Under 220.

Jan 24, 2011

It's been at least 15 months or so since I've seen a number on the scale lower than 220.  Heck - it'd been a long time since I'd seen a number under 230, if I'm honest about it.

But this morning, when I got on the scale, I saw 219.0.   

It's strange, though, I don't feel a sense of elation like I thought I would.  It's more that I feel stunned and shocked that I ever let myself get to a point where I would be celebrating being 219.0 pounds.  I mean, my BMI is still 36.4.  Granted, that's down from almost 40, but still, I am just amazed by what I did to myself over the last few years and how bad things had to get before I realized that I couldn't live that way anymore.

I know this is a very somber-toned message, and I don't mean to be a party pooper, but I am *so* grateful that things are headed in the right direction, and will trust the process to know when I feel most comfortable to start celebrating these milestone numbres a little more.  Maybe it hasn't fully sunk in to that "afraid fat girl" part of my brain that this weight loss isn't temporary.  Even though I am meticulous about my liquids, protein, vitamins, etc., and have developed some really good new habits already, maybe she is still in there, afraid it's all a joke and cynical that I'll be able to stay below 220.

Who knows.  But for today, I am grateful for the decision I made to move forward in this very positive way toward health and wellness, even if I'm not ecstatic over a number on the scale.

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