My Lifesaver - My "Suck It In Slip"

Oct 29, 2012

:) Yep.  I am talking about my awesome, wear your own bra shaper that I wear every day.  Let me tell you people.  You're going to have excess skin, no matter how hard you work out.  I just hangs there, jiggles, wiggles around.  I wear a shaper whenever I am leaving the house (ok, well not on the weekends when I am in a t-shirt and jeans, but anytime I leave for work, or a social function I have one on).  It ups my confidence, and helps my real curves come out of hiding.  

I don't buy the most expensive ones, I get mine from Walmart, and they run $30 each.  I have a black and a nude one.  They're perfect.  I tried the tank tops, and the high waisted panties, but found the wear your own bras body suits work the best for me.  Ladies, don't knock it until you try it!  It takes inches off and pushes up your "ahem" ladies!  

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Ugly babies, compliments & miss opportunities

Oct 26, 2012

When I was pregnant with my first son I begged my best friend to tell me if my baby was ugly.  Luckily he turned out pretty cute. (I was going to put in a picture here, but apparently they changed the blog form and don't offer you a way to add a pic in, BOO!)  Anyway, back to my point, yes, there is one.  You go through a honeymoon phase where EVERYONE who knows you is telling you how gorgeous you are, how pretty you look, etc.  That dies off as everyone gets used to the new you.  It sucks people.  I know I am not an ugly baby, but I miss having people tell me how pretty I am.  At the time I was always embarrassed when people would comment on how I looked, but now I would kill to have someone tell me how great I look.

A compliment from someone in my life would be so amazing right now.  At the point where I feel my lowest because of the weight gain, I am most in need of a compliment.  Something from one of my parents, or my husband even.  I needed a compliment so badly last night that I emailed my best friend from high school asking if he thought I was pretty.  LAME!  :)  Of course he is going to tell me I am pretty.  So I did the same thing to my husband this morning, and he said yes, of course!  Why don't I see it?  And why am I so desperate for a compliment that I have to go seeking one out?  

Have you ever walked by someone and wished you had smiled?  Ever lost someone and wished you had told them how you truly felt?  I am challenging myself today to have no regrets.  I honestly be engaged with those around me.  To be present.  It started with walking into the copy room only to find a coworker I have a strained personal and work relationship with, before today I would have walked in, not acknowleged her and got what I needed and left.  Today I chose to smile and ask her how she was.  It was an awesome start to my day.  Things can only get better from here.  So I challenge you today, say hi to someone you pass in the street, smile at someone, make eye contact.  See what happens.

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Accomplishment

Oct 25, 2012

Sometimes I forget to focus on how far I've come.  I forget that I weighed 365 pounds, and wore a tight size 32.  I now weigh 236 and wear a 16.  THAT IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!  So today I am going to own my accomplishment and be thankful for how far I've come. 

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Struggles

Oct 24, 2012

Someone wrote me a private message asking about my struggles post surgery.

Oh where to begin.  I guess I will begin by saying, I would have the surgery over again, despite all the pitfalls, all the struggles, all the throwing up, and all the regain.  There is no doubt in my mind.  Yes, I have gained some weight back, but I am no where near where I was 2.5 years ago.  That is amazing to me.  I am more active then I was, and I intend to stay that way.  I love feeling like I can walk with my sons to the park at the drop of a hat.  I like being able to take my boys to an amusement park and be able to get on the rides with them, or bounce in a bounce house.  Those are all things I missed out on because of my weight, it held me back from living life.

Back to struggles.  Right now I am struggling with the weight gain.  I am not shy about admitting I suffer from severe depression, and am possibly even Bipolar II.  I take medications daily to help, but they aren't enough and I supplement with food.  I am working on finding better food choices, and upping my fluid intake.  We shall see what happens.

I remember when I first had the surgery I struggled a lot with the idea that I wouldn't be able to eat whatever I wanted anymore.  I was afraid of dumping.  But I broke the rules, and allowed myself to eat a small amount of anything I wanted.  I found I didn't dump.  And actually wished I did dump because it might have been a deterrent.  While I don't have dumping I do have an adverse reaction to a combination of sugar and white carbs (i know sugar is a white carb, but I mean bread, etc).  I start to sweat profusely, feel sick to my stomach and nearly pass out.  It last anywhere from 5 - 15 minutes.  Weird, but not uncommon.

I have also struggled with realizing I can't eat as much as my brain wants to eat.  You know the saying, my eyes are bigger than my stomach, well, get used to that one.  I always want more than I am able to get in.  That is another things to be mindful of, how full you are.  I was told to eat until you're comfortable.  Not full.  I have more than once, more than a dozen times made myself sick because I ate too much.  It is easy to do, and not much fun.  You get real familiar with the porcelain throne if you're not careful.  I went through a few months where I was throwing up every day.  I would stuff myself and my stomach would send it all back out.  Not fun.

Another thing I've struggled with has been the scale.  According to my doctor I should weight 135 pounds.  I never got even close to that.  Lowest I ever was was 181.  And that was only for 1 day!  I was happy there.  I was too thin for everyone around me.  The scale is just a number people.  The things you need to take into account are: How do I feel?  Am I comfortable at this weight?  Am I healthy?  If your answers are yes, then in my opinion, rock that weight.  

I once asked a coworker if she looked the same in her home mirror as she looked in the bathroom mirror at work.  Because I swore the mirror at work was lying to me.  I saw this thin woman, but didn't recognize her.  I couldn't believe I was the person in the mirror.  I would walk past windows and do a double take.  Insanity.  Was that really me?  Or looking back at pictures of me after my second son was born I am amazed at that person.  I will never be that big again.  I refuse.  I couldn't even walk up one flight of stairs in my parking garage without being out of breath, and wheezing.  I never wanted to go anywhere, I was ashamed.  I lived in a hole.

I want to say things get easier, but there is a total honeymoon phase  when you lose without even trying.  You just lose, and lose, and lose.  Yes, there are plateaus, but they're short lived.  Then you hit a stall.  And I don't mean a week stall, I mean two, three, four weeks.  You think you're done losing, and bam, you lose again.  It goes like this for a while.  Then there is maintenance.  I maintained roughly 195 for a year.  I was comfortable, and happy.  I felt fantastic, and my husband was super happy with me at that weight.  Then earlier this year my depression kicked in and bam, I went back to old habits and started gaining.  I have stopped gaining, but am not losing.  I am continuing to make bad choices.  Mindless eating.  Constant eating.  Struggling.  I'll tell you, I thought I was struggling before, but I would take the daily vomiting over where I am today.  

There is no easy way through this journey.  There is no "end".  You will struggle, you will fall, you will succeed.  It isn't easy.  I haven't found it easy to accept my new body, and believe me, the changes happen so fast you hardly have time to embrace going down a size before you're down another size.  It is insane.  BUT FUN.  WORTHWHILE.  EXCITING.  

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Me Today

Oct 23, 2012

I thought I would post pictures of myself today.  The weight I currently am.
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Lovers & Haters

Oct 22, 2012

Thank you to everyone who has given their support, and thank you to everyone who has been not as nice or forgiving.

You have both been extremely instrumental in my sharing here on OH.  This is my safe haven.  I have people that don't judge because they are thinking the same things I am saying.  I have people who judge because they have been where I am and have overcome it, and moved on.  Both sides of the coin have powerful heartwarming messages.  Yes, sometimes the haters cause me to step back and want to throw a rock at my monitor, but once I stop being blind and selfish I usually agree with their comments.

Today is a new day.  My goal is to focus on my fluid intake.  Baby steps people. 

P.S.  I participated for the third year in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides event here in Sacramento.  A 5k event I never signed up for before surgery, one I wouldn't have been able to complete pre-surgery.  I may not weigh 180 pounds anymore, but I am healthier than I have been in years, and that has to count for something.
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Honesty

Oct 21, 2012

Being honest on here is amazingly easy.  In fact, I remind myself of that song by Brad Paisley singing about being 6'5" and how he looks damn good all because he's behind a computer chatting.  

I could sit here and say I am eating three meals a day with two snacks and not eating after 7pm.  But I eat multiple times a day, plus three meals, and I always have something after 7pm.  I am grazing.  Constantly.  I traded eating HUGE, non-stop meals for eating tiny continuous meals all day long.  

I am unhappy.  Yes, I am complaining, which is a waste of time.  But at the moment, I am not willing to do anything about it.  So why am I posting this?  Because I know I am not alone.  I know there are other women out there struggling who need to know they're not alone.  This journey.  This life long struggle we're all working, it isn't easy.  If it was easy we wouldn't need help losing weight.  We wouldn't need help keeping it off.  

But all that being said, who decided we weren't OK as we were?  Who decided we weren't OK as we are?  I recently had a counselor say I am the one who gets to decide what is right for me.  Yes, I am may not be the size and weight my doctor wants me to be, but I can be OK with myself at whatever size I decide.  So if I decide I am OK with being 239 pounds, then that is OK.  I have never been told it is OK to be who I am, and who I want to be.  I know that sounds odd.  And I know that sounds naive and silly, but MAN, being given permission to be me is such a freeing idea.

All that being said.  I am not comfortable.  I was comfortable 35 pounds ago.  Now I feel overweight.  Now I feel like I weigh 365 pounds.  Weird.  I was less self conscious as a 365 pound woman than I am as a 239 one.  I am not sure what the reason for this post is, I guess I just felt like talking tonight.
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Overweight & Feeling Sorry for Myself

Oct 19, 2012

I have been a long time gone from OH.  I have been a long time gone from losing weight.  I have been a long time done from onederland. 

I have been living in Sorry for Myselfville.  I am overweight, over stressed, and depressed.  Seriously.  Depression has been kicking my butt and taking names.  I am a sad, fat sack of you know what.

239.1 as of this morning.  MAN!  Admitting that is hard.  Nearly 40 pounds over where I felt most comfortable.  It is so much easier to eat whatever I want, whenever I want to eat it.  It is super hard to get my butt into healthy eating gear and stay there.  I have stretched my pouch.  I would benefit from the 5 day pouch test, but that takes commitment and dedication, neither of which am I capable of right now.

My depression is dehabilitating.  I have been off of work for nearly two months, I just started back this week and I feel like I need to be off again.  But I can't do that to my family.  We literally can't afford for me to be off of work. Not to mention the burden my absense creates at the office.  I have to be here, I just can't mentally do this and my home life.  I have to find a balance.  My balance was being off, and not here, but that isn't an option.

That is what is happening in my world.  Self pity.  Self doubt.  Welcome to it.
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Goals

Aug 03, 2012

According to my doctor's fancy little chart based on my height I should weight 145 pounds.  I have never weighed 145 pounds, ok, well, at some point in my life I weighed 145 pounds, but it was so long ago in my childhood that I have no memory of that number.  After bypass surgery the lowest I got was 181.  That was my thinnest, and I can honestly tell you, EVERYONE said I was too thin.  I didn't see it, but looking back I can see how people would think that.  I was thin for me.  Now I am too high, back into the 200's and not happy.  I wasn't especially happy at 181 either, but at least I was out of the 200's.  So that is my current goal, to get back out of the 200's, and stay there.

So this brings me around to my point.  Don't stress on the numbers people.  You need to reach a comfortable weight and maintain it.  Forget what your doctor tells you, forget what your friends tell you, just reach a weight you're happy with and do it.  Easier said than done, I know.  But stop focusing on reaching a low, doctor lead goal.  I will never weigh 145 pounds, it just isn't me.  I would be happy with being 185 for the rest of my life.  That is my new goal.  Not even the 175 I once set, 185 is where my 5'7" frame is headed again.  This is realistic and obtainable.  Don't set yourself up for failure, or forget to look back at how far you've come.  You can do this, just be honest, heartfelt, and realistic with your goals.

TGIF.
22 comments

Obsession

Aug 02, 2012

My obsessions lead to compulsive behavior.  As well as planned out naughty behavior.  Like today, we had a baby shower at the office.  I did well with the pot luck, avoided the rolls, had the salad I brought with turkey and cheese slices, some three bean salad, pasta salad and 1/2 a deviled egg.  It was delicious.  I was happy to not go over board.  I also avoided the cake.  I said no thank you very politely.  But soon found myself thinking about the cake non-stop.  I had a bite as I was putting it in the break room.  I came back later to find one piece already sliced, ate part of it.  THEN planned out how to have a slice of the other flavor, and DID.  Now I am sorry to have had so much cake, and yet I am still thinking about having more.  So here I am, writing about the cake I know I shouldn't have, but want.  Good times.  I guess it is better than eating the cake.  :)

Hang in there and I'll do the same.  TTYL.
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About Me
Sacramento, CA
Location
44.0
BMI
RNY
Surgery
01/11/2010
Surgery Date
Dec 22, 2009
Member Since

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