Brenda C.

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I can't remembered the last Spring I enjoyed as much as this one.  Sure, the weather in the Puget Sound is generally crappy, but I am more active this year than I have been in the last seven years.

One of my most enjoyed activities is working in my yard.  Seeing things grow, bringing seeds along into plants, it is an amazing pleasure.  Having lost 124 pounds I am now able to do most of the things I took for granted, until I could no longer do them.  Sadly, pushing a mower over the entire front and back yard, is something that used to make me whimper from pain.  I live on a hill, so my backyard is difficult to mow.  Just a year ago, I was huffing and puffing my way through my work, no more.  Yes, I actually enjoy mowing my lawns.  I take pride in my work, and my neighbors have made comments on how great I look while doing my chores.

Losing weight is making life so much easier, and I don't feel as invisible as I used to - as if anyone of my size could be invisible.  Walking is easier, so I enjoy doing more of it.  I still have pain, but it is much more manageable.    Funny, how much easier it is just to get up from a seated position.  Crossing my legs so I can put lotion on my feet, I can now do it with ease.  The things most take for granted, those of us who have lived fat lives, know that we should be happy for the things we "still" can do -- until we join the group who don't even think about it.  I am finally going in the right direction.

Seeing space between me & the steering wheel of my truck.  Having to go through my closet to find things that still fit - not because they are too small, but because I am getting smaller.  The joy of leftovers, ha ha, I never knew I would be so excited to eat the same thing over and over, having only paid for it once.  Actually being active at a picnic, not just sitting on the bench.  I love to play badminton, volley ball, and just having the options I did not have just one year ago.  I am not "there," yet, but the journey so far, has been pretty nice.

This summer, I have many physical plans ahead of me.  We need to replace two decks, work on the fences on our property, and even some minor renovations, and I will be able bodied for all the work.  After injuring my leg, I struggled to stay active, but the weight just kept creeping up.  Now, I am able to do so many things I used to do, and who knows, another 124 pounds off and I may be "normal".  Facing obesity is never easy.  Sure, we can adapt, work with what we have, but I was slowly losing my battle.  Being active is who I am.  My only regret was accepting defeat and sitting on the sidelines watching "life" happen.  I am done sitting still.

When you think about what you did or didn't do last year, that is what I will be looking forward to next year.  What have I accomplished?  Look how far I have come.  My surgery was just six months ago, but I have been on my journey a little longer than that.  I am looking forward to a journey that will take me places in my life.  Today was a good day, I bet tomorrow will be even better.

Stay positive, and keep working toward your goals!
Brenda : )~

Goal!  I knew I would get to my first post surgery weight goal by this weekend, it took a lot of restraint not to weigh myself last night.  Being a slave to the scale is the worst thing ever!  I try hard to only check every three days or so, unless I am close to a goal.  On Monday, I saw my surgeon and realized I was just a few days away from my first of many goals, so I was excited on Thursday to announce at my Support Group meeting that I was only two pounds away from this weight goal.

For those of you who are starting around 350 pounds, I just got to that weight.  It is hard to fathom I would get so excited over weighing 350 pounds, but considering where I started, it is a great milestone.  This got me thinking this morning, the most weight I have lost in the past was 135 pounds, I am just 11 pounds away from losing 135 pounds, so I am very excited.  When I lost my last highest amount of weight, it was emotionally hard for me.  Prior to that, the most I had ever lost was 90 pounds, so when I was told by my Nurse Practitioner at that time, "Brenda, next week you will be at 100 pounds lost!"  Something broke inside of me.  The very next week I showed up with a gain.  Followed by two more gains, it took a heart to heart to figure out it was an emotional issue for me.

Facing the fact that I have been anywhere from overweight to severely morbidly obese all of my life, I hate to think the weight is somehow a part of my identity.  None of my current, local friends have ever seen me at this weight, which is something I have to get used to.  As an adult, the smallest size I ever wore was a size 14.  Currently I am wearing a 30 on the bottom and a 24 on the top.  When my bottom half gets to a size 24, I know I will be one happy (smaller) fat chick.

Things I really dig about losing weight: Having the seat in my truck sitting straight up - not reclined - and looking down to see INCHES between me & the steering wheel.  When I am sitting on my lawn and pulling weeds, not having to roll over & pull myself to a standing position, that is very cool.  When I am swimming, I have to adjust my swimsuit, because it is loose and I need a smaller size.  Hearing my daughter say, "Mom, you are just a regular fat chick, now!"  As opposed to being super morbidly obese - just being fat sounds a whole lot better!  Going to the movie theater, and being able to pull both arms down & fitting - barely, but I fit!  Such simple things most of us take for granted.  Oh, and a favorite thing I dig about losing weight, getting to mark off another goal completed!

Brenda  : )~

Having returned from a week in California, I am happy to say that I am back in the pool and swimming 4000 meters in two hours.  The downside to that is that I am doubtful I will be able to get 5000 meters in two hours, so I may have to adjust when I swim to try and get the next two plateaus (I only increase in intervals of 500 meters at a time).  Here's to hoping I can get to the goal by Summer!  Although, judging by the weather in the Pacific Northwest, Summer may not get here until August.

My six month "surgiversary" was yesterday, and I saw my surgeon.  Good news, my labs are incredible.  My surgeon is so compassionate, he answered all my questions and emphasized that I am doing just fine -- even if I feel like I am a slow loser.  My favorite nurse put me on the body composition scale to show that the numbers (pounds) aren't the whole story.  I know how exercise works, but we all obsess over the numbers.  Anyhow, I am comparing all my readouts from before and after surgery, to show my worried head that I am building muscle and the numbers are just numbers.

The surgeon was impressed with my "work ethic," and told me he "wish(ed) all of (his) patients took exercising as seriously..."  My loses since surgery is 86 pounds in six months, my total losses are now 122 pounds - with a whole lot more to go!  From my calculations (yes, again with the numbers), I should hit my goal weight (or around it) in 53.5 weeks.  Okay, big number, but the way I look at it, what is one more year, give or take?!  My measurements really are showing more progress than the scale, and I laughed when I showed off my "Guns" to the nurse!  Swimming is ridding me of my side boobs, my side muffins (I didn't have muffin top in front for some reason), and my back is looking sexy, ha ha.  My ankle hurts so much less, which I now know for a fact after missing my daily swim for one week.

My last post was me being frustrated over a gain, well, I lost it plus four pounds, so I am only two pounds away from my first big weight goal after surgery.  For those following my journey, I also added probiotics - I think they are helping.  Ten dollar investment in seeing if it would help in the bathroom (I usually only "go" every three days).  There are so many to choose from, I just started turning bottles, and settled on GNC brand 1.5 BILLION of the little happy bacteria per chewable.  Yogurt never did squat, but I definitely hear & feel the difference from these chewables.

My protein goal is now higher, and on the advice of my surgeon, it may be easier to get the130 grams of protein I am shooting for, as I should be getting more calories considering my heavy exercise routine.  And for those wondering, more protein will help keep your hair on your head, not in the brush!  I have noticed an increase in my daily hairs we all lose, but nothing like so many other patients I have known.  Vitamins, supplements, protein, and iron -- this should be your mantra, too! 

One of my friends just asked me how I deal with cravings.  I try to not be so strict in my diet that I have to deal with binges, I just am careful that I only eat to satiate the craving, and I measure it.  Soy crisps, rice crisps, in different flavors (I love savory flavors - Quaker has a sweet chili that hits all the right targets - crunch, hot, sweet, salty), are a great "treat".  Edamame (soy beans still in the pod) are a great snack - salty & protein, lots to chew (you can find them in the frozen veggie section of most stores, then microwave & add sea salt).  I have found that if I only have a couple teaspoons of my sweeties ice cream, I am happy without the guilt.  After surgery, I really don't need a whole bowl, just a taste will do!  Some may say "No! No! No!" but I chew gum.  Different flavors help with urges.  Fruit flavors take care of the sweet cravings, and chewing seems to take my mind off the "head hunger".  Mint flavors will make ANY food taste icky - so I keep LOTS of mint flavored gum on hand.  Just do not punish yourself, and do not eat in private.

Six months have come and gone, I feel great, look a whole lot better, and am learning to be patient with myself -- that is the hardest part of this journey.  If you want to succeed, you need to be active in the process.  Think exercise, food journals, vitamins and supplements, lots of water, and love yourself - at every weight.  Stay positive, it only gets better!

Brenda : )~

May 6th, my family and I had to make the trip to California for a funeral.  I am not only emotionally exhausted, I can actually tell you the lack of my daily swimming has left me in severe pain. 

For those who have been following my blog, I swim a LOT. Back in 2003, I ruptured my Achilles tendon, four surgeons subsequently found  I not only have plantar fasciitis in both feet, I have really bad arthritis in both feet.  Having been a very active fat girl all of my life, I have struggled in the last decade to get my weight under control - swimming was what I found to keep the juices flowing.  Swimming is actually making my life better, and I will never take it for granted again.

On May 5th I hit another plateau of sorts, I am working toward swimming 5000 meters, on that day I finally hit 4000 meters.  I had already heard the news at 7:30 am that my sweetie's grandfather had passed that night, so this would be my last chance to get a swim in for a few days.  Days turned into over a week, and I am now limping so badly that I am having to use the stupid Handicap Placard in my vehicle (I really hate to use it).

My six month Surgiversary is on Monday, May 16th, and that is also my follow up appointment with my surgeon.  I am bummed.  I have been struggling to get my weight off, really struggling, only to end up with a six pound gain from not swimming in over a week.  Ugh.  I will be back in the pool on Sunday for some light work, but come Monday morning - back to the goal setting journey!  Monday will be a "wait and see" day, so I am not promising a 4000 meter day, but I am sure 2500 - 3000 meters will be easy enough to attain.

This may sound silly, but I really did not realize how my exercise really affected my foot.  Sure, I am in pain 24/7, but not until this last week have I been so hobbled, I actually had to take something for the pain (other than Tylenol).  So, for all you out there with bad feet/legs/back - or whatever, try swimming!  Swimming is actually making my life more mobile.  I had been able to walk so much further (I even do mall walks of two miles every so often) since I was cleared to get back into the pool in March. 

My diet was watched over the whole trip, and I did continue to take all my protein and supplements, but without the exercise, I am now 10 pounds away from a short term goal I was only four pounds away from on the 5th of May.  Set backs happen, so we all need to be patient with ourselves -- even I have moments where I want to just throw in the towel & head off for a food induced coma -- think before you eat. 

I will miss "Pop" Hamblin, and am kind of bummed he will not see me back at my "fighting weight," but I am headed back on my journey.  Stay positive - and don't take exercise for granted!

Brenda : )~

Okay, I am so tired I am not sure I want to even think.  Since I have a class tomorrow that will make me late starting my daily swim, I figured, "Why not really push it, today?!"  Hmmm, I pushed, I am crushed - but in a good way.  The official count is 4000 meters, which in miles is: 2.485 - no wonder I am tired.

Two hours is what it took to do that swim.  How is it that I can walk 2 1/2 miles a lot quicker?!  Oh well, I did it, I am proud, but I do not expect to be hitting that distance again in the very near future.  My usual is 3000 meters, which is enough to make me "feel" it, but not leave me feeling like I need to prop my feet up and vegetate!  Definitely a fine line between exercise and exhaustion.

My weight loss is slow and steady, so I am going to try a little change in my protein.  I have been wondering if my body is being pushed too hard for how many calories I am taking in -- more specifically, the kind of calories.  I do try to get a good balance, with protein and water at the top of my list, but I just cannot shake the feeling I should be losing more weight.  With all the information about protein and Weight Loss Surgery, it really depends on who is saying what.  My Surgeons Nutritionist told me my goal was 60 - 80 grams of protein a day, but from all I am reading, I should be closer to 140 grams.  The formula I am considering is 8 grams of protein for every 20 pounds -- so 350 pounds divided by 20 is 17.5 - 17.5 multiplied by 8 brings me to the goal of 140 grams of protein a day -- ugh!  I started bumping the protein yesterday, I will post if I see in difference in my weight loss.

The goal of swimming 5000 meters is still out there, it just may take me until Summer to finally attain it!  My main swimsuit is so faded and losing its elasticity, I may have to retire it.  On the funnier side, the chlorine is making my hair have some "highlights" that are usually not there until the sun decides to be out, which in Seattle is the three week period in August we call SUMMER!  For all you out there who keep finding reasons not to get out there - just try it once, you may get hooked.  If they make swimsuits in my size, I am sure you can find one, too!  No excuses, now go exercise!

Brenda : )~

Howdy All!  Another month has flown by, and here I am still swimming and still battling the weight loss!  The last month was incredibly cooler than it should have been, so I was glad to see April finish.  I hate being cold, and the monthly average was just 52 degrees, so much for Springs warmer weather.  That is what I get for living in Seattle...

With the occasional sunny day, I have already spent three days doing yard work.  So far I have cleared enough weeds to fill two 90 gallon containers, and a 33 gallon container -- that is a LOT of weeding!  I still find bending over to be difficult because I get woozy.  It isn't because of lack of hydration - I drink over 80 ounces of water daily.  I am waiting for my six month appointment to consider why I may still have positional hypo-tension, maybe the blood work will give us a clue. 

For those of you not already "there," I am comfortable with taking all my supplements, so worry not - if I can do it, you can too!  The three month blood work was excellent, so I am hoping to ace the next test.  Who says you can't study for a blood test?! 

Spring brings such lovely things!  I was just asked today if I would be the Groom's Gal - as one of my lifelong friends is about to "pop the question" to his girlfriend.  I laughs heartily when I agreed to stand next to my friend, and told him to let me know what he would like me to wear -- as I have some fabulous gowns I am able to fit back into... Another good reason for my swimming - so I look great in their wedding photos!

My weight loss is slowly coming along, and I am pretty happy with how well I am taking this.  Yes, I have moments of frustration, but I cannot beat myself up for all the hard work I have put into myself.  If you are having trouble, just remember to keep a few things in our mind -- "I didn't gain all this weight in a (day, week, month, year), so it is going to take at least THAT long to lose it!"  "Good things come to those who wait, but pushing really hard sometimes makes it come faster!"  "What doesn't kill me (exercise), makes me stronger!"  "The best exercise of all, pushing AWAY from the table!"  Oh yes, I have MANY great little ditties to keep me going!  I think the one that works best of all:  Stay Positive!

I am closing in on my next goal weight - I am just six pounds from my next one!  To all of you coming along with me for the journey - THANKS for all the encouragement!  To all out there who need a little extra encouragement, please let me know!!!  It isn't the easiest journey to make on your own, so having some company will get us through!  Stay Positive!

Brenda : )~

Since being released back to full exercise, I have been swimming so hard, I smell like chlorine all the time.  The cruel reality of aging is this - your triceps just don't want to make your journey easy!  Batwings? Batwings! So far, my biceps look amazing.  Breast stroke, freestyle, I spend a minimum of an hour and a half in the pool five days a week.  I am swimming toward a goal of 5000 meters, but cannot seem to beat 3500 meters - yet.

Doctor Oz had a Batwing segment, and I wanted to ask Stepp (the guest) exactly how bad his triceps were -- he states he had batwings, and got rid of them.  Anyhow, I watched, remembered the l exercises I did in High School, and am adding yet MORE to my fitness regime.  Oh well, it only adds a little bit of time, what will it hurt?!  For anyone wanting to see the segment - just do a search for Dr Oz Batwings...

My weight loss isn't speeding up as I had hoped, but it is still going in the right direction.  My six month appointment has been set, and I just had my blood draw today -- May 16 I will be able to share the surgeons impressions of this "Girl on a Mission"!  I did hear one of the funniest things this afternoon, "You are so warm!"  Living in the Seattle Washington Area, I am ALWAYS cold.  I laughed, told the phlebotomist I had just finished swimming for an hour and a half, so I am still "feeling the burn..."  

I will be working on my Batwings -  I plan to be wearing more sleeveless tops this Summer!  Anyone know any good ways, without surgery to tighten my "wings," please share!  I may stand by the off ramp, "Will exercise for tighter arms" and see what people say!!!

Brenda : )~

First, I would like to thank all who sent me comments.  Yes, those comments got me to stop being so near sighted, and frankly pull my head out of that dark place it didn't belong...

If it is a numbers game, then I guess I need to twist it around until it appears a more favorable number!  Okay, did the math, I am one third the way to getting my "excess weight" off.  I hate that term, "excess weight".  Can I also say I hate other terms like "BBW" (Big Beautiful Woman)?  Oh, and my all time hated term - "SSBBW"(Super Sized Big Beautiful Woman) -- what was I, a freaking cruise ship???  Me being me, I tend to come up with Brenda-isms -- "CFC" - Cute Fat Chick.  Many hate the word "fat," and since I owned who I was/am, I try to face things head on.  Here is another one for you, "I have (had) reached Maximum Density."  One way to steer clear of the dreaded question, "How much do you weigh?"  I guess it is all in how you look at things.

This last week was a crummy week emotionally, but I made it through ALIVE!  I kept trying to pull myself up, but for some reason, I just kept spinning my wheels.  The last straw was waking up around 3:30am.  My head was not allowing me to relax, so I kept beating myself up, and did not take my own advice: Why don't you just get out of bed & swim the early morning swim?  No more pity party.  No more sleepless nights.  I am an intelligent human, who has some flawed logic, but usually gets to the right answer - eventually! 

I did something today I try hard not to do, I weighed myself.  I know, I know, I offer my opinion to anyone who will listen, but do I take my own advice?  Well, usually I do, but I didn't today...  It is hard to stay frustrated when you see a loss on the scale.  Small losses add up, so I had to tell myself to get myself ready and head out for my swim.  I am nine pounds away from one of my goals.  I set a lot of little goals, kind of like having a lot of little presents to open -- which makes me smile from the inside out! 

One day is such a small increment of time, but a new day can bring a better attitude.  No more whining, no excuses, just facing the fact:  I got me into this, now I need to get me out of this.  I often relate to the character Thumper from the movie Bambi.  His mother would stop him and make him recite positive messages, I am glad I have an inner voice to remind me what I should be saying!  Hence the term, Brenda-isms!

Stay positive, and face your demons!
Brenda : )~

For folks who did not start out with an extremely high BMI like me, maybe you might not relate to this.  When I got my official weight and BMI prior to working toward surgery, I was shocked at how high it actually was, to the point it made me almost flinch when I had to say it out loud.

Okay, now that I am five months out from surgery, over a year in preparation, I am now feeling uncomfortable telling people exactly how much I have lost, so far.  I have actually stopped giving my total number (before & after surgery), and understate what I have lost in the last five months.  Sure, my friends know I have been hard at work with diet & exercise for close to two years now, but they are only lately making comments about noticing it.  The only place I feel comfortable admitting to how much I have lost is on here, OH.

Before surgery, I did lose more slowly, so maybe that is why people notice it more now -- that, and the fact I am back into clothing I outgrew long ago!  Admitting that I have lost 114 pounds is upsetting to me.  I still have close to 200 to lose, and I know it is going to be a long journey to get there.  The number is just kind of upsetting to me, I guess I am in some sort of reverse denial.  I know I need to make it over the 135 pound hurdle, as it was the most weight I had lost in the past.  Back when I lost the 135 pounds, I got stuck at 100 pounds.  The most I had lost prior to that was 90 pounds.  Days like this, I really wish I had mental health services...

I will look at this in a logical way.  It is just a number.  I am working toward a healthy mind and body.  This is why I blog, to get my feelings out.  Sure, there are people who have it harder than me, so I better not whine!  When I start to get into these moods, I remind myself: instead of saying why me, ask why NOT me... 

Brenda, repeat after me... I am proud of the hard work and all the effort I have been putting in.  I am not in a race to lose weight, I am doing this for me.  If it takes me (X number) of years to get to my goal, it will be that much sooner than if I just keep thinking about losing weight.  Moving forward sometimes makes us take steps back.  Healthy mind and healthy body is the goal, not some number!

Brenda  : )~

Okay, maybe it is just mind of matter (if I don't mind, it doesn't matter), but swimming 50 meters each direction is kicking my butt.  I have been swimming the new lengths for three days now, and finally had a 3000 meter day.  The first two days weren't shabby, 2500 meters, which did not leave me sore like today (ugh).  I don't get it, it adds up to the same distance, but doubling the pool length is actually harder for me.

I know I am not in some race, but there are days I get frustrated.  So, when you get frustrated, know that you are NOT alone!  My weight loss is slow, steady, but slow.  I have days where I get frustrated when I hear/read about how well others are doing.  Then I remind myself, "We are all different..."  and I celebrate others victories. If one more person tells me I am building muscle, which weighs more than fat, I may scream - or at least whimper!  My arms are becoming "guns," which I kind of dig.  My belly jiggles more now than ever, so I am going to have to be more on top of what I wear!  One day at a time, I mutter to myself.

Clothing for me is becoming an annoyance.  I still keep getting the "fat lady catalogs," which I usually just recycle right away, but every so often, peek at the clearance items.  My denim shorts are NOT fitting me, so I have to decide what size to buy, and wonder when it will be warm enough in Seattle to wear them!  Part of my thought process keeps defaulting to skirts, but I am unsure if I want to wear skirts more than shorts.  Decisions, decisions!  I have to go through my clothing, again -- there is NO reason to keep ill fitting clothes.  I may kid myself that I will alter them, but come on, I am not very good with time management!

On a funny note, I have found a way to keep from chewing on my fingers... Chlorine!  I smell like the Aquatic Center, even if I shower twice!  I am no longer wearing my acrylic nails, sigh, they aren't very compatible with daily swimming. 

I was thinking, that's what I do a lot of when I am doing my laps, that I am currently five months out.  It is time to make my six month follow up.  Then my head went right back to my "slow but steady weight loss."  I have only lost in the neighborhood of another 20 pounds since my three month follow up.  I know, it isn't a race, but...  In the real scheme of things, I have lost a total (before surgery & after) of 114 pounds -- a very small human!  It has taken me over a year to do it, but I am doing it.  At this rate, I will be still in the trenches of this battle for a long time to come.  Buzz Lightyear:  Never give up, never surrender!  Maybe I spend too much time in my head?

When they tell you that surgery "isn't going to eliminate the fat," that it is "just a tool," stay the course!  I do not regret my choosing to get surgery, I just wish my stupid body would lose weight faster -- just like every other person trying to lose weight!  Okay, I am satisfied with my weight loss, there is no alternative!  What else do I have to do with my time?  In a year, I will look back and chuckle at my impatient behavior.  Stay Positive!

Brenda : )~