Penguinschick
GOOD NEWS!!!!
Oct 16, 2009
So Tuesday I went to the doctor's for my monthly check up. I was sort of nervous because of the 2 pounds I had gained the previous month. I had been working really hard on not binging, dragging myself to the gym and overall just doing better. When I stepped on the scale, I felt so vindicated! Not only did I lose that 2 pounds I had gained, I lost another ten on top of that!! My doctor said I had made her day! I was happy, because 10 pounds was my goal, though I'm still not sure if I can say I lost 12 or 10, I don't know whether to count the two I gained and lost. Either way, I hit my goal. And to motivate myself, I had thought of things I could reward myself with if I lost 10 pounds last month. I had pretty much settled on a spa day, though I don't know if that's a good one or not because I don't know if 10 pounds is worth such a reward. I guess I could say that because now I'm more motivated than ever and never thought I could do it, I should have a big reward now and then just make the next one after a bigger loss, cause I'm working up to it.
As I get closer and into the second half of my six months, I'm starting to wonder where the time went. I still need to schedule an appointment to get my upper GI tract checked, and to have a psychologist's evaluation. I can't believe its already the middle of October! Currently I'm on a week's vacation and clearing my head while visiting friends in Virginia. It feels good to not worry about what day it is or watch the clock all day or even have anywhere to be.
I have been however, having weird thoughts. Thoughts like, where is my life going to be in a year? I feel like I want to put my life on hold till I'm at a healthy weight. I guess what's weird about me or my situation is that I'm not completely unhappy. I'm so lucky, unlike many men and women of my size, that I have a social life and great friends and I'm always on the go. Yes, there are things I don't do or things that are very uncomfortable for me because of my weight. But my life is nowhere near on hold because of it. And I just want feel like nothing is going to change while I'm going through this transformation, because I want to enjoy everything I enjoy now at a healthy weight. I want the same people to be in my life, I want everything to be the same. But another six months, a year, 2 years, that is a long, long time. And then I think about how if I'd just taken control of my life when I was 22 or even 24, how far along I'd be now. I could be at my goal weight now, instead of fighting for 10 more pounds and praying I prove to my insurance company that I should get this surgery. I could kick myself.
I'm still really happy though, I told my best friend a few weeks ago, that I really have felt myself changing throughout this journey. It's taken me many years and failures and doing things the wrong way.I could beat myself up about the years or failure, or I can do what I've been doing for the past few months and choose not to care about the past and get things done now. So that's what I'm going to do.
