time

Aug 19, 2016

I am at 204.0 today.  I have increased weights over the past few months, and I know that weight gain is due to that in part, but again, I have been more relaxed in my eating this summer.  I also discover and create new low carb desserts and meals, and they are delicious! So I have had some peace in the low 200s, still, a deeper part of me is not comfortable here.

It is  fascinating how time seems to speed up and slow down at different times in our lives.  I remember thinking on how much time had passed before surgery, so many years, and how time seemed to slow down as I chose my surgeon and procedure and went through the steps that would be required before I could go under the knife.  Even that first year after surgery seemed relatively slow. Looking forward to so many milestones and goals and they could not arrive fast enough, even though I was taking it one day at a time, and trying to feel my way through with what I'd learned.  Still, looking back from that point, time seems to have flown by!  There is a direct relation between my comfort level, understanding, and the amount of time that seems to go by. When I feel lost, anxious, or confused, I know (now) that that is the time that i am supposed to take stock of what is going on around me, what I am feeling and why, and pay attention to my surroundings.  Getting to the point where I realize that  also takes time.   These lessons are never done.  Its amazing.  It also usually means that I need to take time, but at the time that it is happening, I just want it to be through it - I want to be on the other side.  I am usually painfully uncomfortable for a good while, but once I get to the point where I am not fighting where I am - not saying that I accept where I am, but I am not trying to physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally resist things - when I accept that whatever it is IS, and has come to pass, not come to stay - the relief and the peace finally come.  Then I wonder why it was so hard to accept the moment...and I still dont have the answers for that.  Why do I fight, resist, 'succumb', then have those aha moments - after Ive given up, after Ive stopped fighting?  And repeatedly!!!  I should recognize the signs by now, but I dont.  I may recognize it after a time, and I hope that the recogniztion time is shorter, but still, I feel that i should know better, do better, be better - sooner than I am.

I wish I were at a point where I could see all of the lessons and the timeline could be a smooth gradual increase into...well...beyond.  But my life mimics my weight loss tracker - erratic inclines and declines.

2 Comments