Jennifer M.

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Today is a good day, some what. I woke up to 6inches of snow and all area schools cancelled (even my school, which NEVER closes). There are periods of whiteout conditions, and 30-50mph winds. Fun huh? I think not. So today I get to snuggle up in my snuggie!!!  What is so funny is I had just emailed my professor to tell him I wouldn't be able to  make it to class today, less than 10mins later, I seen on the news that it was closed.   So today is a good day. Only sucky thing is that my husband still has to work. He is a delivery driver at a local pizzeria.  You would think the owner would have a heart right? Well nope..Its business like usual.

I dared to step on the scale this morning...I lost another 2lbs..So..Im 130lbs!!!! yayyyyyyyyyyyy I never ever thought i would get this tiny. I took my rings in to get sized..They are going to be a SIZE 6!! When I got them, they were a 7.5. Guess I had sausages for fingers?? I changed my goal weight from 110lbs to 115lbs..I think that goal is more reachable. So that means I only have 15lbs to go!!! I am sooo psyched!! Yayyyyyy  I will be there soon enough!!   Now if I can just get the whole exercise thingy down!! My wonderful husband did buy me the new Reebok Easy Tones sneakers for Christmas..I think they are by far the best sneakers I have ever owned..Plus, he got them in black so they will go with everything I wear and i can wear them to work  Yes, he did give them to me early...

 What I didn't realize was that I had bones under all the fat!!! Today, while in class, I started scratching my neck..I have bones there.. Who would have thought!! I also found I have hip bones, and ribs. For so long, I felt that I was all fat. Nope not true!! Yayyy Finally it is starting to pay off. I also did not realize that I have curves. I have not seen my curves since my husband and I met 8yrs ago. Down side?? My girls have shrunk. It's not a down side they shrunk, but now they look ewww!!  But if it's a small price to pay..I will pay it. Oh well..

My duaghter, Noelle's Birthday is coming up in less than 2weeks, December 13th. She's going to be 8 yrs old.  I am really not looking forward to it. We decided to throw her a bowling birthday party. She wanted a swimming party, but I said no. I don't feel comfortable having her friends in the pool without their parents there. Soo, we decided on the bowling party. At first, we were going to have it at home, but she wanted friends, plus I had friends coming with kids. I felt it was too much in our house with so many people, and wear and tear on my home. Not to mention, my pug, Sophie, doesnt like too many people (men). She is ok with kids and women, but not to fond of men. We got a good deal too. For $100 we get 2games of bowling, pizza, shoes, balls, and fun (not to mention, clean up!!)!! Which I didn't think was all that bad..Only thing is we have to bring our own cake which is fine with me. The day before her birthday, we are taking her to a play at a chapel by our house. They are putting on a Christmas play (The story of Christmas). She went to a similiar play last year. Shawn took her for her birthday last year.

Well guess that's it for now!!

 I am soo in love lately. Inlove with my surgery and my decision! Plus my scale has become my worst enemy. I dont weigh myself any more. I let my clothes sizes do my weighing for me. I did get weighed this am..Just to see... I think my scale lies. It has weighed me in at 137#s but I got weighed at school and was 134#s. My scale hates me!  You know what?!? The feelings are mutual! Im thinkin of throwing it in the trash.

When I did my last shopping for new clothes, I tried on a size 8 pants...THEY FIT!! They were a tad snug..but the important thing is in a couple of months, they wont be so snug (I hope). I havent been a size 8 since after I graduated high school in 1995. (cap and gown was a small and dress was a size 5/6 and I weighed 105lbs at 5ft tall). I cant wait until I get my spring refund check..Shopping spree here I come!! My husband did say with our tax refund I was gonna get some to do some shopping.. I love clothes shopping now..as where last summer I just wore the same old rags that I had for the last 5yrs (even some were my pregnancy clothes). NOW when I get paid from work, I go and buy at least one new outfit..This week I am gonna try Old Navy..I have never shopped there before..I was too fat for their clothes. I also want to try fitting into Victoria Secret Bras.. Along with my 87lb weight loss, my "girls" have also lost some wt... They are a lot lighter..But wrinkly from excess skin.. Oh well..maybe my ins will cover some PS or I will save.

I was walking around campus at school today, and I ran into a professor I had when I first came to Hilbert College and she is also my advisor. She knew I had the surgery. Any way..She said I look 10yrs younger!!! I told her that I now get proofed for cigs and alcohol (which is true since surgery). I am 33yrs old, wife of 7yrs and mom of 3 kids!! LOL  Im not gonna complain..I figure when I hit my 40s I will look like Im in my 30s. LOL  

I cant wait until I hit goal! Its gonna happen soon..I can feel it. For the first time last wk, I played football with my kids and chased them around the yard. I have never done that before. My husband is going to buy me the new Reebok sneakers for chrismas and resize my wedding bands and mothers ring. My fingers and feet shrunk..I was a  size 7 ring, and a size 6.5 shoe..Now even with ring guards, my rings are just about falling off, and I can fit into a size 5.5 shoe.. Who would have thought my feet and fingers where so small? When I was fat..everyone thought I was big boned..They were wrong.I tried telling people I wasnt that big boned. They told me that 105lbs would be too skinny for me..Well I used to be that tiny..Wore a bikini..and did not look sickly. I did not have an eating disorder..Just was naturally skinny. Once I was done growing and realized I love junk food, and fast food, that is when I packed on the weight.  It did not help that I was raped ON my 21st birthday..That helped me gain the weight. That and being in an emotionally abusive relationship with my 2 daughters fathers. I will never wear a bikini again (unless I have PS) but I will wear one of the 2 piece bathing suits that is a longer top and skirt type bottoms (I love those ones..).  I had one from a couple of summers ago when I lost 30lbs on Nutrisystem, but I gained the weight back and then some..the bathing suit got too small..NOW it is too big. LOL Who would have thought my bathing suit from a few summers ago would be too big??

BTW...I need to update my avatar with some new pics... Just waiting to take some new ones.. I was in the 150s when that pic was taken at the beginning of summer..I used to wear jeans all summer...That will never happen again (just no couchie shorts)!! Like I said..I'm loving my new life!!

Well guess thats it for now..

Interesting phone conversation makes me wonder?? How do some people sleep at night? I have been having some behavior issues with my son, Patrick, again.Such as him constantly pooping his pants..He flat out REFUSES to poop in the toilet. He turned 5 in Sept. So, frustrated and at the end of my rope, and there being long waiting lines at the counseling centers for kids in my area, I contacted a child psychologist at Yale University, Dr Alan Kazdin. He is a very nice man He emailed me back and gave me the phone number of his office intake person. I called her and she took my information. Funny thing is that they wanted me to come to Ct. For the 2 day intensive program was $2000 and didnt even include lodging for those of us out of town. I couldnt believe my ears! But they do a sliding fee scale for sessions online via webcam!! Who ever thought of having sessions online was a genious! The lady told me it was $45 a session once a week for 6-8wks. I am ok with that. So..We are going to do the online sessions. Im pretty psyched of trying something new. Im sure as hell not traveling to Yale to get the counseling..If worst came to worst..I would do it at a place near me.

Wish us luck!

 Nothing new to really report. I have been at a stall for about 2 weeks, but considering doing the 5day pouch test on sunday (cant do it before then because i need to be able to eat on Sat's fashion show!!).

We are having a fashion show on Sat at our support group. Im excited. I am not in it (i dont do public appearances..ask my public speaking prof!! LOL). I will be a cheerleader sitting on the sidelines, supporting others. The one thing I am really psyched about is meeting Baby Joe Mesi (former professional boxer-turned politician). I have been in love since he first started boxing way back when... LOL Now I get to meet him...This is the second time I got to meet one of my fav celebrities...I met Dierks Bentley in 2006 when he was at the Erie County Fairgrounds. Awesome man!! He was soo nice and sweet. This was before Evie was born. His daughter was born on my oldest daughter's birthday (10/4) (and Taylor Swift's birthday is on my middle daughter's birthday (12/13)...and she loves taylor swift).

Anyway...back to baby joe...how awesome is this!!! Although I have heard some not so nice things about him.. He cant be all that bad if hes coming to our support group for an appearance.

School is almost over..4 wks left in the semeseter. I cant wait to be done for the semester..I should have my associates in Human Services in May of 2011...YAYY finally some light at the end of the tunnel!! I am going to graduate then, and then register for my BA is Human Services or Rehabilitation services (the only college in NYS to offer an accredidated degree program). The only thing that has got me stumped for the remaining of this semester is the stupid Annotated Bibliography. (I have been putting off English and Math for a bit..but finally decided to get with it..and taking a math and english this semester and next to get them out of the way.) My GPA so far is probably a 2.5-3.0 somewhere..

Well guess thats it for now!!

 Not sure how to feel these days. I seem to always find myself on the CNN website, watching Nancy Grace, HLN, ect... You get the point. There always seems to be a child missing and found dead somewhere. Usually either by a parent, caregiver, or sex offender. Even women are being targeted. I am to the point that I do not go any where alone and I don't allow my children to travel any where without me. My oldest has a friend who lives around 5-8 mins away, and I will drive or walk her there. I am that paranoid that something is going to happen to her. I am to the point where I won't even let my kids play outside without me.  I live in a mobile home park, where the park does do a background check, but they can't check those driving around the neighborhood. When I say my oldest daughter's friend lives 5-8 mins apart, I mean in the other mobile home part next to ours. Our back yard backs up to the other park. There is a bike path that the kids usually use to pass through to get to the other park. We do have a sex offender who lives on the main road enterance to the park. I also will NOT leave my kids with a babysitter,unless it is my mother in law, or a friend of mine from work, or another friend's daughter who is 17. Just need to know..Am I just being too paranoid, precautious, or overprotective, insane?? Or am I just being safe? People keep telling me with what is going on in the world today, you can't be too cautious...But I dont know...

 Well I decided to kick the depression out of myself, so I went shopping..I went to the new Super Walmart in my town, and bought myself a new shirt (Medium) and a new pair of jeans (size 10..can fit into the 8s, but still a bit snug). I was soo excited when I fit into my new clothes that I almost started crying. Not because of depression, but rather excitement!!  I am still a tad blah about this new body, not because of the fact I lost weight, but because of the extra skin thing..But not complaining because the scale makes up for it. I just decided that Im gonna save up the next 2yrs so I can get a tummy tuck and possibly liposuction. God knows Im gonna need one!! But still not complaining!!

I went to my Human Services Association meeting last night at school before my night class, and the president finally noticed all the weight I have lost..She was praising me on how good I look and asked me what my trick to losing all this weight was. I told her about my surgery in May..Needless to say she was a bit surprised. I basked in the glory that someone outside of here and my family, noticed and loved the way I looked!! It was awesome!! I have worked so hard to look the way I look and it is finally paid off! I just have to up the workouts. I saw a bunch of ladies doing the Zumba at the mall on Halloween, and it looked like fun! I am thinking of finding out where it is being held and maybe joining the group. The gym where my drs office is also has a gym with diff workout groups and I was thinking of joining there as well, as a lot of Dr Cs patients are members. I have a membership to the YMCA but dont like going there alone and my hubby wont go. My oldest daughter has offered to go with me, but the age limit is 14, and shes 10. Oh well..

As regards to school, it seems my GPA will be a B..Oh well I wanted an A, but who doesnt right?!? Next semester I am going to take PreAlgebra 2, English Writing in the Humanities, and an Psychology class about Adolescence Psychology..I need a developmental psychology class for my Human Services degree. Fun right?? I am looking forward to the psychology class the most. Math and English not so much, but its required. I have to take the math class because I suck at math..On the placement test, I did not do so well and it said that I need to take remedial math (1 and 2). I have put it off as long as I could, but I cant put it off any longer as I needs statistics soon..Graduation calls in a yr  and a half for my associates, then onward upward for the BA..Im still going to stay at Hilbert for my BA, Not sure if Im gonna go for Rehabilitation or Human Services. Rehabilitation deals with those that are disabled, but I think counseling may be my calling. I took a counseling class in the spring and got an A in the class..I loved it! I dunno..I will decide when I cross that bridge. Right now I am focusing on my associates degree, so I can finally walk across that stage. I have been in school for 1000yrs.

Well guess thats it for my rambling!!

Love and hugs to all!!

I have some days where I am soo happy that I have had this opportunity to have a life changing surgery. Then I have days where I get soo depressed. I know my husband means well. I know how much he loves me for me, but last night he said that he loves this body more and cant keep his hands off me now that I have lost all this weight. It kinda made me upset. Sometimes he says things without thinking it would hurt my feelings. This kinda did hurt a little. Granted, yes I know I ate myself to that weight, and I knew what was going to happen once I lost weight. I just didnt expect to feel "post partum" depression. I call it that because I feel the same way I did after I had my 3 kids. Depressed.

My kids also have said more things about the heavier me. They dont get picked on any more that their mommy is fat. Mommy is not that fat any more. I only have 26lbs until I hit goal wt. I should be happy, but I sometimes resent this body I am in now.

My back doesnt hurt as much as it used to, but now I fall alot more..Why i dont know?!?! 

I just wish I could be more confident and comfortable in this new body. I felt comfortable before. Maybe thats why I got the way I was. I got comfortable. I was heavy when my middle child was born (179lbs, which for a small framed, short person, is heavy) and when I lost the baby weight I weighed 127lbs. I  was very sick with that pregnancy (as I was with all 3). I stayed at that weight until I met my husband in 2002. My daughter was 4 months old. Now here I am 7yrs later, and almost to that weight once again. My children dont know the thinner me. To them I have always feen fat.

My husband took me to a fancy restaurant for my birthday tonight (a little early..its actually tomorrow). It was nice. But the WOW moment is when I felt really uncomfortable in the dress I was wearing. I know it doent seem like a wow moment, but it was. It was a tight little black dress that fit PERFECTLY. Like it was made just for me. I love this little dress, and I was able to wear heels..something I had not done since we got married almost 7yrs ago. I am down to 138lbs now and a size 12 (though I can get into a size 10, but realized that it is a tad tight, though I can button pants). I felt uncomfortable because for so long I became comfortable being the fat person I was, that now being in this new body, I was asked if we were there for the 50th anniversary party. I dont think they would have asked otherwise.

I'm so mad at my scale!!! It has been telling for the past few weeks that I haven't lost anything. In fact it has been telling me that I gained!! BUT actually, I fit into a size 10 today. ME A SIZE 10!!! I havent been this tiny since a year out of high school (17yrs ago). I have realized that I may need some plastic surgery in the future, but I'm not concentrating on that. I don't care right now..I'm focusing on the fact I got into a size 10 and was able to wear them comfortably...ad get this...BUTTON them!!! Sorry to brag, but soooo psyched!! What an awesome Birthday present to ME! My b-day is Sunday and I'm going to be 21, again (or so I tell my kids so shhhh LOL) I wish I could be 21 again, in a round about way. But I wouldn't have the family I have today. I was 22 almost 23 when I had JoHanna (my oldest).

Anywho...just wanted to share my awesome news!!