friends, and seeing them more often. I'm more active with my son, I exercise 2 times a day and seeing results. I take all of my vitamins and drink lots of water. I'm where I want to be (another 25 pounds lost wouldn't hurt, but for here, well, here is a great place to be), my life is pretty fabulous, and I'm in a place mentally where I can accept and embrace that, whereas I could not before.
I would like to thank my surgeon, for giving me my tool/weapon, my husband for his amazing support, my son for inspiring me to make my next pregnancy healthier and for helping put me into a qualifying weight (I know I did it to myself and he's not to blame), my wonderful friends in real life and on-line whom I've learned to make more time for because friends are so amazingly important and make life more entertaining. If you don't stay connected to people, then things stop mattering. And I want to thank ME, for deciding to do this for myself, for sticking with the changes, for taking charge, and becoming me again, I missed me.

I bet you didn't really read all of this, but its my surgiversary, I can be as long winded as I want :P If you DID read it all, then you are truly amazing. I love you all! Thanks for your continued support, it means the world.

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