Long Overdue Blog...RANT RANT RANT 1/6/10

Jan 05, 2010

Well I haven't blooged about my WLS in a log time but here goes by bullet point mind you. I am in such a mood today I am not sure if I want to scream, cry, kick something, go to bed, drink or EAT! 

My discussion post have reflected whats been going on with me but in a nutshell I am just kinda miserable right now.

*hate the holidays badly - rather not go into major discussion but they are just never warm and cushy like peoples around me seem to be. 

*have been dealing with the so called gall bladder issues and trips to the ER and more and more Dr. visits.  Just have not been 100%

*Of course food got me through the holidays and while I could never do as much damage before I certainly went overboard on carbs and sugar.  I have gained maybe 3-5lbs since my last visit with my band Dr. at the end of November.  So the entire month of December went down the shitter with no progress and mild.minimal regress.  cookies and candy galore....and that is pretty much all i ate for a month...didn't care about protein or fluids and probably didn't touch a vegetable.  YES  I suck and here I go already sabatoging myself which again was one of my fears with the band.  I got in the mode well I lost alot of weight quickly I am ahead of the game so who cares about Christmas eat all the cookies and chocolate in sight.  WTF is wrong with me...WHAT GAME..  I'm the only player in my damn weight loss so I'm not ahead of shit. I am so pissed off! 

*I never feel good or happy ever!  I am always tired and stressed about something.  Work, money, my piece of crap house, the extent I go to with my rescue stuff, and my shitty shitty no more friends.  While I have met new and good people I just havent gotten to a point with them that I feel like I can ask them for help or depend on them...I hate depending on anyone for shit.  I have this attitude anymore that if I can't do it myself it just doenst get done.  Yes I am hating the world right now.

*had my EGD and my HIDA Scan last week - BOTH NORMAL so with those being said regardless of two trips to the ER with them thinking it's gall bladder nothing is proven so they right now they won't take it out.   I have to go get  base line blood CBC and then I have to get another after ANOTHER attack so I whatever is going on I will probably end up in the ER at some point AGAIN - probably when my weightloss resumes if and when that ever happens.

*Ok and I am starving.  I wake up hungry all the time.  I NEED A FILL but have to wait until 1/18.  Only 12 more days to try and keep myself together.  I've been sitting at my desk at work thinking about going down stairs and buying chocolate.

*I'm back in my funk and yes there are underlying issues.  I have some major life problems not including weight loss that I am dealing with and it just sucks - plain and simple. I somewhat isolate myself and try to just work through those things by myself but being alone alot just puts more emphasis on things.

*I realize I can only do one thing at a time and other things take time and I do my best not stress on everything but sometimes not stressing or being neurotic about something makes me go in the opposite direction...i.e. the weight loss and the past months behavior with eating junk food and sliders.

* let's finally add that I started off 2010 with my period which is making me miserable and the damn wind and cold I managed to get my first cold sore of 2010 ALREADY!  When I get a cold sore, I am the worst mood ever.  They are ugly, they hurt, they take at least a week out of my life of ritual behaviors by washing hands and not touching my mouth so I don't spread it etc.  And not to mention walking around looking like someone punch you in the mouth or like you have the plague on your face.  I'm sure most people who get cold sores are not as nuts as I am about them but I honestly have these bitches since I was 2 god damn years old thanks so some lovely family member who had them and decided to kiss a baby with a fucked up sore on their lip.  Damn to hell do I hate cold sores and stress and wind and this and that always causes and outbreak.


Ok thats enough. I am outright miserable today.  Maybe I can end the day with another trip to the ER so that I can find out what the hell is really wrong with me when I am doubled over in pain on the floor in the fetal position and can't breathe.

Times like this and in this mood I would eat, eat and eat more!  SO MUCH FOR THAT even though I know I could go attack some sliders. I will just stay at my desk with my protein juice and hate life today. 

Hmmm is tomorrow here yet?

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