Darla S.

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How the heck did THAT happen?

Yesterday would have been my dad's 85th birthday.  I wonder what he thinks of me now?

Today is my precious poochie's birthday - Happy 4th, Hazel!!!  (Good grief, I love that doggie!)

Me?  I'm mysteriously out of steam lately.  Still.  I go to coffee and support group religiously, parties and such, but I just don't feel as animated as I ought to...  as I usually have.  Do I chalk it up to stress?  Depression over marital crap?  Do I try to increase my B-12 to see if that'll help?  Man, it's NO FUN being in a funk...

I've kind of re-focused on my WLS, tho - keep bouncing between the same 5 pounds, when what I'd REALLY like is to be another 15 (?) down.  So no more snack foods available at work except jerky and protein bars.  Eat to live, not live to eat.  Food is fuel, not recreation, not medication.   I want to be 5 pounds down between the 1st and the 8th!   (If only my energy level was up to more exercise!!!  ARGH!!!)

How's THAT for some random rambling?  Hardly worth posting, really...

... and I haven't had one profound thing to "blog" about all month! 

Life has been stressful this past month.  Lots of people who mean the world to me have been struggling with a plethora of issues, and somehow or other, I seem to have become a shoulder to cry on, some sort of human confessional booth, a sounding board for their issues.  I know that sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm not.  It flatters me to no end when people entrust me with their extremely personal stuff - I've just been having a hard time figuring out WHY people come to me with things? 

I've been really proud of myself for keeping confidential stuff confidential.  But some days, when I'm forced to face my OWN issues on top of it all, I feel like I may explode.    Then again, some of this stuff makes MY issues seem pretty insignificant.

One dear friend in particular, gave me some very comforting perspective.  A bit more "religious" than I typically look at things, but it helped.  She said that God is using me to provide some sort of comfort for people who are struggling - that he made me honest, sincere and down-to-earth so that people know they can come to me and not be judged, and I happen to be a bit more accessible to them if they aren't so inclined to have a one-on-one with God.

If that's true?  That's pretty cool.  If I can help God out like that?  I'm more than willing.

As for my WLS?  Still working it.  Some days better than others, but my LOW end is dropping - very slowly - closer to my surgeon's goal!  I'm within @ 11 pounds of that milestone!  GOAL!?!      Wow....  It's funny, tho, the lower my weight goes, the MORE sensitive I am to it!  I never used to have "fat" days or "skinny" days - now, it's like I can actually TELL if I'm up or down a pound or two!  Whodathunkit??

I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE two years has passed!   When I was pre-op, and a "newbie" loser, I looked at others on this site who were even just 6 months ahead of me and wondered... "will I ever get there?" 

Tonight I sit here wondering - HOW THE HELL DID TWO YEARS PASS BY SO QUICKLY???

I'll tell you how.  The unspeakably precious friendships I've found as a result of this board, as a result of regularly attending PNC support group meetings and coffee get togethers.  It's true, time really DOES fly when you're having fun!  And having fun is EXACTLY what happens when I spend time with you all!  So if I'm going to offer any of you one snippet of unsolicited advice, it's to put yourself out there.  MEET people at coffees, support groups, or whatever random get-togethers you might read about here!  Yes, it's probably stepping WAY outside your comfort zone at first, we've all been hard wired to DETEST putting ourselve in social settings for fear of being the "invisible elephant" in the room.  NOW is the time to put that notion to rest, and REACH OUT!  You are BOUND to find some very special people who can help you along your journey!

So as I stare my two year "surgiversary" in the face, what about my life IS better? 

- My health, first and foremost.  The reason I did this, to up my chances of living a longer, BETTER life!  To be there for my kids, to be an active grandma someday!

- My wardrobe!  I'll NEVER be a "clothes horse", or even mildly fashionable.  But I can shop darn near anywhere I want, I've gone from a size 32 jeans 2 years ago, to a 16 today.  (Is 14 possible? MAYBE!  Will I bum out if this is it for me?  HELL NO!  I'm one heckuva happy camper!)

- I fit on/in anything I want to fit on/in!  I don't need to list anything here - whether you're pre-op or at goal, I know YOU all get what that means!

This is one heckuva hard ride, but SO VERY WORTH IT!  And I have come to realize that it's never going to be over, I'll have to take my supplements every day (so NOT a problem for me).  I have to work my tool every day.  I WILL make bad choices, and when I do, I WILL forgive myself, pick myself back up and get back in the proverbial saddle - FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

Am I at "goal"?  Nope.  To be honest, I don't even know what my goal is!  I was never given a number to shoot for, and as much as I wonder where I should expect to be, I appreciate NOT having some random number dangling in front of me.  Without that, I am encouraged to ALWAYS work my tool, as I did when I was newer to this WLS gig.  

Am I upset or ashamed that at 2 years out, I'm not "there" yet?  Nope.  WLS doesn't expire.  I've got the rest of my life to work for that.  I'll never be "done".

I will NEVER be comfortable with people calling me "skinny" or "thin". 

And butt bones are, quite literally, a pain in the ass!!!

Those little reminders that I can NOT eat like a "normal" person, I mean.

I know I said in my last post I wasn't going to eat after 7 any more, but truth is, sometimes life doesn't allow me to follow my own rules.

Last night, I got home from support group at nearly 8:30.  I hadn't eaten anything since lunch, so I figured I'd better get something in.  (I never feel hunger...)  I heated up some leftover turkey and gravy, sat down, and ate it carefully.  Everything was fine.

Then I decided to finish off with 2 or 3 bites of cottage cheese salad. 

Bad idea...   Darla got STUCK, but GOOD!  Or bad, as it truthfully felt.  DANG that hurts!  It's like there's this big 'ol FIST in your chest, right behind the sternum (or "knob", if you're Sandy),  trying to SQUEEZE those last offending bits through your little stoma, but it ain't going nowhere.  Every 30 seconds or so...... OUCH!!!

So I had to - uh...  flush it.  Took 4 tries, but I got it out.  Ugh....  Been a LONG time since THAT'S happened! 

Cottage Cheese Salad
1 large tub of cottage cheese (I use 1%)
1 large can of crushed pineapple, drained well
8 oz SF Cool Whip
2 sm. pkgs SF jello, any flavor you want (I've tried lime, black cherry, and orange)

Stir them all together and enjoy!  Seems to set up nice after a day, unless you didn't drain the pineapple well enough...

JUST DON'T EAT IT AFTER A LATE, BRIEF DINNER OF TURKEY & GRAVY!!!

Sometimes, life just bites a person in the hiney, ya know?  I'm not complaining, I wouldn't change anything I've done, but just been a wee bit overwhelmed this week.

Some of the things I've had to/WANTED to deal with this week? 

We bought a "new" car last Saturday.  Needed a new battery installed and new wiper blades.  No biggie - went back to the dealer after work Monday to have those two things taken care of.  But not before Trav called - some kid wailed a basketball at his head in gym, which broke his glasses.  So after the car was done, I had to drive home, pick up Trav, and go back into Maple Grove to have the fine folks at Pearl Vision see what they could do for his mangled specs.  (They're replacing them - just slightly beyond his warranty period, but they're doing it anyway, God bless 'em!  Managed to fix up the broken ones well enough so he can see 'til the new ones are ready.)  Got home just after 9pm, so didn't eat dinner until darn near 9:30.  NOT GOOD.

Tuesday, my dear friend June called me at work, sounding not at all well - ended up taking her to the ER and staying with her until she was finally admitted and settled into her room @ 9:15pm.  Got home @ 10:15, so didn't eat dinner until nearly 10:30pm.  Normally, I wouldn't have bothered, but I hadn't eaten anything since 1pm, and had made a roast in the slow cooker that smelled DIVINE!!  I just had to have some.  Still, dinner at 10:30pm?  NOT GOOD.

Wednesday - Hubby, who has been sick for 6 weeks, nearly passed out at work and got very nervous about what the hell is wrong with him.  So I called the clinic, called on my inner bitch, and made a little noise about no more dicking around and figuring out WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM!  I mean seriously?  He had been through FOUR different antibiotics without any blood work or urine testing.  How WRONG is that???  So the squeaky wheel really DOES get the grease, and they're on his case much more urgently than before.  I won't bore you with details.   Had to pick the daughter up at the HS after work, she had gone to the Target Center on the fan bus to watch the girls BB team lose.  Got home @ 5:30, ate, then had to drive in to Maple Grove to pick up yet ANOTHER Rx for DH!!  Got home after 8pm.  Ate some more - yogurt, Peanut butter on 1/2 an English muffin.  Not hungry, but stressed.  NOT GOOD.

Thursday on my way to work,  I took my new wheels to Holiday for a fill and a car wash.  The attendant who was waving me into the carwash apparently wasn't attentive enough - my drivers' side front wheel cover BROKE when he steered me right into the track!  Fortunately, the station manager was BEYOND cool about it - gave me his card, pointed me to the autobody place just down the block, told me to go there & get it taken care of, they would bill him directly.  Still, my new car looks like CRAP without that wheelcover!  I will get the new one today (Friday).  Then after work, I went to pick June up from the hospital and take her home  (she had a couple of bleeding ulcers...). Had to stop at Target for her on the way home.  Got her settled back into her apartment by about 6:45pm, then drove out to Buffalo for a friend's mom's visitation.  As long as I was that close, and I knew he was really hurting, I went.  He was pretty surprised, and very grateful that I came.  Been there, done that, was very grateful for the friends that supported me when I lost my dad, so I just had to do that for him.  Got home @ 8pm, then ate a pork chop with a little rice and asparagus.  Good, but at 8:30pm?  NOT GOOD.

This morning (Friday), I woke up with a ginormous STYE in my left eye!  That sucker is swollen half shut!  And it kinda hurts, too - I look like Quasimodo, minus the hump on my back...  ARGHHHH! 

What's the point of all this?  I'M FRICKIN' STRESSED!!!   Not the least bit upset at anyone I've done things for this week, I wouldn't do a thing different.  But my schedule is off.  EATING LATE IS EVIL!!!  I've gained back 2 of the 3 pounds I lost last week - and I haven't been eating bad things, or excessive amounts - I'm CONVINCED it's a matter of having eaten SO LATE!!!  

It's not a WLS rule, but I am going to try to make it MY rule - NO MORE EATING AFTER 7pm.  Period.  For ANY reason.  We'll see what THAT does for my scale???

Old habits - old TAPES - die hard!   I HATE getting on the scale!  Is it first thing in the morning AFTER a good pee, and perhaps even more?  If not, I'm not stepping on it.  Period.

Even when I feel like I may be down a pound or two, I HATE that sucker. 

Today, my 16's that have been SKIN FRIGGIN' TIGHT, are feeling big.  The waist slides down onto my hip bones (just being able to acknowlege that I HAVE hip bones is amazing!!), and the legs feel baggy.  You'd think I'd be EXCITED to get on the scale, wouldn't ya? 

Argh....

My uncle Emil finally passed away on the 6th, so we (my mom, brother and SIL) drove out to Madison, MN, for the funeral.  He was 91, lived a very full life, and just plain wore out.  Rest in Peace, Emil.

What does that have to do with this blog?

Well, the last time I saw most of these family members was at a different aunt's funeral, about 6 weeks after my WLS.  I had a few cousins who claimed they didn't even recognize me at first glance!  Gratifying as that was, it makes me a little sad to know SO MUCH of my life was spent ridiculously OBESE!  That's what they expect me to be, and to see me otherwise was shocking!  Even tho I've written about my WLS briefly in our Christmas letter... I guess they just had to see it to believe it. 

Anyway, it was nice to hear all the compliments, to see how awkward some of them felt when they wanted to say something...    And I was able to wear NICE clothes for once - I actually felt like I LOOKED decent, too! 

Then, after the funeral, we drove home in a frickin' BLIZZARD.  Seriously?  We probably SHOULD have stayed out there another night, but my brother is a hardass.  Big 4x4 pick'm up, nothing would keep him out there one more night.

I'm rambling ...  a body gets pretty tense on country roads in white-out conditions.  I think I'm tired from 4 hours of it.

Since my last post, I have done the things I said I'd do, and today I'm down 3.5 pounds. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy as a clam!  But DANG... what a crazy ride!

I do forget about my WLS sometimes.  I can eat more than I need to, unlike earlier on - and I have myself to blame! 

Saturday night, my family had a Valentine's Day party at our house - we only invited my WLS/OH/coffee friends and their families.  It was GREAT!  Had about 24 people show up - we provided the meat (Rich is a darn good grill-master!), and everyone brought stuff to share potluck-style.  Oh man, what a buffet!  I didn't go hog-wild, but I did eat more than I needed to - those calico beans?  TO DIE FOR!  Salads, shrimp & cocktail sauce, it was all so good!  And 2 WLS-friendly desserts to top it off?  Wow...

But much of the left-over food was left at my house, so I've been dining on calico beans, steak bites, cottage cheese salad & such all weekend.

Today, my scale proved it.

Gotsta get back in the game - 3 small meals, 3 protein-based snacks, and lots of water.  And get my butt back on that Gazelle tonight, try to shake some of this LOOSE!

But I do love my WLS friends....  truly, the most unexpected BLESSING I've received as a result of this surgery!

Today is my 20 year anniversary with the Park District!!!    I can hardly believe it.  I THOUGHT it was yesterday, but checked my file - 1/30/89 was my start date! 

And NO, I was NOT wearing diapers when I started...

What has 20 years seen?

I met my husband at work, one month after I started.  He came in to watch the deer out behind the Nature Center.  We got to talking, he came in the next day, and the one after that, and finally asked me out.  We got married, had two kids, have moved twice, been up and down and all around.

I have held 2 positions with the Parks - one at Richardson Nature Center, and my current position, which I was promoted to in 1996.  I feel SO FORTUNATE to have a job I love, with a boss I ADORE, in an agency I am proud of!

My co-workers have seen me at my heaviest, and now at my healthiest adult weight ever.  Some make a big hairy deal of it, some have never even mentioned my weight loss.  And it's all good, because it's for ME and my kids, and I'M giddy over it!!

My nephew and kids have had opportunities to do things most never have - pet/hold owls, snakes, even a wolf pup.   I have developed interesting relationships with wild deer, adopted a "tame" bluejay that came hopping into my office through a sliding glass door.  I've watched inner-city children react with everything from amazement to TERROR at the sight of squirrels and chipmunks!  Had a few of those squirrels come in through the chimney, and chased them around a classroom trying to herd them out an open door they could not comprehend.  I have had raccoons, wild turkeys, 'possums, pheasants, coyotes and a plethora of raptors and songbirds look in at me from outside my window.  WAY cool, in my animal-loving opinion!

This summer, Bailey will be working her FIRST job ever - where?  For the Park District, of course!  The kids have done so much volunteer work with me for special events, I've already been told all she has to do is go through motions, and they'll be THRILLED to hire her!  Travis too, once he's old enough! 

I am truly thankful, in this economy, to have what I have.  I'll never get rich here, but it's a good place to be.  And I pray for everyone who is being negatively affected in their employment... 

I hope you don't mind me babbling on like this, but TWENTY YEARS??  It's nothing to sneeze at these days!

And just think - 16 more and I may be able to retire!!!   LOL....