Nikki C.
Everyday IS different! 10/14
Oct 14, 2009
Well it's not news that the past month has been stressful and emotional on me. The two main reasons are financial setbacks from out of pocket surgery costs and family/friends not being there for me or just not understanding or trying to comprehend what WLS is and why people choose it.
Last week I so struggled with food the end of the week...I was eating between like 1200-1400 calories. No restriction here as I'm not filled at all so it was all mental and self restriction. Now in the grand scheme of things 1400 calories is probably about half to a third of what I'd eat most days. Half the time my lunch was just that - sandwich, chips, and a cookie or something - yeah a whopping 1400 calories ads up quick especially when grab on the go.
My cravings are up and down. I did eat some salt and vinegar chips the other day...about a handful. They went down WAY easy and I didn't feel that bad. TOM was here last week so while it's no excuse, I was hungry all the way around - physically, emotionally, mentally. Halloween I will need to stay far and wide from stores that have candy on sale. I'm going to hibernate on Halloween night..if I buy candy to give out it could quite possibly all be gone before I get any trick or treaters. I just don't want to put myself through it and I won't! I just hope people don't start bringing racks of candy in at my job.
I'm kind of tired of eating the same stuff but I really haven't been in the mood to cook. I've been really wanting to go out to eat but just really am afraid to go. Emotionally I cannot handle any food outings anytime soon, including Thanksgiving. Perhaps I will feel different once I get a fill but not today.
Today I got stuck for the first time in while. I was eating a hardboiled egg for breakfast and once piece of the yolk I assume got stuck...WOW. It was so stuck that I don't think I could talk for a few minutes. I even took a sip of water and sat at my desk holding my chest. YIKES! After that I might avoid the yolk in boiled eggs unless I make egg salad and it's wet.
Regardless of surgery, this time of year I always get in my feelings about something. I love the fall weather and the scenery but I always feel lonely. I think I have been sadder than years past since now I don't have the food to rely for that feel good feeling. I am more anxious as I anticipate the holidays which have always been stressful, but again I won't have food to help me escape this year.
Lately I have been so regretful of a lot of life decisions I made. Including the surgery - not the surgery itself per se but the way I went about it. Since it was my second time around pursuing after being denied in 2001, this time I jumped in HEAD FIRST and was determined to have this time surgery ASAP. That is exactly what happened now it was like WOAH...WTF - no turning back now.
Needless to say I push everyday for "something" positive and I do take notice of the little things that cross my path. Unfortunately with all those little good notions come the bull. The good old saying have to take the good with the bad but damn truth be told I'm tired of it. I do my best to remove or avoid myself from people and situations that are taxing right now but some are just totally unavoidable.
My internal conflicts must be written all over the outside of me. I don't do my makeup like I used to, I have no energy even with the weight loss (I hate my CPAP). I'm just not "me". Little by little I'm trying to get back into things that make me who I am but when you are dirt poor it's hard. I'm kind of a maintenacy chick, hair, nails, toes this that and well when funds are low and you have to cut, that is the first thing that goes which is terrible for self image and esteem. I am so much more lively when I am put together, regardless of weight. But right now because of my financial setbacks, I am falling apart. I might be shrinking but I feel like I am withering...like a dead droopy flower that once was so pretty, perky and colorful...eh!
By no means do I want my melancholy attitude or behavior to have people think of me differently. So many people are just so happy after weight loss surgery and rightfully so we all should be but for some it takes more adjustment than others as well as many of our supports systems are different and that has a lot to do with how one feels daily. While I appreciate and love all the support and feedback from my online peeps, it’s not the same as an entire reality day to day. I don't have the opportunity to go home and have dinner with someone who is perfectly fine and on the bandwagon having a healthy portioned meal. I can't have dinner with friends and family and expect them to make it special for me or allow me to bring some recipes to the table for a nice WL friendly dinner! I get the...YOU CAN"T HAVE THAT! and then under the breath, but I can, CRAP! For me this is a major life change that in many regards is depressing all the while in the end rewarding.
I mean the way I am right now - weight wise...it's not like I could go out and find some health-nut boyfriend and have him take me under his wing. Plus I like guys who drink beer and eat pizza haha. I don't like skinny guys. I like a big strapping football player type man! Sometimes I think finding a dude who is/has gone through WLS would be ideal. At least we'd be on the same page. But seriously I am so anti- relationship until I get myself together that I don't want to be involved except for on my terms. Par for the course I have had a part timer for the past 3 years (don't even ask....another jacked up situation I have going on) but hey all about comfort and convenience. Imagine that!
I say to myself every day, no one really wants to deal with other peoples shit, so get yourself together before you open your mouth and stick your damn foot in it. I am totally an open person. 100% real, truth be told and tell it like it is. I'm a total extrovert and some people have issues with that. No modesty at all in my bones, and I'll give you answer to anything you ask me. It's no news I tend to be opinionated and voice it. Yes, a firecracker if you will...short fuse but I'm better than when I was in my early 20's. I still might make a face but I try and think first before just letting it all spill. So with that admission, I've been telling myself I should really refrain from some of my message board postings especially on days I feel like I woke up in a dumpster. People tend to go wild with their own perceptions and illusions of who someone really is without knowing a damn thing about them but surface material. So perhaps I should just shut up for awhile before people starting thinking i'm this real bitch, a pain in the ass or someone ready to slit their wrists (which let me clarify has never been even contemplated. My family cannot afford to bury me in my pink rhinestone encrusted casket!) So until I get on the good foot and stay there; no need to have people feeling like they need wallow with me right? Which means you all might not be hearing from me until after tax time and Uncle Sam gives me some of my damn money back!
Whew! that was a lot for one blog...what's for lunch?!?!?
