Well, Here I Go Again! 9/22

Sep 22, 2009

So instead of post my feelings on the MD board I decided to just blog about it instead.  I would really hate for them to think I'm the downer of the group being negative all the time when they are all so positive.

At any rate I'm 11 days out from surgery and just overall kind of melancholy. First I have to start off and admit that I now feel like completely and totally rushed my surgery 100%. I did not give myself any time to prepare and besides pre-surgey stuff mentally prepare for life after. After having pursued RNY 8 years ago the second I found out my insurance now covered WLS I was on board with the band and never considered anything else.  In my head I was like well Bypass is so drastic and I've had friends with issues yayaya, and I know with the band they don't remove anything or move things around blah blah so yeah I'm just going with that!  Having been under more than I can count programs, I already had the documentation needed by insurance.  From the time I went in for my consult until my surgery was only 70 days - a little over 2 months and bam - superfast. Hit me like a bolt of lighting and well I was like shit this is my opportunity damn don't turn back now since you got screwed before! 

I never read anything but Lapband.com and of course they are going to promote their product. I only started reading on the Lap Band forum here when I was about 2.5 weeks away from surgery.  Well at that point I wasn't about to drop the ball and nothing was going to make me cancel having surgery, but I have had concerns and still do about the band working for me. 

The Lap Band Forum on OH has completely had me feeling negative about the band to the point I am already saying WTF if I need a revision down the line.  I've read horror stories after horror stores - regret after regret.  I just sit here and think if this doens't work for me, oh how I will be judged by people who know I did this thinking I would lose a large amount of weight.

There was one thing in particular I read online before even browsing OH - Lap Band Forum. I read a comparison chart for the surgeries on this site http://www.lapsf.com/weight-loss-surgeries.html

The bullet points I read that made me go  were
*Requires the most effort of all procedures to be successful.
*Slow weight loss
*Best for patients who enjoy participating in an exercise program and are more disciplined in following dietary restrictions.

WELL - none of that describes me!  Nor did I hear about any of that BEFORE I scheduled my surgery.  I have put alot of effort and a ton of money into weight loss in the past and I succeeded for a short time and failed doubly! Most of all with surgery, I need something that is going to WORK! Every bad band story I hear about removals several years out and not losing etc makes me feel like maybe I did make the wrong decision.  I am not a lighweight in WLS terms.  I have way more than 100lbs to lose.  The whole thing is exhausting and to even think it won't work is even more devistating. 

I worry when I see people saying I can't believe Dr.'s are still doing bands and anyone with more than 100lbs to lose should not get a band and so on and so on.  My head is fried from reading but the worst part is I am reading real life experiences who went through something that could be in my future. 

No one has to tell me twice that my thoughts should be somewhere else, I know this! But as I follow my rules daily and cringe everytime I see a food commerical,  there I am making sure I get my fluids and protein in for the day not even attempting to just see what might happen if I eat something. The way people describe a slip is my worst fear along with losing the band and regaining any weight I lost.  These don't seem to happen early on but years from now.

Actually right now my emotions are ridiculous.  I want to try to make this work for me but I want to be realistic too.  Honestly had I read the Lap Band Forum before deciding, I probably would have gone with RNY or VSG and walked away from the band instantly.  That alone scares the crap out of me that my overzealous personality took a leep at something major and damn pray that I didn't get myself into a major F-up!  

Regardless of that, above what my ins pays, my surgery has cost me quite a bit of money! 

I wish I truly knew what my problem was. I am constantly up and down all the while being medicated for this very reason and even more so to cope with surgery - imagine that!   But I can say alot of it has to do with the fact that I am hungry or feel empty most of the time and I'm having food withdrawl!  

The psych at the practice really knows her stuff and if I could muster up $150.00 for a session i'd go see her because we'd focus on food entirely but I simply can't afford it.

Today is my first day back to work and maybe my head is just in 9 million places which is why I feel this way.  I did something yesterday that I am not too sure of AGAIN....and feel very eh about it to day (long story).  I hate how I get sucked into things that seem so fantastic for the moment.  Then I think about them later and want to kick myself.

I know I might appear to be beyond negative to some right now about this surgery.  Trust me, this is the only place I am venting and to my Mom of course.  I already wanted to scream coming back to work and people asking me how much weight I've lost. I just ignore it and tell them I am not getting on scale - which at home, I am really not! I really hope to start feeling more postive about my decisions.  Maybe when I can get off these liquids I will have an attitude change.  I'll see about that this weekend.  Also worried about gaining on food because I've been on liquids for 4 weeks and consuming 500-700 calories which is CRAZY low! I know I should feel different right now because some people can't even have WLS of any kind, but just as well I need to get used to all this.  So much change, so many emotions, so much thinking all at once.  Overwhelming! 

That's all for now as if it wasn't enough! 

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