Maggie B.

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TWO WEEKS FROM THIS MONDAY IS MY DAY. 
I DON'T KNOW IF I AM HAPPY, WORRIED, ANXIOUS OR EXCITED. 
I THINK I JUST WANT MY MOM AND TO REMEMBER WHY I AM DOING THIS.  HOW DO I KEEP IT IN MY THOUGHTS AT ALL TIME???

PAIN IS BETTER TODAY. 
AM AT WORK NOW.
LOOKING FOR PEOPLE HAVING SURGERY AROUND THE SAME DATE AS ME SO WE CAN COMMUNICATE ABOUT HOW WE ARE DOING SO IF YOU HAVE A DATE NEAR ME 11/12/07
LET ME KNOW  AND LET'S BE SURGERY BUDDIES!!!

THANKS TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO I HAVE TALKED TO ALREADY.  JUST KNOWING THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE AND IT WILL SOON BE OVER IS VERY REASSURING TO ME. 

Clare and I spent all morning at Temple getting ready for my big day. 
James was on his way to Boston. 
Medical people must think I am a single mother, I am never with my husband for these things b/c he is ALWAYS gone. always. 
But as I said before, if we did not adore each other it would have been over long ago. Long ago. 
So today....

It ran the gamut of emotions. 

First, I have a cold, so I didn't sleep well last night.
Then anxiety, got to get there on time. 
Frustration- traffic
Confused- where to park
Crampy- oh God, don't let it be...
Overwhelmed- geez that surgery clinic is small, so many people, everyone having to have people so close to them, sitting next to total strangers.
Anxious again- Clare wants to eat in the waiting room
Anticipating- Dr Meilahn comes in to greet me, explains the consent form to me and all the risks. "Who's going to be taking care of you after the operation Maggie?" he says in that velvety voice he has. 

"My husband, and my aunt is coming for a week to help with the kids."

"You've lost 5 lbs, let's keep it up, I want you to lose a little more before surgery. You have to do the liquid protein for 2 weeks."

"I'm ready, am trying it now."

Reviews my labs.  My B12 is on the low normal side (note to self to take a supplement)  Everything else looks in order. 
He was really impressed my iron was good. Haven't a clue why.  I am not good at taking vitamins but I do eat. 

Oh Jesus Lord, what am I signing up for after all?

Some guardian angel (my mom perhaps??) guides me through this moment with him, hanging on every word.  There is a spirit around me giving me the courage to do this. I truly do not know where it comes from.  I just know I have to do it.  I know I need to have my life back but now: it's real:
HERNIAS, NAUSEA, VOMITING, STRICTURES, BLEEDING, POSSIBLE TRANSFUSIONS, INFECTION, BLOOD CLOTS, DEATH.... oh Lord. Give me strength.  

So of course I signed it. Yes you have my permission to rearrange my digestive system so that I might live a normal life for another 40 years half the weight I am now please, that would be good. 
I just hope it works. 

Oh, got to meet Nyeesha: HAPPY.  So nice.  I don't know about the rest of you guys but she was so nice to me.  It was nice to put the face with the name after 6 months. 

Get down to Admissions
Again, my friend anxiety: how long am I going to be down here and can I keep Clare entertained for that period of time.

Familiarity: I used to work in Day Surgery. This was a lot nicer than our admissions area.  
Envy: the computers the ladies are using are nicer and newer than ours at work. 
Panic: yes, it's my period starting and no, I have no equipment. 
Resolve: please let this be over already.

Get called back to the Pre Admission Testing area

Relieved: Temple employees are really very very nice. 
Now I'm waiting again.  Trying to keep Clare occupied.  Crayons, paper, equipment in the room. 

BP is fine, temp is fine. Met a nice Nurse Practitioner named Hope. I want to be her in a few years. Working at Pre Admission Testing with all my anesthesia buddies and all my nurse friends at SDS and PACU.  I would love to work up kids for surgery.  That would be a great job. My dream job really. 

So Hope and I chat for a bit.  She does my History and Physical. Pretty non detailed if you ask me. But maybe that's all they need. 

Then blood, EKG, nice lady named Clare totally flips my bra off of my chest to do my EKG. So funny.  My Clare giggles. She wants boobies too. Talks about hers all the time. So cute.

Boy, I am fat.  I see my boobs just laying there all lifeless on my chest. They use to be perky and 38C, but not anymore. Flash ahead to when I can have my breast lift and tummy tuck.  Long way away I am sure.  But nice to think about it.   Boy the kids really did ruin me.  Physically anyway. I adore them. But really it can all be blamed on James if you really want to look for blame. He knocked me up after all.  But, he was so cute. I couldn't help myself really.   Our love has lead to the total ruin of my body.  How's that for fatalistic thinking?  

So I met the anesthesiologist. A Dr Patel. Nice Indian doctor. Understood him for the most part.  Got to tell him I'm an ex RR RN and please tell me all the drugs you will likely give me cuz I have to know.  Fentanyl, Versed, Propofol, ok I like those, have had them before. LOVE YOU ZOFRAN.  Big fan of that one> Had it too.  Ok , am fine. Understand. 
He did say at the beginning of the interview "Dr Meilahn is wonderful at these, he and I have been doing them together for about 10 years. You are in good hands."   I liked that. It was the most reassuring thing I had heard all day.  You really do hang on to phrases like that.  I remember saying them more than once to families I have admitted.  I hope they got some reassurance from me. 

He also said, I have no worries with you. I think you should do just fine with the anesthesia.  
He was very believable, sincere, real. As real as any anesthesiologist I have every known.  

So now, tired. ready to go home. Need to tend to my personal care and get Clare home for a nap.  It's now 4 hours later than when I left the house. 

Guess it's all over but the cutting now.... I'm going to be fine right?

I am doing the right thing. As James said, it has to be better than how you are living right now right?

I love this article!!!!!!
I WAS PARTICULARLY STUNNED AND REASSURED TO READ ABOUT FIBROMYALGIA AS WELL.... KEEP READING BELOW. 
FINALLY, I KNOW I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR SURE.
I will think of this as I am waiting for my surgery on Monday, November 12. 
By far right now the most grief I have is this FM pain. 
I really have hope now.


      Bariatric Procedures Help Alleviate Musculoskeletal Symptoms

The latest study given to the World Congress of Osteoarthritis reveals that Bariatric Surgery influences more than just weight loss for patients. New information reveals the beneficial impact of Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery on musculoskeletal symptoms.

Chicago, IL (PRWEB) March 29, 2006 -- A new study was presented to the World Congress of Osteoarthritis, containing positive new information about the effects of Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery, a bariatric surgical procedure. In the study, of 48 patients (47 women and one man) who underwent Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery, 52% of patients saw complete resolution of musculoskeletal symptoms, both in weight-bearing and non-weight bearing sites, six months after surgery.

Dr. Michelle Hooper, of University Hospitals of Cleveland, evaluated 48 patients before and six months after laparoscopic or open Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery. After the bariatric procedure, she reported that the percentage of patients with a variety of comorbid conditions decreased.

A before-and-after analysis of comorbid conditions revealed that hypertension(high blood pressure) decreased from 52% to 14%, sleep apnea from 46% to 14%, depression from 33% to 14%, type 2 diabetes and asthma both dropped from 30% to 7%.

Perhaps most significantly, Fibromyalgia, a disease characterized by diffuse and or specific muscle, joint, or bone pain, fatigue and a wide range of other symptoms, resolved in 90% of patients surveyed in the study. Dr. Hooper theorized that the dramatic resolution of fibromyalgia symptoms may be due to a decrease in other comorbid syndromes, particularly depression, and an increase in physical activity.

When asked for a reaction to the study, Dr. Gregg Jossart, a surgeon at Laparoscopic Associates of San Francisco, stated, "This confirms that weight loss surgery can effectively improve or cure many weight related musculoskeletal conditions. Most interesting is the 90% cure rate for fibromyalgia. This was simply unknown prior to this study. Bariatric surgery procedures like the Gastric bypass, LapBand, Duodenal Switch and Vertical Gastrectomy all offer the potential to improve or cure arthritis, degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia and in many cases patients are able to avoid joint replacements."

In addition to the symptom resolution described above, there were also decreases in the following pain symptoms: knee (75% to 44%), ankle/foot (46% to 8%), shoulder (40% to 27%), lumbar spine (38% to 15%), carpal tunnel syndrome (31% to 15%), hip joint (31% to 15%), trochanteric bursitis (29% to 17%), and epicondylitis (13% to 4%).

Dr. Hooper concluded by saying, "obesity is associated with a poor quality of life, which improves significantly after weight loss associated with gastric bypass surgery."

About Laparoscopic Associates of San Francisco:

Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Laparoscopic Associates is the only group in the Western United States to perform all weight-loss surgeries laparoscopically. They specialize in Lap Band Surgery, Vertical Gastrectomy, Roux-en-Y Surgery, and the Duodenal Switch.

More information about weight-loss surgery can be found on LAPSF's Website, www.lapsf.com, or by contacting Laparoscopic Associates of San Francisco, 2100 Webster Street, Suite 518, San Francisco, CA 94115, phone: 415-561-1310, fax: 415-561-1731.

I just re read that last post and I was so out of it. 
Lyrica I am sure is a fine medicine but not for me. Even if it worked for me eventually I don't want to be that loopy ever again.  Plus I am just going to have to figure out a way to take it after surgery and I don't wanna add another med to my list right now. 

So for now it's just 2 Darvocet + 1 Vicoprofen twice a day and sometimes at night if the pain is exceptionally bad. 

I am starting to think about the surgery now every day. 
Every bite of food I take I think about. 
What I've noticed is that I do have hunger.  But it makes me anxious.  The actual feeling of hunger makes me very anxious. I don't like feeling hungry at all.  I crave sugar when I am hungry and anxious. Then when I eat it in whatever form I feel sick and guilty.  I can't wait for that to go away for awhile so I can learn that hunger is actually a good feeling. 

Wonder what conditioned me to have hunger make me feel anxious. 
I used to get mad at my brothers for eating all the 'good' food mom used to bring home from the store. I remember it vividly. She would almost be bowled over by 3 teenaged boys saying "what'd you get at the store mom?"
before she ever stepped foot in the door.  I kid you not. Those 3 all ate my parents out of house and home.  And the dinner table. Forget it.  They ate everything. So I was always worried I would not get what I wanted and I didn't like that at all. I knew what I wanted and they were always there to eat it before I was able to.

2 of them now, the twins are exceptionally thin. 
My youngest brother Michael, well, he's not.  I love him but he's as big as me if not more.  But he's had some health issues too, so I don't know.  Leads me to believe even more it's all in the genes too. He and I both favor Dad by far.  Mike even more than me. He got his fair coloring. I am dark eyed and dark haired like mom. But we are so much alike. All our weight is in our belly. No doubt. Worst place for it.  He's another walking heart attack waiting to happen. Plus he's already survived renal cell carcinoma. But anyway. 
They use to eat a lot my brothers. A LOT. 

I really do need to do something drastic. I told James it feels like I am on a one way road and I am speeding on the road and I am driving a car with no brakes and no steering. ( Well, in truth the brakes do work sometimes) but I cannot steer off into another direction.  So I need something or someone (thank you Dr Meilahn and staff) to push me off the road I am on onto a better road, paved with better answers and all the help I need to turn this tractor trailer into a Porsche.  Yep. Porsche. Why not. 

Off I go to the Body shop. Hah, just thought of that. 
But first, I have to weigh in with Dr Meilahn next week for my preop appt and I have only lost 6 lbs. Now I have to keep them off!
Just doing that requires all my energy.   

I'm cold. Tired. Going to bed. 
After I read MM blog. I am so worried about her blood sugar.

I was so drugged by my new medication that I overslept this morning and didn't wake up until 730am, which is when my son's bus comes to pick himup.

So there I see the bus waiting outside my house.
I told bus driver we overslept and I would take Sean to school.
 
In zombie mode I somehow get Sean ready for school. Put Clare's clothes on for school and can't find her shoes to save my life.

We have a puppy and she chews, everything. All the time. and she can jump on anything and get things off tables, so she chews anything and everything. So shoes are missing but she is ready for nursery school 

It's now 815am and we drive Sean to school.

Now I have to go to Kohls to buy shoes for Clare before her nursery school starts at 9am. 

Go to Kohls/ buy shoes.
Put them on child. 
Child was barefoot in store. 
Lady at checkout says, "do you have her other shoes or did she come barefoot into the store today?"  nicely, not bitchy. 
I say "yes, it's a long story. It involves oversleeping and a puppy and it's just been a bad morning."
Lady behind me with superman jammies over her shoulder - I kid you not_ and the tell tale mom pony tail - says to us "well, we all have mornings like that every now and then."

thankful for the sympathy, I take Clare to school.
Come home.
Read paper.
Space out in my recliner. 
Thoughts of writing a book keeping popping in my head. They do from time to time. 
I read my favorite wall hanging that says " Make time for quiet, as God whispers and the world is loud."
Look at clock. Is it time to go get her yet?  How much time do I really have to space out and enjoy the softness of my recliner, with my feet up and alone in my house with my own thoughts.
Wonder if I really should write a book. Who wants to know what my life has been like. I couldn't say really. 

Kids. Ruining my train of thought. 
More later.

I cannot tell from one day to the next how bad the pain will be.  But one thing is for certain. I will have it. 

I worked all weekend. I sit down all day. Have to remind myself to get up and walk around. My muscles feel like cinder blocks. All of them, legs, thighs, arms.  

I just started Lyrica for the pain. It's been constant and really debilitating since June. 
It keeps me from doing so many things I want to do. 

Today I am spacey. So I should not really drive. It's hot here in Philly today. 
My goal now is to get Clare to lay down with me for a nap before Sean gets home. 

I can't wait to have energy again.

I had been waiting for the right time to tell my dad that my surgery was really going to happen. 

It's been a terrible week.  My husband has been gone the better part of the last 3 weeks. I have been up early getting Sean on the bus, taking Clare to school 2 days a week.  And for lack of a better word I am just completely physically exhausted.  So badly that after we decided to keep Sean home from school today due to fever and bad cough that came out of nowhere.

I told James at 815am that I didn't feel well and was going back to bed. 

I woke up 4 hours later. At 12:30pm.   Boy did that feel good.  

You see the thing that's with me all the time so much that I don't even think about it until it's pounding in my head is my pain.  I mean all over head to toe muscle pain.  It's FM, fibromyalgia. 

I had my appt with my rheumatologist yesterday. He started me on Lyrica.  So we'll see how that goes.   

So I woke from this nap, exhausted, head to toe just knackered as James says.  So I called my dad to see how he was.  And it came up. 
"Everyone here is asking about you, when you are going to have the surgery. "
Well I wanted to tell you that I have a date. November 12th.  And it would me an a lot to me if you were happy for me. 

So we talked and he finally said "I just hope it works" (I think he keeps reading all the bad things that happen to people and he assumes the worst always, always.)
I told him that my MD says I am too young to be this sick and he thinks it will help me a lot and I know many people that do very very well after the surgery. 

And he said to me 'If I were your age and as sick as you are I'd probably have it too."   

My date for surgery is 

Monday, November 12th.   

My preop visit with Dr Meilahn is Wed October 17th. 

Shari and Jen, please tell me what we do that day. I don't like to be surprised. 

Let the preop weight loss begin.

I'd like to be down about 10 pounds by the October 17th appt. Just joined FitDay.com to get some help.  Thinking about buying a week or two of premade food and adding slim fast to it, mostly b/c I have no idea what to eat. Nothing helps me lose weight. I'm completely lost on the eating front or else I wouldn't need this surgery. Trust me.
Thinking about www.dinewise.com b/c they let you buy a week at a time and it seems really reasonable cost wise. Payday is tomorrow. I'll see what I can do then.

SO SO SO EXCITED. I do want to show Dr Meilahn that I have lost something at that appt so that is my next goal!

So I've told all my buddies here at OH I have been approved.

Told 2 of my brothers- 1 more to go.
Told all my best girlfriends. 

Everyone has been so so so supportive. 

Now. I have to tell. My dad. 

Ugh. 
He is not happy about me having this.  And I am not so sure why. 
Maybe b/c he thinks he won't be able to feed me anymore when I come home. 
Maybe b/c he's afraid something bad will happen to me. 
Maybe b/c he sees so much of himself in me  (I now weigh more than my dad believe it or not)

Well, it bothers me some b/c he is not very supportive of many things I have done. Like move away from him mostly.
But I did anyway. 

I just don't like that he cannot support me when I need him the most. 
If mom were here she would be VERY supportive b/c she knows it's what I want and knows I am capable of making this difficult decision. 

I don't know. He's just really frustrating sometimes.  I have to tell him. 
I just know I am going to be disappointed in his response. Especially since I am so excited for me and my health. 

I'll let you know.

This is my happy dance line....because....drum roll please...

I was approved!!!!

I got the email from Nyeesha just last night, very late. She was in the office and emailed me as soon as she saw the fax!

She offered me appts this week for preop and to have surgery next MONDAY! aaagggghhh. No I don't think so!!
So I shall keep everyone up to date. I will talk to Ny on Monday about doing it in November.