Add On To Yesterdays Blog! Well Here I Go Again 9/22

Sep 23, 2009

So last evening I sent two very similar emails to 2 friends on OH regarding their replies to my blog "Well Here I Go Again"

I thought that the content of the emails would be a good addition to my blog for a little more justification on my "journey"  and clarification on my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

So Here Goes Again (from last night)....

I hope in few months I can start my little scale victory dance but just so much going on.

Maybe this will change when I am on pureed but right now I feel sick to think about another shake and now after an entire week of protein chicken soup that too is making me nauseous.  I have 3 more days.  I'm hungry but not all the time.  I just had a glass of skim milk and seem to not be ravenous. 

Perhaps I am just worn out as nothing is coming easy - not even the choice of what to have to "drink".  I feel like Im doing too much/trying too hard.  But that is just me. Everything I do I go hard but yet im so bull headed.  I cannot continue to think the band won't work for me but call me skeptical as I've spent thousands already on WL stuff and what's another 10K when Im done paying my band bills. I think I need to stop reading the Lap Band forum for a while. I know people have had success with it while others have not.  Same goes for RNY etc. Again I just hope I picked the right one.  8 years ago it was a no brainer - I was whole heartedly into Bypass and they even did it OPEN then...geez! 

I wish I could get some relax time.  Get a massage or something comforting. But I am so poor (from surgery and my house) that my parents had to buck up for me while they were here for surgery and buy a few things I really needed which did nothing for my pride whatsoever. If you haven't made the inference I am a very high strung person -  For as hyper as I am i should weigh 110 but I haven't see that number since I am about 9 or 10 years old.

I realize I have to give myself time but time is all I've got.  So hard to be alone all the time with no distractions.  Certainly puts the mind on overlaod. I have a "man friend" that is super supportive but he is only part time in my life.  Good and bad things about that arrangement. I dont have an every day companion or neighbor or someone to just talk to in general. I have other stress factors as well including my job which we'll just say I put in my time and get a paycheck.  Sucks!  I'm the type of person that needs self assuring fullfillment and I don't have that in my everyday work that is.  Just not the right time to get a new well paying job no thanks to the economy.

I do have a lot of issues.  I have been in therapy for years for many different reasons. And I will continue to go.  I just would like to get this new life off with a bang which includes weight loss of course first and foremost, then meeting new friends which I pretty much have very little of as Ive mentioned in my posts again for varying degrees like the surgery, men, kids, the fact the ive moved 20 minutes further away or my friends are now distant having moved away.  It's just a lot of things to tackle at once.  I feel like If I didn't have my animals I'd be in bed around the clock while I was at home.  Sort of helps supress things.  I'm trying to get involved in things but again taking on more is just another tick on the tired clock! Im infamous for overdoing it and now is one of those times.

Maybe I am guilty after the gaining and losing and gaining and losing all these years of wanting a quicker fix for things. Hopefully I can look back in 3 months , 6 months and see a difference that is just not just merely minimal. For me to even start feeling normal I need to get off about another 50lbs. (then I will be at where I was 3 years ago - feeling great, lively and confident)  I'll probably be kicking and screaming until I get to that point!

Well I really do hope tomorrow is better.  I need to get better rest too to help with my healing and overall health.  This sleep apnea is for the birds and my machine sucks so I end up with it off everynight.  Discussions about this Thurs with my sleep doctor. 

One thing after another.  So tired. Really just want a night of no thinking! 

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