Last Supper

Jun 10, 2009

I guess I knew it would happen and I guess I'm going to be okay with it. Surgery is next Wednesday. Yesterday, I gave in to cravings and had fast food - twice. No details, just a ritual that I'm going to miss. When I'm tired, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed, I like the feeling of being food. And nothing is quite as economical as fast food.

But I've handled the pre-op diet pretty well and my weight is dropping. And I did get up at 3:30 yesterday morning to make sure I had time to go to the gym before heading to Dallas. I was fine until the end of the day in Dallas when I was so tired and not looking forward to a three hour trip back. And I started thinking about eating and it just made it seem so compulsory.

I woke up in a panic that I really screwed up; images of an 75 lb liver (or worse!) There is some last minute fear but somehow, yesterday's escapades may have been an appropriate release. No more messing around before surgery. Now it's real.

At the gym with Mike (the trainer) on Tuesday, my arms gave out before my heart rate made me slow down. This is a huge accomplishment. And yesterday morning on elliptical, my heart rate stayed under 150 (about 10 points lower than it would have been for the same effort two weeks ago). I've learned that feeding my ridiculous addiction to bad TV is helping - I'm actually watching an old random season on Survivor on my iPhone. I haven't seen it before so it's still relevant to me!

Now I just need to hold on for one more week! I can do that!

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