sallyj

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Times are stressful and my eating shows it.  Turns out I am an anxious eater.  Since November the low grade stress has lead to lots of munchies.  I've put on about 20 pounds so am back to tracking my eating.  I find that is a good strategy for me.

I spent a few days in Detroit, Chicago, and Toledo and eat too much, but in good company and at good restaurants.  I figure this is the way to go -- enjoy special trips then return to paying attention.  

My other strategy is to have projects to work on--some simple little things but others more substantial.  I'm starting a new sewing class in April and have a few small items to finish.  And having some embroidery handwork helps as I don't want to stop nor do I want messy (ie food) fingers!

I do wish I enjoyed exercising as it really is missing from my routine.  Maybe when I retire?  

I'm in the last week of my time in Italy. It has been a wonderful experience and given me a lot to think about.  I am always soothed and gladdened by the scenery even when just riding up the hill on a bus.  There are plenty of towns that are not particularly petty—some that are mostly apartment loaded bedroom communities—but the old hill towns are just what one imagines from old travel posters.  And I love the regular ringing of the church bells. 

But this trip has given me a lot to think about.  It was long enough that while there is are never ending things to see and do, I also had time to just settle in with a daily work life (even if that was nine hours different!).  I had to take the bus to town to do any shopping or errands beyond what Cortona offered; I had to deal with trains—late ones and strikes; I had to deal with not having easy access to items (replacing a broken lamp shade took multiple trips and weeks); and then the general not knowing—holidays, store hours, different trash pick-ups, etc.  Many of the issues were just inconveniences that took time or would be resolved if I had a car and/or more money.  But life is filled with inconveniences, so are they enough to change my retirement plans?

I have to admit, I think some of them could, especially as I get older.  Do I want to be fighting the train schedule in winter when I’m 80?  Or the small hot water heater?  Or having to dry my laundry in the house? Many apartments here don’t have clothes dryers. 

I know the additional walking is good for me, and I do enjoy it here, but my feet do hurt.  And walking a lot isn’t an option is the old city centers—cars just can’t get everywhere, and parking is extremely limited. 

But the real dealbreaker is a dog.  I cannot see not having a dog again, and I also cannot see traveling with a dog.  I love big dogs, and I would not have a dog spend 36 hours in a crate to fly.  Whenever I see a dog here (and they are very dog friendly here), I smile.  They bring me joy in the same way the scenery brings me peace.  I am just a person who needs a dog.  It’s just that simple. 

So, what does that all add up to?  Probably not retiring to Italy.  But repeatedly visiting.  I don’t have to make any decision now, and I have the bank account here if I need to rent a place. 

It has been a good adventure; one I could not have ever done at 400 lbs.  I am so fortunate to have options, and while I wish no one was ever shamed or limited by one’s body, I know the physical pain I was in, and the difficulty a body of that size has in navigating travel.

Had a great weekend in Florerence, but wore out my feet!  Tons of walking and massive flights of stairs.  The number of stairs to get to the next floor is double in some of these old palaces.  So for every floor, you are really going up two flights worth of stairs.  

There is so much to do and everything is really near each other, and everyone is walking, so it is just easier to walk for 20 minutes than to try to do a taxi or bus.  But by the end of the day, you've been on your feet for six hours! I had some wonderful meals but find I just can't eat as much pasta as they serve.  I wish I could say the same for the pastries!  But then I do more walking.  I find the gelato is too rich for me, which is probably a good thing.  But as it is winter, I wouldn't be eating many cold things anyway. I do find they don't serve things as hot as I would like--but I guess that's in part because I am always cold.

I still have a lot of feet pain, but I am able to get around and up the stairs and fit into the tiny bathrooms (I've never seen such creative bathroom solutions for buildings built long before there was indoor plumbing!), and this is due to the RNY.  I don't think Americans really think about how most of the world really is built for smaller people.  While I did see some larger bodies in Florence, and not all American, there really weren't that many.  Is that because larger people don't feel comfortable traveling?  I wouldn't want that.  But I also don't know how some of these places could accomodate.  Even the door to the place I'm renting is really only a half door--it is split down the middle and one side is kept bolted.  I read about a type of door called the "death door"--a second door that was built because the main door was too narrow to get the coffin out.  And if they had to build a second door for that, you know the doors are too narrow!

I guess all of this to say I am glad I made the decision to do the gastric bypass.  It has allowed my life to enlarge after continually shinking for many years.  I still have my share of aches and pains, but they are not so sever that I fear I'll never get out of the bed.  But I'm still not going to climb to the top of the dome of the Duomo!

Two weeks into my time in Cortona, Italy.  My goal was to move away from the tourist mentality to a "what is it like to live here" one, but it has been a continuum shall we say.  There is so much to see and do here that the tourist side keeps coming out.  And my friends were here for part of that time, so that led to more eating out (all of which has been stunning) and day trips. 

I have started doing regular things like getting an Italian cell phone number, buying some kitchen supplies, and tomorrow I will try to set up a bank account. I’ve mastered the little local bus that goes down to Camucia but haven’t taken the bus anywhere else.  I tend to go with the train.  I can understand it and when and how to get back here.  I don’t think I’m ready to be stranded in some tiny town because I missed the last bus!

One of the good things about where I am is that there is a lot of walking required—and up hill.  Have to work off those carbs.  But I am also trying to be conscious of serving sizes as well and NOT do the Italian cappuccino and pastry for breakfast each day.  I brought my French press and Spokane roasted coffee for my morning cup and save the treats for just that—occasional treats. With such good products and so many good restaurants, it is easy to just want to try everything.  I do find I still feel full pretty quickly, so that helps. 

The weather has been nice enough to allow for a good walk each day.  I know things will get colder and windy, so I even did the long, steep walk up the hill to the church up top.  It was a walk that I didn’t make all the way last trip.  But going slow, and generally steady, I made it this time.  I took advantage of the mosaic stations of the cross by Gino Severini for pauses! It wasn’t as bad as I remembered, but it isn’t something I would want to do every day.  Maybe I should—that would definitely get my cardio in.

Being here has helped my mental health – staying away from politics.  I have shut off all news, stopped listening to the political podcasts, etc.  I am retreating into my favorite poetry.  My retirement goal was to get rid of technology but I’m finding that is just not realistic.  I need it for banking, getting train tickets, finding things, staying in contact, etc.  Even radio doesn’t really exist except online. But books will remain.  And letters can still be sent.  So I will modify my goal to reducing online to being a tool not a space to reside.  This is really my only online presence—no Facebook or such.  And it is more for me than anything else. 

Having a wonderful time in Cortona trying to balance both the "regularly living" and "being a tourist."  It is difficult to get away from the tourist mode as there is so much to see and explore.  Churches and food seem to dominate!  With the mouth issues, I can't take advantage of the great wines, but I am getting some taste back so am enjoying the foods.  It is odd that there is more wonderful food that I want to try than I can actually consume!  I try to buy just a day or two's worth, but there is always something new to try.  I am just around the corner from a shop that makes fresh pasta and a few reheat ready dishes like lasagna or stuffed zuchini.  Both of which I tried   This week I'm going with the Tuscan version of pork and beans.  I made a white bean soup the first few days I was here and added their pesto to it.  But what used to serve me just 4 meals, now serves me 8 so I have a lot of reheats.  

I make sure each day I spend time walking around exploring, so I am getting in the exercise.  And I was pleasantly surprised that I made it up the hill without too much trouble.  Had to do some stops along the way--took advantage of the stations of the cross mosaics by the Severini--but did make it without feeling like I would pass out!  Maybe that should be my weekly goal as long as the weather holds out.  I didn't make it up to the Etruscan fortress as that is an even steeper climb.  

One of my goals in general, not just in Italy, is to be less online.  I really don't think of myself as a big online person--this is my only regular "social media" site--but I am surprised how much I need the internet for getting things done.  For banking, train tickets, directions, finding places, etc.  And even for what would be the equivelant of the radio.  I listen to podcasts

I didn't realize how long it has been since I posted!  Time does get away from me.

I've been dealing with the ongoing auto-immune issues.  Good news is that the burning tongue is improving, slowly, but improving.  The pain has gone and most of the numbness.  The taste is improving but still a long way to go.  The bad news is there is now an issue with my esophogus, so I need to take Prilosec for a bit to get it under control.  I had developed problems with swallowing pills--not a good thing when one needs to take six horse pills of calcium a day!  But it is also improving and will be, yet again, just one more thing to manage.  But after three rounds of bloodwork, there is still nothing there to indicate a cause.  Would be nice to know "this causes that so stop this," but it just isn't going to happen.

Over the year I have regained a bit of weight--trying to find something that is satifying when taste and moisture is missing isn't easy.  Unfortunately, I could still taste sweet , not what this sweet tooth needs!  And I can't fall back on my spices to flavor things as they irritate my mouth.  

But I have found the perfect solution--go to a hill town in Italy!  I'm in Cortona for about ten weeks.  And walking everywhere and up hills definitely gets the exercise in.  Even with the carb focused diet here, I do seem to lose weight.  I haven't tried the really steep walk up to the top, but that is my goal before I leave. 

Learned something new about the impact of bariatric surgery--low heart rate!  Had a colonoscopy (the joys of getting older) and had a resting heart rate of only 40 (normal range is 60 to 100).  I've known I have low blood pressure for some time and have had issues with coming out of anesthesia slowly.  But as I do, I had to go to the internet before I reached out to my doctor to see if this was a problem.  Turns out, lower heart rate is a known consequence of bariatric surgery.  Turns out that the heart strengthens to handle the excess weight, so when the weight is gone, the heart doesn't have to work so hard.  So unless there are symptoms such as lightheadedness, etc., all is fine. Good to know.

Happy New Year!

It has been, overall, a good year.  Two trips to Italy--spring and winter--, some extra money from consulting, some fun learning--sewing--, and most of the regained weight off.  But it has also had some challenges; changes in relationships, health/aging issues, lack of productivity.  And, of course, the American and world crises. 

But for the first time in a long time, I don't have a specific weight-focused New Year's resolution.  While I still have about 10 more pounds I'd like to lose so my pants fit, I'm at a point where the goal is more maintenance.  I do need to stay on top of things in order to not regain, but I am comfortable in general with how I feel and look.  And I will be honest, a lot of my motivation comes from how I look in clothes.  I do like nice clothes, and they simply don’t look the same on a larger scale.  I struggle in my thinking about that—I don’t think everyone should be thin, and I definitely believe large-sized people have a right to exist in the body they have (and that our culture in general does not support that), but I also know me.  I have more physical pain when I am larger, I don’t like the way I look, and I don’t feel as healthy mentally.  How much of this is due to cultural pressures, the way I was raised, etc., I don’t really know.  Would it be great if there weren’t cultural pressures to be thin, if the world built things for the real size of people rather than the “should be” size?  Yes.  Imagine airline seats for peoples’ real hip size!  And restaurant through which one could get walk without bumping into everyone else’s chair.  I learn so much listening to Aubry Gorden on the Maintenance Phase podcast about fat discrimination—and I want to be sensitive to that in my own thinking—but I also don’t want to be fat myself.  Another podcast I listen to, Pod Save America, has a year end review of their resolutions and new ones.  This year one of the guys, who has occasionally spoken about his weight issues, has been using one of the new weight-lose drugs.  He mentioned that this is the first year in which he also doesn’t have a weight related resolution and how good that feels.  Just to be in the world without that burden of self-consciousness.  He was never really large but also not “trim.”  It really resonated with me.  It is easy to forget, we are not unique in our processes!

So with the weight-focused resolutions off the table, what then?  I want to work on building community.  One of the reasons I am wanting to move to Italy is that I find it a more community-focused culture.  There is an openness to getting to know people, even on a casual level, but also on a we all help each other level.  I am not looking for a lot of “deep” friendships at my age, but a comfortable community in which I know people and am known.  I am trying to do that with the church I have started attending, but we are all on the senior side, shall we say.  But I am taking advantage of the opportunity to just hang out a bit with people and enjoy the hanging out itself.  Less focus on the quality of conversation and thought.  I could be quite critical when younger about how banal everyone seemed!

I also want to develop some resolutions about how I spend my time.  I waste a lot of time in the evenings.  So I am creating a vague plan for different nights of the week to be dedicated to things I want to do.  So one night will be for reading, one for sewing, one for jewelry-making, etc.  But not all nights will be “defined” and weekends will be free.  So some structure but not rigid. 

Well, enough for now.  Here's to a great new year for everyone.

Back from second trip to Italy.  Winter is a great time to go--even the "crowds" were small in Florence.  And the lights were just magical.  While I did travel to Ukraine while near my heaviest, I cannot imagine this trip at that size.  The walking would have been killer and all the stairs!  I can't even begin to think about it.  I would have missed so much just due to the pain.  I know there is a balance (and for each person it is different) between being accepting of one's physical shape and reality (I will never be 'thin') and the way our world works and the bodies it is built to accomodate.  The Tuscan area I have been in is very hilly and built for the generally overworked and under-nourished of medieval Italians.  I don't even like driving up some of the steep roads.  So know I reference the "Tuscan" diet--just walk up everything you eat.  I did eat more sweets than normal and less protein.  With my tasting issues, I wasn't really able to enjoy much else. 

I did lose a couple of pounds anyway over the two weeks, so I am about 8 pounds from my lowest post-surgery weight.  I'm at a good place about my weight, and am coming to acceptance about my shape--very heavy legs, droopy elbows, etc.--and am appreciating what I am able to do and figuring out ways to engage even when there are things I can't do.  Now I have to add in age!  I will be happy to play that card and take advantage of it where I can.  I've made it years past what I expected when I was young, so yeah me.

At 18 years post-surgery, I can only affirm that this has been the best thing I ever did for myself.  I wish there was less stigma around it and more insurance support for it.  It isn't a magic fix-all, but it is a medical treatment for a medical condition that also has behavioral contributors as well.  Like diabetes or high cholesterol. 

I need to give some thought to what my health focus will be for the coming year.  This year was to get my weight back down, so maybe 2024 will be more about getting strong.  I keep reading about the need for strength building as we age. 

I am now 18 years out from my RNY and am at my surgery goal weight.  Not quite at my goal weight--which is more about clothes size than weight, because I have clothes I want to fit more comfortably.  But I am comfortably hanging around this weight.  I did regain weight and have to lose it again, but I was able to in a way I never could prior to surgery.  The management of obesity as a disease continues

I have been dealing with "burning tongue syndrome" for a couple of months now and a gradual loss of taste.  Oddly enough, that makes me want to eat more, not less.  I keep trying to find something that will make me feel satisfied.  For a while I could taste strong salty or strong sweet, but now even that is mostly gone.  Fruit was one of the first things to go off--it literally tasted as if it were moldy.  Well, that and wine, which tasted hot and peppery.  I've gotten a referral to a rheumatologist to test for Sjogren's syndrome (as I have several of the symptoms but just chalked them up to old age!).  Just something to be managed not cured--like so many things.  I am taking additional vitamins in part for the tongue, but also because I know I'm not getting enough nutrients in what I'm eating.  So in addition to the standard calcium, B12, and vitamin D, I've added omega 3 (dry eyes), magnesium, iron, and zinc.  I am now one of those old people with the daily pill dispenser! 

I need to stop eating my wonderful popcorn as well due to Sjogrens as the dry mouth creates gum issues and popcorn kernels exacerbate that.  I did get a water pik on the recommendation of the periodontist, and that seems to help.

I’m hoping I will get my taste back soon—and have noticed my sense of smell is diminishing as well—and I’m having friends over for Thanksgiving!  It would be nice to be able to season things appropriately!  At the start of my weight loss journey, I knew I needed to address my psychological as well as physical relationship to food, and I guess this is the most extreme aspect of that.  When all pleasure from food is gone, what is its role?  The communal and relational aspects of food remain, even if I can’t taste anything.  If I’m only cooking for nutritional reasons for myself (well, maybe also texture), what opportunities does that open up?  Will I be able to handle Brussel sprouts? (which I actually can’t stand).Get my green veggies in for a change?  Maybe I can try some protein drinks again—those used to taste awful to me. 

Anyway, the saga continues.