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Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and on Friday, I will turn 27. I'm very excited to bring this year to a close. Sometimes it hurts me to think that I've wasted a lot of years, but it makes me so proud to know that I finally, finally, finally made the changes in my life that I've always wanted to. I've done so much this year that I've gone too far to turn back to the old me, and that makes me very happy. I started the year with the glass half empty, and I had a lot of ups and downs, but now I'm leaving this year with the glass half full and so looking forward to the next year and can't wait to keep going. One thing that I'm going to ask God for this year is the strength to deal with set backs. Which makes me sort of chuckle. I saw "Evan Almighty" for the first time last week, and at one point, God's character says to Evan's wife,

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does He give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does He give them opportunities to love each other?"


I'm not particularly religious. I'm a former Catholic who is starting to dabble in Presbyterianism. But I do see myself as a spiritual christian, and I do feel I have a relationship with God. This thought really awakened my senses and helped me see that God is giving me opportunities to improve myself all the time. I've just been so single minded that I've been missing them. So this year, I want to remember to give myself some pause to recognize things not as setbacks or roadblocks or disappointments, but as opportunities that God has provided for me to make myself just a little bit better. Putting this into practice will help me, help others and improve all aspects of my life.

I told myself a few weeks ago, "no resolutions, just change". But now I am allowing myself this one resolution, to turn each situation into an opportunity.

Well I had my fifth visit with my primary care physician's office. I lost another three pounds, bringing my total lost to 14 pounds. Ever since that visit I've felt a little bit better, to know I'm still losing and I want to make a good push for last visit. We scheduled it for January 22.

I also plan on going to my surgeon's support group this month. I've heard its a good idea to attend one prior to having the procedure, and I'd really like to make some new connections with people in my area who have had wls. I'm lucky that I have a couple friends who had it done with the same surgeon already, but I hate to always bother them with my questions. Going to the support group is really going to help me hear other people's stories, learn about their concerns and experiences so I can apply them to my own.

As this year draws to a close, I wonder where life will bring me by next Christmas. What weight I will be at, where I'll be at in my career, where I'll be in my personal life, etc. A lot is going to change for me in 2010. I'll get my master's, I'll have wls, I'll be making a lot of choices, big and small. It seems odd to me not to have a plan,  but it's a lot to entertain at once. My goals for the next year right now are just to be the healthiest, happiest me I can be.

A few months ago, I told my cousin that someday we all grow up and what we end up doing is simply something we fall into. I'm not sure I believe that any more. All my life I've given myself reasons why I couldnt. Chosen this or that because I felt inadequate for what I really wanted. Don't get me wrong: I've had an amazing life. And I've done so many wonderful things that I wouldnt' trade for anything, not even being thin. And I've always been myself and never compromised my integrity. I have no regrets. But it's time to stop making my choices based on what I thought was safe. Based on what was "acceptable" or "good" for the "fat me". The fat me is dead. There's just me. I only have one life and wls is going to prevent me from wasting any more time being unhealthy, and I'm going to see that I don't waste any time doing anything other that what I want and deserve.

Well I’m almost there; I’ve almost completed my six month pre-op process. I’ve seen a nutritionist, a psychologist, I’ve had my upper GI tract checked and I’ve met with my doctor monthly 4 times now. I will be meeting with my PCP again next Tuesday at which we will schedule my last monthly visit and go over the letter of medical necessity and everything else my surgeon will need from them to submit to my insurance. These past few months seem to have gone by with warp speed! Each thing I've accomplished has left me feeling excited!

Yet with the reality of surgery actually happening, I’m starting to get scared. I’m so scared that my insurance will deny me based on the fact that I haven’t lost enough weight these past months. I got off to a slow start, and then I dropped 12 pounds, now I’m plateau-ing again. I know I could have done more, so I’m not blaming anyone else or my body or anything. I’m just trying really hard now to catch up for those months I lost nothing or gained a few pounds and it’s sinking in that I should have done more and worked harder. Now because I let stress and my own weaknesses get the best of me, I didn’t lose like I wanted to. Like I should have.

I’m also afraid that once I heal and I’m able to eat solid foods again, I will start to cheat. I don’t want to cheat. I don’t intend to cheat. But I’m afraid it will happen. It may be hard to do it at first because of dumping and having a small pouch, I just don’t want to stretch it out and be fat again.

And then, because I have these fears, I think, if I tell anyone about these fears, they will say, “Stacy, you just aren’t ready for this then.” and/or “You shouldn’t be feeling this way.”  I’m even nervous blogging this here because I’m afraid I’ll be told I shouldn’t feel this way and that I should reconsider.

Because as scared as I am, I really want this surgery. I want be healthy. I want to have a long life and I want children and to watch them live their dreams. I want to go hiking in Colorado and I want to fly to Paris. I don’t want to develop diabetes and be insulin dependent. I don’t want to be the fattest person in the room anymore. I want to wear cute clothes. I just pray those goals are enough to prevent me from going backwards.

I used to LOVE Christmas. I always kind of hated NYE, I hate the pressure people put on the holiday, and I hate the crowds and clubs and obnoxious people. And my birthday is on New Year's Day, so that part always made it even worse. But Christmas, I really loved going all out. Buying the best present I could, decorations, music, parties, I loved it all. This year though, I feel like there's nothing to celebrate. I'm having a really rough time loving my job, my student loans are going into repayment, I live with my parents, dare I go on? I feel very guilty for being sad too, because I know I'm lucky to have supportive parents and friends, and I'm lucky to have a job and an education. Many, many people in America and throughout the world don't have that.

I just don't feel like there is anything to celebrate this year.

Am I thankful? Yes.

Am I joyful? No.

I'm too stressed to enjoy the little things right now. I'm stressed at work, I'm stressed with school (I now won't finish my master's till July, rather than May), I'm worried that I haven't lost enough weight on my diet, I'm worried about the economy and whether I'll be able to pay my student loans back, I'm just stressed about everything.

During my swim this morning I was thinking about how life would change when I’m “normal-sized” and how I don’t want to lose sight of the health and happiness I’m pursuing once I get to my goal weight. This is a lifestyle change and it’s more than just working out and eating right. I’m changing so much of myself for the better.  So I decided to make a personal 10 Commandments to follow.  These are in no particular order and they may change, but for right now, this covers most of it.

 

1.)    I will ride every ride at the amusement park that I want, even if my friends hate me for it.

2.)    I won’t hesitate to hop on a plane.

3.)    I will stop refusing to walk into crowded places first.

4.)    I will learn how to take compliment, or at least just say “thank you” and move on without making a big deal about it or insulting myself.

5.)    I will NOT give in to the temptation to get higher than C-cup implants if I need/decide to get breast implants

6.)    I will not flash said breasts or start doing trashy things of any kind for attention

7.)    I will take care of my skin, I will use sun block and lotion, get facials and exfoliant treatments

8.)    I’m a great singer, and I WILL get up there and do karaoke when I feel like it.

9.)    I will follow up with my health and do my annual checkups with my PCP, OB/GYN, surgeon, dentist and eye doctor.

10.) I will NOT settle.  I will meet a fantastic man and I will have a home, children AND a career. I'm far too educated, smart, and ambitious to settle for anything less than a fabulous life.

So tonight I saw and advertisement on television for chocolate truffles. Now, chocolate was never one of my biggest weaknesses, but I do have a horrible sweet tooth, and on occassion, I used to go out buy a bag of those truffles and eat them all. When that ad came on, my first reaction was, "wow that looks good, I miss those. I wish I had those. I wonder what's in the kitchen...", and immediately after that, " I remember that those weren't thaaat good. Nothing is ever as good as it looks. Why do I want that? Am I even hungry?"

And then came the new realization of how much ate just to eat. I wasn't hungry, I didn't need, or even want those foods. For example, let's take my biggest weakness: Ice Cream. I always loved ice cream, the many different flavors and variations, the different ways it could be served, the creaminess. I used to eat it by the pint, sometimes more than once a week. I'm very happy to report that in the past month, I've eaton ice cream on only two occassions, and one of those being by pure accident when I agreed to split a dessert and my friend ordered gelato, I said "okay" not even thinking about it.  The other time being stopping for ice cream with friends. Otherwise I have not purchased it, brought it home or eaten it at all.

It started as a bet between my boss and I, she gave up chips and for soldarity I gave up ice cream. Our agreement was two weeks, but as time went on, we kept going. And I don't even miss it, tonight I realized that I miss the action of sitting on my ass and gorging myself on whatever it was I had a craving for or whatever was close at hand. Now that I know that I engaged in that behavior, I have to figure out why.

So today everyone at work wanted to try McDonald's new Pumpkin milkshake. I budgeted it into my calories so I wouldn't be cheating. Well it turns out, they were not that tasty and I ended up pouring it down the drain instead of eating it anyway!! I was so excited to re-adjust my log and add a different, healthy snack for later! Go me!

So Tuesday I went to the doctor's for my monthly check up. I was sort of nervous because of the 2 pounds I had gained the previous month. I had been working really hard on not binging, dragging myself to the gym and overall just doing better. When I stepped on the scale, I felt so vindicated! Not only did I lose that 2 pounds I had gained, I lost another ten on top of that!! My doctor said I had made her day! I was happy, because 10 pounds was my goal, though I'm still not sure if I can say I lost 12 or 10, I don't know whether to count the two I gained and lost. Either way, I hit my goal. And to motivate myself, I had thought of things I could reward myself with if I lost 10 pounds last month. I had pretty much settled on a spa day, though I don't know if that's a good one or not because I don't know if 10 pounds is worth such a reward. I guess I could say that because now I'm more motivated than ever and never thought I could do it, I should have a big reward now and then just make the next one after a bigger loss, cause I'm working up to it.

As I get closer and into the second half of my six months, I'm starting to wonder where the time went. I still need to schedule an appointment to get my upper GI tract checked, and to have a psychologist's evaluation. I can't believe its already the middle of October! Currently I'm on a week's vacation and clearing my head while visiting friends in Virginia. It feels good to not worry about what day it is or watch the clock all day or even have anywhere to be.

I have been however, having weird thoughts. Thoughts like, where is my life going to be in a year? I feel like I want to put my life on hold till I'm at a healthy weight. I guess what's weird about me or my situation is that I'm not completely unhappy. I'm so lucky, unlike many men and women of my size, that I have a social life and great friends and I'm always on the go. Yes, there are things I don't do or things that are very uncomfortable for me because of my weight. But my life is nowhere near on hold because of it. And I just want feel like nothing is going to change while I'm going through this transformation, because I want to enjoy everything I enjoy now at a healthy weight. I want the same people to be in my life, I want everything to be the same. But another six months, a year, 2 years, that is a long, long time. And then I think about how if I'd just taken control of my life when I was 22 or even 24, how far along I'd be now. I could be at my goal weight now, instead of fighting for 10 more pounds and praying I prove to my insurance company that I should get this surgery. I could kick myself.

I'm still really happy though, I told my best friend a few weeks ago, that I really have felt myself changing throughout this journey. It's taken me many years and failures and doing things the wrong way.I could beat myself up about the years or failure, or I can do what I've been doing for the past few months and choose not to care about the past and get things done now. So that's what I'm going to do.

2 pounds. I gained two pounds between August and September. I could say it's water weight or whatever, but you know what, whether it was or wasn't, I was just so pissed at myself. Since then I've shaped up a lot, definitely cut back on the eating and this week I've been to the gym both Monday and today. I'm planning on it tomorrow too.

Personally, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. This week anyway. But other people are really starting to get to me. My mom in particular. Today on the phone she was going over what we could eat for dinner, and she was concerned about what I was going to eat besides chicken. That's perfectly fine. I really appreciate her taking the time and consideration. I said something to the effect of "Oh, I'll just eat the chicken with some brussels sproats and soup." And she responded with "Really? You're going to eat ALL that?", as if I said I was planning on eating 3 large pizzas with extra cheese.

Then tonight at dinner, my dad actually asked me if I was "could" (as in, was I  "allowed" to) eat peanut butter when my mom mentioned to me that she had bought some. Later in the meal, I simply asked to have a half of a baked potato and she made a comment about it. She did this not more than an hour after she told me about the chips and macaroni and cheese she just ate.

I just feel like every choice I'm making is being dissected. If it's not to many carbs, its too much salt, too much fat, too much sugar. Everyone has an opinion what I'm putting in MY body. Guess what people, there is no magic food! You have proteins, carbs and fats. The key is balancing them and burning more calories than you take in!

While my family is eating in excess of 700 calories a meal at some meals, I'm so digusted with their comments and judgements (not to mention their eating habits), I'm barely breaking 1000 calories a day. I know my body needs more than that, especially when I'm burning so many calories at the gym, but I can't stand the scrutiny.  It makes me feel hopeless and helpless. I don't know how else to describe it. Almost as if I want to cry because I don't know what else to do.

Sorry that I haven’t updated lately, things have been so crazy, but that is what the summer is, jam packed with everything to do. I met with my PCP and it really, really discouraged me. Let me share a little bit about my experiences with doctors over the years.

My pediatrician once turned off the lights and had me count to three when she administered a shot. The result was me being terrified of needles for the next 15 to 20 years. I mean it was on a phobia level of fear. Then as I got a little older and my “baby” fat wasn’t going away, she wanted to send me to fat camp. So then, as my parents continued on with their bad eating habits, they began to criticize me for my weight. How do you, the person who controls what a child puts in their mouth, then turn around and blame that child for being fat and not eating the right foods? I hated that I disappointed them. To this day, I sometimes wonder if I’m a disappointment because I’m fat. I love my parents and they did so many things right. And I know the root of the criticism and comments was just their concern and love for me. This was just something that I wish we could go back and redo. I don’t blame them at all for my weight or current lifestyle. I am an adult and only I make my choices, my parents have no bearing on what I eat or don’t eat at this point. All of that is just the past and I can’t do anything about it.

I think by my teens, my parents (and maybe me too) resigned themselves to the idea that I would forever be fat. I stopped going to my pediatrician because I couldn’t take it anymore. When I was 13 or 14, she sent me to see a specialist because she said I had high blood pressure. When I went, it was fine. I realized my doctor made my blood pressure skyrocket because a visit to her was like running the gauntlet. Between needles and fat camps and my parents yelling at me as the numbers on the scale went up, I was only going to the doctor if I was dying of sickness as it was. It was enough to give a thinner person a heart attack. Just a side note, I’ve never had a problem with my blood pressure since. It’s always been low to normal.  So I stopped going to her, and went to the elderly doctor who had been my father’s doctor his whole life. He was amazing. Never judged, checked whatever it was that was bothering me, whether it was my throat or ears or whatever. He gave me a prescription for medicine and excuse for school and I went on my merry way. Sure, we all knew I was fat, and some might say he was wrong not to encourage me to loose weight, but I personally appreciated (and still appreciate) how he never made it an issue or the reason why I was ill like most doctors do with their overweight patients.

Then when he died, we had to look for a new family doctor. I was maybe 18 or 19 when this happened, and this is my current doctor. He and my dad kind of knew each other and my dad heard he was a great doctor so we became new patients. So while I still was only going to the doctor when I could not avoid it, I’ve been going to him the better part of a decade. When I saw him last week, it was as if I was a stranger. He asked me about my family’s medical history, my medical history etc. And though we’ve been talking about weight loss surgery since I was 20, I did not get the reaction I expected. Which is strange, because he was the one who had been urging me to think about the surgery, and he actually gave me a Hope Bariatrics (my wls clinic) pamphlet when I was in his office last.

 

It just seemed that during our meeting last week, he was saying, “look, you’re definitely fat enough, but you better try on your diet and you know you have to stick with it before and after the surgery. And hey, look at the biggest loser, you may not even want the surgery after 6 months of diet and exercise, maybe you’ll go it alone. Cuz you know, surgery is drastic”. It’s not that anything he said was THAT out of line, but I was confused and put off because we’ve already had that conversation and he should have known how much I wrestled for years with this decision and losing weight by other means. I guess I should be glad that he thinks I’m a good candidate and that he wasn’t saying no, but I was just upset that he didn’t remember or care about past appointments, his own recommendations, etc.

So here I am, and I should be really starting my diet and going to the gym, but I just feel so defeated. For every 10 people that have been encouraging, there has been maybe one person who I don’t find encouraging, and those one or two people are killing me. It’s like I feel that deep down inside, those few are right. I’m weak and lazy and will never be able to see this through. I feel as if I’ve done everything for this surgery but realize that being a healthy weight will never be a reality for me. I know I shouldn’t give up, but I have this demon on my shoulder telling me that I might as well not waste my time because I don’t have what it takes. And I’d do almost anything to avoid facing that failure, even if it means compromising my health and my future.