kristi M.

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Is it possible that my band is in the wrong place? I've been contemplating this for a while. I don't think I really ever feel full - I just can eat or not eat. Things either pass quickly or they get stuck at the first bite. I say this after having to reject Healthy Choice minestrone soup and a tuna salad kit. Times like these make me want to rip this stupid band out.

I'm really down right now. I feel good after exercising but that's about it. Otherwise, I'm lazy and bored and sad. Hell, I'd go so far as to say that I'm depressed right now. I stayed home from work on Friday to sleep. (I wasn't feeling well overnight so I thought sleeping would help.) It didn't. And I just wanted to eat. So I had a KFC bowl. I guess that's not the worst thing in the world but it's a crappy choice.

Today, my weight was the same as last week. That includes two days on liquids. And about 2 cups of chocolate chips. It's like I've forgotten that I'm supposed to be on a diet. And I'm spacey. What the hell. I hope it gets better.

On a bright note, I ran 7 miles yesterday...with hills. I feel like crap today.

It's hard to believe that it's almost been six months since surgery. By all accounts, this has been a "success" but I'm still mixed. When I step back and look at it, I'm happy with the changes. When I consider life on a day-to-day basis, it's not so clear.

So, the good news:
- 107 lbs down from my highest; I'm like 2 lbs from being "overweight"; considering that my BMI was well over 40 when this started, that's pretty goo
- My physical condition has drastically improved; I'm doing BodyPump three mornings a week (5:30 a.m., ugh) and increasing my lifting weight steadily; I'm running again and officially training for the Austin Half Marathon on Valentine's Day
- I'm wearing size 16 pretty consistently; down from 24/26 at the beginning; I have saved one pair of shorts to horrify me later
- I don't obsess about my size. I don't worry about the size of chairs. I don't worry if I need to run across the street or climb stairs. I feel pretty normal in a lot of ways.

The other side:
- I throw up almost everyday. I wish I could make a list of "untouchable" food but I it's not consistent. Sometimes I can have corn chips, almonds, chocolate. Sometimes I throw it up like a monster.
- I've just gotten used to having a "spit cup" around for the slime. I'm not even as shy about doing it in front of the family. I'd hate to live with me; it's gross.
- My desire for food hasn't really gone away. When I get stressed, when I want to celebrate, when I just want to feel good - I want to eat. But I can't. And when I'm dying to eat, the first bites are too fast and I'm throwing it all back up.
- My digestive system makes noises; huge noise. And I have gas - a lot. I can't do anything with it, just feel uncomfortable.

In short, I feel like I'm in prison. But the prison gets pretty clothes. James mentioned (in an offhand way) that we're not longer the people on Wall-E. It took me a minute but he's right. I guess the good outweighs the bad. Honestly, if I hadn't been able to lose like this, I think I would be hating myself for doing it. As it stands, $12000 was a pretty small investment for the extra years of life that I'll get out of this.

At some point, I need to get my rings resized and it's time to start buying smaller clothes. I need to invest in some good running shoes. I just need to keep reminding myself - no regrets.

So I never told my family (outside of my husband and offspring) that I had surgery. My family is a safe 18 hours away so it wasn't really an issue. I probably should have told my mom because we're pretty close but I didn't want her to worry, fly out to Texas to be here, etc. etc. Then there's that whole "wow" moment when I bust through the door and no one recognizes me in my new fabulous form (when I find that new fabulous form!)

She told me that she and my dad will be driving to Texas next week to be here for my birthday. (It will be the second time she's been with me on my birthday in like 25 years; she had the exact stats.) I was pretty jazzed until I had the realization that she would soon discover "the truth". First I asked my husband if she'd noticed I'd love weight (oh yeah). Then I was like, I can "fake it" and go with the "eating healthy/working out" schtick. (That's actually true.) But it would difficult to explain why foods with high glycemic indices will not stay down. A single bite of pasta, white bread, cake (birthday cake?) won't happen. I suggested that kids make me a meat cake for my birthday (they asked if I wanted sausage frosting - yum!)

Hopefully she'll be so happy for me that she won't make me feel bad for leaving her out of this. Maybe I can distract with fun Austin meat-related things? Maybe I could race her to the top of Enchanted Rock (with me 85 lbs down and her like 67, I might actually have a chance this time).

My immediate family is pretty amused by my predicament - but this is definitely not the worst problem to have!!

Wow! I've survived 1/4 of a year with this weird apparatus in my abdomen! I'm down to around 230.5 (give or take, ha!) My weight loss has definitely slowed. I had a stall around 240 lbs. I'm not sure why. I stopped weighing daily (or multiple times a day) and I went back to my 3-4 lbs/week. I need to relax about all of this. I had a miserable time keeping food down yesterday. It was sausage, hot dogs, cake. All fabulous food choice, I know. I finally had a can of chili for dinner and was pretty happy.

My head is still messed up about food. I want to eat. I want to eat bad foods. Oddly, I'm terrified of pasta so that hasn't been a problem for me. I really want meat. But I choke on meat. And then I'm hungry two hours later. I shouldn't bitch about this. I'm losing weight like a champ. I can easily job (4 mph) for 3 miles without feeling like I will die. This morning I was tempted to go up on speed a little. I'm changing. My body is shaping up, the skin isn't too bad. I'm almost down 90 lbs. Think about it - that's huge! I can remember that day in June when I was sitting with James at Arboretum, crying because insurance wouldn't cover it and he said I should do it anyway - all $12,000 of it. 

I've come to grips with some reality like "no bread - ever" and "no pasta - ever" and why bother going to eat Italian (ever). I have a flat ass; that hasn't changed. I have weird arms. That's new. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that is going too fast and I'm waiting for my stomach to catch up with it.

So my son turned 5 today. The last time I was un-obese was right before I got pregnant with him. My birthday is in two weeks. I'll be 42. The first 5K I ever ran was on my birthday, 6 years ago. I remember running it and thinking that I could have run a 10K. I think I might be back there.

I can't believe it's already been 10 weeks since surgery. It feels like it was so long ago. Life just seems so different now.

1. I'm down almost 80 lbs from my highest (which would have been May, I think). I think it's almost 60 lbs since surgery. I'm still weighing every morning that I'm home so I can track how it's going. I weigh less than my 16 year old son (who is a 250 lb nose guard on his high school team). I'm around 240 and hope to be under 200 for New Year's Day.

2. I've done two 5K's and make it to the gym almost every morning. I'm used to getting up at 4:30 and heading over for treadmill or elliptical. I've been watching entire seasons of Survivor (maybe 8 altogether) to pass the time. The 42 minutes per episode is perfect; sometimes two episodes on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Now I'm switching over to Amazing Race seasons that I haven't watched before. I haven't really gotten back into working with a trainer (Mike). Schedule has been insane but my plan is to get back to 3x per week on September 1.

3. I'm wearing size 18 for the most part, down from size 24. Clothes are slightly problematic at the moment. James pointed out yesterday, "Is it worse to wear clothes that are too tight or too loose?" I still have size 16's in the closet so I'm reluctant to buy clothes right now. I've had to retire most of my underwear because it's baggy; weird baggy and uncomfortable. Luckily I have some old smaller ones (size 7?) that feel good.

4. Eating is still foreign to me. I get very hungry and want to eat but I really can't. If I'm starving, I eat too fast and have to choke it back up. If I eat slowly, everything is cool. I've learned that my "soft stop" is a lump in my back. If I eat beyond that, I have to choke up everything I've eaten. It's not really bad since there's no stomach acid but there is copious saliva. Honestly, I've had to research bullemia because aspects of this scare me. If I eat too much and choke it back up, I'm not hungry anymore. I haven't done it intentionally yet (hopefully I'll never do it). I haven't attempted bread, pasta, or other carbs. I've had rice twice and I just choke it up. I do allow myself potatoes as my one starch because it's too hard to just avoid everything.

5. I had one fill at 4 weeks. I've had this "lump" feeling since surgery so I'm not sure if it's due to the band fill. I'm scheduled for another fill next week (I've postponed it once). I'm not sure if I need it. I'm losing weight well. I get hungry but I can tolerate it. I don't have carb cravings. I'd hate to get a fill then have to get an unfill.

6. Head hunger is still there. Sometimes I get so frustrated with not being able to eat. My mind wants to eat, wants that old feeling of fullness, but my body can't tolerate it. .This frightening to me. I shudder to think that I can't do this without the band. I'm really not strong enough to fight the cravings on my own. I've really wondered about the brain chemistry that makes food/fullness so desirable. I've tried to relate it to alcoholism (which has never been an issue for me but is, inexplicably, for others). If I think of it as a sickness, I can understand why my head wants what my body can't have.

Overall, this has been life changing. I'm so happy to be running again. I'm slow but methodical and my knee isn't hurting like it used to. I have stomach soreness over near the port that I don't understand. I'm scared of being hit in the stomach. I hate to feel my port. I'm nervous to do ab work. Overall, I feel like this is seguing to a lifestyle that I can handle long-term. I love that I can ride in a plane without a seat extension; that my bra straps don't dig into me; that I don't feel like a freak of nature walking around. I like that I can feel my collarbones and that my cheek bones are prominant again. I love feeling pretty again.

I met wtih Dr. Ganta yesterday. He said that I'm healing well and everything is on track. I'm down 25 lbs since my last pre-op visit. It's weird how easy it is to look back and say, "oh, that wasn't so bad" when it's pretty miserable in the process. This week was tough. I was in San Antonio for the conference. On Monday night, I wandered for an hour looking for a bowl of soup (finally found at Chili's, of all places). I didn't eat lunch at the conference because I didn't think I was ready to be at a table of people eating, even if I was missing a great networking opportunity. I honestly hate being hungry. I get so ill-tempered. Now that I'm officially on soft foods, it's better. 

I made the baked ricotta. I used fat free cream cheese instead of low fat (big mistake, it's just mush). It's pretty good when I re-bake it with spaghetti sauce. Last night, I ground some cooked chicken and made different incarnations of chicken salad. Again, pretty good.

The head hungry is so strange. I think some of it is fading. I'm really glad I gave up diet coke before this whole thing started. That really showed me that I could give up something that I really liked. There were times that I wanted one but I could talk myself out of it. I guess I'm doing the same with food now. There are weird times when it's very hard. Last night, James had a big bowl of pasta for carbing before his long ride this morning. I wanted to ask him to eat somewhere else but decided to weather through it. Ugh. Miserable. That was my last binge before the pre-op diet (just pasta and sauce). I haven't had refined flour in over a month now. I'm pretty much off of sugar, unless I don't know it's in there. I didn't realize that the HEB vitamin water had caffeine; otherwise I've been caffeine free.

There's a lot of stress in the other areas of my life and I miss having food to turn to. I honestly think that, had I not been banded, I'd be in a weight gain mode now. I'm very happy that I did it because the thought of being 300+ lbs scares me. I'm down to 274.5 at the doctor's office and 272 at home this morning. Next goal is 269.5. Next goal after that is 267 (50 lbs).

I found out that he put 2 cc in my band at surgery. Somehow that made me feel a little better, that I had some help on the way out. And my steri-strips are now gone so I can swim again! So, life is getting better I think...just slowly.

Wow. I'm hungry. It's been 8 days since surgery. I still have this really weird lump at the port incision. It feels like I'm pregnant and the spawn is wedged until my ribs. Kalli and I went to see Mamma Mia last night and it was oddly uncomfortable to be sitting. Luckily there was the sing-a-long at the end so I could be up!. But after a week of just feeling pretty crappy, I'm just oddly hungry. I'm supposed to be on clear fluids and I'm trying so hard! I had whey this morning and at noon. I've had a couple of large glasses of water and I'm driking a Vitamin Water (10) at the moment.

I don't really have an urge to eat, just hunger pangs. I don't see Dr. Ganta until next Thursday (since i'll be in San Antonio at a conference for most of the week). Holy crap, I hope I make it! I just want to be able to move to cream soups. I did have about six bites of broccoli soup from Chili's yesterday. I'm not sure why I thought it was a good idea to have a business lunch. I think it was okay, I didn't feel too bad afterwards.

Something this whole deal seems so daunting. I think that I must be pretty lame that I have to physically barricade myself from overeating. It's like putting a lock on the refrigerator or something. But I'm at 39 lbs down and that feels really good. I'm trying to dig out clothes from the recesses of the closet and drawers to cheer me up. I guess it's too late to turn back now.

This will probably be disjointed - I'm still coming down off of the drugs!

Yesterday went well. I was pretty nervous. Everyone was very warm and accomodating at the hospital. James took his laptop and had a pretty relaxing day. Things at home were hectic - long story.

Dr. Ganta was about 30 minutes late, not sure why. I have two incision, not sure why. James said Dr. Ganta didn't mention anything was unusual - guess I'll find out at my 10 day appointment. I was in and out most of yesterday afternoon. My abdomen is sore. I've been taking pain meds just to be cautious and I slept pretty well. I'm so thirsty. When they gave me water post-op, I drank the whole cup over a 10 minute period. I drank non-stop when I was awake yesterday. I've had about 4 oz so far today. I'm trying to sip it. I guess I'm doing okay since everything seems to be working okay.

There was some weirdness with the fluoro yesterday - I guess the liquid wasn't passing. My stomach was completely empty and they said something about that. I was so out of it that I barely remember trying to stand.

It seems weird that I have done this.

It's been an interesting couple of days. Self-pay is oddly more difficult than I thought it would be since I'm having to take care of each piece of it. I guess it would have been easier to get a loan for the whole mess and just sucked up the adminstrative fees.

I just paid for my anesthesia so I think I'm running out of things to spend money on...for now.

I kind of lost it yesterday. After church (and soup at Jason's Deli), I went to the gym. I stupidly listened to James, Tyler, and Kalli and their comments on "is it really jogging if you're only going 3 miles per hour?" So I tried to step it up a little and took too long of strides and felt the tear in my knee. I know I probably should just stick to elliptical but it's so exciting to be able to sustain a jog-like-motion for more than 5 minutes. I'm probably not going to RunTex tonight (swim lessons for Trey) but I'll be back in a couple of weeks. When I got home, I just felt down. I started wondering if I should really do this. I further wondered if I could really run my own business. In short, it was an avalanche of self-doubt that didn't slow down until I was taking a hot bath and whining to James.

After a nap, I thought I knew what I wanted to do but I kept vascillating.

I slept like crap again. James had to work to try to keep his Tuesday work deadline. It's weird when he's gone and I thought it would help to have Trey in bed with me. That was ridiculous because having a 4 year old in bed isn't conducive to good sleep! James got home while I was at the gym this morning.

When I went to the doctor's office today to make sure that everything was done, it just seemed so muddled. I left and called James in tears. Was this the kind of last minute hurdles that are worth it (like buying a house) or not worth it (like the miserable tenure at a certain Korean semiconductor manufacturer). But money has changed hands and it's time to be okay with things.

Last trip to the gym tomorrow to work out with Mike. He's going to take my measurements, weight, etc. I'm definitely feeling better. Maybe that's been the hard part - could I do it by myself? But as I told friends yesterday, it's keeping it off that scares me.

I guess I knew it would happen and I guess I'm going to be okay with it. Surgery is next Wednesday. Yesterday, I gave in to cravings and had fast food - twice. No details, just a ritual that I'm going to miss. When I'm tired, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed, I like the feeling of being food. And nothing is quite as economical as fast food.

But I've handled the pre-op diet pretty well and my weight is dropping. And I did get up at 3:30 yesterday morning to make sure I had time to go to the gym before heading to Dallas. I was fine until the end of the day in Dallas when I was so tired and not looking forward to a three hour trip back. And I started thinking about eating and it just made it seem so compulsory.

I woke up in a panic that I really screwed up; images of an 75 lb liver (or worse!) There is some last minute fear but somehow, yesterday's escapades may have been an appropriate release. No more messing around before surgery. Now it's real.

At the gym with Mike (the trainer) on Tuesday, my arms gave out before my heart rate made me slow down. This is a huge accomplishment. And yesterday morning on elliptical, my heart rate stayed under 150 (about 10 points lower than it would have been for the same effort two weeks ago). I've learned that feeding my ridiculous addiction to bad TV is helping - I'm actually watching an old random season on Survivor on my iPhone. I haven't seen it before so it's still relevant to me!

Now I just need to hold on for one more week! I can do that!