skylark2011

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Man, I have missed this space SO much.  I am so grateful to be able to come back here, look at posts, see how far Ive come, and see where I started.  There has been so much that has happened in my life - in everyones life! - since my last post.  The combination of those events have definitely contributed to my weight gain, and I am here to get my life back on the train track that I have chosen.  

Where to begin?  My last post was in 2018.  January of that year my grandmother passed away.  A real blow to our family, but one we had been preparing for for a few years.  The real kick to the gut happened the following year.  My Mom passed away unexpectedly in January of 2019. That loss sent our whole family into a tailspin, especially following Grandma's passing.  It was a lot to handle, coming on the tail of trying to find my footing and a sense of normalcy and safety for my children and I post-divorce.  I am grateful that our DV counseling helped us navigate some of the turmoil, but it was an extremely exhausting and taxing time.  I was still working out and being mindful of what went in my mouth, but definitely not as diligent about what went in my mouth.  I was made the executor though I was hundreds of miles away, and I had to take extended time off of work to travel back and forth for a year and a half.  It was a lot, but I do not regret doing any it.  Piled on top of all of that, COVID happened, which knocked the entire world off of its rocker.  

Trying to navigate all of these things...to be honest I feel that I am just now waking up.  I feel like I am just now really having time to breathe and actually look around me.  The fog has cleared. There was high stress, depression, all of the stages of grief - for my family, for the world, for my marriage, for my children - almost like a seasonal recurrence - for many years. That level of stress, fear, and all of the grief wreaks havoc on my body.  Sprinkling in symptoms of what I now know to be perimenopause - though I had no idea at the time - it's a wonder, miracle, nod to my surgeon, universe, and a few solidified good habits that I didn't gain all of the weight back. It was the wildest ride I have ever been on, and have no desire to get back on. My saving grace was being able to journal - that and being able to look at my children, see that they were safe, be able to tell everyone in my life that I love them, and being told and shown that the feeling was mutual.  Love really carried us through these past 5+ years.

It is WILD to realize that it has been that long. And here I am - Sunday April 14th, around 8 am, writing a blog post on one of my favorite platforms.  It is a relief to be here and be able to do this. Pure relief & gratitude.  Today I weighed in at 222.4 pounds.  That is around 25 pounds over my 1st goal weight of 198, 40 pounds over my 2nd goal weight of 183, and about 50 pounds over my lowest weight of 175 ( which I did not like because at 5'9" I looked like a bobble-head).  So now what?

I figure that is what I am here to navigate.  I absolutely love what my sleeve and this OH community has done for me. And even with a 50 pound weight gain from my lowest weight, and about 25 pounds up from my visit with  Dr. Sauceda in 2018, I have still maintained a weight loss of about 130 pounds.  That number is still absolutely amazing to me, and inspires me to not give up.  I will keep going as I navigate losing more weight.  Do I consider a VSG revision? I am grateful that that is even an option for me.  But I think for a few months I will take time to really re-solidify my exercise routine and eating regiment and make sure to document. My body has gone through, and is still coming down from going through - a lot.(And peri is NOT over)  Having this space always helps me with my perspective.  OH and the support here is beyond words.

I have become more concerned with my appearance. And I dont like it. And its uncomfortable.  Its like that bible verse about the person that goes away from the mirror and immediately forgets what they look like.  I can see myself, but I think that I am losing healthy perspective.  I am working out regularly, staying mostly to a low carb way of eating, and still grateful and relieved for the increased freedom that my VSG has given me.   I really like the way my clothes fit, I love all of the clothing combinations that I can create, and can purchase now and not break the bank, but lately I have been genuinely surprised that my pants are fitting, or I will literally look in the mirror in wonder at the person staring back at me...its like there is some residual pre-WLS notch in my brain that still hasnt truly accepted where I am. And it seems to be growing.

I am extremely sensitive and aware of exposed parts of my body - my arms especially.  It is way too hot to be outside in long sleeves, so I will wear tanks and short sleeves, but I am extremely uncomfortable with the way that my skin pools to the front of my arms when I bend down to pick up something in a tank top or short sleeves, and I am hyper-aware of the way that peoples eyes gravitate to my arms when they are talking to me, evenwhen I am not bending down. If I drop something I will hold some object in front of me, like a piece of paper or anything, so that the arm that I am not using to pick up the object can't be seen.  I will hold my arms really close to my body when reaching for things so that the skin doesnt swing, which still causes peoples eyes to gravitate to my arms.  If I have to reach for something, I have this super weird and super obvious way of doing it, holding my arms super close to my body as much as possible while reaching for it...it reminds me of a tyrannosaurus.  When I am inside I don a cardigan, long sleeved shirt or wear 3/4 sleeves, no matter what.   Bottom line is that Ive developed weird habits that I feel are better than my batwings swinging freely as I perform some activity.  It all adds to the discomfort.

I can honeslty & freely say that I dont resent it, but it definitely causes some unhappinees.  Granted, this unhappiness is nowhere near what I felt when I was morbidly obese, still, having dealt with 'background' unhappiness before, it can be very unhealthy for me, and compound, and lead to full on depression.  I know that I will have to do something about this, one way or another. Because of WLS and a rotator cuff repair, I know that my body scars easily, and I have accepted that it is simply the way that my body heals and there is nothing that I can do about it.  But I can do something about this.  

I came back from Vegas at 198.  I am one of those people who usually lose weight on vacation.  I love walking and exploring, and am much more physically active throughout the day on vacation. I had a great time hanging out with friends, getting hit on, and exploring the springs and canyons.  I was rarely in the casinos and love watching the water show in front of the Bellagio.  Its a cool town, but also a hungry one - it seems like there is a hustle/hustler around every corner.  That part gets tiresome, and makes it even more rejuvinating and refreshing to get outside of the strip area.

I also got to meet with Dr. Sauceda!  That was another highlight of the vacation.  He was very calm and pleasant, and I could tell he was also very tired.  He recommended tummy tuck, breast augmentation & breast lift, lower body lift, long thigh lift, arm lift, and s-lift (a procedure where they remove the excess skin that pooches out of the bra just south of and orbesides the armpit) for 18Gs, including medical stay, garments, anesthesia, local transportation, etc.  This seems a little higher than other women that I've spoken with who have gone to him, but I will ask him about it when I email him. my goal is to have this happen next summer asap. I am researching other Doctors as well, but Dr Sauceda is definitely in the running.

currently 204.0

When I went out this morning, I was reflecting on how far I've come.  My highest weight around 8 years ago was 354.6...or 356.4.  That is 150 pounds.  That amount still amazes and stuns me.  This journey continues to teach me so much about myself.  I am stronger than I ever recognized.  I perservere. I care about myself. I want to continue to pursue and maintain deeper levels of freedom of mind, body, soul, and spirit. I still have habits that I am continuing to recognize and change. I've been disappointed in myself. I have been pleased with myself. I am growing more comfortable with myself.  I have been judgemental, petty, resentful, and ignorant.  I have been kind, loving, and encouraging.  I have been all over the emotional map, and my NSV goal is to continue to recognize my flaws and do better.  My weight goal is to get back to the 180s and stay there. I am very comfortable at this weight, I look great, and I can fit the pants that I could wear when I was in the 180s - they are tighter, but it still surprised me that I could even get them on.  So, why do I want to be back in the 180s?  Because I do. Because I can. and because I have observed some weird things - I dont gain weight in the same way or in the same areas as before surgery. I have been weight lifting and exercising, but when I gain weight I notice it primarily in my ARMS!!!  This is way weird to me.  It doesnt affect what I am able to wear, but its a body weirdness that definitely makes me more self conscious. 

It has been over 7 years since my VSG!! SEVEN.  My God that is a long time.  I havent blogged since I started home shopping about a year ago.  There is no denying that it has been a terribly stressful year.  Terribly stressful.  With the after discovered defects in the home, mom life, returning to school, the stresses of dealing with my ex husband, work related stress, and my normal seasonal disorder - I am amazed I have made it through at all.  I am not saying that I would have taken my life or anything of the sort, but I truly dont know how I continued to put one foot in front of the other considering all of the stressors, and the density of the fog.  It has been a year of struggle and depression.  My body image has been poor, I have been beaten down in my mind, and felt it in my spirit.  Today is literally the FIRST day I have felt like my normal optimistic self. Sure, I have walked the walk and talked the talk, and there have been moments where the fog lifted, but they have all been very short lived this past year. And I could not put my finger on it, though I kept trying to put a finger on it - what is the matter?  I kept ticking off everything that I'd accomplished, and how well life was going for me and my children, and still, there was no answer, no change. Praying didnt help, excercise helped but only temporarily, church and support groups also gave a short-lived boost.  The last time that I felt this heavy of a fog was during the last half of my marriage.  I could cry tears of joy.

I hugged myself this morning, and stood naked in front of the mirror, saggy skin and all, marvelling at how far I've come, and feeling more awake than I have in a very long time.

Today I weigh 206.0.  My highest weight this year was 208.0. My boobs are tender right now, which usually means Aunt Flo is coming in for a landing.  And it's all good.  I will take it. I have kept up with excercising at least 3 days a week, adding more weights to my routine, and done other social and positive things - dating, support groups, supporting my kids in sports, going to concerts with friends.  But this deep breathing as I am typing - this Relief and Gratitude I feel - this is new this year. and wonderful.  Why today?  What has changed? I have no clue right now. but I'm grateful and relieved.

Whew!!  I have been trying to figure out - on my own - how to add a friggin blog lol!!!  I finally found the button - NSV for me !

I am at 200.2 today, and will be 41 this year!  I am eating low carb mostly - introducing some different low carb items - like the low carb bread (on occassion) that Natures Own makes.  I can find it at a Dollar Tree here - I love it especially when I have a hankering for a grilled cheese sandwich.  My goal is to get back into the 180s, and I am enjoying this slow descent. I love the freedom and relief of not feeling panicked about weight fluctuations.  Seeing a drop or rise can be cause for concern, but is not a cause for alarm.  I can trace it back to menstrual cylce, eating, or another identifiable factor.  No bewilderment, which is another bonus. My sleeve has not failed me and we are working together - even after six years.  Surgiversary was April 11th! I still marvel at not being plagued by guilt and that incessant voice saying what I can or cant do for the sake of appearance or what I am afraid that other people may think will think are thinking.  I am grateful and still in awe of the movement of my body now, the endurance and energy that I have.  I still value and seek out the quiet in my head and heart. 

My workout regiment has stayed the same - lifting weights and on the elliptical 3X a week, wogging (walking/jogging) at least 3X a week - there is just something about excercising outside that feels clean and refreshing.  I am open to dating, but not pursuing/being pursued by anyone - my divorce has been final for a little over a year.  It just feels so...decadent...to be alone and spending time how I choose to, outside of taking care of my children and being present for their activities.  I still recall how checked out I could be at times when I was overweight - worried about the snickers and side conversations at my children's events - high anxiety to the point where I would opt out of attending because I felt like people were staring at or pointedly ignoring me.  It feels sooooo good to not be imprisoned in that space, and I am sure that some of the energy I have comes from not having that dedicated exhausting space in my head any more.

I went kite flying with my nature group this past weekend, and absolutely loved it.  I had a two-string trick kite, so I had to play with the wind and spread my arms wide to maintain the balance and height.  I enjoyed it thoroughly, so much so, and so enthralled that I forgot about my considerable batwings.  My shoes were off in the lush grass, the sun was shining on my body and arms, the breeze was blowing, and my kite was flying high.  It was a slice of heaven. I flew my kite for over 2 hours.  There is so much arm work involved!  But my arms did not get tired.  They were spread wide in celebration and deep joy!  I love it love it love it.  It also taught me that if I am doing something that I love and can get lost in, batwings dont matter.  I still plan to have plastic surgery when my money gets right, and I am really close!  But I will forever treasure those free moments. They fill me up.

I am at 204.0 today.  I have increased weights over the past few months, and I know that weight gain is due to that in part, but again, I have been more relaxed in my eating this summer.  I also discover and create new low carb desserts and meals, and they are delicious! So I have had some peace in the low 200s, still, a deeper part of me is not comfortable here.

It is  fascinating how time seems to speed up and slow down at different times in our lives.  I remember thinking on how much time had passed before surgery, so many years, and how time seemed to slow down as I chose my surgeon and procedure and went through the steps that would be required before I could go under the knife.  Even that first year after surgery seemed relatively slow. Looking forward to so many milestones and goals and they could not arrive fast enough, even though I was taking it one day at a time, and trying to feel my way through with what I'd learned.  Still, looking back from that point, time seems to have flown by!  There is a direct relation between my comfort level, understanding, and the amount of time that seems to go by. When I feel lost, anxious, or confused, I know (now) that that is the time that i am supposed to take stock of what is going on around me, what I am feeling and why, and pay attention to my surroundings.  Getting to the point where I realize that  also takes time.   These lessons are never done.  Its amazing.  It also usually means that I need to take time, but at the time that it is happening, I just want it to be through it - I want to be on the other side.  I am usually painfully uncomfortable for a good while, but once I get to the point where I am not fighting where I am - not saying that I accept where I am, but I am not trying to physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally resist things - when I accept that whatever it is IS, and has come to pass, not come to stay - the relief and the peace finally come.  Then I wonder why it was so hard to accept the moment...and I still dont have the answers for that.  Why do I fight, resist, 'succumb', then have those aha moments - after Ive given up, after Ive stopped fighting?  And repeatedly!!!  I should recognize the signs by now, but I dont.  I may recognize it after a time, and I hope that the recogniztion time is shorter, but still, I feel that i should know better, do better, be better - sooner than I am.

I wish I were at a point where I could see all of the lessons and the timeline could be a smooth gradual increase into...well...beyond.  But my life mimics my weight loss tracker - erratic inclines and declines.

Surgiversary was April 9th - it came and went!  I didnt really think about it until today.  It also would have been my wedding anniversary.  Didn't think about that until today too. I am proud of both frankly, though I am no longer married - marriage was never the issue.  I loved being married, and am pretty proud of my track record.

I was 198.4 on my surgiversary.  Wearing shirts ranging from small to large, pants are firmly 12Longs, but depending on the manufacturer it could be anywhere from 10 - 14.  I was hoping for 195, but must factor in that it was the beginning of my cycle, I was on vacation - and though I exercised, kept up with my vitamins,  drank plenty of fluids and did well with my eating, I also slept a whoooole lot less than usual, and had more alcohol than normal.  So I am watching how things pan out this week as I am coming off of my cycle and getting back into my routine. 

Vacation was...perfect.  Beautiful weather, lots of laughter and sun and nature - I  rode rides with my children, had time to myself, just the perfect balance of everything.  Bathing suits.....er mah gerd.  I am still feeling awkward with attention, I just ignore it usually, a lot of the gawkers were with significant others, and my swimsuit is modest, seriously, I have too much going on to try to show too much. I just...I cant get used to it, and sometimes dont feel like I can breathe deeply until Im covered.  Sigh. But I still made a vow to wear tank tops, regardless of if i have the skin removed this summer, and I did just that on our vacation.

I am having conversations with myself about this round of losing weight too.  What if I only lost 1 pound a week?  Would that be good?  If I lost 1 pound a week, that means that I will be in my goal range by my surgiversary. I am grateful and relieved about that, and I have a peace about it, and that feels...free. There is no rush...I am tweaking things so that I can continue to do this for the rest of my life.  and it feels so good. luxurious at times.

All in all I cant complain. Things have been really working out for the good. My goals are to get to and stay in the 180s until I have my skin removed. 

199.4 This morning!  I did a little jig in front of the scale.  Doesnt feel the same as the first time, but then again, I didnt believe that getting below 200 pounds was even a remote possiblity for me the first time around.  I know some things now that I wasnt sure of then - that my sleeve works, my sleeve has not failed me, and all things being equal, my sleeve will continue to be there for me.  [wrote some other stuff, but I cant remember what it was since I deleted it by mistake :-(]

I love waking up to the sweet sounds and smells of spring.  I get up pretty early in the morning, I am a morning person.  Its so quiet and peaceful - nothing stirring, just listening to the gentle breeze and the birds beginning their calls.  I am looking forward to summer too - I love everything about it. Looking forward to it too....except for......

My body issues!  Say what??!?!  I know right - but with every passing summer, I grow more uncomfortable with... my batwings.  The smaller that I got, the more prominent they became.  I made a vow that I would wear tank tops because it gets so hot here, and because I value the hard work that I have done to get to this point.  And I did for a time, but now I have insecurities creeping up again.  They remind me of the insecurities that I had when I was obese, and it isdisturbingly familiar.  It doesnt add up either - home life, work life, etc, has gotten more stable, and God has provided opportunities for me to make some moves that have further increased my well being.  So...now that my crisese(?) are minimal, I have time to look at some things that I want to do for me, and I appreciate that, but I also wonder if the discomfort is in part because I am just so used to having some issues with my body.  Can't I be happy with what I have done?  I see that I am relieved and grateful, but am not satisfied with where I am.

I started lifting weights doing some serious lower body strength training, and my butt looks amazing!! I was sad that it deflated like an old balloon, and now I really like looking at it in the mirror.  You know how some guys stand in front of the mirror and flex - well I butt flex.  My kids think I am goofy, and they are right, I am, but then they will say, butt flex mom, butt flex!! I have music in my head, its hilarious.  I am pretty sure of what I want done and know where I would go, in the meantime there are a few things that i need to focus on and be real about. 

I am at 201, and that is 17 pounds up from my comfort zone of 176-183.  I really prefer the 180s, and though I know that some of the gain is muscle, I know not all of it is.  So...I want to set realistic goals with my muscle gain - I think 185 is reachable.  I know how and why I have gained, and with the things that I have been through in the past few years, I am grateful that it isnt more. I love my sleeve and love my healthier relationship with myself. I forgive myself and understand, and now 185 is my new goal.  I'd like to reach this by my 5 year(!) surgiversary of June 9. 

So, back to the lab! with gratitude - that I dont have to start from ground zero a 354 pounds.