mshill97

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Moved to Houston for 3 months, now I've been back for 5.5 months. Loved Houston, just missed my family a whole LOT more. I'm back in school full-time, time to earn another degree. YAY! Finally. I'm working full-time as well. I'm staying above a 3.6 GPA, grateful for that. Lots and lots of studying.

Wt.? Gained 12 in Houston, packed on another 5 when I got home. Food in Houston was too good, lol...Papas, YUMMY!  Exercise? On a good week, I'm lucky if I can get 3 days in. When it was still warm, it was easier for me to go, but now that it's COLD as heck, the last thing I feel like doing is leaving my warm house to go back outside, clean off my car, let it warm up. 

Exercise is not my problem, b/c I love it when I can fit it in. The diet, WHEW! still my battle. I'm joining weight watchers in the next week. I'm going for 25, that will put me below my happy wt, but I'm leaving bounce back room. Happy to be going for 25 vs. over 100 like it was before. I'm excited about joining, life is coming full circle in that aspect, b/c in the past I would roll my eyes in my mind when I saw ppl. joining who I perceived as not needing to lose any wt. and know I'm becoming one of those ppl. who needs to lose less than 30 lbs. If they only knew, but I was the same way in the past, only judging what was presented before me. 

In other news, I'm about to be an aunt for the 1st time. My older brother and his wife are about to have a baby. So excited!  Also, I'm working for a great company I worked for in the past and it is a trip looking at my old ID and the current one. 23 then vs 34 now. My face is not as puffy. The old one is not a bad pic at all, it was just perspective when I was filling down about these extra 17 lbs. I found since the Spring. I'll keep you updated on the WW journey.

WOW! What a journey this thing is. I'll focus on the pros first. The good news is that my body is starting to fill back out. My lil' butt is poking out again, and it's shaped better. I work those glutes. My breast has filled out some, not as saggy. That's the goods on the physical end. What is the negative? Some days I still see myself as fat, chubby, whatever. Some days I still eat way too much of the wrong foods, just because it's there. Impulse shopper here. So, that's mental. More on the plus side, still take my vits everyday and workout consistently. People who know me, know that's my thing, working out.

It's just that once again, now that weight-loss is no longer my primary goal, other things have come into focus. And being patient while those other life goals come to fruition. That's the long and short of it.

WOW! Time has truly flown by whether you're ready or not. The end of 2012, all I can think is boring, which I'm gonna be grateful for that blessing. Because, 2012 was such an epic year in my life. It was for sure the worse and the last 3 quarters were great. It was full of LOW low and HIGH highs. Being close to death and sick was no fun. Losing one of my best friends/favorite cousin's was not joyful, an aunt less than a month later. Winter 2011 was horrible, but as soon as Spring came into play my life transformed yet again. I gained a new lease on life. That's when the fun started, joined a gym, started monitoring what I could eat, versus what would stay down. Blood clots were about gone. Got into a pair of size 10's pants, size 8 shorts, wore a tank top outside of the house for the 1st time in my adult life.  NSV after NSV. I was talking to someone new and he actually called me tiny, a lil' bitty thing. I about passed out. But, I played it cool, lol...

The summer was a continuation. Red, white, and boom (big here), wore size 8 shorts, tank top. Ran into some people who did not recognize me at all. I was picked up in the air by a guy I know. I bought a size small dress from H&M, just the yr. before I had a XXL dress for my bday. Fall and the beginning of winter 2011 were great.

2012 nothing big happened, Oh yeah, I made goal, lol...Trying to get back there, but 143 is very hard to maintain for me, while 147-150 is not as hard as long as I don't go crazy w/ the simple carbs. I still get compliments, which is nice. This year things have normalized and I'm back to dealing with the same ish I was dealing w/ pre-op. You mean to tell the weight is not a cure-all? Not by a long shot. Yes, certain aspects are better like my confidence, physical fitness, and I'm more outgoing. But, it can create a new problem. Not settling. Yes, before I would settle for certain things. I can no longer use my weight as an excuse for inaction as I have in the past. Long story, PEACE OUT!

I got a new goal, I need something to fixate on in this weight-loss journey. Maintaining is boring to me right now, don't get me wrong gaining is no great adventure, the opposite of fun. However, I want to lose again and see a new low number. I don't have to stay there, I'm just curious to see what those extra few lbs. would do for my stomach, hopefully flatten it some more, it's pretty flat I must admit, minus the excess skin. uuuugggghhhh. Speaking of that, it's so frustrating b/c I want kids soon, so a tummy tuck is out of the question for the next several years. I'm not gonna get a tuck and possibly become pregnant in the next year or two...

Oh yeah, back to the new goal. It's 137, yes I want to weigh 137, it's the number I put on my new license and it's my birthday backwards. plus it's a realistic number for me I think. Although, yesterday I worked out for 3 hours, ate low calories and only lost 0.2 this am. So, I must be retaining water or something or I gained the muscle that fast. Possible w/ my genes which can be frustrating sometimes. I know people who have lifted for years and are nowhere near the muscle tone I see in my body. Genes. However, I'm not willing to let my muscles become slack just to lose some lbs. I know there's a solution out there for me. Also, 2's fit me pretty well, except for the muffin-top of excess skin. And I refuse to walk around w/ the extra skin just sitting there. What else? Attitudes of SOME women I've run into lately...

OK. When I was larger, people, especially women for the most part were nice to me or didn't pay me any mind. Fast forward to present day, that is not the case. I'm very much noticed and in too many cases it's not nice, I'm getting the stank eye from SOME females. It's weird to me, b/c I'm a girls' girl. And now, I find myself still wanting to be that open person chatting up and making quick associates of new women I meet like I always have. But, I'm finding there's no warm reception coming back my way in a lot of cases. I was not prepared for that, men are easy. Let me cut this,  I could talk too long on this subject.   137, here I come.

Yes, I have allowed myself to lose control. No, it hasn't led to a big re-gain, BUT there's potential for just that to happen. This summer I've averaged around 152-153, as high as 157. Scary. I let my emotions and a new job get me back into some bad habits. My clothes still fit the same, my saving grace is that I still exercise or else who knows what I might've gained. I just don't feel as healthy if that makes sense. From the outside I look the same, but on the inside when I eat unhealthy food or eating when I'm not hungry, I feel like a slob. So, what am I doing? For one, the training for the new job is almost over, so I won't be sitting and eating for 8 hours a day, since I'll actually be doing something w/ my hands once it's over. The emotions, I'm working through, 3rd,  is to turn the t.v. off. I don't usually eat junk at home unless I'm planted in front of a tv. So, that's my goal for the rest of the year to get back under 150 where I like it and feel most comfortable, my sanity. 

Also, I'm gonna join a new gym. My old/current (Lifestyles to CalFit10) gym was bought out some months ago, but the quality of the gym and the classes available has went down. The new gym is a part of my old (Lifestyles) gym chain, just new ownership, but they kept the same classes and offer even more. It's a lil' extra drive time, but the better health benefits are priceless for real. That is the only thing you can't buy is good health. On a good note  I have been maintaining this wt. for over a yr. Not my ultimate goal wt. but my for-real, for-real wt. for life. Which is the low 150's. 150 was my original goal, it was revised to 143, which is where I'm trying to get back to.

In conclusion, lol...I'm getting back on track with the food I consume AND will continue to celebrate how far I've come. Still rockin size 4 and 6's, an occassional stretchy 2..This WLS journey is one helluva ride and the majority of your problems will still be there even after the excess wt. is gone. I'd heard this, but I thought I'd be the exception, NO I still have some shit to work through.  Until next time....

At first, I wanted more and if it comes, IT will be welcomed. But, I'm not actively pursuing more wt. loss, I'm just working on maintaining and enjoying this journey. I'm starting to explore other areas of my life that I've been neglecting, such as my love life. I've allowed myself to actively re-enter the dating arena last August. It's been a doozy. I used to wish I were in a committed relationship before I had surgery, however I have changed, for the better. Sometimes, even my close friends and family are having to comes to terms with this newfound confident me. The one who doesn't take any crap, the one who is no longer invisible, the one who's comfortable w/ my sensuality. I'm more open, I care a whole hell of a lot less what ppl. have to say and more days than not I just don't give a F*c? what someone thinks of me, which is FREEING.

I feel so liberated. I can't even put into words. So yeah, I'm at goal. My range is the 140's. every once in a while for a day or two I see 150 or 151, I know as long as I keep doing what I'm doing it'll go back down. It usually happens after a vacation, as long as those food breaks don't turn into daily occurences, I'm good. 

Back to dating, I kept myself social w/ friends and family. but totally ignored the grown ass woman who wants intimacy w/ a man, children, vacations w/ a man, etc. When I was really in the thick of my obesity, at my highest in my late 20's 27-30, I so wanted a relationship but feared rejection more than putting myself out there. On top of the obesity challenge, I started working from home @27, further stunting my social acitivities. I was obese in my early- mid 20's as well, but I was in college and it was easy to meet guys at school and work. But even then, I felt unworthy and not to toot my own horn, but I had my fair share of options. But, it doesn't matter what people tell you, it's how you see yourself.  I would always say when I lose ____ lbs. All those fine men I denied myself, lmao! Seriously, I have no regrets b/c I wan't in a good mental space to have a good relationship, now I am. Stay tuned....

I don't have much to say, I hit my goal a couple of days ago and I'm extremely happy. But, I want more for some reason. I'm trying to concentrate on the here and now, live in the moment. Now, all I can think about weight-wise is possible going into the 130's just to see it. My preferred range for life is 143-147. I know that's tight, but from the past several months I know my body can maintain in even smaller numbers, for about 7 mos. my body has maintained b/t 148-152, from about October to when I started the sacred heart diet last week.  Occassionally going down to 147 and a few time to 153. So, this time around I want to stay in the 143-147 range or a little lower would be great.

What's next? Learn to live in the here and now instead of looking too far ahead. Celebrate that I weigh less than 145, read my other blogs and find that excitement that I had when I was pursuing the goal. That's it, keep journaling in my food journal, exercising, try to always eat healthier, that's it. Same thing  I was doing, but with less sweets.

WOW! I skipped right over 145 into 144 land. This is crazy amazing! I'm a lil' speechless. I45 and 150 were always these mystical numbers to me. Numbers I represented success and a great weight for my large frame and I'm here yall' Thank God, it's beens such a long journey, but well worth it. And I have two more days to go, will I hit 140? Whew! I could cry right now, but instead I'm just gonna do a celebration dance.

WOW! I couldn't believe it. I could fit size 2 skirts about a month ago. But,everyone knows you get a little leeway with skirts. But, pants yall. I got them to be goal pants for when I get to my ulitimate dream goal of 139/140 but the fact that they fit now is mind blowing. I always thought I had to be in 120's or at least low 130's to fit in them. Yes, I know vanity sizing is at play in clothes now vs. 40 yrs. ago. But, in today's present time, I can get my 140 something self in size 2's.  Amazing! That's what working out 5-6 days a wk. will do for you. While the scale may not move as much, the fat is being converted to muscle taking up less space, therefore less inches.

Also, the scale is moving again thanks to the sacred heart diet, I hit a new low this am. 146. Yeah Baby! And I still have 3 more days of this diet left. Lord, I'm so thankful I've finally decided to try it after watching other ppl. on it for close to a year off and on. The greatest part is that I find it comforting that I don't have to wonder what I'm going to eat, it spells it out what you eat everyday. So, I guess I'm one of those people who likes a routine when it comes to food. I already knew I basically ate the same breakfast everyday already. But, now I'm gonna stick to pretty much the same 3 meals and snacks everyday, just switch for special occassions. And I don't feel deprived.

Another great thing is that The Sacred Heart Diet hasn't slowed my metabolism, I still get hungry every 2-3 hours. That's 7 lbs loss in 4 days. I'll take it, yes I ate like a pig last week and let my wt. go back up to 153.  I even saw 154 for a few hours. Talking about scared. Anyways, I'll write again when I'm done with the diet.

Note to self: Control and remember. Just because I can have it, doesn't mean I should. I have been struggling w/ impulse eating like a mug. I will have no thought or desire to eat something sugary or salty and...BAMI'll walk into a store and a Turtles
pack, cookies, oatmeal creme pie, etc. will just grate my nerves until I purchase. I feel like a junkie trying to talk myself out of taking one last hit before I start rehab. It wasn't like this pre-op. I will literally need something from the store but, I won't go b/c I'm having a weak moment and know I'll purchase something I don't need. I think it's more of a struggle now b/c I'm at my desired goal clothes-wise. 4's fit better than 6's and I exercise consistently, at least 5x/wk, every week. I find myself justifying it, saying it's just a lil' snack, you'll burn it off. It's only justified every once in a while, not everyday like I have been.

Also, contributing to this is I have some open-questions that need to be addressed in my personal life and I don't know which way to turn. I find myself having anxiety issues b/c I'm in such a state of uncertainty that I find myself so scared to make the wrong decision that I'm just stagnant to the point of not doing anything. which further frustates me.  But, it's final answer time, so we'll see how these anxiety induced snacking sessions goes, once some things are done away with. Another good thing is that consistently warm-weather is right around the corner and I'll get more active outdoors again, take away some of the idle time I sit around worrying and comtemplating.